The song always remains the same (Here we damn well go again!) Everything and nothing is gonna change
Too late and too soon to rearrange Is this even worth the saving? More or less, we’re all misbehaving Every order is rapidly falling apart Started at the end, ended at the start
To the infinite, the future and past Here stand the fallen, the first came at last Every explosion will soon shake the walls Your sons and daughters taking the falls
And we better start off along the creeks Rowing the boats and plugging the leaks Eagles turned vultures pointing their beaks
Alarmed at the words the majority speaks
Criticise the critters, blame all the birds Hold on hope and the rule of thirds Always enough was found wanting more Now comes the battle to settle the score Gone with all reason, gone with the wind In the storm of the season, everyone sinned Never again, again and again, explained Gotta live to see that the times have changed
‘Criticise the Critters’ is from a song by Phantom Tollbooth and ‘Hold on Hope’ is from Guided By Voices. Oh, I suppose I should also say that ‘The Song Remains the Same’ is by Led Zeppelin too.
Tired and bleary-eyed again. I intended to sleep long but Cap woke me up crying at the door to be fed at 8.20 and once up I decided to utilise the time and try to get myself going.
Today I’m grateful for:
Not having anything in particular to do today except hang out washing and bring it in again!
The best thing about today was:
Getting some reading in, a little writing and good coffee to start the day. I spent another three hours or so catching up on sleep at around midday. I’m still looking forward to more sleep tonight.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
During my afternoon sleep, I was having a vivid dream that I was a teenager in bed, in a bedroom that was my own but not a place that I recognised. I was trying to jerk myself off but constantly conscious that my mum wouldn’t suddenly open the door and catch me and this kept interrupting the thoughts in my imagination that I was trying to get excited about.
It was so vivid that when I briefly came back into consciousness, my imagination was still trying to decide on some kind of sexy scenario and then I started questioning myself, am I actually jerking off whilst dreaming of jerking off?
I fell back into the dream but was unable to continue. Consciousness quickly came again and I turned over in bed wondering if I had been making any noise during all this!
I slept more after this but didn’t return to that dream.
Something I learned today?
I watched a video about an adult gaming company called Nutaku and, through that, learned that about 90% of porn websites (along with Nutaku) are owned by a single company.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
I helped Amy a little bit today as she is under the weather with a cold. I didn’t really interact with many other people today.
I took this picture of Aomsin because she is shy to have her picture taken. She’s an interesting student as she doesn’t usually give much away about her feelings with her facial expressions. It was nice to catch a smile before she hid herself from the camera.
Oh homeless man, the new waiter The undercover friend, the infiltrator TV celebrity, the idol musician The data points inform the position
Oh trendy barista, petulant child Enraged protestor, a traveller wild The service staff, the queuers waiting The data points accumulating
Oh gentle find, words so kind A bus conductor helping the blind Kissing the ugliest and prettiest face The data points fall into place
Oh fighting man, the bruise creator The best, and worst – lover, hater The times recalled of instant regret The data points are all being set
Oh husbands, wives, fathers and mothers Every conversation where meeting others Their influence felt without fail The data points tell their tale
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty rough in the morning but I knew as the day went on I would improve. My cough has gotten worse but the sore throat is almost gone.
After my only class in the morning, which went well enough considering, I’ve been running around getting documents copied, printed and pictures taken.
By the time I got home I was tired but not sleepy and if I had slept it would have been long and deep and then I wouldn’t sleep tonight. But that has left me a little deflated and unenthused.
I played guitar for a little while before stopping feeling a bit frustrated. Some days don’t feel right and I can accept that much better these days.
Today I’m grateful for:
The immigration officer who was sympathetic to my situation though unable to do anything to help. He was kind and friendly.
I’m also grateful to TLC to put together all my paperwork for my visa and dealing with immigration for me this time.
The best thing about today was:
The feeling of things getting done and finished by mid-afternoon, even though it’s not really completed yet. It was just satisfying that after the running around everyone said ‘ok, done’. Now wait for the next bit of running around.
Maybe I still have to do a border run to get another 30 days extension if this visa application through TLC isn’t ready in time but even that could at least be an interesting day out.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
A little frustratingly in my class this morning many students were having trouble recording audio on their phones due to permission settings.
I’m getting better at figuring out how to change their phones’ language setting to English so I can then figure out how to fix the app permissions. In the course of doing this on one girls phone though I found she had about 60 porn website pages open.
I wasn’t particularly bothered about the content just that there were so many pages open possibly draining her battery and taking up bandwidth so I started closing them. When she saw that I could see these pages she wanted to grab her phone but I told her not to worry, that it wasn’t important right then and I eventually fixed her settings for her.
When I got home I sent her a message to clean up her phone just in case another teacher or her family members might see.
I also told her that I understood that all the kids her age are curious about these things but wanted her to understand that pornography doesn’t represent what sex is really like and that it is acting.
I sent her a translated version so she could more easily understand and she soon replied, though just with a simple ‘ok’ so I’m not sure exactly how she might be feeling.
Sometimes when I see my 13-year-old female students I’m reminded about the book I read years ago about a poor Thai girl who sold her virginity at that age to an old white guy. It was sure a depressing story and I can’t imagine the desire that drives people to seek out youngsters in that way.
Yes, they are cute, curious, sexy and everything else but actually having sex…? It doesn’t make sense to me.
Something I learned today?
I learned that I have to go and interview the primary students in the morning tomorrow instead of the afternoon as originally planned. Who knows, it might still change again in the morning….
What is something positive happening in my life right now?
My attitude. Considering I’m stuffing around with visas yet again, maybe working without pay, dealing with naughty children constantly and many other little niggles that could accumulate to get me down I’m still surprisingly upbeat and positive.
I took this picture because Pat turned up late to my class the other day with her hair like this and I found it quite amazing. I think another couple of girls who were late had helped her. Well done, good job! I still marked them all late in the attendance system though.Fatman report
The house is empty, the lights are off Yesterday’s glitter stuck to my shoes Spending time alone in a crowded home Are reminders there’s no time to lose
Is this now and is this our future? The illusions around me would shatter All those other sexy Halloween dresses Illuminated the things that really matter
Figured it out but was unable to act Here I am figuring it out again Trying to rescue ice cream on a sidewalk Is it even necessary to explain?
Surprisingly good. My classes have been okay and I haven’t been too serious with my lazy kids. I’m doing what I can to motivate them. If they don’t catch on at least I know I’ve tried.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the preparation work that I did during the holidays so that now I can walk into class and know that there is something ready to go, even if I can’t remember exactly how it goes, it will fall into place. I think I will run out of lessons though and have to prepare a lot more during the next holiday when I already know I will have less spare time. But I can start getting my act together sooner too.
The best thing about today was:
It being a smooth and steady, enjoyable day. Lots of points in my short-term memory without anything standing out as the best. To add one thing though that I hope will be able to bring to mind in ten years’ time perhaps….
Yesterday one of the grade 7 boys was showing off some pornographic pictures on his phone. I just happened to catch a glimpse as he was doing it. I took his phone and put it in the teacher’s room and carried on teaching. He already felt regretful, particularly as I hadn’t talked to him about it or got angry about it. When I had assigned some work and the class settled into it I asked him to come with me to the teacher’s room. The only other teacher there was Ren who I think may also seem a little intimidating and he was overhearing me ask what the pictures were and why he was so interested in showing other students. He tried making excuses but he knew it wasn’t working and as he got more uncomfortable I used translation to tell him that now is not the time for playing but for studying. I also showed him that I knew how to mark down his behaviour in the school app and deduct points that his homeroom teacher and parents can see. He went back to class with his tail between his legs and messaged me later apologising and begging me not to tell his teacher. Today his behaviour was much improved though as a typical 12-year-old, he still struggles with self-control. I hope he stays onside because he is definitely capable if he chooses.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Today was the first time that I assigned work in Quizizz to the class whilst trying to teach it step by step. Despite telling the kids not to rush ahead some of the smarter ones still did and I’m not sure quite how to go ahead with these lessons. But I’ll give it a little more time because maybe a bright idea will come out of it.
One of the technological setbacks is students not being allowed access to the microphone to record themselves speaking. I know how to fix this most times but found it almost impossible to do when the phone’s language is set to Thai!
I’ll work my way through slowly fixing this I hope!
Something I learned today?
The notoriously bad weather department of Thailand forecast drought well into 2024. It’s definitely been hot again and drier than the last two years but I’m hopeful that up here in the mountains we will be ok.
What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
I got the good news today that one of my classes tomorrow and Friday will be off doing something which makes my days much easier. I’m looking forward to that!
I took this picture on the weekend because Bruno and I came across this bullpen as we were walking around the university botanical garden. The bulls were separated from the mum and calf, the photo of which I posted before.
Good news punk rockers, good news. A long-standing member of the scene in Southampton, is, at last, fucking off to Australia.
Unfortunately for me, I’ve known this person for many years + I’ve seen him change + for the worse in my opinion.
I’ll not be sorry to see him go that’s for sure! Now I can start coming to gigs again, knowing I won’t have to put up with his ugly smiling face + all his happy cheery positive talk. God, that guy was always looking on the bright side – I couldn’t fuckin’ stand it – it was insulting to my intelligence.
I’ve been keeping well clear of him for ages now, him + his obnoxious girlfriend. I blame her for his happiness.
Let’s face it kiddies, punk rock is not about being happy, it’s about isolation, pain + fucking shit up. About being miserable + paranoid + frustrated. These things are the fuel of the punk rock fire.
I ask you, how can anyone be happy + punk rock? You can’t + don’t argue with me ‘cos 1 should know, I’ve been like this for years.
Well, things can get back to normal now + it’s great that. I can come to gigs again. That makes me happy… erm… I guess?
Shaun’s Show
Mr Cynical happy? Who’d’ve thought? Looks like we won’t be seeing him again + you also won’t be seeing me again, ‘though you can still enjoy my future writings here + in ‘Suspect Device’. In case you didn’t know, I’m the one off to Australia. For those who don’t know who I am, I’m the guy in loud shirts, who’s been selling records in the corner at the Joiners. I’ve given THIRST! plenty of abuse when they’ve played + I’ve been too drunk to be coherent sometimes (but that describes any number of people!). I’ve been involved in the scene in one way or another for 9 years + the effort I’ve put in has reaped its rewards with great memories + new friends (still making new friends at the last gig). I’d like to thank all those people who’ve been there for me in times of need + whose floors I’ve slept on + whose memories I’ve rifled over the years. People who’ve fed me, bought me beers, given me joints, or taken me to gigs. They’ll all say they’ve seen me change over the years + welcomed + accepted that change. I know most people prefer me the way I am now, as opposed to 3 years ago. I was a cynical, obnoxious, loud-mouthed stubborn opinionated git. All those people who stood by me deserve much credit for remaining friends. I never knew I had so many. They know (as I now do) that the reward is in the giving + not in the taking. People who come to Southampton will find out for themselves just how good the scene is + I wish the best to all those involved – past, present + future. Spread the word cos the word is good. Remember ‘We Are The Magic People’.
Besides all that malarkey, there’s a couple of things that need addressing re: the STE Bulletin. First of all, is Queer Rob’s column regarding porn. Time has been against me in talking directly to Rob, so I’ll put it down here. Rob, your views on porn are ignorant + misguided. When we did speak, you asked me what knowledge I’ve had in regards to porn + unfortunately, the conversation got interrupted.
Well, a few years ago, I helped put together a fanzine that dealt with issues of sex + sexuality, one of the issues being porn. I studied the subject from all angles, so I do have some idea of what goes on and what others think of it. First of all, porn is made for men, by men. That might be a huge generalisation but I can’t think of an example of a film that was made for women.
Men make money out of it, lots of money + all over the world. Sex sells, I’m sure we all know that. It is a sexist business. Just like being a chef, you imagine all the people who cook to be women but all the top-paid chefs are men. So it is the women get to be on screen for a meagre wage, while the men get to rake in the profit.
Secondly, you say that these films are not degrading to women, because what they do is out of choice. The point here is about the way women are always portrayed in submissive roles in porn films – that is blatant sexism. I’ll give you some examples of films I have to hand. 1st: film ‘Virgin Ass’. Storyline/introduction/clothes off (2 minutes), oral sex carried out by her (2 mins), she mounts him, (2 mins), various positions that quickly reverse the dominating role ie he takes control (6 mins), anal sex (any guesses who carries that out on whom! – 2 mins), cum shot: (most cum shots revolve around her giving oral sex, again because it makes for a better film because the cum is visual. It is also a very dominating action.
If you like the sound of that, you can see just how lovely this is at home by inserting a carrot all the way into your anus, withdraw it + take a bite. You’ll notice the time will invariably be between 10 + 15 minutes, that is known as the ultimate wank time.
2nd film ‘Lesbian Trio’. 3 naked women with various sex toys, performing mutual masturbation + oral sex in various positions. This type of film is aimed directly at the male market. It is a common male fantasy to sleep with more than 1 woman, who perform lesbian acts together too. Male homosexual movies are also aimed at the male market.
Final film ‘Love Triangle’. Same as the first film, except her performing oral sex at the same time as vaginal sex, ending up with both vaginal + anal sex at the same time, ending with cum shot over face + in mouth.
Can you see the domination messages that that film is sending out to sad four-eyed five-knuckle shufflers everywhere? If people get off on it, then that’s fine but people who don’t understand that porn films are degrading to women are ignorant. That’s no crime, just a sad fact of life. Porn films make me realise that I’ve got much better things to do with my time.
Now I’ve heard it recently that people thought Rob Callen’s last column was too long + going over old ground. Well, I will say it here that Rob’s columns are by far the most interesting to read + so what if it means having to sacrifice the regular picture, maybe Rich could do away with his band listing, or start using some of the cover?
Rob is the most open, honest, selfless person amongst all the people I know in Southampton + it really fucks me off that people are always quick to knock him or ignore him. All he wants is for you to be open + honest with him, which is the very fuckin’ message he’s been saying over + over in his columns. If he’s repeating himself, maybe it’s because he’s not yet found those qualities in his friends being offered up. Think about it guys!
I hope to have a book out in early ’95, which is based on my life in 1994, which shows the major changes I have gone through in this exciting year. All your fave characters will be there + I hope when read it will encourage people to go out + grab life by the handlebars + seek out their destinies, be they in suburban Eastleigh, grimy London or sunny Sydney.
OPPORTUNITY OF THE MASSES WITH ROB
First off, I must apologise for everything that I’ll be going to say in this column because I just know it won’t make sense to anyone! Let me try to explain why:
Imagine yourself looking into the friendly eyes of some people that you’ve come to know + you see a myriad of shifting thoughts reflected in their eyes. Maybe your own thoughts are in there somewhere, because on some occasions you’ve seen what they’ve seen + have experienced the same things + had the same thoughts that they’ve had + through this slow process of getting to know them, you start to find out everything you’ve taken for granted + all the things you didn’t say because you thought it was inappropriate + all the ideas you had but didn’t have the courage to put them into practice, all came suddenly together + are brought into a clearer perspective, by talking to people who’ve showed a lot of respect + who talk honestly about their experiences + expectations.
I’m thinking about 2 people in particular, who won’t be with me/you for too much longer, for they are going home/emigrating to Australia + I think this is one reason why sometimes I tend to look at things with a sense of urgency, because it seems there are things which I do which I’m only gonna get one chance at – like playing in a band, or writing, or just talking to people, to see what’s on their mind.
Let’s talk about friends who emigrate first (!). Opportunities like this only come up once or twice, if at all, in a lifetime + obviously takes courage + a lot of thought + soul-searching to go through with.
However, even though I’ll really miss them both, for Shaun’s cool perspective on life + Bronwyn’s kind thoughtfulness, let me just say that through them (+ a few other good people I know, which included Steve), my perspective on lots of simple basic things keeps on changing. There’s not normally a day that goes past when I haven’t thought about it.
I’m not saying I’ve changed into a better person, or found “happy happy, joy joy”, cos basically I’m still the same old geezer but: what I might: have now is a stupid optimism, to look at everything as an opportunity + to not worry about problems but to laugh at them + to laugh at myself for laughing at them!
Maybe I’m getting off the point. The point is that: Shaun + Bronwyn have seen an opportunity (even if it’s rather an obvious one) + are grasping it with both hands. This is just a point that comes back to me, over + over again in that old NEWTOWN NEUROTICS song ‘Wake Up’, which goes: “Make the most of your life every day + every opportunity that comes your way”. To me these words are more than lyrics in a punk rock song, they summarise what Shaun + Bronwyn are doing + show me what you, I or anyone can achieve by just looking around the next corner, by opening up your horizons + by just making the time + effort to show people our good side occasionally.
So with keeping opportunity. in mind, let’s reconsider what I wrote in the first sentence. Maybe I shouldn’t have apologised – maybe I should have seen this as an opportunity not to put myself down but to say a big thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to look into my eyes + who has seen their own thoughts in there somewhere.
For although you might be 1,000 miles away in a new city, or new country + a new life there will be times when I’ll think of you + you’ll no doubt think about the people you knew here too, which will stir us to keep in contact – but not only with each other but with many more people that will come our way. It’ll be hard but the hardest things are sometimes worth taking chances on + fighting for. So let’s not, take this as the end but as a start of new experiences, of new hopes + most importantly of all, of new friends.
You didn’t need me to say this but I’ve said it anyway because I had the opportunity to do so. I’m not saying goodbye, just good luck!
Keep holding on to your goals + don’t let anyone get you down, for you can rest assured that in our own way, we’ll be doing the same, for we won’t be growing apart, we’ll be growing together with what is in our eyes + in our hearts.
1994ever 