Tag: narcissist

Safety First – 13th September 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s a dirty war where enemies become friends
And friends enemies to further their own ends
To the victor the spoils, to make up the rules
To put out the fires burning on hated fuels

Some will celebrate whilst others may flee
An order emerges to which most want to agree
Freedom for the ignorant, itself its own cage
Repeated ad infinitum on every history page

Better to be oppressed than constantly scared
It’s all relative when your life has been spared
Safety comes first, freedom a patient wait
Rebuilding lives, thankfully able to create

Stop running tired now passed that difficult test
Grateful once more, living again, amongst the blessed

29th May 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that in my dream last night I tried to protect the people I love – even though I woke up screaming, waking up the people I love!

I was not in the best of moods over the weekend but not terrible. I think I ran out of energy yesterday and just ended up reading and watching TV. Last week, on Monday, I gave George some ground coffee as a gift and to show that I’m OK with him even though he doesn’t interact with me anymore.

Then, on Friday, as I was listening to YouTube and just before writing my entry here, he came into my classroom, which was a bit of a surprise, and I smiled towards him as he approached. He came up to me with the coffee and said, ‘Why did you give me this?’ I said, ‘No reason – just a gift. You drink coffee, don’t you?’ He put it on the table and said, ‘I don’t accept gifts for no reason’, turned around and walked off. I was speechless.

I sat for a while, writing my entry and decided not to mention this and to think about it over the weekend first. This may have also affected my mood a little, but I realise I feel quite resilient to this kind of behaviour! It gets me curious about what makes people act in this way. Suspicion? Pride? Culture? Anyway, I will ignore this stupidity,

I talked a little with Amy and Bruno about it. Amy blames me for even trying to interact with him. Bruno agreed that it was strange behaviour but not so uncharacteristic from what he know of George. We all agreed that we all feel sorry for Bee, who knows what he is like and puts up with it, whatever her reasons.

Anyway, I gave the coffee to Champ this morning, who was really appreciative of it!

What To Do? – 5th August 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Son, I learned a lot of lessons in life
I should pass them on to you
But you don’t want to listen to me
Too old to know what you go through

*You’re going to learn things the hard way
That’s how I learned them too*
One day, you too will realise this
And then you’ll also wonder what to do

*pinched from Drive Like Jehu’s ‘Caress’

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to Gui and Art for allowing me to get coffee on credit for a few days while I wait for payday. It’s not that I don’t have money but that I can’t let the amount in the bank go under 400,000 baht for my visa application.

Well, I thought about telling George as I wrote yesterday but then this morning he saw me down one of the hallways and didn’t wave or say hello at all. I shouted out hello but he’d stepped out of sight. Well!

So, anyway, I went into the teacher’s room where he was sitting and said good morning directly to him to which he replied with a quiet disposition. I got some water and as I was leaving asked him how he was keeping. As has been the case almost every time I try to start a conversation with him I have to repeat the question again as if he wasn’t listening, paying attention or couldn’t hear. I asked him about Bee and said I missed her. It wasn’t going to get much beyond platitudes.

Anyway, I made an effort. I appreciate that for myself.

We got that attitude! – 22nd March 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful that Amy had such a good time at the weekend. She came back very happy and a little drunk. I am grateful to Takky for taking care of her and doing all the driving too.

Well, Dylan didn’t make it on Saturday as he went out the night before. I can recall times when things like that would’ve upset me – especially as I was up and waiting for him at the meeting point. But now, I just brush it off and get on with other things and I spent an enjoyable day around the house and even treated myself to my first beers of the year – for which I paid for on the Sunday – but it was OK to remember what alcohol is like! It was also damn hot during the day and through the night now too. One thing I did notice is that my neck didn’t hurt in the morning like it usually does. Just the rest of my body suffering.

Anyway – the best thing that happened today was that I managed to get a lot of posts on to the blog as there is nothing much to do at school this week. Sadly, this morning George was really rude and abrupt with me, not even trying to be friendly with generic conversation, inviting others out for coffee to a different place than his usual DeLanna and not inviting me along or even looking at me. I can’t pinpoint anything in particular that I have done to upset him but he seems to have some problem with me again.

It’s sad to be posting up blogs from 2019 and how George helped me a lot and now he doesn’t even want to talk to me. I have my suspicions that it is something to do with his relationship with Bee and her friendship with Amy. I haven’t been the friend he wants me to be and that seems a little sad, selfish and egotistical on his behalf.

George likes his little troupe of followers to go along with him and everything he says and if you step out of line you are not allowed back in. Even Bee says he has problems with friends which is so odd because he is friendly and outgoing on the surface. But all that’s superficial.

Anyway, now is a test to see how I handle things because the environment at work is very uncomfortable because of this.

I’ve been reading Zen Mind, Zen Beginner and some of that calms me – but I can’t quite work out how. Other bits of it seem close to nonsense in a realistic world setting. I can understand it without thinking it’s something I should do – like bowing 9 times or something like that.

Anyway, reading, thinking, growing. It’s the same as it ever was.