Behind the smiles, sharpened fangs The soft face belies a strength When considered less than human She will go to any length To give you a pause for reflection A reconsideration of your role Don’t imagine her at your level With the humanity you stole For her, it’s just another fight One she’s fought so often The rage never dissipates And she’s careful not to soften
Written after seeing a particularly strong performance by a front woman for a band (SpeechOdd) and their song ‘More Than Decoration’.
Exhausted. I think that I slept deeply but only in small bursts, so that I woke up well before my alarm and realised that I needed way more rest and so I reset my alarm and decided not to go to school today. I’m glad I did.
My alarm woke me up again at 7.30 and I sent messages to Kru Mai and sent some work for my morning class to complete and send to me. Then it was back to sleep.
Around what I thought was maybe 10 am, I thought about maybe getting up but then checking my phone, I found that it was already 2pm! I got up quickly, though still groggy and dozy. I got on my laptop and sent work to my afternoon class that was due to start in 30 minutes.
After that, I almost fell asleep again watching videos and at around 5 pm, Amy made me fish congee with ginger, which made me feel much better, though I’m about to get back into bed again now at 8.30.
I think I’ll be ok to go to school tomorrow but the morning will tell for sure.
Today I’m grateful for:
The delivery guy who dropped off the record covers from Malaysia, though, didn’t contact me until later to pay the customs fee. I don’t know what he would’ve done if I hadn’t paid him but I knew this was coming and happy to do the right thing despite how fucking annoying paying these fees are.
I can’t imagine anyone in the West trusting people like that.
The best thing about today was:
Catching up my exhausted body. Have done little else today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Naturally, sending my students work to do whilst I’m not in class causes more work for me – especially with the students who don’t bother to do anything and I have to chase them up.
When the bottle was empty of pills There’s no time left to grow Amongst so many ills It’s the bitterest one to swallow
When the son takes the rope Believing there’s no place to go Those left now to cope Traverse the river of sorrow
When attention wasn’t sought And she suddenly became the show Life is no longer a thought Slipped into the undertow
So pass the many hours That survivors will never know And drift away the flowers Along the river of sorrow
Today I’m feeling:
Fuzzy and weird. After a delicious afternoon nap yesterday I got into reading comics so much in the evening that I was up just past midnight. I shoved down some medicine in the hope of waking up flu-free and slept reasonably well until 11. I do feel better but fuzzy around the edges, eyes unable to focus 100%.
Today I’m grateful for:
Matt for buying me a drink and giving me half a pack of tramadol after running across to Central.
The best thing about today was:
Seeing live music in Chiang Rai. Punk, hardcore, metal! Who’d’ve thought?
Something I learned today?
A Wall Street Journal report says Iran is having trouble reining in “Iran-backed militias” and offers one reason why: The US killed the guy who was good at reining them in!
I took this picture because this was the venue for the show before dark. The sound inside wasn’t fantastic due to the stage being shoved in the corner which is circular. This made for some wild and interesting sound distortions from the guitars though.
Tired, relaxed and lazy again. Today is a repeat episode of yesterday pretty much. Not excited, not unhappy.
Today I’m grateful for:
The cake that Amy came back with at lunchtime, presumably from Nong Oh who she was out with. A light chiffon with cashews in a thick caramel topping. It was nice in that it didn’t taste as sweet as it looked.
The best thing about today was:
Cleaning up the last pile of junk on the floor of my room. There is stuff there that is inspiring me to think of new lesson plans so I hung on to quite a bit of it. The floor is clear but I still need to go through the stuff on the shelves and that will mean more inspiration and ideas and then a concern about lack of time to execute all those ideas.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
In the scheme of things, I did very little today. If there was anything out of my control then it had no lasting resonance with my memory.
Something I learned today?
From watching the interview with Nathan Rich I discovered that you can inject whisky into your veins and get drunk from it. I mean, it makes sense but it seems like a stupid thing to do when you can just drink the stuff!
That guy has certainly had an interesting life and we share a weird connection in that we both got into computing as a way to raise ourselves up in the world (and both into punk and then with interests in China).
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Today was all about Amy and being sympathetic to her situation with the unfolding drama therein.
Was the killing of hundreds of hairy worms on the avocado tree a good or vile act?
Tell about something you love doing that you’re terrible at. And tell about something you really do not like doing that you’re great at.
For the former, I guess it would be playing guitar, though I don’t really think that I am terrible. I’m just not good.
For the latter maybe Maths, though again, I wouldn’t say that I was great at it either. In fact, if I think about it I actually like learning about Maths but have an aversion to it because of a long-held hatred of my high school Maths teacher.
Even then, I’m over it (I should be because it was 40 years ago!) so I need to think of something else here.
It’s tough. I don’t consider myself particularly great at anything and at my age now I’m not really doing anything that I don’t like doing anymore.
I took this picture because this pup is cute and loves me.
Struggled through exercise this morning as I’m still tired despite a long sleep and my first class was a little difficult to settle down but we all got there in the end.
Today I’m grateful for:
There not being the bad traffic I was expecting when driving home. There are some events going on around the city and surrounds during this month as well as royal visits that close off roads from time to time. But not today! Hooray!
The best thing about today was:
Doing some investigation, planning and discussion with Nampan from SpeechOdd for an upcoming vinyl release. I’m hoping that this will help me get more involved with the scene here in Thailand.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Both my first and last classes were difficult and annoying today but I persevered, having to keep the second class late due to constant interruptions. It doesn’t help that my lessons are designed for two full hours and now we only have 100 minutes.
Something I learned today?
Just as I’m writing here this evening I got a message from Jan wanting me to talk with ****** because tonight she wants to kill herself! Sigh… it’s easy to see how despondent kids can get in the home environments here sometimes.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Talking with Jan and ******, getting information from one and consoling the other.
Offering a helping hand to Freya who is also suffering from depression as well as some physical ailments.
Sharing in the happiness of Mee, who also tried to kill herself last year, but today ran up to me to give me a big hug and smiles, pronouncing that her mum is home from abroad after a long period of absence. Hopefully, this will be enough to turn her life around.
Offering to help out to teach some extra classes since two of our teachers have left recently.
How does my body feel today?
It’s pretty good today actually. I did arm exercises this morning but didn’t feel any after-effects from that during the day, even feeling compelled to do 10 push-ups in the evening. Yes, it’s not much but this weakling old man has to start somewhere and started I have.
After my exercise in the morning, I noticed a sharp pain in my foot like I was standing on a sharp stone. I then just thought that perhaps an ant had bitten me. It wasn’t until I got home after school I found that it was a thin deep cut. I didn’t feel anything whilst wearing shoes at school but in bare feet again it’s painful as hell as every time I put weight on it the cut opens up.
Apart from still aching shoulders after the weekend ride everything else is feeling just about at the normal level of ache for a 56-year-old boy.
I took this panorama picture on Saturday because the whole view was just magnificent. A picture doesn’t do it justice really. No pictures today.
A society of no use, no one else wanted to play Inspired to produce new anthems for today From the garage born, out onto the snowy roads Teenagers once forlorn gathers and explodes
Alienated and rejected, the world begins shaking Many more infected by songs the kids were making Playtime is over, the child juggles live grenades Better run for cover, here come the renegades
Inspired by a passage in the book ‘SNFU – …What No One Else Wanted To Say’ about Canadian punk legends SNFU.
Today I’m feeling:
Like it’s a catch-up day. Exhausted and blurry-eyed as I sit with my first coffee for which Amy has joined me before she goes to look after her grandmum for the day. Her family are off to Phan to offer prayers and blesses to their uncle in the hope that it can help them sell his land. Amy was quite relieved to not have to go and perhaps her mum understands that Amy is not interested in partaking in these events too.
Today I’m grateful for:
The man washing my bike for a couple of bucks. It hasn’t been washed for six months or so and some of the mud will be glued to the engine casing.
In the time it took me to look down at my phone and write this, it started raining somewhat negating the effects of the cleaning but whatever.
The best thing about today was:
Playing guitar for a couple of hours. It’s been a dull grey day and I kinda dozed for a couple of hours listening to podcasts and music. I couldn’t move because Tigger was happily sleeping on me and I didn’t want to disturb him. Baew and Mee came over for dinner and told of their troubles living back here with their family and their intention to go back to Bangkok. I enjoyed food with them but was itching to play guitar so left them to it. I found a few more Damned songs that I should be able to play along to.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve run out of money early this month so already eating into the visa money in the bank which doesn’t matter now except I need to move it back into our high interest account. I’ll have to wait to get paid to do that.
Something I learned today?
Inconsequential and irrelevant to pretty much everything but I never knew that Ted Leo used to play in Citizen’s Arrest and Chisel. I read his interview in Punk Planet and really connected with what he said, much more than many of the other interviewees in the book. I’ll check out Chisel and his solo stuff when I get time.
What is one thing I wish I could tell my future self?
These were the good times. You’re glad you moved your body more often and prepared yourself for the fragile years.
(All these entries are me telling my future self something. My future self will understand.)
I took this picture because P’ti was looking handsome and content in Utopia this morning.
Dieter, where did you come from? And where are you going on that train? A coat and cigarette keep warm There’s a look on your face I can’t explain
Your eyes reflect the blur outside You look lost in what’s gone past Speeding headlong backwards, onwards Out into the cold world so vast
Moving at speed whilst quietly sitting still The dust of the morning on your mind Stepping onto the platform, time stood still As you contemplated what you’d find
When you look out, you’re looking for me I don’t mean for me to be seen I mean you’re seeing the things I see Reflected in all the places that I’ve been
I recognise your heart and passion I see you collecting everyone’s thoughts The future is heading right toward us As we must navigate these ports
inspired by the attached photo, written about at Spinning Visions blog 15th Mar 2024 – Submitted to dVerse ONL 19th Jun 2024 – Submitted to dVerse – traveling by train
Today I’m feeling:
Struggled to get up after a difficult sleep. It was still over 30 degrees in my bedroom at midnight so I had to shove the fan next to the open window again and by the time it was getting light, I started to feel cool. Having the weight of the two fish I ate last night sitting in my stomach didn’t help either. Finally, I slowly stretched, cobra, child’s pose, cat and cow and opened my eyes. I felt okay. I talked myself into riding my pushbike to Utopia and eventually (see picture below) am relaxing with caffeine, considering a third cup to cap it all off.
Today I’m grateful for:
Window polish/cleaner. And Amy. Combined they made the kitchen window clean again. Free of lizard shit, cobwebs and other detritus. I can see clearly again as I chug down a glass of water or wash out the cat bowls.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling like things are coming together around our house again as Amy tidies, cleans and rearranges everything to her fancy. When I’m here by myself I’m just living but when Amy is here with me it feels like home again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I guess the morning start going to Utopia with Tangmo following along was a little test as I had to leave again before I could even have coffee and ride back, taking Tangmo home. But I dealt with it with calm acceptance and just enjoyed the ride and tiring ‘mo out.
Something I learned today?
I must’ve learned something today! Oh! I read a couple of interesting interviews in the Punk Planet book.
That whole book has me reevaluating certain things about my role within the punk/DIY scene. I think when you are deep in the middle of something like that you take it very seriously. Sitting a little outside of that scene now puts into clearer context how others might have viewed it at the time.
One of the interviews was about a scene member’s frustrations with the changes he’d seen at the time (mid-90s) and it felt a little trivial in retrospect but I also understand that a lot of time has passed since and more world experience gathered.
Of more interest was the other interview about protests about the gearing up for bombing Iraq in 1998.
The interviewee was from our scene but had somehow found himself on live TV (CNN) addressing the warmongers in the US government. In the interview, he was hopeful about the movement of protest against this but history ended up differently as political manipulations saw to it that Iraq would be crushed and crippled for a long time.
Almost every on-the-ground report I have heard was about how welcoming the average Iraqi was to strangers. The same propaganda that is currently loose on Russia and China must not be allowed to lead to military conflict.
But the warmongers will continue to beat their drums until the tide of opinion is so overwhelming that it cannot be ignored.
We hoped for that in 1998. Hoped for it in 2003. Hoped again and again. As situations in the most powerful Western countries deteriorate maybe we are edging nearer that change. Perhaps the world is waking up.
What are some things that help me feel calm and relaxed?
Meditation seems to help a little though I’m never quite relaxed when actually doing it. Perhaps the accumulation and habit is part of this process. Exercise helps too. I still don’t use my body enough but I’m slowly getting there.
Medication has ironed out my wavering emotions and I’m comfortable with that.
I took this picture because crazy Tangmo ran beside me as I rode my push bike all the way to Utopia. Crazy dog. He was scared when I sat down because he wasn’t sure where he was. He couldn’t come in and if I came in he would’ve scratched at the door so there was nothing to do except ride him back home and come back for coffee on the motorbike as it was hot and sunny by then.
The walls may be far away But as words reverberate uninterrupted The room collapses around my ears Til their meaning becomes corrupted
Today I’m feeling:
I didn’t know how I felt this morning but by the afternoon I didn’t feel good. I feel sick without having any symptoms. I have low energy and motivation which seems to be a theme on weekends. I know I’m a little down after thinking about how Amy may not settle down here again but I feel like there’s something else going on. Dodgy guts aren’t helping things either.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the people who make things happen in order for me to order cat food from my phone and have it delivered to my house a couple of days later. As I was unpacking it I consider what a technological marvel this is that those born this century will take for granted. The global supply chain should be celebrated and not used for political machinations. It’s a great example of humans working together. It reminds me of the Bill Hicks line, if we can shoot rockets from far away and have them fly into specific windows to kill supposed terrorists, why can’t we use that technology to shoot food into hungry people’s mouths? Indeed.
The best thing about today was:
Unmotivated days like today don’t provide any high points but I did get a little satisfaction from pulling out weeds around the cactuses.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
One thing that may be affecting my mood is that last night as I was contemplating going to bed I saw a transaction come through for 4000 baht which was for my podcast hosting that I had planned to cancel by sending myself a reminder last month. The reminder didn’t work. I cancelled the account immediately but don’t get refunded anything. An expensive lesson. At least it didn’t happen at the end of the last month and fuck up my bank account for my visa. So I’m trying to spin it as a good thing though it’s not quite working I must admit.
Something I learned today?
I just went out to shut the gate and could see the shadow of a cat under the car so went to see who it was. It wasn’t our boys because they were both inside eating. As I bent down to look underneath I saw it climb up into the engine area and disappear! I always thought the engine was completely shielded from the ground but apparently not. I went inside to get the torch and key. I couldn’t see any obvious animal-looking thing inside and I started the engine to scare it out though maybe it had already decided to dash off before that. I wonder if it was the cat I saw this morning and if I had actually brought it home from somewhere! Seems unlikely but I hope my car doesn’t become an unsuspecting cat taxi.
What’s unique about where I live?
The unique thing about where I live is me. I’m the odd one out. This is quiet jungle village life in a non-English-speaking tropical country and there’s a wild-haired white-skinned punk here. This nail has not been hammered down yet.
I took this picture because I had just let Tigger out the back door and remembered that Tangmo might still be at the front door so I went to check and found this visitor instead. She ran away in Tigger’s direction which wasn’t the wisest choice but she soon figured out an escape. She looked healthy and had beautiful swirling colour whilst slinking away. Never seen her before.
My rats, my rats, my little gutter rats We ran together, we released the bats Our bondage brigade marched ever on We instinctively knew who was the clever one With cider right beside her bag of glue Hellzapoppin as all the young savages dü On mattress castles, the princess and the pee And stinking dogs shit wherever they be No glamour in this clamour drenched in sweat We know we grow to be the best ones yet D. cried about courage, and soon he was dead If the man doesn’t get you, he’s always in your head Nuclear ghosts haunted all our youth Marching in millions seeking some truth The sham in 69 was still in 79 too We loved in vain but knew that love was true And so those glories now dare not be repeated Angry eyes glared, “ever feel like you’ve been cheated?” That revolution sparked is now a faded glory Who now to stop the world with their own story?
People’s opinions are mainly designed to make them feel comfortable; truth, for most people is a secondary consideration.
Bertrand Russell
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful Amy got back to Sydney safely and is happily amongst her friends there again.
It’s a post-post-punk world Music totally deconstructed No alternative Alternative A disco ball disruptive Every dumb male makes music Click, click, bleep and hop Bedroom producers now equal In this new world of pop Indie kings sold guitars To take up regular jobs Making money on weekends With the twiddling of knobs Purists complain to deaf ears Yet this was always the goal Anyone can be making music Even if it is without soul So the punks both won and lost Perhaps they were never right Now there’s little to rebel against And everyone gave up the fight
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I remembered to write something today, especially as I forgot yesterday too.
The kids are bored just hanging out Breaking curfews and running about They’re ready for something, set to rise The fire is burning behind their eyes
The trigger arrives by train and bus Thinking ‘no one else can fuck with us’ The energy is bursting out of control Electric atmosphere to charge your soul
The movement grew to change the world Banners raised, freak flags unfurled Possibilities open to interpretations Underground rising across the nations
Inspired by listening to Joey Keithley of D.O.A. talk about travelling to their first show in San Francisco in 1980 (?). Some band members went by bus, another by train and a fourth by hitchhiking. D.O.A. were a pioneering band spreading their punk rock messages around the world. He said that at that time kids were ready for something, though they were not quite sure what it was.
Of course, there are other possible interpretations too.
I am so happy and grateful for all that I’ve achieved in my life so far. I am happy with the way I am. and the changes I have made throughout my life.
I took a walk over to Primary today and chatted with folks there and it’s still the same crazy nonsense as I when I was working there. One surprising thing to learn was about everyone’s dislike of Mike there now and not just because of his brownnosing ways but also passing on private information from their personal Farang teachers LINE group to the Thai teachers and, worst of all, fucking one of the Thai teachers.
Most of the other teachers know his wife so they are pretty upset about it. I know it’s not the first time for him either.
Anyway, hearing all this and all the other stuff from there made me appreciate not being there anymore. I feel good and relaxed today. Nice!
1994ever 