The golden age has been and gone We danced those glorious times away Left exhausted after the final song The fat lady now has nothing to say
Revival is just a nostalgic fail That feeling cannot be repeated At least alive to tell the tale Yet feeling sad and defeated
Today I’m feeling:
A little tired and unmotivated for most of the day. A good reading day. I feel like I might be able to force myself to do a little workout after talking with Amy and before eating something.
Today I’m grateful for:
The tool (name unknown to me) that was lying around the garden (used previously to try to break down the termite mound in the front corner of the garden) which I used to dig out the tough grass that the gardeners were too lazy to get out from in between the bricks outside the kitchen. The temperature around 5 p.m. is nice now so I’ll try and do a little in the garden. This ended up replacing my exercise for the day.
The best thing about today was:
Reading Clive James’ biography about his childhood in Sydney. He lived in Kogarah which is just a suburb away from my first Sydney home in Allawah. Although I only recognise a few of the places he talks about I can get a feel from my own memories of the area.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My motivation was lacking today and whilst I did a few things I hardly feel like I accomplished anything. I suppose I don’t need to feel like I accomplished things but I often feel like there are lots of things I could enjoy doing but can’t push myself to get up and go.
Something I learned today?
The city of Birmingham in the UK has declared bankruptcy. Things don’t seem too great there at the moment.
What are the most important moments in my life?
Boiled down to basics this would be moving countries and meeting the girls that I would spend my life with, for better or worse.
My old friend Fatty would often criticise me for changing my behaviour when I had a partner and from his perspective, I’m sure there’s some truth to that. I guess because of my father dying I felt my life was missing something and subconsciously knowing that one day my mum wouldn’t be there anymore, I held on closely to my girlfriends.
In my mind, I can kind of divide up my life into who I was with at the time. These people are obviously important to me.
I found this picture online because I was chatting with Baipad about pets and she said she liked border collies. Smart dogs. I still pine to have more animals but not knowing what the future holds makes it difficult.
The immigrant children complain of immigration They think they own the land Never taught their history, or easily forgotten They offer no helping hand
The suburbs are full of lawnmowers and cars This happy life must not be disturbed New arrivals collect glasses in the downtown bars Where lines of demarcation become blurred
A drink to our new friends here to find a way To live a long-forgotten dream once told To all who struggled in an effort to stay To seek the world their movies sold
I had to talk myself into exercising this morning but I pushed through with my mini ab workout. I’m glad I did because it got me awake and settled into a reasonable mood. I know I’m tired but also not craving rest. My left eye is aching still and whilst meditating this morning wondered if I’d had a stroke. I looked in the mirror and there were no obvious changes to my face. I should perhaps go to the local optometrist and get them to have a closer look inside.
Today I’m grateful for:
Our crazy school schedule that means I only have one class tomorrow afternoon at 2.30 so I’ve made the decision to sleep in and not sign in tomorrow and head to school around 1.30. Great!
The best thing about today was:
Watching some reluctant students stand up and speak in English and overcome some of their fears and hesitations. I made sure to commend them after class to lift their confidence further.
Before my last class of the day, I was playing volleyball and saw some of my students heading to class that included the three ‘bad’ boys, including the porn kid from yesterday. I roped them in to come and play and we bonded a little further. Enough so that we had a comfortable lesson without incident. I was happy with that result.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Things are humming along smoothly as of now.
Something I learned today?
Some folks in the West are railing against the Taliban because they have once again made opium production illegal and reduced it by 80% just as they did before the US invaded twenty years ago, when they made it legal again. Somehow drug production is okay in other countries but not in their own. The West is doomsaying all the negative outcomes that will arise from a country’s government implementing their own law. Hmmm… Hypocritical much?
How am I different than I was a year ago?
Differences year to year feel more slight than in my youth. If there’s anything that I can really feel it’s just a general improvement in well-being and contentment. My health has also improved though I can also feel my age as more time passes.
I took this picture because this simple little plant is growing in the parking space at the back of House and as I was walking by the sunlight was hitting at an angle that made the leaf shapes jump out at me.
Another week is here Another Monday of fun How many have I seen? How many more to come? Time runs away from me I can’t keep up these days On the downward spiral Running out of plays Lazy summer Sundays Now filled to overflowing Oh, to be bored again With no idea where I’m going Regret no past mistakes It was all a knowledge to seek Savour every living moment So begins another week
Uprooted
Uprooted from all you know At the age of just sixteen Still growing into your world But following your parent’s dream A better life is on its way Though you may not see it yet Take up this challenge Make the most of what you get
I’m teaching a sixteen-year-old student who is moving with her parents from China to Australia. A tough time for someone that age.
Four Rats
Four rats run around Tokyo Stealing all her food and drink Too slow in her reactions Those rats are smarter than you think Sniffing the air in excitement Whiskers twitching from their keep In the drains and shadowy corners Whilst Tokyo remains asleep
I am so happy and grateful for a long day of rest yesterday with nothing much to do. I could recover from my hangover just watching TV or playing with the cats and dogs.
I’m sitting here in a hot classroom with about thirty 10 and 11-year-olds dancing, screaming, shouting, crying, punching, singing, banging doors and hanging out windows. And this is on a good day.
But it is a good day. I am in the zone. I can hear and see the cacophony whirling around me, can feel the rush of air as little ghosts dash past. But I don’t notice it. Is this what a meditative state is like? I don’t know (yet).
I sat and listened to a meditation the other night. It had some special name and special components; it was interesting but made me very anxious. After relaxing into a quieter state you had to imagine yourself climbing a steep hill and huffing deeply, gasping for air. OK, I can imagine that. But this went on for what felt like 5 minutes. Huff huff. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t getting too much air, or too little. Huff huff. I felt dizzy. Huff huff. Nauseous. Huff huff. Anxious. Huff huff. Muscles wound tight, I tensed my stomach, itched my arms and kicked my legs. Fuck this.
Of course, I understand the purpose and I’ll check this again – maybe in a morning before I’ve had any coffee. The feeling of reaching the top of a mountain after extreme exertion will always have a relaxing satisfaction. It’s a long journey. Next time.
I’m jealous of those who enjoy the benefits of meditation and it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I fill my time with many things and meditation hasn’t found its way onto that list quite yet. Well, it is on the list, but never ticked.
Recently I have been able to tick a lot of things though and I’m quite proud of that. Everything around is about a challenge at the moment. A challenge of change. I’ve pondered if I’m having my mid-life crisis now. I think I had a minor one when I was about thirty but on reflection, it doesn’t seem like it was that critical. I want to get that long story written down one day, perhaps just so I can still remember it or enjoy it again when I’m going senile. Who knows when that will be?
If I can tick off some little challenges and form some good habits out of them I think they will prepare me for the bigger challenges that may be ahead. The unexpected challenges, the ones that you don’t realise are messing with your head and your happiness. I’m looking for better reactions and outcomes as I know I am sometimes my own worst enemy. I want to change.
I’m in a place right now that I consider a little precarious.
Moving from Australia to Thailand didn’t feel like much of a big deal and I have been particularly happy since making this move. No longer being in such a financial struggle has allowed lots of spare time to read, listen to music, write and learn more about myself. I have never needed to be surrounded by lots of people to maintain happiness and now I am far away from those that I have made friends with around the world. So, no big deal, I can make new friends here in Thailand.
But here’s the rub. I’m very conscious of some of the nefarious reasons that people come to live in Thailand, and how many Thais can exploit that. I didn’t come here to get sidetracked with other people’s ridiculous dramas. That rules out getting involved with the more visible of the English speakers where I am. Those people make themselves known.
I understand the comfort those people find drinking, gossiping and fornicating together. In a different time, I would’ve happily joined in. I don’t want to judge them too harshly. I just don’t want to be around them.
Now, myself not being the most outgoing person in the world, I am struggling a little bit because I would at least like the opportunity to make connections with more people. Not superficial acquaintances but connections like I have made in the past.
I can now look back at the feelings my ex from Japan had as she found it difficult to maintain friendships in Australia with her fellow countrymen as the nature of migration is most often temporary (not made easier by some countries’ inhospitable attitudes towards migrants).
Now I find myself with similar feelings.
I am attempting to connect as much as I can digitally and I am mostly happy in my little kingdom at home but outside those gates is starting to become a little scary and precarious. I feel like the rug could be pulled away at any time without any hope of control.
I started to think more about this because I set myself a challenge to talk to a stranger every day. That’s when I realised that I am the stranger now. Whilst I can communicate with a Thai person on a superficial level it can rarely go deeper, rarely connect.
Otherwise, I rarely see any other foreigners where there is an opportunity to talk but now it is in my mind. I tell the students here that they should run up to any foreigner they see and just start talking. Now, I have to tell myself to do that. It may be nothing…. No, it will never be nothing – there will always be something gathered from that challenge.
A friend may not be made; a connection may be forged; but a lesson will always be learned.
Now, I really should get back to studying some Thai.
Can you tell me What it is? Does it hurt you When I do this?
I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it too I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you?
Can you tell me? ‘Cause I don’t know Why don’t you tell me Why is it so Confusing?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can think through things better than I could before. Even though I haven’t been severely tested yet, every little piece of learning is helping to prepare me for any difficult situations in the future.
I’m quite envious of my students sometimes when I watch them laughing and playing together. I can feel the joy and excitement – it shines through their skin. It takes me back to those utter joyful days of excitement and wonder. Nothing else mattered except the fun to be had.
It has just struck me that the event that changed me was when we were at school at night time, to perform a play. All the students were there and lots of parents too. I had such a feeling of joy and connection that I wanted to kiss everybody. I was the same age as the kids in my class now.
When I wanted to kiss boys, I was mercilessly ridiculed by some of the more sexually advanced kids and they then gossiped to other kids and I left that once joyful night totally humiliated. Hmm. That night played on my mind for a long time and is obviously still clear to me now. Fucking kids.
From commonplace book
From quiet homes and first beginning Out of the undiscovered ends There’s nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends
Hilaire Belloe
To-do list
Start compiling exam questions ½
Check if emails can be compiled and printed ✅
Write more in school journal ✅
Can you find an opportunity to help someone
Keep practising – Think first, speak later
Strange day today. Only found out when I arrived that there was some event on all morning and there would be no lessons which meant changing my teaching plans somewhat. I really felt quite chill with everything today. Whilst others were complaining I thought it wasn’t useful. We always complain about the same things. We know they will happen again and again – so complaining isn’t going to change anything.
I sat in my classroom and did what I wanted all morning as I hadn’t been given any directive to be elsewhere. The lack of communication can work in my favour.
I compiled a bunch of outstanding emails and printed a bunch of things so I’m quite pleased with that. I started putting together the exam questions and have a few weeks left to complete all that.
I had lots of time as I also had no classes in the afternoon so I was able to read and write a lot. As I didn’t meet many adults today I didn’t really find an opportunity to help anyone. I would’ve liked to ask Kru Noon if she wanted me to do anything but I only saw her for about five minutes around lunchtime. I’ll keep in my mind that I should offer some help.
I spoke a bit more than necessary when I met some of the other teachers – must remember to keep some thoughts to myself. I didn’t overdo anything though. Just something to keep getting better at.
Tomorrow I will drive to Chiang Mai for my passport application. I challenge myself to drive more slowly – not over 100 km/h and to be more careful. I will go to Mohawk Bar in the evening and meet John Murrie – I’m interested in what he has to say about teaching and politics.
If I have time I will drop by International House and say hello. Also, if time and money permits I’d like to check out the bookshop that Oh recommended.
The National Front are on another march A march for freedom in the past ‘Expel the minorities for the master race’ Worship a picture of the Fuhrer’s face
Raise your hands and shout ‘Sieg Heil’ Kick in the blacks in true fascist style Now you’ve got the power in your hands To expel your aliens from across our lands
So your plan goes ahead and all is done No more odd cultures to spoil your fun When then will you persecute? Who’s next in line for you to shoot?
The master race is supposed to be happy and free But something’s wrong and you begin to see That your plan was not such a good idea The people are restless cos their view is clear
Unemployment has fallen and all looks well But vacancies have risen and there’s nothing to sell Who’ll do your shitwork now the labour’s gone? It’s only after the exodus you’ll find that you’re wrong
24th Jul 2024 – Although not particularly eloquent I’m impressed that the 16-year-old me from 40 years ago understood much of the hypocrisy of blaming others for one’s own woes. It is still the same old tired rhetoric. I saw it in the UK at the time, even worse in Australia in the 2000s and once again here in Thailand where the locals bemoan Burmese and Laos workers taking jobs away from locals. The ‘shitwork’ that the locals are not prepared to do for the same money.
1994ever 