Tag: memory

Behind The Scenes – 2nd November 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

When a lie is all you have
You might as well believe it
The past has been corrupted
So you no longer conceive it

When reality is so messy
It’s wasted time to keep in line
The truth is no longer in view
But a vision of a new design

First two lines lifted, and the rest inspired by this post at Spinning Visions (and also connected to yesterday’s poem about photographs)

Today I’m feeling:

Positive and happy though I slumped a little in the afternoon after getting home. My Thursdays now are my easy day with just two hours of teaching in the morning.

Today I’m grateful for:

Bruno lending me his high-pressure hose to clean the mould off the paths around our house. It worked for a while but I think maybe some ants were in our hose and maybe have blocked up the nozzle somehow. I hope I didn’t break it!

The best thing about today was:

Listening to the David Kleiler interview where he gushes in the same way I do about Mission of Burma and Volcano Suns. I think he’s right when says Peter Prescott is a true artist and the show hosts also put Roger Miller in that category.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

At 7.30 pm I was trying to watch a video but Amy kept making calls so I paused so she could listen easily and because I have trouble hearing when there is other noise too. After she finished I started watching again but then she started asking me questions about things. I didn’t get frustrated but turned the TV off as it just wasn’t the right time to watch. I started to feel very tired then and got into bed shortly thereafter. The first work week and return to exercising is wearing me down so I’m looking forward to the weekend.

What am I looking forward to this month?

I look forward to what every day brings me. I don’t have any specific idea of what I might look forward to. 

The weather is nice so a bike ride might happen this month, but if it doesn’t, that’s ok too. 

I look forward to continuing with things I enjoy such as reading and playing guitar, teaching and having fun with my students.

Art took this picture because he said I looked good sat here. After seeing the picture I commented that I look tired. And old. 

Vicarious – 20th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I’m a mafia, a ninja
A beauty pageant queen
A killer, a lover
Not what I seem
I’m a prisoner, running
The drama in a dream
A thriller, a horror
Lived out on a screen
I’m a wolf, a soldier
All I want I’ve been
A housewife, a salesman
A life lived so clean
I’m a target, a comedian
Laugh until you scream
Anything I ever wanted
Is what I’ve always been

13th Apr 2024 – Submitted to FOWC with Fandango

Today I’m feeling:

Coffee is the fuel this morning as I struggle to get going after feeling some pain in my left hip throughout the night.

But ‘get going’ is relative as today I plan to do little beyond watching the football.

And that was one intense game of football which has weirdly seen us through to the finals as opposed to Geelong, last year’s winners unable to make it. It’s been a great turnaround but I don’t see us being able to make the grand final this year.

Today I’m grateful for:

The shirt that I ordered for Hayden arrived here safe and sound. I’ll try it on for size and then order a couple for myself some time too.

It was weird that some of the shirts are in stock in Australia but the shipping to Thailand was cheaper than shipping within Australia!

The best thing about today was:

Catching up with some reading, books and comics. Choosing to read instead of watching TV. It’s not easy because there are lots of things I like to watch but I’m finding that I’m neglecting reading because of it. I usually get my ideas from things I read rather than things I watch.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Yesterday I hung out the washing even though dark clouds were brewing. I mistakenly trusted the weather forecast of no rain. An hour later a huge storm hit drenching everything. Oh well, they’ll dry today I thought, but today the sun barely broke through and whilst some of the lighter things managed to dry everything else was still wet or damp and will need to be washed again. There’s another ten days of rain due so I may actually have to go the laundry to use a dryer.

Something I learned today?

Things I haven’t thought about for a while are a little bit of a struggle to recall these days. I struggled to recall some manga artists’ names this evening, artists of which I paid lots of dollars for the work at one time in my life, so they had a deep enough meaning for me for a while. I did eventually figure out the names through a series of online searches but still, I worry about nonsense going into my head pushing out all the good stuff.

If I had to describe myself using only five words, what would they be?

Sometimes I think I’m ok.
Sometimes I make mistakes too.
Friends can be far away.
I do what I do.
No excuses for doing wrong.
My life means nothing anyway.
Always trying to understand myself.
There’s often little to say.

I took this picture because although Tigger can fit into the shelf under the table, for some reason he felt more comfortable with his butt sticking out like this.

Misery Comedy – 18th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Not like Beckett, not absurd
It’s just as English as the word
The saddest laugh I ever heard

Rolling laughs don’t come from rolling hills
No pearly whites penetrate the mills
More bitter than the bitterest pills

And only laughing when it hurts
The summer wine no longer works
Born amongst the miserable jerks

There was a time when some British comedy TV became too dour even for me. Last of the Summer Wine and Only When I Laugh are referenced and remain memorable for their misery! I was self-aware enough to realise that watching these shows made me unhappy. I just wanted to laugh at something funny, not at something sideways.

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and useless. The grey of the sky is getting me down. It’s not like the grey of a cloudy sky. That sky moves and promises. This sky is dead. I woke up tired and have napped twice since. Everything feels pointless. No inspiration. No movement.

Today I’m grateful for:

My memories of Murray and myself philosophizing with our teenage imaginations at the bottom of the school field. We looked up at the sky and stars and had no idea how inconsequential we are.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing reading Death’s End. What an awesome book with big crazy ideas. Onto some lighter reading next with Michael Parkinson’s biography.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My positivity has fallen down today mainly due to tiredness I believe. My PMT or low point of my circadian rhythm.  Perhaps I napped my way out of it.

Something I learned today?

I read today that China has offered to mediate between Palestine and Israel in a search for peace in the Middle East. It’s difficult to imagine that it might work but if both sides can see the benefits of increased prosperity perhaps there’s a chance?

What place holds special meaning to me?

There are too many to mention. Today I feel like I am not living my life. My memory feels like a story I watched on TV rather than events that actually happened to me. The places in my memory are still there yet the actual places are not. They exist but are not the same. Sometimes it’s better for a memory to be repaved over with concrete.


I took this picture because as I was riding home from Utopia the mountains were more visible than in recent days and it can be seen how dry the jungle has become out there. The cows and bulls offered a perfect foreground.

Yesterday – 13th July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s a vague memory
Not sure what I can say
I just don’t recall
Much about yesterday

I know I enjoyed it
It went very well
What were the details
I can no longer tell

I’m sure there was coffee
And stroking the cats
Did the dog come to visit?
I don’t know – perhaps?

Online classes of kids
I think they enjoyed their study
I think it was fun
Though my memory is muddy

What about this morning?
What the hell did I do?
The onset of senility?
What if I write this poem again tomorrow……
Too?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my iPad that I could use last night to watch Sydney beat the top team in the AFL. Then to read comics and books. I don’t use it for much else but it’s fantastic for what I want.

The Week That Was – 14th October 1979

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Record of the week: Fleetwood Mac – Sara and Tusk
Highest entry: Chic – Forbidden Lover

3rd Aug 2022 – Is Sara and Tusk one song or two? I know the song Tusk and still love that. I think it was Camper Van Beethoven that released a complete cover of the album Tusk but as much as I’m sure I enjoyed it, it wasn’t enough to tip me over the edge with Fleetwood Mac.

14th October 1979
Nothing exciting, at least I don’t think so
2p

15th October 1979
(tick)
Nowt
2p

16th October 1979
That’s today
What’s homework
2p 200p*

3rd Aug 2022 – I would like to go back in time and kick myself to add more detail to my writing. There’s nothing here to grab on to. My current diary writing is quite mundane in content but there’s enough detail to trigger returning memories in the future. Something that these entries are entirely lacking.

17th October 1979
(tick)
European Championship
N. Ireland 1-5 England
2p

18th October 1979
1. Buggles
2. Police
3. Michael Jackson
4. Blondie
5. Lena Martell
6. Sad Cafe
7. Rainbow
8. Status Quo
9. Dr Hook
10. Chosen Few
2p

19th October 1979
Awful fucking day
7 things went wrong
2p 1p

3rd Aug 2022 – Well, this one is more like it though still with nothing to excavate anything from the depths of my old noggin. Seven things though. Funny that I counted them. In the future, I would just accumulate everything on top of the other. Plenty more awful days to come.

20th October 1979
Man Utd 1-0 Ipswich
Ipswich still bo’m
2p 191p*

The Week That Was – 31st December 1978

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 3 Comments

31st December 1978
Snow started falling yesterday
HEYY!

2nd Aug 2021 – My first memory of snow, though it is likely I experienced it previously when I lived in Cumbria. About 4 or 5 feet of snow fell over a few days and hung around for ages as the temperature stayed around freezing. I built huge camps by the garden hedge, reenacting great trench warfare battles with pine cones as grenades. My machine gun also finding the target of the British soldiers. As with football teams, I always sided with the team in blue, obviously not knowing the real history behind the wars. It also made me want to side with the underdog and to try to appreciate the other side of a story. This was probably helped along by a continual stream of British movies celebrating victory against all odds, an attempt to counter the decline of the Empire since the end of the second world war.

My brief research indicates that there was snow around Dorset until February at least. A child’s dreamland!

1st January 1979
Watched the zany goings-on with The Didn’t Quite Make It In Time For Christmas Show

2nd Aug 2021 – That’s Kenny Everett and Rod Stewart – and this is what people looked like in 1979! Other guests were Leo Sayer and Hot Gossip. Punk had definitely not gone mainstream yet!

2nd January 1979
Tried some tricks with rubber bands
HEYY!

2nd Aug 2021 – Not sure what I was doing with rubber bands here but my mum taught me how to tie rubber bands together to make them longer. In summer I would tie four together and shoot dead the flies that had come in through the open windows during the day. Their blood-splattered remains smeared across the walls and ceiling.

3rd January 1979
I rolled a snowball about 3 feet high but later I smashed it with Kung Fu kicks

3rd Aug 2021 – Kung Fu was a pretty popular TV series and I was always in awe of when the guy gripped the molten pot that burned images of a dragon and lion onto his arms. I think I checked out the show again a few years ago and like many things, it’s best left good in the memory of the past. Looking for the attached picture tells me the show has been revived this year. Hmmm….could be good. Could be terrible.

4th January 1979
‘Blue Peter’ were talking about diaries
HEYY!

3rd Aug 2021 – No one who saw it at the time will ever forget Peter Purves exclaiming ‘What a lovely pair of knockers!’ about a couple of door handles. A further search for this has the phrase spoken by Simon Groom – see how fallible our memories can be?

5th January 1979
I found out that Saturday’s match wasn’t on
HEYY
What do you mean Heyy

3rd Aug 2021 – I was writing HEY on most pages of my diary because I loved watching Happy Days and also thought the Fonz was so cool. It was as close as a prepubescent could get to being a potential rebel. It was the nearest we got to seeing punk rock on the TV most weeks. I notice most of my diary this week revolves around TV. At this time we cherished these shows as they mostly were only on once a week and life was planned around things you wanted to watch.

On Saturday’s I would usually play football for the school team – I was centre forward, wishing to emulate my heroes Trever Whymark and Paul Mariner. Talking of which, as previously mentioned I think I also asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like the Fonz – which also never worked out well for me or the hairdresser.

I think in this case the match I was talking about was the Ipswich game as this would have still been school holiday time.

6th January 1979
Ipswich P-P Carlisle
BLURP!

3rd Aug 2021 – Ipswich had won the FA Cup last year and I believe did very well in 1979 too, winning the Cup Winners Cup and possibly the First Division (though that may have been in the following couple of years). These were days before big sponsorship deals and the names of the competition changing every year depending on who provided the money.