I’ll play a song for you, in this empty room Spill my heart for no one else to hear And when I reach the end of my tune I’ll turn off the lights and disappear
The memory of my words will stay Reverberating around these cold walls And when you wander by one day You will hear the whisper of my calls
“Be careful what you wish for When hope blinds you to the signs Forgetting that less means more Living the curse of interesting times”
A little slow to get going this morning as I turned off my alarm to sleep an extra hour.
Starting to think about getting lessons in order and writing new ones for my new classes. It’s giving me some good background anxiety but I trust myself to be able to pull everything together.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finally being able to book flights to Bangkok and back in May to see Arwith and the bands I’ve been working with.
The best thing about today was:
Eating mala sticks this evening. A simple thing but we haven’t done that for a long while.
It was hot enough, even at 8pm, to sweat when sitting still so eating those spicy sticks didn’t really make much difference!
Something I learned today?
Booking AirAsia flights on the website was giving me trouble but using the app on my phone worked instantly.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Staying in touch with Anchan to try and help her through this time.
Talking with Baipad about dealing with her mental health issues.
Inspired by news this morning that one of my young female students didn’t come home last night and was seen drunk posting on Instagram. Her name is connected with the poem’s title.
Like all my troublesome students, she reminds me of myself at that age. We fail to see that others want to help us and believe that we know better.
I hope she is safe and that the title doesn’t become a reality.
Today I’m feeling:
Super tired. I slept for about ten hours and when I woke up Amy started asking me questions and I could feel that my brain wasn’t working yet. I couldn’t think what to say!
The air is thick this morning and the mountains are barely visible, my nose blocked and bloody. I guess all the talk of countering the air pollution this year can’t overcome the actual problem. Let’s pray for rain, for all the good that prayer has ever done.
Today I’m grateful for:
An evening out for a change, trying this new restaurant Friendcation. It’s a fancy, expensive, beautiful place. The owners obviously have money though we can’t see how they can make profit yet. Chiang Rai isn’t quite ready yet but in the future they could be perfectly placed to do well.
The best thing about today was:
Reading more about British colonialism in the afternoon. I’m really enjoying this book, though it is hard going with the language used. Once I get into the rhythm of it though I don’t want it to end.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy and I left the restaurant at about 10:45 and Amy wanted to go to The Hideout Bar to check it out.
I was just tired and wanted to come home though. I didn’t see the point in us having to go tonight when we can go there at any other time to check it out.
As I was the driver I came home and listened to Amy complaining to along the way.
Something I learned today?
I heard that Pang made it home after her friends heard that the police were going to get involved. Not sure what the fallout from this will be.
I took this picture because this was the pleasant Mediterranean garden environment for our dinner this evening,
In grobblegrinch not merry met A whistlewomp paced upset Eyes colder than the darkest coal A ghosting galloped across my soul – The frugglefrau awaits beneath – The bridge, baring broken teeth The flutterflumps flew in fright As tolling bells queried the night Clearly here the foxes gather To feast on human gristleslather
A little flat. Summer has kicked in seemingly overnight and there are no more cool nights, at least not indoors. With the tail end of this flu, it has left me a little tired (though not sleepy) and easily affected by other’s moods or actions.
Today I’m grateful for:
A weed shop open in our little village! This evening Amy wanted to go and get some medicine and as we were riding home there was suddenly the smell of weed. Amy wanted to stop and bought a brownie in the hope that it will aid her to sleep better tonight.
The best thing about today was:
Getting through more than half of my grading for this semester and doing a lot of it during class time after setting some work and letting the students get on with it. It’s not even due yet but I want to get it done.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I forgot my medicine this morning so have been a little bit dizzy all day. Missing one day doesn’t affect me in that I will be depressed but the dizziness can be disorienting, otherwise I’m not thinking about the fact that I’ve missed it.
Something I learned today?
I bumped into my struggling student on the way to another class and they were on their iPad so I sarcastically asked if they were playing games or studying but they were actually live streaming. Live streaming whilst studying – and getting paid for it too! Sometimes 2000 baht they said! I waved to their followers and went off to class.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I followed up on the student who was struggling yesterday and they seem a bit better today. I gave some more tips and things to think about.
I also gave Baipad some more advice on using her brain more and trying to be more sociable. She reminds me of myself at times, much like all my students.
Imagine that, all my students are little pieces of me, running around as a reminder of what I was like! Is this a game? A fantastic AI simulation?
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 22. Don’t Blame People. What’s the point? Do you want to punish them? You don’t do that to people. Also, don’t blame yourself—you’re only human.
I’ve gotten better at this over the years. I would switch between blaming others and blaming myself. There are no winners in that thinking!
I took this picture on Saturday at the housewarming in the rice fields. No pictures today.
A little disheartened. I slept late again last night and couldn’t force myself up to exercise. Like I mentioned yesterday I tend to feel better and more energetic in the evenings when I’ve been sick or still recovering. When I woke this morning I could feel that I’m still not 100%.
My mood was ok but I could also feel that some of my students weren’t in such a great mood themselves this morning, though as can be expected there are still plenty who were. Perhaps those down ones infected me slightly though.
I also felt a little disconsolate as I came out of school to grab coffee and the reduced number of students being around already at this time of year reminded me that this will all be over again for another year.
Yesterday and last night was also the turning point for temperatures as I put the aircon on for a little while when I got home after work and then needed it on for four hours at the start of the night. With just the fan for the rest of the night, I woke up hot and tired. Time to start the cold showers I think.
Today I’m grateful for:
Casually chatting with Kru Karn about what to teach her class today (with so many students away), which was about to start, and through that coming up with the idea to get the kids to take a photo or video of someone in the school and then make a one-minute video presentation describing them (our topic is Describing People).
Initially, the kids were shocked when I told them all to leave the class and go and find someone to talk about. And then I was shocked to find all of them in the teacher’s room talking to Kru Karn because they wanted her to be the subject. When I found them I told them that everyone had to have a different person as the subject and they all left somewhat dejected, though it got their brains spinning.
Whilst they all went off, some actually doing the work, others just playing with the other half-class of students next door, I sat back a little, fielded questions, gave advice and started my grading files. Eventually, after the two hours were up, everyone had finished the task as best they could and I was happy and they were happy too.
The best thing about today was:
My grade 10s being late for class and me not caring! The work planned for them can be done at any time so we just started when they finally arrived and can do more next week.
It wasn’t their fault that they were late so we just enjoyed a relaxed lesson of writing and thinking.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
(See below)
Something I learned today?
One of our Thai teachers told a student that they will never get a job because they are not smart enough. I was fuming when I heard this, it’s the antithesis of how a teacher should be.
It’s a struggle for a teacher to pick everyone up but you have to support the students in any way that you can. You have to give them something.
I asked the student who confided the information to me what grade they got from that teacher and it was grade 4! Top grade! Unbelievable! It makes me angry!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Another student came to me today asking for help with mental health issues. We talked for about an hour going over the problems they are having (including the issue mentioned above) and despite our struggles with language we blundered through with translation and managed to understand each other.
I’ve done a little bit of investigation and sent some information for support services in Thai and I will find some more information for them later too.
Bruno took this picture in Italy, in the mountains where his family is from. No pictures from me today.
Very good. I pushed through exercise and felt good for it. At school, I comforted ****** as best I could and asked Jan to keep me updated. I feel a little hopeless about helping her and I can imagine she feels even more so.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nut’s Auntie and uncle who came and cleaned up lots of little details around our garden, in particular, pulling the weeds out from the driveway where our purple grass grows.
The best thing about today was:
Hearing from my grade 10 students that the reason that they wanted me to teach them next year is that they feel relaxed in my class and find it fun and more enjoyable than with Thai teachers. I have to wonder what some of their other classes are actually like.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
On arriving home Amy was cleaning Bruno’s high-pressure hose (and seemed to be in a bad mood) and told me he wanted it back.
I was doubtful about this as he had said to keep it as long as I needed and I still have a few places I’d like to clean up.
I was also informed that I would have to drive Nut’s Auntie and uncle back to Bruno’s after they had finished which would be soon.
I didn’t say anything, I hadn’t even got the shopping inside yet. I just accepted my fate and took a quick shower by which time they were ready to go.
Of course, once we got there, Bruno was surprised to get his machine back already as he knew I hadn’t finished with it, and said to take it back. I hushed him and told him not to worry about it, as it already revealed Amy’s little white lie and I made no complaint. Amy seemed to be in a better mood by then, so all was good as we drove back home again.
Something I learned today?
It has only ever snowed two times in the Sahara. How’s that for some relatively useless information.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Once again offering support to my students struggling with mental health issues.
I took this picture on Sunday morning because this was the same mountain that we were at the top of the afternoon before, rising out of the cool morning mist.
Struggled through exercise this morning as I’m still tired despite a long sleep and my first class was a little difficult to settle down but we all got there in the end.
Today I’m grateful for:
There not being the bad traffic I was expecting when driving home. There are some events going on around the city and surrounds during this month as well as royal visits that close off roads from time to time. But not today! Hooray!
The best thing about today was:
Doing some investigation, planning and discussion with Nampan from SpeechOdd for an upcoming vinyl release. I’m hoping that this will help me get more involved with the scene here in Thailand.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Both my first and last classes were difficult and annoying today but I persevered, having to keep the second class late due to constant interruptions. It doesn’t help that my lessons are designed for two full hours and now we only have 100 minutes.
Something I learned today?
Just as I’m writing here this evening I got a message from Jan wanting me to talk with ****** because tonight she wants to kill herself! Sigh… it’s easy to see how despondent kids can get in the home environments here sometimes.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Talking with Jan and ******, getting information from one and consoling the other.
Offering a helping hand to Freya who is also suffering from depression as well as some physical ailments.
Sharing in the happiness of Mee, who also tried to kill herself last year, but today ran up to me to give me a big hug and smiles, pronouncing that her mum is home from abroad after a long period of absence. Hopefully, this will be enough to turn her life around.
Offering to help out to teach some extra classes since two of our teachers have left recently.
How does my body feel today?
It’s pretty good today actually. I did arm exercises this morning but didn’t feel any after-effects from that during the day, even feeling compelled to do 10 push-ups in the evening. Yes, it’s not much but this weakling old man has to start somewhere and started I have.
After my exercise in the morning, I noticed a sharp pain in my foot like I was standing on a sharp stone. I then just thought that perhaps an ant had bitten me. It wasn’t until I got home after school I found that it was a thin deep cut. I didn’t feel anything whilst wearing shoes at school but in bare feet again it’s painful as hell as every time I put weight on it the cut opens up.
Apart from still aching shoulders after the weekend ride everything else is feeling just about at the normal level of ache for a 56-year-old boy.
I took this panorama picture on Saturday because the whole view was just magnificent. A picture doesn’t do it justice really. No pictures today.
Better after arriving at school this morning, the kids cheered me a little.
I struggled a little with getting up and exercising but once I got going it was ok. I ate extra yoghurt for breakfast too as I think that now I’m eating better because of Amy’s cooking I’m not actually eating enough. I seem to be losing weight quite easily; it feels a little too easy. I will try to eat a little extra today but must stick with healthy things.
Today I’m grateful for:
The free time I had today and also finishing early to watch some of the students practising for their sports day events (or just sitting around waiting for instructions and complaining a lot!). The kids are sure happier to spend less time in class.
The best thing about today was:
Some of my old grade 9 students saw me working in the small teacher’s room and came to chat. One of them, August (the girl who likes dance), was curious about what I was doing on my computer.
I was translating one of my lessons about sexual abuse in Thailand into Thai because I will teach it again to my grade 10 class whose English isn’t so good and I want them to understand as much as possible.
As she was reading the Thai translation I was quite happily surprised when she started reading it out in English, doing the translation in her head. She was then curious about the rest of the lesson and I went through it quickly with her, asking for her opinion on what is appropriate behaviour or not.
She had finished the work in her own class, where she was supposed to be and so stayed and asked about what other lessons I was teaching, so I showed her one about relationships, which I had also got translations for and she then helped me find better words for students to understand.
In the end, time was up but she was enjoying helping that she was reluctant to go.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sat and talked with the grade 7 student who reached out to me about mental health. His English is very good, much better than the rest of his class, and as a counterbalance to that, he can’t communicate as well in Thai! This is causing him some problems with making friends in his class.
He is also very thoughtful but sometimes he thinks too much and goes over things again and again. He is, thankfully, quite self-aware.
I gave him some suggestions and feel like he will be able to work things out though I think his abilities will mean that he will always feel a little separate from others.
What am I looking forward to this month?
The thing I look forward to most at the moment is being at school and I think this month will be a lot of fun, with having shorter classes and the kids excited about sport, Christmas and days off.
What is one thing I learned about myself this month?
I learned that I can still keep calm despite the reasonably big stresses of money and visa issues this month. I’ve learned to trust in myself and others and that things will turn out ok. This is a little different to how I might have been five or ten years past.
In Western countries, life can be quite rigid and your posture adapts accordingly. Things need to be known and in order for them to run smoothly.
In Thailand, I’ve learned that things rarely run smoothly but that everyone readily adapts without complaint. I’ve been learning this over the five years I’ve been here so that the problems that have occurred in the last month that might have been stressful before are more manageable now.
I took this picture from a video of the super naughty (and hilarious) KB hamming it up for the camera and her friends after fighting with me about doing work. It’s difficult to get angry with her because she is so funny and she does usually finish things with a push. She is also capable but just immature and lazy right now.
A sermon for every sin A sin for every hour And all the dreams later Wishes to enter this tower
Just one more sin, one more sin This sermon the last Begging to be let in From the long nights past
inspired by Chapter 4(?) of Wuthering Heights
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good in the morning and Amy and I had a nice lunch at Nut and Bruno’s. We came back and had a nap but I felt not quite right after that and now I just feel like doing nothing. I’m in bed at 6.30 already.
Today I’m grateful for:
My grade 7 student messaging me saying that he wants to talk about his mental health problems. I will meet him tomorrow. I’m glad he is self-aware enough to reach out.
The best thing about today was:
My grade 8 students coming to help or just watch my grade 7s with their reading.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Run out of enthusiasm and my stomach is feeling a little wobbly. Hope to sleep early tonight.
I took this picture because I was surprised to see this reference to the Sex Pistols Bill Grundy interview on a student’s jumper! No one had really looked at it until I pointed it but when they did they knew that fuck was a bad word.
Awake and alive despite only about six hours of sleep. Also feeling a little fragile and on edge but don’t know why. I feel like if something doesn’t go to plan I could easily lose the plot.
Today I’m grateful for:
Funfai for inviting me to play tennis which we finally got to do today. I made it through about 30 minutes and she had already been playing for an hour before that! It was only 9.30 am but over 30 degrees and no shade. I haven’t played for more than twenty years so everything was pretty stiff. My brain knew what it wanted my body to do but my body wasn’t always capable. I was dizzy after sitting down, drenched in sweat and super stinky as my shirt was one of those that hadn’t dried properly in the sun last week. And although my body feels used up I think it is happy to have been used. I want to go again!
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that Carsick Cars will play in Sydney whilst I’m there! I saw they will play with Garry David, so hit up Bob Blunt to get more info. Amy already has me busy with lunch and dinner appointments on the day they play but Bob advised that they added an afternoon matinee show which I should be able to squeeze in – no problem! Cool bananas! He also told me Julian Wu is the tour organiser so I messaged him too and he’s prepaid a ticket for me and it will be awesome to catch up with everyone again. What a trip!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got a message overnight from an M3 student, Pon, who I taught last year saying he was hoping to join the English Program next year but his grades weren’t up to scratch. I had rarely interacted with him and he was always quiet in class though he usually did my work. His low grade was when Dylan was teaching him and I’m not sure why he decided to message me to say he was devastated. I’m understanding but not exactly sympathetic. His grade was in his own hands and now he’s reaping the results of his lack of attention at the time. ‘Don’t care was made to care’ as I was often told as a child! Students are not taught how their decisions and actions affect their futures.
I read an article today about the negative effects of phone use and social media on children and how it affects the mental health of the undeveloped brain. It’s common sense to me that kids shouldn’t have phones in class! Even though I have tried to have them utilise their phones for study they often switch in and out to other apps which I know is detrimental to learning and memory.
I also received a message from my M2 student Alew, asking about scholarships. I don’t know how you go about applying for those but I’m glad he’s asking the question. I pointed him to Champ who may be able to give him some advice.
Something I learned today?
I saw that in China you can order your taxi by phone and if you are not sure where it might be, like at an airport for example, you can shake your phone and it will trigger the hazard lights on the car. And once in the taxi, you can control the aircon from your phone too.
What motivates me to do my best?
If I am invested in something I will do my best. Sometimes if I’m not invested I will also try to do my best but be less bothered about the result.
I am always trying my best at school to entertain and teach my classes. I put a lot of effort and energy into that and I’m personally motivated by that. I care about the results for the students and not for the results as seen by the school, which is why I disagree strongly with their grading policy.
Funfai took this picture because I asked her to. I wanted to see how I looked after running around in the sun for thirty minutes!
Just wait a minute, slow it down You can’t see the trouble brewing The choices made are pure emotion And you don’t know what you are doing
Wait a minute, test the waters Before the wave crashes and breaks You’re rushing headlong into trouble And the pain of those mistakes
Wait a minute, use your brain Look at the direction you are going Don’t brush off the wiser words Thinking you’ve done all the knowing
Wait a minute before you decide To step into the fire and burn Live to fight another day With all the things you’ll learn
Wait a minute, take a breath Are you certain that you know it all? Is now the time to experience The depths to which you’ll fall?
Today I’m feeling:
Perhaps after yesterday’s prompt about dreams, I was very aware of the dream I was having this morning as my alarm went off. For some reason my thoughts and emotions were spiralling out of control and even as I was aware of it happening I couldn’t control it. Nong Fah was trying to comfort me in a kind of student/teacher role reversal, but it didn’t work.
This dream was based on events from yesterday when Spain was very emotional in class and couldn’t be consoled. He is on the spectrum as is said these days and was having a tough time.
Yesterday I also talked with Fah about not knowing why Feije was acting a bit of character recently because they seemed to have become more friendly.
I woke up feeling a bit stressed and disconsolate but soon got over it with exercise which got the blood pumping but I also had to push hard to motivate myself to complete.
At lunchtime, I found Fah and friends in the library and Feije’s expulsion was the main topic and then, lo and behold, she appeared. Everyone gathered around to get the gossip and I made myself scarce so the kids didn’t feel uncomfortable.
Today I’m grateful for:
Gui’s mum for giving me four or five custard apples from their tree outside the cafe. I was surprised and appreciative.
The best thing about today was:
Finishing all my grading files for my students and reflecting on how the semester has been. It is definitely an improvement on last year for me with fewer frustrations. As ever it is always enjoyable to watch these young people and their stories develop. I appreciate them very much and I feel as if some of them appreciate me in return.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
There was just one point where a couple of students pushed my patience. I knew they were excited for the holidays but I just wanted them to do a little work for me first. Despite their initial defiance, they could see that I was serious and begrudgingly came and did it. I’m glad they didn’t push it further.
Something I learned today?
In my grade 7 classes this week I’ve just been giving short gratitude quizzes asking three things. What they are grateful for, what they learned and if anything is upsetting them. That last question has proved to be the most interesting.
This afternoon one of the students, Film, said that they were worried about another student’s mental health. I looked around the room and that student did look troubled and flustered. I took Film aside and asked what had happened and he told me that the student’s two best friends had been bullying him.
Knowing all the students involved I was not too surprised to hear this.
I took the student off to the teacher’s room and reassured him that the bullies were showing their true colours and were not being good friends. I can see he wants to be good in class but gets roped into doing ‘bad’ things by his friends. I encouraged him and told him that there were other students in the classroom who were concerned and cared about him.
He had a little cry but seemed to understand and appreciate the support. My guess is that they will all be friends again by next semester and it will all be forgotten though I think it would benefit him to find new friends that treat him better.
28th Dec 2023 – Sure enough they are all good friends and thick as thieves again, though I can see the bullied one is a little more cautious now.
What’s my favourite thing to do when I’m feeling down?
These days I kinda know how to stop myself from feeling down but if I feel like I can get it under control I know that sleep often helps me. Another thing that helps is to just do something different. I have so many options available really and it could be something as simple as going for a walk.
I took this picture because Cap hasn’t come and sat next to me for a few months. It was nice to feel his fur on my skin but the temperature was damn hot and sticky already and he was adding to it. I don’t know when or how deeply he sleeps as he seems to move from place to place every five minutes.
1994ever 