Tag: poole

Beautiful Mess – 6th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Standing here amongst the detritus
This is certainly a lived-in room
The treaties of the past are scattered
Across a floor that’s never seen a broom

There’s an unused TV in the corner
Hoping the remote will be found one day
Tho’ full of dust, it’s fuller with love
A satisfying sty in which to laugh and play

inspired by the memory of living in Mick’s house – more detail here

Today I’m feeling:

Tired but relaxed.  Amy stayed at her parent’s last night and much of today and after coffee, hanging out washing and shampooing Tigger I slowly watched the day disappear reading, watching TV and not much else.

Today I’m grateful for:

The discounted milk protein drinks at the Lotus store – three for the price of two.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing reading Wuthering Heights, which I enjoyed much more than I expected.  I love finishing one book because it means I can start another! 

I also started reading China Underground at Utopia, the first two stories of which reminded me a lot of my time meeting people in China and to realise how much the world, and I, have changed since.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

There is some family drama going on that I have absolutely no control over and so the best I can do is to comfort Amy and help her with figuring out the best way forward. 

It’s a frustrating situation that goes deep into Thai culture and societal norms that involve blind acceptance of the patriarchy. 

Whilst I knew about this, it is uncomfortably close to home this time.  It is also making me feel even more for the female students that I teach and wonder what of their future.

Something I learned today?

Our avocado tree is infested with giant hairy worms that are eating their way through the leaves.  I have to warn Amy to stay away from there as she will surely be allergic to their hairs.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I fist-bumped the staff at Utopia and the girl customer whom I have seen there a few times before and smiled and acknowledged most everyone else who came in whilst I was there reading and drinking my coffee.

Apart from that I didn’t have much interaction with anyone else today, even online.

I took this picture because these little fucks are difficult to see on the tree. There are five visible here and 100s more out of focus.

Exposed – 3rd December 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

These words are a photograph
A fight against time
Just a brief exposure
Into this life of mine
A snapshot, incomplete
Make of it what you will
It’s your story too
This one I’m living still

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good again after a good cannabutter-aided sleep. My body is a little stiff but I was happy to see more definition when I looked in the mirror this morning. Slowly, slowly getting to the shape I might like.

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy’s banana muffins, small, light and so delicious I ate three immediately.

The best thing about today was:

Starting a new book. This time it’s Wuthering Heights. I read the first couple of chapters and already have a feel for the story.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The internet is often not good in my room and today was a little frustrating as it it difficult to play guitar along with the app I use and then trying to prepare for my classes tomorrow. I just gave up and came inside.

Something I learned today?

It’s thought that this year China reached peak carbon. Maybe the first country to do so?

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Today has been a relatively quiet day with few interactions and mostly general acts neither good or bad.

I did go and wait on the bridge for Amy’s som tum food delivery. 

A future good deed I’m considering is painting our house number on the bridge so delivery drivers can find us more easily.

27th Feb 2024 – Our bridge will be gone in the next couple of months as part of widening the road in our soi. Let’s see what it all looks like in the end and maybe I’ll have to make a sign.

What is a piece of advice that I would give to my younger self?

My ten-year-old self: Take every opportunity to try new things. Don’t worry about what other people think. (I wouldn’t have taken this advice as I was too stubborn and contrarian)

My twenty-year-old self: The way you are feeling is not normal, go see a psychiatrist. Also, stop using alcohol as medication.

My thirty-year-old self: Now you’re getting there. About time. Keep going with those adventures. You still need to learn to love yourself more, this will stop you from hurting and hurting others. Stop drinking.

My forty-year-old self: You’re almost there. Almost worked everything out. Keep doing what you’re doing. Stop drinking.

My fifty-year-old self: Look at you, slowly getting fit and healthy, mentally and physically. You’re understanding that life is meaningless but don’t tell the kids that! Give hope. Share goodness. Be wary of false prophets and the pedestal you put them up on.

What is your favorite part about your town or city?

Let’s think about the three main places I have lived. Wimborne, Dorset, UK. Sydney, New South Wales, Australia. Ban Huai Phlu, Chiang Rai, Thailand.

Wimborne: After my formative teenage years growing up in the countryside outside Wimborne, when both grandparents had passed away, we moved to Colehill on the outskirts of the town but still within walking distance if the weather was suitable.

One summer I scored ten cheap hits of acid and decided to spread them out over the weekends doing a half on Saturday and a half on Sunday. From there my mind was open to many things and I would often head off out for a random walk. I loved the fields and though I rarely went near it, also the river.

One Sunday afternoon I headed down the hill into the Stour Valley with pollen floating through the air as you might imagine in a fairy tale. I knew where I was without knowing where I was, following tracks and trails over fences and through fields, ending up at the river. I don’t recall which way I ended up coming home but I revisited this walk one time when visiting my mum in 2011(?) and it was still an enjoyable excursion.

Back then, though perhaps after that summer, I would also ride my pushbike around similar areas that led to discovering the old train lines and then trying to follow them from Poole to Ferndown. Perhaps it is these times that endear me to the countryside still.

Sydney: There is a walk from around St Leonards that goes through some bushland along Flat Rock Creek, down into a ravine that opens up into a park that then goes down to the harbour at Cammeray. 

This walk is sentimental for me as it recalls the time of new blooming love, passion and understanding. Long lazy walks with TLJ found my mind opening to so many new things that I needed to replace in my life. It meant leaving some things behind, heartache for some and eventually for us all.

I recall one time, escaping home with the idea that a choice needs to be made and lying in the park alone in the warm spring evening that decision was finally made. My life took a new course from there. That was 1998.

Chiang Rai: It is comparable to the area in Wimborne, a valley that leads to the river. Beyond the bypass that takes me to and from work the valley opens out long and wide, the mountains on the other side seem far far away. The jungle here has long been cleared for rice fields and there have been times that I have been riding my motorbike here, crisscrossing the land to trying and understand how everything fits together, that reminds me of the walk in Wimborne. 

The first time I rode here I was so excited that I returned again the next day. I’ve given it a little break this year because things change here quite quickly so will check it out again and find new surprises.

I took this picture because Noey wasn’t working today. When she is working and I’m late she always messages me asking where I am so today I sent her this picture asking where she was. Predictably, she has exams.

You see, you feel, you know – 5th September 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Change. All change involves a challenge. I remember when I lived with my mother I was content there, I was also fussy and finicky. A cup of coffee was only nice out of my special mug. I had particular knives and forks that I had to use, no others would do. Those two tiny things were barriers I had made to stop myself from leaving. Wrapped up in a golden blanket of security, I would dread the thought of having to use a different knife.

Then I left, scared of watching all that security get old and withered. I learnt how to use a washing machine and how to cook and I learnt that I didn’t have all the time in the world and started using my spare time to good effect instead of wasting it. I slowly discovered who I was and became content again.

Broni gets herself home from work early, now she’s finishing up things she’s on a self-admitted skive but remember back when I was telling you how hard she worked, now at last the slow down.

So with time on our hands (yes, time, that funny thing that you can never have enough of and when we feel so short of it all of a sudden we are presented with some) we take off on a whim down to Poole Quay and the aquarium which is full of fish on the ground floor, swimming around in their swimming round circles, round and round. Only the piranha seem to stay in some territorial still, and Broni sits and watches the silver dollar fish, light reflecting prism-like into her eyeballs, hypnotic, entranced.

Upstairs, crocodiles lounge like dead things in their 12 inches of water, not a blink nor a twitch, then Broni walks into a room where a man sits waiting to take your picture with a 20 foot python, 6 inches across. But Broni doesn’t see the snake until it’s rubbing her hand and she makes a quick exit! The rest of the snakes we watch through glass, most being lazy and restful. But beautiful, the nest of vipers all piled on top of each other like it was cold and were seeking warmth.

Snakes and spiders, then upstairs to a model railway which fascinates the child in me watching a little replicas stopping starting whistling shunting chuffing. A great place to go and visit despite the steep entrance fee, maybe Poole Aquarium is a bit of an odd description too.

By this time we are exhausted again and return home to comfy chairs and brief dreams for a half hour. Next on the agenda is a meal we’ve planned, so I goes with my sweet to pick up my mum and we drive with a remarkable sunset behind us up to Ringwood where we joined Kerry, Ron, Cath and Simon, drinks already underway. I wanted to come back to this restaurant, the India Cottage, as it is the first place I was introduced to Indian cuisine by my boss at the time, now some six or thereabouts years ago. We were served by two young beautiful people, both English but dark skinned. Him in bright white shirt and black trousers, the nervous and anxious to please gentleman, and her also, dressed in a tie-dye one-piece dress, dark and pretty as her skin. With seven of us all giggling away we took some time in there and the best thing was the slow service which gave us all plenty of time to digest one course before stuffing another and I, probably for the first time ever, managed to eat everything I ordered. So the atmosphere was nice and relaxed right through to the last Tia Maria.

So arrived the weekend, Broni off to get her haircut then us both over to Rosemary’s for lunch where we sit and play with Jade, kid cute, running around or having us to run around after her. I feel really good around kids, I enjoy the freedom they express and their ignorance of worry, real life giver.

Our joy takes us home for a brief encounter on the bed where we frenzy practice babymaking before diversion to Wimborne for pizza and then Southampton for our last gig there before we leave, now just three weeks away. Oh yes.

Atmosphere at The Joiners is, as ever, relaxed and exciting, but tonight tinged with some sadness for us as we say our farewells to some of the regulars, brightened up though by new people eager to get involved.

So at the end of the night, midnight we bring back Rob and Rich to Chrissy’s place, Chrissy out on the tiles but Sharon there to let us in. Rich soon leaves as the rest of us prepare to have a few drinks, Rich still on his straight edge kick and good luck to him if it makes him feel better about himself, which I’ve noticed it has.

We make an effort to wait up for Chrissy but all fall asleep dead drunk after playing every single kids game in the cupboard.

It’s light and Chrissy stumbles in, 7 am, she goes to bed and we get up and not only do we get up, so do Amanda, Luke, Sam and Rebecca, our company for the morning, four beautiful active screaming monster children. Rebecca amazes us as she is now walking herself about and saying ‘yeah’ whenever it takes her fancy. Snotty nosed Sam, quietly watching and wandering from here to here. Luke demanding to play Nintendo and demanding to play with me, and Amanda being unusually quiet and restrained today, possibly because mum is not there to antagonise, Chrissy now sound asleep oblivious to rowdy rabble.

After a while of preparation we all set off for the park, Amanda demanding piggybanks of me and Luke off Rob, Broni pushes Rebecca and Sharon looking after Sam. One child each, they will never beat us!

So how is it later on I get Sam on my shoulders, Amanda on one hand and Luke on the other and I’m sure if Rebecca could get out of her locked in pushchair she’d be demanding my affection too. But I know the kids see that I have lots of love to give them and I love ’em to bits. Sam called me dad, Luke kicked me till I wouldn’t play with him no more, Sharon then talking to him quietly and Luke coming back looking all forlorn and saying sorry under his breath, little beauty horror tike.

Amanda asked me if I remember when Steve and I took her tree climbing and I surely do, I remember it so well because it was then I realised I too, could look after kids, not be scared of that kind of future. It was something Steve showed me just by doing it and not by mentioning it. The only thing he ever said about kids was that he thought I would enjoy it, and as it made him so happy. Here I was, now free of all those old inhibitions about coolness and, ‘geez I wonder if anybody can see me?’ type thoughts that always entered my head when I was around children. My only regret is that Steve isn’t here to see that in me, because even though I realised it back then, I was still in a kind of awe of him because he was looking after Rebecca and Amanda so well.

When people die, you keep a little piece of them with you and it’s something I kept of Steve (amongst other things) and I find that particularly poignant as Chrissy said to Broni the night before that ‘Shaun is a good bloke, a lot like Steve in many ways.’ That kind of compliment makes me feel good inside, I really love all these people around me. Amanda surprised me by remembering that, maybe not sure how much a seven-year-old might remember about a year before, which is great.

I talk to her about the snakes we saw and carry her down to see the cygnets and the ducklings, then onto the swings and climbing houses where we try to wear the kids out but us with only a couple of hours sleep start flagging it instead.

Get back to Chrissy’s and cook some food, Chrissy now up and pale, looking barely alive as Amanda scoffs at her, her not liking her mum getting drunk because it makes her ‘smelly’. We force Chrissy to eat but she’s had it and at 2 o’clock or so heads back to dreamland. We leave around then too, dropping off Rob on the way, Sharon already gone with the kids to a party.

Broni sleeps in the car and I sleep on the sofa when we get back but only for an hour or so. The rest of the day slips us by slowly and gently as we slow down and let the love in ourselves roll around some and spread through our veins to our fingers and toes. We fall asleep with smiles on our faces and play with our friends in our subconscious.

This is an image that just won’t fade – 19th July 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Then up to Old Sarum, the old town of Salisbury in Roman times, with magnificent views, particularly of the Roman roads that met their 2000 years back. We sunbathed and slid down banks, climbed up them and avoided paying to get in. A way cool place – go see.

We videoed some wildflowers and wild insects and then headed home to Poole where Broni, Rob, John and I went down the pub for dinner and a couple of beers to celebrate/commiserate, before walking down to Kerry’s to watch a video. Unfortunately we picked Body of Evidence. What crap! Nuff said.

So’s, after watching a bit of the third-place play-off in the World Cup (Sweden well ahead though still don’t know the final score) we stumbled home drunkenly and guess what? I can’t remember anything else of that night. Ho-hum.

But Sunday, once again I woke wrapped in Broni and let’s just say we didn’t get up for an hour or two us being too interested in each other. But breakfasted on, then mad rushed us fab foul four again to the beach to meet Chrissy, Sharon (Steve’s sister), Amanda (Chrissy’s daughter), Luke (Sharon’s son – The maddest baddest little bastard ever! And of course exceptionally cute in his few years of age – totally lovable!) and Jennifer (Amanda and Luke’s friend). So for five hours, we played football, catch, volleyball, frisbee and Luke’s special game ‘knock you over and jump on top of you and throw sand in your face!’ We all spent most of the day laughing and playing and having good old-fashioned childish fun. You can’t begrudge that can you?

Exhausted we came home, Rob back up to Southampton, me and John to watch the football (sprawled out in the front room) and Broni upstairs to watch the film ‘She’ll Be Wearing Pink Pyjamas’. The football, the World Cup final, was a slight disappointment though reasonably entertaining and a shame to be settled on penalties at the end, sparking the age-old debate of how to settle a stalemate match. It being late and us exhausted we still found some enthusiasm for an idea would come up with holding a party on the Saturday before we are evicted. The cunning bitch Julie left on Saturday afternoon, thankfully, which is an immense relief all round – the last we hear from her I hope though we may have to chase her up for bills sooner or later.

And so it came to Monday – the day of little occurrence of note, save John and I playing frisbee up at the park, in the most delicate beautiful rain and humidity, till darkness swamped the evening. When I got back me and Broni played silly buggers till bedtime recharging ourselves with each other’s love and closeness.

We also, over the weekend, decided that if Rob comes to Oz for the wedding, he’ll be our best man. Hey man, cool – will ask him soon. And everything will be mad frenzy now, packing, sorting, writing letters, changing addresses, closing bank accounts and fucking partying. Go dudes! Oh yes, good can come from bad – just watch us prove it.

(Later) Phew. It’s scorching hot, preparation for the coming summer in Australia (destiny – what the card!) Drove across some wide-open land today, fields upon fields of corn and crops, cows and the bull. Down dusty tired tracks by dung heaps, open space is like…it’s like….freedom. At the end of that journey was a farm with a pretty farmer’s daughter and her way cute two-year-old (I’m guessing) and a handsome farm boy who would charm the undies off a nun if maybe he wasn’t the village idiot, knowing nothing else but muck and chicken shit. (This is all in my mind of course – who knows what these people may do by night. I could see this guy at some nightclub bar with a queue of girls lined up to caress his rippling muscles – like I said, who knows?)

And I’m out in the sticks now, driving through some sleepy village that even has two names, like one had forgotten and another thought up – and imagine the village war between the farmers and the petrol pump attendant families over which name to use (out here they may still have a say – imagine us try to change the name of Bournemouth to Old Bastard or something).

And I gets to thinking, seeing some old dude bent over double with age, where I might be in 100 years time. Hmm? And I was thinking of something Rollins wrote which I’ll write ye down when I get home and maybe I’ll find a connection. Anyway, think about where you will be every year for the next 100 years okay – see what you come up with (go for it I say).

Well I sucked down a cupful and God shone within – 12th July 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Oops, not been keeping you too well informed, have I?

Well, on Saturday I got cut short writing letters cos my boss, Sid the Sexist, came so I just read the papers instead. When I got home me and Bonsa went coat hunting in antique stores down Boscombe way – but no joy, and we got screwed up by all the old farts worried we’d steal their prize crockery and crummy medals. We later checked out an old army collector place in Poole. The idea is to find a coat for me to get married in, by the way. And there was an old witch of a woman running this place. She was very eccentric and talked strangely – she was quite pleasant really but looked like she had a cauldren hidden away somewhere.

Next we took the familiar road to Southampton and to the Joiners, where most of our mates were already hung out. John and Selena and their friend Lisa strung out on speed and also getting pissed up. Useful Idiot played and totally blew me away and then I read Maximum Rock ‘n’ Roll through Haywire’s set – notable only for their mad looking bass player. Oi Polloi finished off and were very entertaining. Though riddled with cliches, the singer, Deke’s, sincerity shone through. After I’d sold a few LPs we got everything packed up and drove everyone to John and Selina’s in the back of the van with renditions of about 600 different songs, or choruses of, on the way.

Me and Broni started to drink when we got back which was at about 1am. But we only lasted till three or so. We crashed in the back of the van and went into deep gorgeous sleep after a few minutes of fidgeting on the hard floor.

Awoke to bright sunshine and cooking like canned sardines at about 8.30 and went back in to find a couple of people about, or just in the throes of going to sleep! We made some coffees and drunk them in the cool Sunday morning sun, Rob joining us and gradually more people surfacing. Intending to leave at about 10 or so I think we got away at about midday. I should just mention here that Chrissy decided not to come last night because, I guess, she would still feel a bit strange without Steve being around. Such a difficult situation she has faced up to – all power to her. She knows all the people here, all her friends still love her.

Okay, video camera armed we checked out The New Forest and all its animals – donkeys, horses and cows all with their babies, and pigs the size of cars. You would not believe – awesome. Another beautiful cloudless day – eventually we got home and decided to head to the beach, forgetting any responsibilities we were supposed face!

The sea was warm in the evening sun and me, Broni and John played ball and I swam a bit and a bit more (though not yet breathing underwater). Another fantastic push bike ride through the woods and, gosh, you should’ve seen the smiles on our faces. Oh, so in love with life and happy to be alive. We realised how lucky we are and how well off we are compared with others. We also realise that it is our spirit and outlook that gives us the right attitude to approach adversity whenever it needs to be faced – and we know we will.

Quickly quickly – let me tell you a couple of things about today. For one, it’s mega hot, hitting 30s and a field of cows crowded together for cooling (I presume), some weird sight anyway – I travelled up to near London on a delivery and sat smiley listening to the Palace Bros, Will Palace singing, “The world is within you, without is of mud”. Oh yes, fucking fuck. How can you not love life??!

Rearrange events again – 16th May 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A fine interruption in my writing last night, that’s why the above seems a tad unfinished. It’s been a wonderful weekend. At last, I’ve been able to relax a bit and on sunny Sunday (yesterday) rode down to the beach and round Poole and watched videos and messed about and did this and that. My beautiful Broni flakes near midnight but I wouldn’t come to bed – eager to sort out more poems for the next issue of the booklet and this morning my sweet was in such a beautiful foul mood it made us both laugh and I carried on laughing at work till, bloody hell, things start piling up for me too and I’m saying, ‘Ah fuck it, what do I care?’ (in my head at least). And here I am now writing this.