I love the time that I didn’t love myself, the past plays upon my mind; I was too busy with pleasure to consider what the future would find.
I wandered the quiet forests of imagination waiting for everything to be mine; Disappointment followed me there, to the tree wishing to turn back time.
Every sigh a plea, the heartbeats heavy when will my love find me here? Building towards a crescendo, I found what I wanted, too late to hear.
The sun was always hiding, slipping through my fingers, clenched white in fists; Missing the chance pleasure of the rain even as it so casually persists.
All that we possess – given to us all A lifetime to impress – ‘now’ remains so small Today is a gift – due to expire Let it be the lift – leading to inspire
I might be mistaken but you were the very first (at least as I remember), the one who would awaken the child, underrehearsed, as a repeat customer.
The twelve turns swung around me for the third time; the damage by my own accord. With my eyes kept to the ground, these dirty hands of mine would be a blemish on her otherwise pristine record.
Since then, the decline in the quality of dates was evident on either side of the tracks. A shiny attractor at one time soon became as inelegant as another zombie lurking in the depths of my phone contacts.
That ghoul revived; dead friends with benefits and decorated with unseasonal flowers; the shiny patch on her nose survived and the black dress she still tightly fits gleamed in the light of the setting sun’s golden hours.
All neat lines, sharp angles, and overlapping layers; sliding like the glass elevators inside the chromium tangles; her face halted her betrayers; tinged red like the clouds and their orchestrators.
A moment of sudden uncertainty, pursuing fame and profit, wasn’t completely meaningless either; the lowest rung is always so dirty. And unable to stop it, in the arranged dating marketplace, at the hands of my deceiver.
Existing together somewhere beyond the family, outside the home, the lawn turned from green to black, then orange under the light’s care, cycling back through time’s blown; the abrasions of the rainy season had marked the surface of the stack;
Brand new, or a decaying shell on the point of collapse, the red pylons of the distant Yangpu Bridge mapped out all the city’s positions well; like two sticks of incense, perhaps, glowing at each tip and releasing all their smoky courage.
Illuminating everything that could see them and everything that could not, she could have been an actor, or a time traveller (from way back) then; sparks were cast down, sparkling hot glittering waves that tumbled forth and entrapped her.
Amber street lights, black roads, mauve tights, like a game restarting in something of a trance; like two fish trapped in a weir; stuck in the reddish neon nights, she disappeared down one hole, by chance, and from another she’d reappear.
The reflections gleamed , neither the air nor the water had changed with the years; the two incense sticks seemed crimson, solemn, and brought her indifferent to the blazing headlights of a thousand volunteers.
The surface of the river was calm, and the sky was broad; it felt like I had left my room behind and was standing with her arm-in-arm, a simple reward, together in the midnight street I might be mistaken and I may be so inclined.
This poem is an exercise of my own invention. I took a short story (Goodbye, Bridge of the East by Wang Zhanhei) that I wanted to read but hadn’t yet, and ran it through DeepSeek to extract whatever lines it found of a poetic nature, of which there were thirty-three. Without reading the story, I reworked all the lines, in order, into the poem you see here now.
I’m not sure how successful it is and I’m off to read the story now, wondering how similar it might be to what I came up with.
I’ll try this again but perhaps be a bit more selective with the extracted phrases, as this poem is way longer than anything I would normally write.
The following is a letter from December 31st, 2024, delivered today from the past
Dear FutureMe,
It’s December 31st 2024. Just another day as far as I feel. I’ve not invested much into important dates. So long as I remember Hayden’s birthday, Amy’s birthday and our wedding anniversary, that’s pretty much all I need for dates.
Of course, circumstances also dictate I must go to Thai immigration every 90 days and renew my visa every year. Boring but important duties.
Tomorrow I have to collect a stool sample and then on Jan 2nd, I go and do a health check at the hospital. In general, I’ve been feeling the best and healthiest that I have since I was a teenager (physically, at least). My problems all seem to be ‘old man’ related and I am a little bit concerned about my prostate, hence the need for a health check.
I’ve managed to keep posting a poem every day on my blog and feel that my writing has improved a little. I’ve also managed to keep an online diary every day that will get posted to the blog at some point. This is mostly interesting to me, to look back and reflect on how I’ve changed.
At this stage, I anticipate continuing with this writing as it keeps me grounded and also tests my abilities.
I’m still enjoying school and teaching – maybe too much! I guess I’m comfortable with everything and sometimes that reminds me that I may be taking things for granted.
It is also a little exhausting and doesn’t leave me with much energy and enthusiasm for other things. I am quite easily satisfied with my life but also have to remember that Amy is here and we could be doing things together. These days I let her take the lead as she is more aware of things happening around that we could go to together. I don’t really know about new restaurants or interesting events to check out. I’m just not looking around in those circles. I know that I’m a little wrapped up in myself and, as mentioned above, don’t want to take things for granted.
Tonight we will go to Mum and Dad’s for a NYE dinner, though I hope that we don’t end up staying until midnight. Amy’s brother has moved back from Bangkok now and Amy and I are both preparing our minds for the family dramas that this might bring.
I think that I will write another letter here after I get my health check results. Let’s see where life takes me.
Where went the black dog growling darkness draggin bones through the dirt as grim reminders, chewed and spat out?
Where now, all the tears that tasted sweet in their sourness? None would ever know the delicious ache of kneeling on broken glass.
Where are the hands that suffocated throughout the night, to silence the dreams of the missing, the dead?
Where is the pain that stabbed the hearts of youth and beauty emptying complications out into the world?
Where is the silence that numbed the tortures expecting execution, the void of sound; stark streetlights in a nothing-nowhere town.
Where did all those nightmares go running once the heart had been found?
Where did this nostalgia form for the hells that made the man?
Shared with dVerse MTB Ubi sunt. As I read some other poems submitted for this prompt, I felt that there was too much sad nostalgia for the past (which is pretty much the remit of the prompt, I know), but I wanted to try and turn it around. My youth was often filled with depression and darkness, something which, with the help of medication and age, occurs less often these days.
Yet why do I sometimes miss that darkness that I struggled through, that made me who I am today?
Stanzas 1 and 2 are non-specific but stanza 3 references my father, who died when I was 18 months old and so I never knew him. At age 4, the idea of death hit me so hard that I cried myself to sleep one night. Stanza 4 references getting tattooed and pierced and revelling in the pain. Stanza 5 is specifically about a time in my bedroom, high on amphetamines, looking out across the grim spectacle of suburbia at 3 am, unable to sleep. The title I know from a line in a song (though I forget which) that I often listened to in my youth but I think originated from during or post-WWII.
As the summer days came by, drifting, my demeanour grew more uplifting; I took to sitting upon the sill, to occupy the sunshine’s gifting.
Long gone the air of old winter’s chill, April showers and softening still; the harshness of all those darkest nights; open the window to dog days thrill.
Ever changing, yet familiar sights, somehow, the world now set to rights, Lee and Nancy, with their velvet song, saw me shine under the bright stage lights.
The future mine, I could do no wrong; angels of innocence kept me strong; yet now, the window, open too long, the chill returns, and my hope all gone.
Nancy her deep blue eyes watch me from the cover first stirrings of teenage dreaming beauty
During the summer, when I was 11 or 12, I would sit on the sill of my bedroom window with the window open to the birds and my imagination. I would imagine that I was the next Lee Hazlewood singing along to the whole of the Lee and Nancy album and hoping that I would be talent-spotted by any random passerby, of which there were very few as I lived in a remote countryside village. Not helped by the fact that I would duck away in shyness if anyone ever did come by! I was also a terrible singer.
I remember this album cover clearly and was sure that Nancy Sinatra had blue eyes! I can still see it in my mind!
Did I just write a seasonal poem, too? I may have to kill myself.
Minnesota Pocket Circuit, aka M.P.C, is a hyper energetic midwest emo band with huge screamo influence. Embrace the Twinkly guitar riffs, highly energetic drums, and silly goofy depressing vocals and lyrics!
Split release between Desperate Infant Records in Hong Kong and tenzenmen in Thailand.
Through perseverance Resistance to adversity Is the thought the death of me? A symptom of melancholy
Is the place of setting down The same place that I began The rocks remain the same Yet I feel a different man
A picture in sepia tone Each life adding to the play To improve or enjoy How shall I plan the day?
Waking to the sunlit welcome Why the yearning for old home? The journey wasn’t just mine Until I found myself alone
Inspired by this quote from Daniel Z. Lieberman, on balancing ambition and contentment. “I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
More reasonable today though still not breathing properly and have itchy tired eyes.
I slept for almost 12 hours though it wasn’t all good sleep but I was happy to at least have the opportunity anyway. Getting up late meant that the day disappeared fairly quickly.
After coffee, I came back and watched some videos before a delicious experimental lunch that Amy made of roasted vegetable lasagna but instead of lasagna sheets using soft tortillas instead.
Then some more 3 Body Problem, more videos (I didn’t move much today!) then I made it to my room to play guitar but I wasn’t quite in the mood but still managed about 25 minutes. My room is super hot in the afternoons now and I need to go there and play guitar in the mornings when my brain feels more alert!
I’m also reminded that I need to get back to my Thaipod101 lessons now that I have some free time again.
And also I want to do some study around active listening. I figure that after 56 years on earth, I might actually start listening to what other people have to say! Of course, I may find out the opposite too.
Today I’m grateful for:
The cowman from a couple of doors down.
This evening I was about to go out and close the gate and noticed something black on the grass. On closer inspection, it was cow shit! When did that get there! We were out in the garden in the afternoon and it wasn’t there then.
I grabbed a torch and walked around the garden just to check that whatever visitors we had had gone before going to close the gate. When I got to the gate it was already shut. I figured that a cow must’ve come in and the cowman found it, chased it back out and closed the gate behind him.
The mystery was soon confirmed by our CCTV system – a mum and calf with the cowman chasing them out!
The best thing about today was:
Amy’s lunch and then in the evening, Amy’s delicious peach crumble with chocolate ice cream. What a lucky guy I am. Or was I just smart enough to pick the best person for me to marry?
Something I learned today?
Last year in the world happiness index, China was number 1, followed by Saudi Arabia and then the Netherlands. In this year’s report neither China nor Saudi Arabia were in the top 30. That’s strange! It turns out that even though their data was collected it wasn’t used in the final report meaning a white Western nation (The Netherlands) is the happiest in the world. At least, if you cherry-pick the data to your agenda.
Also, whilst watching the Netflix 3 Body Problem it seemed fairly obvious to me that the ‘China Bad’ narrative was highlighted intentionally. It followed the book in that it was a Chinese woman who made contact with the aliens but as the rest of the series wasn’t set in China, as most of the book was, it bluntly exposes Western audiences to a message of ’look what the terrible Chinese did.’ Sigh.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sent more messages out to students about their holidays. Checking in with them.
Paen sent me another message out of the blue talking about ending her life again. I wrote back quickly but still haven’t had an answer. I just sent her another encouraging message. I hope she’s ok.
I took this picture when closing the gate a couple of nights ago. Is this a blood moon or air pollution?
There’s a honey latte running through her head So sweet and milky, her memory a thread Not knowing the day, she ventures to the city Things she thought she knew shined so pretty
Alone, together, the hands are like ghosts Long gone now, sailed to separate coasts Eyeing the barista, nails polished black A laptop hipster, personified slack
She’s a wanna-be adult, yet still sixteen Smart and serious but remains unseen Loving the self-loathing, when will she arrive? Only when she realises she’s always been alive
Wishing for the future and suddenly it’s gone Standing in the middle of what she wanted for so long Nothing left to prove, no longer the impostor Discounted all the time that getting here cost her
Here’s to the memory, the empty honey cup Close the cafe door, breathe til she’s full up Treading familiar sidewalks always reveals the change Yesterday, today and tomorrow always seem so strange
A little tired with a headache and cough again. I didn’t sleep well due to discomfort in my shoulders. I woke up and exercised and felt good for that but my eyes are aching again.
I wondered if part of the problem was connected to the air quality so I checked on the AirVisual app and saw that the quality is already poor and approaching dangerous. Amy has also suddenly got her cough and runny nose back. We will put the air filter in the bedroom tonight.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to get paid a little money this month at least. Nancy has figured out some trickery so that I won’t starve just yet.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that all classes are reduced to 50 minutes for December as kids go off for sports practice at the end of each day. There are also three days off this month. Great.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I got to House I was hanging for coffee but Gui’s machine was broken. I stayed a while doing some lesson checking and planning but couldn’t wait in the end and went around to Hobby coffee and I don’t know if it was just the wait but the first cup I got there tasted of delicious honey. I took a second cup back to school and carried on planning.
Something I learned today?
My old student Fah, who was always a bit of a handful but I was drawn to her because she reminded me of me when I was her age, got kicked out of school last semester due to lack of attendance, work, care etc. I wondered why I hadn’t seen her for a while.
Apparently, she has become even worse since, though she is supposed to be studying at another school.
I think she felt an affinity with me, maybe because I never gave her too much of a hard time and encouraged her more than berated her, every time she saw me, without fail she would give me a big hug.
I hope she makes it out there.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sent Nong Fah (Sonsawan) an encouraging message to keep going with English in the future, using Amy’s story as evidence.
I helped fix many students’ microphone access so that they could read my work today. I’ve managed to figure out on most phones how to change the setting’s language to English and from there allow them microphone access.
When one of my students accidentally mixed up their words today and asked me if I was studying instead of if I was teaching, I told them ‘Yes, I’m always learning!’
I finally got to congratulate Funfai in person and she is very proud of herself for winning four trophies.
Despite being tired and wanting to get home I stayed and played Uno with Kru Ren, Jet, Noah, Lin and Mai after my class had finished and somehow the kids conspired to make sure that the teachers didn’t win. It was a lot of fun.
I gave my last candies to two of my laziest students, trying to buy their attention for our next class!
Rista asked if we could make Christmas cards in our class again like we did last year. Well, I don’t see why not?
I took this picture because as Tonaor and Nicha were on their way to their next class they suddenly shouted out ‘selfie’ and this was the result. I’d forgotten about it until now.
I still want a bowl of ice cream for breakfast To burst my pimples onto the mirror My floor will forever be my wardrobe And three-day-old socks may get one more chance I love the delicious pain of peeling scabs To reveal the gloop of the human inside Doodling nonsense when time drags its hands A daydream may be the best part of today
Sniffs of cigarettes and beer Deny both my health and wealth I laugh at the cars racing by With fist shaken out of the window I’ll happily kick a stone along the road And score the winning goal for my team This tree was made to climb And my feet to cushion the jump
Racing a friend for no reason All rules are there to be broken
Today I’m feeling:
Happy to have arrived at Friday. I feel better this week than last. Hopefully, all this exercising is providing me with a little more stamina each week.
Having said that I’m expecting to enjoy a sleep-in tomorrow morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
The candy that has been in my kitchen for about six months. It’s not that I don’t like it but just haven’t thought about eating it recently.
As I had run out of candy that I usually kept in the car earlier this week, some of my students were left disappointed when I had none to give them so I grabbed a handful from the kitchen this morning. The students were happy to receive a treat as they were waiting in line to get a vaccination before classes started. Some students used this as an excuse to go home early (the vaccination, not the candy!).
The best thing about today was:
Talking one one-on-one with some of my grade 7 students again, like I did last year. It’s always revealing to get little snippets of what they really think, especially about each other. It’s also easier to give them individual encouragement.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The thing I complained about yesterday with one class not helping themselves was repeated again with another class today. So maybe the fault is with me. I need to come up with a better way to get these kids focused and engaged. It’s a constant challenge.
Something I learned today?
There are still 80 million unexploded bombs in Laos, dropped by the USA after bombing raids in Vietnam. If their planes had bombs left on board it was safer (for the plane crew) to drop them rather than trying to land with them. The USA has never been held accountable, along with many other atrocities they have committed around the globe. What a despicable, fucked up country the USA is.
Who do I miss from my past?
Those that have died. Steve, my mum, Kimi.
I don’t feel like I miss anyone who is still alive as it is relatively easy to contact just about anyone. This connects with yesterday’s prompt about taking things for granted though. One day these people will die and I may regret not contacting them when I had the chance.
I miss the feelings I had with certain people as certain times in past. I cherish the emotions and the meaning of those times more than the idea of talking to the particular people involved again.
I’m not sure who took this picture because I left my phone at my side whilst I was concentrating on listening to another student reading and just now found this picture, the only one taken today.
We don’t dream, we don’t ask for much We live next door to our best friends There’s nothing the community doesn’t touch We’re twenty years behind the trends
God gave us this blessing to enjoy And thanks must be given by our deeds The twisted roots may often annoy But among them are nurtured the seeds
Marrying a best friend’s brother Swelling further our congregation Expelling all that worships the other And questions their role and station
We’re white, right and pious Our satisfaction is easily met Nothing evil will get by us In God’s way, we’ve all been set
A little bit more upbeat than yesterday, thankfully. I feel like I’m going to succumb to an afternoon nap right now though (at 1 p.m.). (Later) Somehow I managed to stay awake and I’m pretty happy about that. I should sleep okay tonight. I feel a little lazy and uninspired but also very comfortable in my lovely home.
Today I’m grateful for:
The salad seller at the market. I bought two, one with 3 small prawns and another with avocado. I mixed them both up along with sesame seeds and a packet of English Cheddar chips that I’d bought a stack of from Makro. Stirred through with two blasts of creamy salad dressing that made for a fine-filling fancy.
The best thing about today was:
Getting back into the guitar lessons on my app. Since I bought premium access more than a year ago it allowed me to play any song on the app which I’d been doing. I figured I was pretty much stuck on the lessons too but I have steadily improved enough to give them a good go. Slowly slowly.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Both our bathroom sinks are leaking again and I was hoping Amy’s mum’s plumber could come and sort them out but they advised me to figure out all the different things that needed doing in the house so he could come and do it all in one go rather than back and forth, which makes sense but also means no one will come until Amy is back and has checked everything that she wants done.
In the meantime, I took apart and cleaned all the pipes under my sink and shoved it all back tightly together but it needs proper sealing at the wall.
Something I learned today?
Messaging Aing today to see if she could come up from Bangkok to visit later this month she told me of her struggles since she has been back there. All her hopes and dreams have been shattered through no real fault of her own though she probably realises that she would have been better off saying no to certain things at some point. She wants to come back to Chiang Rai and I hope she can find a way in the future.
What have I been savouring lately?
Mostly writing and updating this blog. Every old entry I add feels like a ticking off of a box of the longest-ever to-do list. I’m adding diary and poetry entries from 1984 and it’s triggering lots of things. Currently, there is also a big gap of entries from around 1997 until 2004 which doesn’t have much written down but sure played a big part in my life. A time when I was living and loving with a lot less thinking.
I took this picture because for a while I couldn’t find Tigger. Sometime during the afternoon I went to sit at my computer and found his fat butt poking from behind the screen. I’ve never seen him up here before. What are you doing fat cat?
1994ever 