Under the waterline Is where dignity remains Invisible to others The pleasure and the pains
Behind the smile Is where the psyche trains Inside the mind Words to the self explains
Not all thunder Brings along the rains Under the waterline Are made the unseen gains
Today I’m feeling:
Slept well last night and feel ok today though not particularly motivated. I’m hoping that will return next week when the kids are back at school.
Today I’m grateful for:
7-11 food. Although I’m a little negative about 7-11 because there are way too many stores nearby I’m glad that they at least give me an alternative for a quick microwave meal that can stave off my hunger.
The best thing about today was:
Dropping by to see Bruno and Nut and being offered lunch. It was good to catch up with them though they were hungover from a long day of drinking yesterday. They were feeling a bit slow and I didn’t really have much to update them with so I didn’t stay for too long. It made me realise that I’m not used to communicating after five weeks being mostly at home by myself. I know my mood will lift once I see my students again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
On Telegram today I got a notification that my old colleague at the cafe in Woolworths, Joy had just joined so I sent a message saying hello. I got a reply but it seems like it’s not her and I got an angry message asking if I was a scammer. It got me thinking that we have years and years of old contact numbers kept in our phones and computers that many people will have gotten new numbers and then after a few years those old numbers get recycled. What feels like a strange world that we live in will just feel normal to the younger generations and then one day they will get to feel like this too.
Something I learned today
I started with the Thai app again mainly just to busy my brain. I also want to try and do a little more meditation again so registered again with Smiling Mind.
What is something I wish I had known when I was younger?
Everything, obviously. There’s no point wishing for something that can’t happen.
This is my cartoon face. Or more precisely, a younger me’s cartoon face. I’ll do a current one soon.
Fairly positive, and cared about yet still with a nagging cold in my psyche.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Nut and Nong Fon for making and giving me food today. Nut made a delicious cheese, cream cheese and spinach bake along with some banana cake, yoghurt and more jam. Fon made her best sourdough bread yet and was delicious, toasted with cream cheese.
The best thing about today was:
I felt quite blissful as I was talking with Amy whilst sitting outside. I could smell food cooking coming from somewhere instead of smoky air for a change. The trapped heat in the house was not present outside with a comfortable cosy feeling of warmth. Another day has passed quickly with the feeling of little achievement though relative satisfaction. I have to remind myself that this is what life is. I don’t need to be jumping out of aeroplanes or be popular to know that I am alive.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I still haven’t got back any enthusiasm for listening to music. Apart from playing guitar a few times I haven’t purposely listened to any music this month. I know music can take me away but it can also bring focus right inside my head and I still feel like I want my senses dulled. I’m still in some kind of mourning. I’m getting used to Kim not bring around now and it even feels like she never existed, like she was a dream. That’s sad but maybe my way of coping. Where does the love go that you gave? It feels like it just evaporated.
Something I learned today?
Robotaxis have been given the go-ahead in Beijing. It would be weird to be in a car with no driver but still have a steering wheel and watch it moving. Why not just get rid of the wheel too? Anyway, the future is here. Where is it going? By the time you read this, you’ll be able to tell me.
What am I looking forward to this week?
I’m looking forward to having finished sorting out the hundreds of vocabulary cards that I started making last month. I’m enjoying the process of putting them in order after they all got mixed up during the process of making them. It’s one of those huge tasks that I enjoy as I watch it slowly get easier as it nears completion.
I took this picture yesterday because I like leaving these little models around amongst our little plants around the entertainment area.
Keep blowing, the wind Blow away the aches Blow away the pain Of all of my mistakes
Keep blowing and skronking Blow in the chance To fill the empty spaces With a feverful dance
Today I’m feeling:
Better today but still flat and unenthused. I was able to write out some words, write a lesson plan and bash about on guitar. This all helped a little.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Nut bringing me a bag of food for which I’m very appreciative. Check the picture for one item plus bagels, yoghurt and dried mango. I also felt a little better after our brief interaction so I’m glad she came to visit.
The best thing about today was:
Just feeling a little better in general. Little Kim is still on my mind particularly as it was this time last week I took her to the vet. Though I miss her I’m starting to feel happy when I think about her now.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Tigger sat his fat body in amongst the stacks of flashcards that I’d been sorting through. Miraculously he was delicate enough getting up again that he didn’t disturb them. I have to finish sorting them out and packed away before he sits on them again or worse still, sprays on them.
Something I learned today?
I watched a video summarising The Infinite Jest and it reminded me how awesome it was to read and made me feel like reading it again but…. there are a couple of hundred other books begging me not to!
What are three qualities I appreciate about myself?
Perseverance, ability to be alone, caring.
Perseverance because I have learned to just keep going. I’ve learned the things that I am unable to do but if there is something I do but do not do well or easily then I will keep trying. Some of these things I get better at and others I just keep doing them. I used to give up a lot when I was young. Somehow along the way, I learned to enjoy the big challenges. I’m thinking about my first job working at an electrical wholesaler and we always had large quantities of different types of cable. Sometimes the reels would break and the cable would get into a terrible tangle. Everyone hated dealing with this, including me. But I would take the time and set myself the task to do the impossible and untangle it all, measure it and tidy it up. I got pleasure from the end result of this.
My ability to be alone is surely learned from being an only child to a single mum (after my father died before even knowing him). Even though there were always many people around in the places that I lived I knew I was alone and kept myself amused and entertained. Yes, I still don’t play well with others and never enjoy suffering their dramas but I’m at peace with myself this way. Sometimes I watch TV or videos and think how fun it would be to do this and that, to be surrounded by family, part of a gang, hanging with work colleagues etc but then I realise that that is not who I am. And that’s ok. I still feel all those things are possibilities that I may one day entertain and enjoy.
And caring. I know my personality has at times shown extremely uncaring attitudes but I have always felt an existential care for the disadvantaged and underdog. I tend to care more about those who are truly suffering than those who are complaining (knowing I can be just as much of a complainer). I am a utopian dreamer and believe it is a government’s role and duty to provide care for all its citizens. I am only marginally philanthropic. I donate money where I can but don’t often donate my time. I often think about it but never take it further. I care about my close family immensely and I care about my student’s welfare, some would say more than I should.
I took this picture because Nut made this food for me and it was tasty and much appreciated. Middle Eastern and/or Indian inspired.
You became the master of money And accumulated great wealth Became a master of muscles And maintaining physical health But that final puzzle piece Is still hidden as if by stealth Couldn’t master your mind Couldn’t master yourself
Happy and relaxed, waiting for the sun to drop so I can do some watering again. I’m hoping for an early rainy season again but I think this year may be long and dry, unfortunately.
Today I’m grateful for:
Manus at the post office for always being helpful and friendly and trying to help me remember the Thai word for ‘registered’.
The best thing about today was:
A long chat with Amy about different ideas and plans for the future.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I had just gotten on a roll with updating more blog entries when Fui came to House and we started talking. I’m never sure how long he will stay but I decided I had no hurry today and we ended up chatting for about 90 minutes. We often go over the same things but we learn a little more about each other each time. At points, I was keen to get back to what I was doing but I told myself to relax and enjoy this time.
Something I learned today?
You can buy a cock ring called the Tally Wacker that counts your thrusts when fucking. I’m not sure if it syncs with your health devices but maybe 100 thrusts equals a calorie?
What is one lesson I am learning right now?
We’ll have to generalise ‘right now’ a little because if taken literally all I’m learning is what I can remember from ‘around’ ‘right now’!
I’m learning a little how to relax and even be bored again. This week involves a lot of TV and reading, playing guitar and listening to music. Much like many other weeks but interspersed with even less teaching than usual.
It’s taken me a long time to learn to relax and in the back of my mind, I’m confident that when the time comes necessary I will be able to get right back on my game again.
I took this picture because I wanted a different angle to look at the garden. I like this mini bamboo plant that apparently cats like to eat. Not sure ours ever do though. The leafless frangipani has more focus than the other trees near it which are also now losing their leaves. The frangipanis are just starting to show leaves sprouting through now. You can also spy the tops of some of our cacti too.
It’s the 7th of February 2022 and I’m sitting in the cafe, Le Paradis, next door to CRPAO, where I am currently an English teacher. It’s scout week and us farang teachers have nothing to do for this whole week. I’ve decided to clock in, show my face and go home again unless anyone wants me to do anything.
I’m feeling pretty happy these days. Amy has been in Australia for a week now and has gotten herself a job already, which she will start in March, after travelling to Albury and Adelaide first to visit friends.
Tomorrow I will go to visit Bruno and Nut for dinner and on Sunday Aing and Now will come to stay for a few days, for Aing’s graduation ceremony. She will look around the area with the intention to start some sort of business here, which is great news. It will give us a local cat sitter that we can trust!
By the time you are reading this, it’s possible you are no longer working – that might even happen as early as the end of the semester in March. Whatever happens, it will be ok, though I’m enjoying having access to almost all my income for a change.
I am still thinking too much about George and the way he is treating me but I am slowly able to push it aside, made easier by just avoiding him at work. I don’t feel anything bad towards him. He obviously feels hurt by my actions towards him, which in my mind have been fairly minimal and understated. He seems to have a higher expectation and can’t deal with that not being met. At least that’s how see it, with the little that I managed to get out of him to try and find out his true feelings.
Everything I accuse him of, I can accuse myself. It doesn’t matter. We’re just not compatible but I don’t let that interfere with staying polite.
I have written many times about my ability to keep myself (my mind) occupied and I don’t easily succumb to loneliness. I would rather be alone than struggle to maintain a difficult friendship. Perhaps this is something that I will improve on in the future but I am happy with myself the way I am. Real, good friends will find their way to each other.
Do I want to tell you anything? Just keep going. You’ve done so well to get where you are now. This year is looking bright to me, right now, with so many possibilities. Some will happen, others will wait. I’ll go and make some music.
PS – look at your blog for this day in the past, over the years. Do you notice anything?
The man with the winning smile Wins a front-page reward His shiny teeth are squeaky clean But he speaks like a machine And everyone got bored
The man stands above the crowd Surveys the plebs around A swinging dick and shiny head But a nightly empty bed With no friends to be found
Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and chilled. Cancelled riding over to see Matt as I feel lazy and want to enjoy my home for another day. May go to Daytripper later but I thought that yesterday and ended up not getting there.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nut and Bruno again, this time bringing me food because they are going away for a week. A whole banoffee. I need to work these calories off!
The best thing about today was:
Walking in our driveway in the dark and looking at the clear night sky and the brightest nearest stars. I do this most nights and feel how inconsequential I am in the bigger scheme. I’m smaller than an ant. An atom or even less.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I had minimal interactions with people today and nothing went wrong at home. I have spent 95% of the day in my head where I had full (?) control. Maybe I couldn’t control my laziness today and I handled that with a delicious nap.
Something I learned today?
I learned that I can use ChatGPT to write lesson plans! But I will investigate more as I want to come up with more fun ideas for the classroom.
What are your top two favourite apps or websites?
Website is definitely Bandcamp as I use it to host promote and sell the tenzenmen catalogue. It’s easy to use as a seller and as a buyer and researcher.
As for an app, apart from this one (Day One) at the moment, it is probably Substack as it collects interesting newsletters for me to read when I’m free, rather than clogging up my inbox.
Art took this picture because he used it to post to Facebook to show Utopia is open. I don’t like myself in this picture though. I’d like to cut off my sagging chin!
The bathroom at House. I had to go into the city after drinking coffees and water at House and in the time from leaving to heading back school I was busting. I didn’t think I’d make it to school so quickly ducked back to use the bathroom at House – just in time!
The best thing about today was:
Eating the bread that Nut made and brought round yesterday along with the smoked salmon and cream cheese Amy left here. I’m so happy to have people around me to feed me!
Also talking with Amy on video call. Though she’s far away it feels like she’s right here. Conversation and communication hasn’t changed since she left, just the method.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I think it’s good that it’s getting harder to think of things that were out of my control. I don’t recognise those things so easily now as they don’t affect me, I’ve let go. Sure, there was lots that was out of my control today but it was all inconsequential. Can I say they were handled without even thinking?
Something I learned today?
Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken was written as a jest to his friend but has been turned, rightfully I think, into a call for individualism and taking chances. I like Frost’s quip ‘I’m never more serious than when I’m joking.’ Truth is often told in jest.
Where can you reduce clutter in your life?
Physically I’m relatively uncluttered these days. As I’ve gotten older, the spaces I’ve lived in have gotten bigger whilst I’ve been buying less. So the stuff I do have is just more spread out. Digitally I’m trying to reduce the clutter of my photos and music library. This has involved me doing nothing so far but knowing that this is where I can reduce clutter in my life.
I took this picture on Saturday because it’s all about the edges. Where the water meets the land, dividing it, where stories are made and bridges built. The mountains and the sky, clear division.
First full school day with no Amy. Back to business as usual.
Running around a little today getting together things for my work permit. So much paper waste in Thailand. 7 copies of every stamped passport page! Once this paper is filed it will never be seen again.
Good classes today, kids happy enough, teacher happy enough. I’m starting to sit back a little and can see some self-motivation from some of the students now.
Mum and Dad’s plumbing guy came and fixed up my pipe and it looks ok except for the hole in the concrete. I’ll have to figure out how to take care of it at some point I guess. Maybe just fill it with sand. Anyway, only around 600 baht to sort out. Happy with that.
Tangmo rolled around the grass as I caught up on watering.
Talked to Amy about the coming year and how things might work out. I think the seed has been planted to do something here but there are another 6-12 months for new ideas to pop up.
Unique DNA makes you What you are Primal inclinations Forces within Moved to action Mind grows A seed planted One time phenomenon
Inspired and borrowed from The Daily Laws by Robert Greene
Today I’m feeling:
Tired but happy and satisfied.
Today I’m grateful for:
The pizza oven at Bruno and Nut’s for quickly baking delicious pizza for me, Amy, mum and dad. Nut had prepared the dough and ingredients and we made our own pizza toppings. Bruno enjoyed talking with Amy’s dad and got us all invited to their home for a Chinese New Year celebration in a few weeks time.
The best thing about today was:
Seeing Tangmo and his friend running, playing and rolling around on our lawn as I was eating breakfast. It made me smile, these stupid crazy dogs having fun at our house. Just a few seconds later they were gone and I saw them running up the street in the distance.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The way I structured my last class of the day meant many students could take advantage and do as little work as they wanted but they needed to be ready when they were called. As it was the end of the day some students were keen to leave early and eventually when I called the next student they weren’t there, even though the class wasn’t over. I was a little disappointed but not surprised anymore. I was able to get some useful work out of maybe 60% of them and that would have to be as good as it was going to get. I need to think about a better way to keep the ‘free’ students occupied whilst I’m busy with others. I’m still a work in progress myself. Always learning.
Something I learned today?
Nut had prepared an Akha herb that I’d never tried before. It looked a little like a mini-sized mint and tasted a little like rocket with a hint of something which I’m not quite sure of. It was nice to munch on and add to the top of the pizza.
List three of your “greatest hits” from last year.
Greatest hits….? Hmm… In fact, a quick reflection doesn’t seem to generate any greatest hits particularly and I think that is a better place to be in. Having hits or highs would also mean having lows and I’d much prefer not to have those these days. But at a push…
Riding around the rice fields behind the airport was nice, especially at golden hour. I did a few trips there during the October holiday and really felt serene.
Another bike ride around the same time of year, this time with Bruno and across many mountains to the Burmese border and hanging out at a country school there.
Meeting, befriending and watching my new groups of students. Seeing them learn and grow even a little was very rewarding.
I took this picture because Fon brought her handmade cookies last night but I only saw them today. This is a great one of me from a picture taken just a couple of days ago. I bet I taste good too.
Amy and I went to Bruno and Nut’s for pizza dinner and Amy’s mum and dad joined too, Bruno’s invite. Despite being tired from lack of sleep I was in a good mood, even joking with Amy’s dad a little. It was quite noticeable to me that I felt different to usual and I couldn’t be too sure why?
It was a lively evening of talk, Bruno and I talking a little about European politics which I really don’t know so much about. I felt it was nice to be away from all that where we can just casually chat about things that don’t affect us directly like they used to.
Dog tired at home and into bed and wonderful vivid dreams, I woke up to pee at one point, happy knowing that I could enjoy some more lucid dreaming again before falling back into a deeper sleep. That’s one way to be positive about broken sleep I suppose!
Tonight is Amy’s last night here before heading back to Australia and I likely won’t see her again for six months. I’ll miss her but we are both happy and love each other. Time is nothing.
Always thinking about the next life As if that will be the roses you expect Forget the work, turn down the effort It’s an internal rejection that you accept
There are moments when one has to choose between living one’s own life, fully, entirely, or dragging out some false, shallow degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands.
Oscar Wilde
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have a nice early dinner of special food at Amy’s parents, joined by Takky, Nut and Bruno. It was a pleasant evening with lots of chat.
Words are written to fan the flames Generate outrage with magic games Knowing nothing except the names Of all those whom the writer blames Propaganda pushed to every screen Harmony must remain a dream The devil, front and centre, seen More dangerous than it’s ever been Heroes forever dashing hopes Innocents on hanging ropes Testing how its society copes Forever sliding down slippery slopes
*Inspired by and title appropriated from Caitlin Johnstone
What are you going to believe, the facts or your eyes?
Ronald Reagan official
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for this mango jam that Amy’s mum made and the bagel that Nong Nut made.
1994ever 