When does so much become so little? Believing it’s always your turn
Your debt to yourself is catching up
Your life is empty (as such)
Left with no thing:
Just sand slipping through your fingers
Tell me When does too little become too much?
This quadrille is a reworking of my poem Taking Stock, a cascading poem itself based on the lyrics (italicised) from the Nomeansno song Stocktaking. Shared with dVerse Quadrille #231 – much
Lies are the words that I use when you look up hopefully.
Why is it seriously funny that the truth will set you free?
All of the things that we feel are a trick, a fantasy.
In the deafening silence, we could just learn to be.
Lies are the light and the hope in your eyes as they shine on me.
Within this blinding darkness, it’s the truth I foresee.
Tie up my hands with your chains, they are bound to set me free.
It’s all so clearly misunderstood that the truth will set you free.
Written (after the fact) for the GloPoWriMo Day 11 prompt: write a poem that incorporates song lyrics – ideally, incorporating them as opposing phrases or refrains. Song lyrics are italicised, taken from All Lies by Nomeansno
This braided poem was assembled after reading a couple of posts at Sonia Dogra’s blog, borrowing the first line and then weaving together the lyrics from Nomeansno’s ‘It’s Catching Up’, with an imagined meeting with an old friend both now and in the past. Also shared with Poetic Adventures
We bring with us the weight of others Living rent-free in our heads
– Have you heard the news? – The dead walk
We’ll meet in my room again
How to disconnect from the connected?
A sweet, dusty smell of cigarette ash A comfortable haze, a bitter beer taste
– Do you hear that sound? – Like fingers scratching underground
We’ll drive our parents crazy
The burdens of reality are distraction Voices wild and unnerving
– Do you hear that sound? – That slamming door
Put on another record to soothe the pain
My only friend, history made us enemies It only felt like forever
– I’ve fought it all my life – I can’t fight it anymore
We carry a deep nostalgia for last week
Here again, drawn to that sound Everything changed, and nothing too
Are you sick and tired of the same old thing Or are you happy enough? Tell me When does so much become so little? When does too little become too much?
It feels like you’ve been here before These are familiar words you sing Wheels spinning Stuck on the rat race treadmill Are you sick and tired of the same old thing?
A trophy wife and trophy life Surrounded by all this glittering stuff Are you empty? Is that a constant nagging inside Or are you happy enough?
I have so many questions Are you certain of all that you see? Never wrong? I don’t believe everything that you Tell me
The Joneses are growing bigger Your ego inflexible and brittle Tired of waiting Believing it’s always your turn When does so much become so little?
Your debt to yourself is catching up Your life is empty (as such) Left with no thing Just sand slipping through your fingers When does too little become too much?
A little better today after all that sleep yesterday. I ended up waking a little early this morning, took a while to get myself going but my first two classes were fun and easy.
I feel freaking hot though, my body seems to be working overtime to get rid of whatever is making me sick. No fever though.
Today I’m grateful for:
Getting through the day in reasonably good shape. I was tired but energised again after another bowl of Pla Tom from Chef Amy. I think I’ll sleep well tonight if I can keep this little cough under control.
The best thing about today was:
On my way to my last class, I found 4 of the students that I had penalised for not submitting work yesterday furiously writing it all out in the canteen. I stood over them for about a minute and they were so focused they didn’t realise I was there.
When they all looked up they gave me a half-upset and annoyed look, along with an ‘ok, I fucked up’ half-smile.
They were wonderfully behaved in my class today and we all had a good time.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I was all set to teach in my normal room with aircon this morning when another teacher came along and kicked the kids out. We easily found another room but unfortunately, without aircon.
To be honest, the aircon doesn’t make that much difference when a room is full off sweaty teenagers (and a sweaty old man!).
In the past, I might have let this sudden change bother me but now I can deal with it easily.
Something I learned today?
I learned that the US Anti-Doping Agency, which monitors for performance-enhancing drugs in sports, let off offenders and allowed them to keep competing so long as they dobbed in other cheaters!
This same agency has now accused the Chinese swimmers of being drug cheats at the Olympics, even though they were tested 3 times more than any other country and passed every test.
The anti-China rhetoric has jumped the shark.
I took this picture because earlier in the week, Baipad had alerted me to a Facebook auction with this Gloomy Bear plushie. I bid 220 baht and won and here he is sitting on the shelf next to my bed. It gives me the opportunity to give back the plushie that Baicard gave me on Teacher’s Day 4 years ago and had been sitting there collecting dust ever since.
Stumble in darkness clear of you A restful cave, I start to think Repeat the mantras I wrote for you To amuse, gather together what I have To pass this quiet time
Thrust into light, away from you A forgotten face is all I have Understood by both, no means no Repeat the mantras I have for time
“You think you have time, you have no time”
Ghosts by nomeansno
A golden shovel inspired by nomeansno and submitted to FOWC with Fandango – faceless and MLMM Wordle #377 – clear, restful, repeat, amuse, pass, thrust
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good. I was so tired last night that I couldn’t even read in bed. My eyes were hurting, probably from too much screen time, and may get even worse today with my six-hour break before class!
Anyway, my alarm woke me up from a deep sleep but I felt good from it and exercised and got going.
Today I’m grateful for:
The folks at the post office who helped me get the parcel sorted to send it to Singapore. It was freaking expensive and meant getting credit at House again until I get paid but had to be done.
The best thing about today was:
I knocked up a good lesson plan in my spare time today and I enjoyed thinking about it and putting it together.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Man, this six-hour break is killing me! It’s too long. I think next week I will go and sit in with my old class. Let Kru NumNim teach and help out some of the poorer students.
Something I learned today?
I got back in touch with Nevin and he wrote back today that he will be moving to HK to study in a couple of months. Hopefully I might be able to catch up with him there sometime.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
In my one and only class of the day there were 4 or 5 female students who weren’t supposed to be there, come to hang out with the younger girls that they fancy. I let it go for today, as I actually didn’t spot them until later in the lesson!
I don’t usually mind if other students come but they seemed to be disturbing the kids that need to study the most.
Amy took this picture of the mum and dad. Happy family.
Searching my tiny little brain for inspiration for the prompt word ‘touch’, I suddenly remembered the lesson I taught my grade 10 students yesterday about sexual abuse.
On one of the slides I showed a cartoon boy and girl in underwear with the title ‘Don’t touch me there’ and we discussed where it was ok to touch another person without permission.
The final slide contains the text ‘Whatever we wear, wherever we go, yes means yes, no means no.’ I love hearing the kids say ‘no means no’, not just because of the meaning in this context but because NOMEANSNO is one of my favourite lyrical bands that has stayed with me throughout my life.
So this all came together quite quickly in the end and it was just a matter of squeezing everything down to 44 words for the challenge.
Today I’m feeling:
Not so great this morning. I didn’t sleep well as snot dripped out of my nose when I slept on my left and my shoulder ached on my right. Will have to get some medicine to fix me up as we have a housewarming to go to tonight.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being free to take a long sleep of recovery from about 11 am until 4pm. After taking some medicine and reading for a little bit I fell into wild and crazy dreams, stirring in and out of delirium each toss and turn.
The best thing about today was:
I haven’t felt like there was anything today that was best. I enjoyed reading some more of Thurston Moore’s Sonic Life. That’s about it for today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Being at this housewarming is out of my control. I feel sleepy and medicine dizzy. Not unhappy but not particularly sociable.
Something I learned today?
Aing and Now, who arrived here last night for Now’s friend’s graduation had to travel by bus from Bangkok this time, with a day in Chiang Mai on the way. Money is tight for them these days and I know they appreciate our free accommodation.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
After my long sleep, I thought that I would be ok for the housewarming and drove us there through, familiar to me, beautiful green rice paddies which Amy enjoyed, especially as the sun was moving into the golden hour.
At the party though, I wasn’t feeling good and the thumping over-extended PA was giving me a headache as all-comers were slowly slipping into a typical village drunken mania.
I anticipate a couple of cars ending up stuck in the paddies later. I made my retreat telling Amy to call and I would come and pick her up later.
I took this picture because this is the view from the open kitchen at the housewarming we are at. The other three sides are rice fields too. Nice. Perhaps the wooden shack in view is the original house. There seem to be about ten or more people sitting in there, cooking, eating and drinking.
Better than yesterday but I slept really badly, waking seemingly every 20 minutes or so and feeling either too hot or too cold. When I went out for coffee Noey commented that I looked better today, that yesterday I looked about 60 years old and today I look about 20! I’ll take compliments wherever I can get them.
It felt good to work with Thiban this morning and get the order placed for the High Voltage/Speech Odd split 12”. We were able to get that done before Amy and I headed into the city to see Grandmum and get lunch.
Today I’m grateful for:
A surprise rain last night that did the watering for us and helped clean the air of the layer of smoke descending from the mountains.
The best thing about today was:
Still being alive. Many others didn’t make it today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy invited me into the room to see her grandmum. I didn’t want to go but felt obliged to. She looks like a skeleton, just bones and motionless except gasping for air. I couldn’t stay.
A minute later, Amy let out a scream and everyone came running. As mum comforts grandmum, saying it’s ok to go, but life wants to hold on. Shallow breath returns but how long can death be put off and is it worth it? There’s nothing to look forward to except another gulp of breath.
Another minute later and she’s gone.
I don’t know what the etiquette is now or how to help. I feel useless. This once vibrant body is off on its final disintegration and I don’t wish to acknowledge that this is my fate. Everyone’s fate. I feel empty in my stomach.
I don’t cry for grandmum, for Amy or her family. I cry for my own useless self.
Something I learned today?
It seems that the best option for the nomeansno book is to order it on Amazon but as money is short this month it will have to wait.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Of course, today took a turn and I did as Amy instructed without complaint despite still feeling dizzy and tired by around 4pm. Lots of running around picking up things for the temple. This will be the way for tonight and the following three nights before the last prayers and trip to the crematorium.
I took this picture of Grandmum’s photos that we took to the flower shop and will be used alongside the wreaths for her funeral. Her younger self; a beautiful Chinese-looking lady, though I think the Chinese heritage was on the grandfather’s side. The picture on the right was how I knew her. She always offered me food when I saw her. I held her hand when we went out to restaurants or visited the temple, her skin was so soft and smooth that it was hard to believe she was the age she was. She would have been 92 in March. A good run but as I approach my own end it doesn’t seem like it is even close to enough.
Quiet as a mouse Softer than a lamb Tighter than a clam Dead as a…. (Lizard tail) Roses are red My blood turned blue Shadow in tarmac Ah! Fuck you! Frog, dead frog Dead frog Dead
To the tune of Nomeansno’s Dead Bob and inspired by the titular dead frogs that litter our road, squashed to shadows of themselves.
Today I’m feeling:
Enthusiastic though a little tired. Skipped morning exercise for 20 minutes of extra dreaming this morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Yukari in Japan for sending me CDs last year and when they didn’t arrive she sent new ones. The original package arrived today!
The best thing about today was:
Sitting in my classroom before the kids arrived but sat in a different corner for a different perspective and supping a surprisingly delicious coffee. Savouring every second before the whirlwind commences.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As usual, my lazy classes turning up late with excuses and nonsense. I did what I could with what I had and lowered my expectations. The kids who were there stayed after class and we ended up having a better time than usual.
Something I learned today?
Guangdong province in China has turned around serious pollution problems from 20 years ago and is now winning awards for the transformation of its natural resources. Some of the videos look stunning. I’d love to go to China again sometime.
What would you do if you lost all your possessions?
I’d look forward to the gathering of many of them again. I love the search more than the ownership. I should do an online business to satisfy myself. Then I don’t need to keep the things I possess but just keep buying and selling.
I took this picture because I reminded myself that I need to take pictures (of something beautiful preferably) so when I was on my way back to school I took this picture. This reservoir is opposite the school grounds and it is an obvious attraction for students to feel thrilled and illicit.
Is this the year that truth may be heard Instead of a story being sold? Is everyone prepared to stand by their word In order that the truth may be told?
If you are not happy it’s your own fault.
Ivan Alexyevitch, A Happy Man by Anton Checkov
This is how it will be from now. As the last year ended with death, so the next has begun. Amy’s high school friend Nan’s dad died suddenly at 3am this morning.
As I saw children, teenagers and uni students’ energy from their night’s cavorts I want to warn them to enjoy life when they can but also to start preparing for this time. I never thought I would see this age but I’m glad I have and now I must suffer its death and decrepitude.
So, beautiful children, whether you are ready or not, it’s coming.
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and relaxed
Today I’m grateful for:
The people at Dasa Books in Bangkok for allowing me a few days’ grace with ordering books as I wait to get paid. I’m finding lots of interesting bits and pieces and look forward to reading more this year.
The best thing about today was: Playing with the two little kids in the restaurant at lunchtime. They were super cute and engaging and entertained the other customers and the kid’s parents who were the owners. As it was a buffet Amy and her mum and dad could stay longer and eat drink and talk more. Everyone was happy with clown Shaun, the child carer.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Almost everything got disrupted today. We took Tigger to get a shower at the professionals but twenty minutes later they called us to come and get him because they were scared Tigger would bite them. Never mind. Amy wanted to try and clean him straight away but I said no cos I know how much trouble it’s going to be and soon we were supposed to be going out for lunch with Amy’s mum and dad. We were still waiting at midday so Amy called her mum and found out her dad was sleeping. We were getting hungry and told them to hurry up. Finally, they came and we went to the restaurant and Amy and her dad got drunk. Amy had planned an evening out but that was cancelled after Nan’s father passed away last night so instead we were off to the first night of the funeral. Even that, finishing quite quickly I was hopeful to be home in good time but Amy wanted to eat again so we’re here now at a khao tom restaurant. But I feel fine with everything, able to go with the flow much easier than before. And driving home felt smooth and relaxing like I was manipulating a video game. I wonder what it is that made this day ok for me but others not so much. Enough water, something I ate, enough sleep or the cool weather? I wish I knew.
Something I learned today?
From watching the Little Chinese Everywhere YouTube channel I followed Yan to Antakya in Turkey and learned that the people there (like anywhere I guess) are curious and friendly. There was French and Syrian influence as well as a mix of religions and so it was I learned that this city used to be called Antioch. Perhaps tomorrow I will learn what the Antioch Arrow was…?
What goal would you like to accomplish this year?
I’d like to recover my fitness and still get to 75kg this year. Having covid seems to have set me back on this in 2022… or I’m using that as an excuse. I think I’m getting a little less tired now though it seems to catch up with me by the end of each week. I hope to push on through again, get back into the routine and exercise habit again.
Amy took this picture because I asked her to and also because it’s not easy for me to see what these tattoos look like. Anyway, the idea was to post a picture on the Nomeansno Facebook group but my post was declined because I don’t have a picture in my user id. I haven’t had one for a couple of years now since cutting back on using FB and I do understand the reason the group rules require users to have pictures but still I was looking forward to showing off. Haha. I also realised that this tattoo is now ten years old already. I also wanted this picture because I’m considering getting the dancing punk covered up with the cover art from the Birthday Party’s Junkyard and wanted to see how feasible it might be. Also, if it is what I actually want.
1994ever 