Can’t turn my head unless I move my body Years of abuse made the muscles shoddy I need a year of massage, it’s so sore I shouldn’t read books laying down anymore
Tried stretching, exercise, even alt-med Nothing stops the pain when I get out of bed More than a hundred doctors to whom I’ve spoken Won’t tell me the truth, my neck is broken
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the trials of my visa application. It vexes me every year and teaches me again about patience and understanding. It takes me a couple of days to get over the annoyance. That’s today.
Another Monday here again. I’m happy to get back to my classes after missing Friday and enjoy making my students think hard. I feel a little in limbo with 4 or 5 weeks left of term and then dealing with all the usual end of term paperwork nonsense.
Despite enjoying being stuck at home (or school) constantly, I’m starting to feel a little cabin fever. Sometimes going somewhere else makes you appreciate home so much more. I have to learn to have that appreciation all the time, regardless.
We watched an amazing moon rise last night – the halo visible before the moon appearing.
I sent a provocative question to Hayden this morning – ‘six months from now, what will you wish you had spent time on today?’ I answered that I’m thinking that I should help Amy more around the house. Just the simple things that we can do together. Now I am a little lazy about these things and just do them when I feel like it and so I need to make myself feel like it.
I’m guessing Hayden won’t answer this question though. He isn’t comfortable dealing with things in the present and looking to the future. Let’s see – sometimes he surprises me.
Your shroud appears from cover rising The promise of night so tantalising In the grip of madness paralysed Venus and Jupiter both recognised
Silver hole, a mirror reflecting The gods of day on earth inspecting The sins of man in darkened hours Drew a panoply of meteor showers
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to see the beautiful glowing full moon last night and a bright Venus shining close by. And then a clear sunny morning today bringing some lightness to everything.
There was a beautiful haloed moon last night, and some misty atmospheric conditions allowed the bright silver disc to shine with a massive aura, dissipating into the thick black sky. Off to the left and closer to the horizon, Venus stood out as a single point on an unseen graph. No stars visible straight above, just a single beacon further on the opposite horizon over the mountains. A fine temperature too, though still somewhat humid indoors.
I slept early and remember interesting dreams, now of only vague specifics.
Another sweet coffee and football morning has me inspired, though this afternoon we’ll finish off watching Versailles, which has gotten me a little more interested in European history.
Amy is talking in big dreams of the future, and where we might relocate in Australia and her ideas of a Thai restaurant. I will follow her dreams happily as I have few dreams left of my own – satisfied I am with everything I’ve done.
Forcing myself to notice the pictures and decorations on the walls in different places. Strangely, this was a tough one and it made me realise that I don’t go to many different places, especially during these difficult pandemic times. Of course, it may be that I did go to many places but didn’t notice the pictures on the wall!
This was the first picture – taken all the way back on Jan 6th!Finally got to 10 pictures today!
Poems on this day
Field of Observation
Warm damp air clings to us In the middle of our own field Like quantum theory – look away A million fireflies are revealed
Lightning flashes on the horizon Boding well the breeze to come Buzz on about your business There’s space here for everyone
Illusions
The grey is not just in the sky It’s in my head, my half-closed eyes The passions of yesterday are gone The words said cannot be undone
This sick mind exaggerating All my deadly contemplating A coward stuck in sheep’s clothing Just wants an end to my self-loathing
To run away, just run and run To put an end to what’s become We slowly watched things going sour Took the pain and gave it power
We mixed it up, caused confusion Stuck inside this brief illusion I still love you, I will always love you How can I ever love myself?
Rocks and Oils
Artificial lines and boundaries Sought to divide and rule Keep the savages occupied Then pour on extra fuel
Some arbitrary borders Laid down after wars Pay us to keep the peace We’ll be back to settle scores
Killed a man a thousand years ago For this, you’ll one day pay And grab this dirty rock of yours Put down a flag and say
‘Get out and stay out’ You’re not welcome here Our fathers always taught us You are not what you appear
This Is A Test
Some days I ask myself Just what am I doing here? On good days things make sense But others are not so clear
Sensitive to your words Your scathing drunken attack I can’t always shrug it off Unless you take them back
Regularly we cycle Through this vicious routine So here we go again What does it all mean?
I just wanted to take it easy Sit back and relax But then I see you drinking Preparing your attacks
Let’s sit down and fix it Make things for the best Many more years ahead of us This is just a test
Plus Minus
If I keep writing down these negative thoughts Am I throwing them out or reinforcing them? Am I making things worse than they already are Or should I be symbolically divorcing them?
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful to be able to stand in our garden at night and watch all the fireflies buzzing around. To feel the warm air surround my skin and to stare at the moon and wonder if I could go there. It seems close enough to touch.
The best thing about today was thinking and writing my way out of a funk. Last night, I was a little cranky, and Amy was drinking again. I was in bed, and she came in to play, but I wasn’t really in the mood. Then she bit my face, and I pushed her off me. She felt insulted and complained that I don’t love her anymore and walked out. I was tired and annoyed, and although I was thinking about these words, I was so tired I fell asleep and didn’t even hear Amy come to bed.
I was woken up during the night, having a dream that Amy was getting too friendly with Ben, another of the teachers we know, and after that, it was difficult to get back to sleep.
I snoozed my alarm, and Amy didn’t bother to get up in the morning, but before I left, I told her that I was worried about her still. She said she was the one who should be worried. I get really upset when she’s drinking and says things like ‘you don’t love me anymore’ just because I’m annoyed with her behaviour at the time.
This morning, I couldn’t feel my way out of this darkness, but eventually, by the afternoon,n I was feeling OK. Not brilliant, but OK. However, Amy was in a short and bad mood when I got home due to an upset stomach and problems with something she was trying to bake.
I thought we could go for a drive tomorrow – it’s a holiday here again. Amy asked ‘Where?” but I just don’t care where – just get out of the house and see what is out there. We both know that there is nothing out there but it’s just a distraction from staying home again.
Looking up into the sky I often think and wonder why The moon looks tired and old It looks so white and cold Tired moon In the afternoon Tired moon Smiling soon
1994ever 