A familiar face Staying still is sleeping – moving is falling Keep walking diligently I FREAKING HATE YOU !! ”Shaved head ghost“ Each meal, each day – leak, brother The song has to come, brother
These words are not mine but are arranged by me. These were posts translated from Thai after the politician Prawit Wongsuwan pushed a female journalist in the head after she asked him a question. The translations are poetic to me. The title is connected with a disgraced (?) police chief whose nickname is Big Joke and ‘Brother’ indicates the relationship between such elites.
Dog tired last night and still struggled to get to sleep but once I did I was gone!
I woke up before my alarm but couldn’t get up when the alarm went off and reset to give an extra 20 minutes of dozing.
Not feeling too bad with my first coffee but have two busy days ahead.
Today I’m grateful for:
The pharmacist being available at Big C when I got there today. Last week when I tried they told me that there would be no one there until 5pm.
The best thing about today was:
Bumping into my old grade 9 student Sheena as I was about to leave school. I asked if she was happy now that I was no longer teaching her class and she said that everyone was complaining that they were missing me.
That was nice to hear and for sure, I connected with all those students really well but they drove me crazy at the time. I hope that I have some good influence over them.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Some of the classrooms that I’m teaching in test my patience with various bits and pieces of equipment missing but I just have to take it easy and not get ruffled by it. Everything can be overcome.
Something I learned today?
I watched an interesting interview with LA-based Chinese comedian Jiaoying Summers and it was great to see a strong woman taking control of her life and destiny against a lot of odds.
What part of my daily routine do I look forward to the most?
Most workdays I look forward to exercising in the morning.
With my drive to try and write a poem or day (or more), I also look forward to spending time reading, thinking and writing.
At the end of the day, I kinda look forward to writing this journal but some days are a struggle. With enough time I can usually answer all the questions but often I’m out of energy and need to go to bed.
I took this picture because I was kinda shocked to see a full moon tonight. I’ve been used to seeing the moon regularly when I go to close our gate and usually have some idea what stage it is at.
A bit more active than yesterday. I think the pleasure of the cannabutter is giving me good long sleep but also still affecting me the following day so I’m going to lay off it for now. It’s effect is very mild and pleasureable but if it makes me groggy for the whole of the next day then it’s not worth it.
Today I’m grateful for:
My own understanding of my body and brain. Today has been completely drug free except my anti-depressant and whilst it’s not been a fun day to speak of it’s passed by pleasantly enough. I can feel my muscles and joints recovering slowly and hopefully they are primed to get me going again in the morning.
The best thing about today was:
Finally watching Come And See. I feel like I don’t have the attention span for movies sometimes but then realise I can sit through hours of podcasts or TV series. I knew this movie wasn’t going to be any kind of rom-com but the mood kind of reflected my day and it’s message and purpose were clear to me. It showed the trauma and atrocity of war and was a struggle to watch but I’m glad I did. I might have to sit back with something comedic tonight to balance it out.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The weekend has been a bit of a write-off, no writing, little reading, no workout and no guitar. I’m not worried about it at all as I know I need downtime. It’s just sometimes I feel like kicking myself when it feels like I’m wasting time.
I’ll be back on it tomorrow though. Morning exercise then off for coffees. Then I have an 11.30 appointment with Kru Hin to learn how do our grades in the online system, my one class at 1.30, then off up to the hospital to get more sertraline and back to play guitar and watch the last Swans AFL of the regular season.
Something I learned today?
One of my grade 7 students was proud to send me pictures of himself running in a 5km through the city today, similar to one that Amy and I did a few years ago. It’s nice to feel that he wants to show his teacher this. He was one of the kids I kicked out of class a couple of weeks ago so there is an element of sucking up involved but I know he’s a good kid, just being a teenager.
If I could live anywhere in the world, where would that be?
I’d like to live anywhere that is safe and stable. I’ve found living somewhere where I don’t fully understand the language has been helpful as I don’t get fully sucked into the vortex of shit-talking that people find so enjoyable. No matter how much I tried to avoid the corruption of politicians in the UK and Australia I always would get back into it. It was a waste of my time. I know things are even worse here in Thailand but I don’t have to think about it or be involved with it.
I can still see myself living in the UK or Australia though I don’t think it would be for extended periods. Otherwise, I think I can live anywhere, as I said, so long as it is safe. Water, electricity and internet preferred.
I took this picture by accident when I was talking on a video call with Amy. She was busy running around cleaning Lewis’s poop at the time, just as I was about to feed our cats (action shot in the top corner). This is how Amy and I have communicated for the past two years and I’m glad of the technology that makes it possible.
Now living in a generation of hope This is a world in which to move up One where all the collected spoils Can be shared from the same cup
The test of the promises made Will be seen when faced with the burden Where the whisper will turn to cries Yet claimed that none ever heard them
Today I’m feeling:
Reasonably upbeat and positive after doing half an ab workout this morning and then coming home early to enjoy the rest of the day. Tigger spent about three hours sleeping next to me on the sofa where Cap usually sleeps.
Today I’m grateful for:
My old students Porpieng and Baitong telling me about their new school, Tessaban 6. I was pleased to know that they are not allowed phones during the day and also have to do homework. I think they will both benefit from a bit of a tougher atmosphere in school though they are not particularly thrilled about the change right now. I have high hopes for these two students as they stood out to me in my classes.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling inspired enough to check out some more Thai learning apps and sitting and doing some study and revision. I’ll get back into the habit again so I can try and communicate more.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
This morning I got up as usual and did everything as normal. As I was driving to school I noticed that another school I drive past was closed today. That was weird. Then I noticed that traffic was much better today too. And as I got closer to my school it became obvious that it was a holiday today but no one had told me. There was also nothing in my online calendar about any public holiday either. Well I just tuned right around and drove back straight to Utopia and enjoyed a couple of coffees there. Never mind the wasted petrol, here we are already with a day off after only two days back at school. Take what you can get.
Something I learned today?
I guess I learned (a little too late) that today is the Royal Ploughing Ceremony holiday and that the schools shut because of this.
What impact do I hope to make in the world?
Bereft of youthful idealism I hope that I can encourage some of my students to push themselves to make better futures for themselves. Perhaps this is elderly idealism. At least I still cling to an ideal.
I took this picture because Tig enjoys my book in a different way than me! He came for cuddles and rubs and ended up staying.
The art of politics, a war of words No value holds except for action’s result The game of life, power and influence Made all the more difficult By clowns with big wallets flashing Of which the ignored must choose Checks and balances, no winners The plan is just not to lose
I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.
Hunter S Thompson
Today I’m feeling: Fairly happy, minorly frustrated. Today I’m grateful for: The word search maker website that, with a small amount of prep, helped keep my kids occupied for half an hour or so. Once I realised that they could play online I let the kids keep their phones and off they went, relatively quiet and interested. The best thing about today was: Good caffeine hits at House in the morning, getting a bit more blogging out of the way and quickly preparing some work for one of the classes tomorrow. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? If it’s a school day these entries will probably revolve around class situations! Today I got tired of some students being over playful, mocking or disruptive in both my classes so I sent them out. I’ve contacted their homeroom teachers and advised them that this will be how I handle this in the future. I will talk with the students and make sure they understand too. I almost lost it at one point but managed to keep my annoyance in check, helped by the fact I was in a reasonably good mood. When are you most at peace? In the lucid dreaming stage of sleep. I love that feeling even if details are forgotten on waking the memory endures. Most other times I feel I am at war, so that even that becomes a sort of peace, in its numbing inevitability. I am at peace on a plane. I have ceded all control over my life, may as well relax.
I took this picture because suddenly the sun appeared after a small storm, just as it was setting. The last light, gone from me for another day.
I cannot close my eyes to the injustices I see; unable to make a difference, it’s just frustrating me.
Whilst others suffer, happiness is an illusion; I can’t wrap my head around this disappointing conclusion.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the availability of almost any book I desire to read. If I can’t buy a physical book I can usually find a digital copy.
Reading ‘The King Never Smiles’ is a saddening experience. Each night, I read about 10 pages, and I am enlightened more and more about the reality for Thai people. They have been totally manipulated and tricked into submission – not even submission – it’s like Stockholm Syndrome.
They have learned to love their captor. Every protest and uprising in the last 100 years has amounted to exactly the same thing – a useless government hamstrung by palace politics and corruption. Governments can barely last a few years, sometimes not even making it to their first day. It’s so frustrating that it makes one wish for private fighter jets to go and eliminate evil.
Whilst mine and Amy’s lives here are beyond comfortable, we are struggling through empathy for the rest of the population, deluded and ignorant or not. When Amy says she wants to leave, I can’t help but feel it is a case of wanting to stick one’s head in the sand. If it can’t be seen, then it has no effect.
Unfortunately for me, I have always felt empathy for people around the world suffering in this way, no matter where I reside. I have been, and still do, enjoy my time here, and the suffering I see for the people here doesn’t lessen my concern for those suffering in Brazil or the USA, anywhere else.
With the rules and laws here, though, trying to fight back against them is very dangerous if you live here. The ones desiring radical change are forced overseas to speak their mind and often lose the local population’s confidence by being abroad. A catch-22 easily exploited by the powerful. It’s sickening and saddening and pushes one to the dark corners of nihilism.
There seems little hope for humanity despite these comparatively good times we live through.
Thailand reminds me of the free festivals I attended occasionally in the UK in the mid to late 80s. There’s a chaotic order and unspoken civility but one that borders on the edge of disintegration at all times. Whilst everything goes well for everyone concerned things go on as usual. But things don’t always remain that way and then will be the true test of one’s mettle. Sometimes the rush of blood from my head, as I stand up too quick, reminds me of that wafer-thin barrier between reality and insanity.
At the moment, Thailand is far more beautiful at night, when the rough edges are hidden in darkness. The smoky haze of the day’s white skies now unseen, along with the mosquitoes that suck on your sweaty ankles.
The days are full of dust and dirt. Individual abodes may gleam and glitter powered by personal responsibility but the bits in between are left to rot and ruin. Construction is everywhere, as in all developing countries, ignorant of the political decisions made in far-off lands. I try not to keep up with the news of the world but the stupidity of the American presidency is hard to ignore, like a train wreck in super slow motion. I know enough about Thai politics to not talk about it. I am the stranger in the strange land and that suits me fine.
Politics…..
We avoided any house stresses by taking a quick trip to Chiang Mai. This was its own small test of my driving skills. Whilst puttering around the city of Chiang Rai is a pleasant enough affair, the open road, full of its mountainous twists and turns, is a different beast altogether.
Tail-gaters desperately seek advantage and pull out at any opportunity and decide they will ‘go for it’ if there is even an inch of space. All this at high speeds that even had me bemused at how fast I was going. Amy and I whooped and hollered at one particular basket case who we hoped to see crash in a fiery ball of petrol and oil but instead, everyone acquiesced and moved aside and let the danger advance to be somebody else’s problem.
Settling into the drive, it is quite a pleasant trip through some nice forest and jungle, offering some nice views when you may afford a brief glance away from the road. After three hours though I was happy at the approach of Chiang Mai.
The city has grown considerably since my first visit and I must confess my dislike of it now. It sprawls and crawls, taking its dusty entrails out into the paddy fields, eating up new villages as it goes. We were lucky enough to be heading out into those edges though, to meet our friends from Sydney past.
Jess is one of Amy’s best friends and she was staying with her aunt and cousin. It took us a long while to find the location but once there it was an oasis of frangipanis and beautifully cut grass. A big main house and steps leading to what was until recently a small and very popular restaurant. So popular in fact that Jess’s aunt was on TV just a few days previously talking about the construction and design.
Two dogs, one in its autumn years, the other a bouncy teenager, sniffed at us and the younger one was warned not to get too excited. Aunt Siripan advised that sometimes he can get aggressive for no reason as I would discover several times through the evening. Though he never bit he would snarl and bark, teethed bared and scarily so. But a few seconds later he would be calm and look up at me with a sorrowful face. It was shocking and amazing to see. One second I was expecting a bleeding arm and the next I’m in love with this pup’s dopey eyes and soon after scratching his belly again, prompted by a paw offering.
Auntie’s food was amazing as expected. She had spent a fair amount of time in different parts of the world, including England, even speaking with a stronger English accent than myself. She spoke a very deliberate and thoughtful Queen’s English which was impossible not to like. We were regaled with stories of her life and past times, though saddened by the sudden death of her husband last year, which eventually saw her overwhelmed with the task of running a successful restaurant solo.
She was now reviewing her plans for the future but still in obvious mourning for that close comfort and steady hand of guidance of a partner. She commented that if she died now she would die happy with her life as it was but I encouraged her to consider that if she lives until she is 100 she still has another third of her life ahead of her.
Our evening was enjoyed with other Sydney friends, all now scattered worldwide, Lekky and Steve and Lena. We were so happy with our time there that inevitably Jess was asking us to leave as she was tired and wanted to go to bed. Jess is the bright shiny smile as she awaits food, but once filled just wants to slip away and retire.
We cheered everyone off as Amy and I headed over a suburb or two to stay with her old high school friend Oh, around midnight. Amy wasn’t quite done for the night though and got Oh to ride to the 7-11 to get more alcohol. So it was at 2am we finally go to bed with plans for a late meet up with Jess and her dad the following morning.
That done, we headed back over the mountains for the quick return journey. Exhausted I was by the day’s end but finished off nicely with a full and fancy dinner with an ice cold beer.
So it was for the next couple of days, us totally escaping the realities of our house build, a mini-holiday, a quick trip via a tea plantation into Myanmar, to get me a new leave-by-date in my passport and to score ridiculously cheap malt whisky that I just hope is real when I get to open it in our new house…..one day!
Originally printed in the May edition of the STE Bulletin
Sat on a train station in the middle of nowhere, with the sun beaming down from a beautiful blue cloudless (+ ozone-less) sky. What better place to sit + philosophise in these moments spent waiting for the train.
For those who are interested + I know some of you are, Bronwyn + I got ourselves married on March 5th, a beautiful ceremony amongst some of our beautiful friends (we only wished that more of you could come over to share the experience with us because we miss you all greatly).
It was so cool to have an English ambassador over, that’s Mr Rob Callen (of S.T.E. fame) with all the news + gossip we’ve been missing out on since we left. We had several great lengthy discussions, just like we hadn’t seen each other for a week or so + needed to catch up (+ we caught up pretty quickly thankfully, as time was short – time is always too short when you stop + think about it).
Rob coped really well with all the people that he had to meet + this is something that I’d like to comment on. A lot of my new friends + relations have mentioned to Bronwyn just how well I’m coping with this glut of new people. I guess it could be an overwhelming experience for some people + easy to hide away in your own little world + think that it would be easier to deal with it later + then hope the time never comes.
Now I have to say that I’ve met lots of people here, whose ideas + politics do not correspond to mine + probably the main area of possible contention is with religious ideals. A lot of people I have met (now friends + relations) are involved in their churches in one way or another + are in themselves, deeply religious. I guess this is where things have been easier for me, in that no one is preaching or attempting to convert me. This has meant that there has been no contention to speak of, despite the possibility of it. This has led me to understand that people, even people that I don’t agree with, are basically human.
For instance, while Rob was over here, we found several things that we didn’t agree on. Does this mean that I should shun him + refuse to have him as a friend? How narrow my view of the world would become – missing out on all those great ideas (no matter how ludicrous!). So why should I shun a person, a human being, for their beliefs + ideas, even if they weren’t already a friend to me – that possibility will always exist if I choose to keep my mind open. After all, I have a voice + if someone starts to become overbearing, I can ask them to stop or change the subject.
I have a friend here who I met through college. He’s Dutch, 74 + lived through the Second World War. One of the first things he told me, while explaining Australian politics to me, was that he is, what we in England would call a Tory supporter. If I’d cut off our friendship there because I disagreed with his political persuasion, I would never have heard how he survived tuberculosis in a concentration camp + how he sought to escape to England.
These stories + indeed any story you are told, are tales of life + are learning experiences. All information is learning + by purposely cutting your possibilities of information (by rejecting people for their beliefs), you are losing your will to understand + also run the risk of becoming close-minded.
OK, so what about the fascist Nazi, who beats you up in the street for looking like a ‘black loving queer’? It’s not easy to accept this point of view but step back + see the human underneath, see his weakness + find something in that person that you do not hate.
Hate is the most powerful negative emotion a person can feel + hating in return, is not going to find any real long-term solution. Put down your prejudice (including your CRASS + RUDIMENTARY PENI LPs) + open up your mind.
Just remember it’s OK to disagree but it’s wrong to hate. Hatred achieves nothing except the continuance of hatred – something I’m sure we would all like to see an end to.
Finally, some surf news to justify the column title. A cyclone hit Australia while Rob was here, the east just catching the tail end of it. This meant rain, rain + more rain – Rob only saw about 4 sunny days (it’s still warm enough for shorts + a t-shirt though) but this also led to 15-foot waves + some awesome though violent surf (which tragically drowned a man too). During the quiet moments, Rob got out there on the board and caught a few waves, Which I’m sure he’ll be telling you all about.
OK, gotta go, my train’s here – write y’all to x Alanna St, Terrigal, NSW 22xx, Australia.
(In his accompanying letter, Shaun felt certain that some people wouldn’t agree with his view, I know I (Rich) don’t share all his points + to this end, he positively encourages a reply!!)
31st Jan 2024 – I remember this walk to TAFE to study every morning, after catching the train from Gosford. I particularly remember walking behind a pretty girl that I was, one, too shy to talk to and two, still happily in love with Bronwyn. She looked like how imagined an Italian girl to look and her dark black hair was tinted to the red shone when the bright hit it. Strange the little details one remembers. I wonder what life that girl ended up having. I hope she’s happy somewhere.
1994ever 