Tag: reflection

Fifty-Two Little Thoughts – 1st January 2025

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 11 Comments

The following poems were inspired by the Outcast and Other Words anthology which I came across sometime in 2024. I decided to take all the prompts from that anthology and see what I could come up with myself.
17th Sep 2025 – Shared with dVerse – reflections

1: Outcast

Duck Face

We outcasted ourselves by dissemination
Of the minutiae of every spit and cough
Sharing feeble insights and useless opinion
Considering a duck face meme be enough


2: Unearth

Deeper

When dug down deep enough
Through all the muddied ground
A sense formed from nothing
Unexpectedly found profound


3: Imperfect

The Perfect Image

A studied mirror finds the flaws
The qualities hindered by thought
Image is only imagination
Subconsciously learned and taught


4: Destiny

Stopped Dead

A tragic victim of fate or led astray by odd notions?
Either way, ended up beneath the roiling oceans
Or frozen solid on a parade to the mountaintop
Life lived in safety has already come to a stop


5: Gratitude

Crawl

Sparky Attitude, an ungrateful iconoclast
Demolished her own feeble castle keeps
An arrogant empire would neither share nor last
To a lonely future she limps and creeps


6: Wild

Innate

A heart race
As the tiger leapt
Covering me with all its grace
In his eyes kept
All the wonder
Of his beauty
All the danger of his threat


7: Remedy

Good Little Boys and Girls

Crush the little kiddy bones
Grip their brains to squeeze
Make a million homo-clones
Purely bred to please

Break the little baby brain
Mould until compliant
Not an atom must remain
Of any trace defiant


8: Candour

Home, James

Hello Frank, I’m Earnest
Let’s work to fix this joint
Blunt, direct and candid
Let’s just get to the point


9: Accidental

The Place Of Knowing

Was it an accident or fate?
Did destiny set me straight?
I fell off the path while going
To the place of finally knowing


10: Mimic

Bovell Rock

Show me the mould, I wanna break it
It’s a lovealution and we’re gonna make it
Put me in a box and I’ll find an escape
That’s the revolution we’re trying to shape

Inspired by Dennis Bovell


11: Guardian

Hold On

Hold on tight to the hallelujahs
Death creeps in ditches along the way
No protection on the road to perdition
When the drunk comes out to play

Inspired by a young friend of a friend who was suddenly killed by a drunk driver


12: Indecision

Designer

Wishing and waiting?
Thoughts and prayers?
Thin ice skating
A toy on the stairs

Get busy designing
With purpose and pliers
Lifetime defining
Lighting the fires


13: Light

All The Wrongs

Why the darkness, why the night
Where all the wrongs are told as right?
The world around wasn’t forced to fight
Let’s take a step towards the light


14: Fear

The Unfolding

Always made meaning
As the moment slipped away
Slowly unfolding


15: Intricate

Mandelbrot

The politics of time create confusion
All blame is built on past illusion
A cobweb mandala of contrived deceit
The circle of power remains incomplete


16: Colours

True

Don’t be afraid of the rainbow
Black and white is never true
That’s why the world makes you crazy
And only seeing blue

When it’s all too much to bear
Is when it’s time for you to show
When the darkness makes you small
The truth will help you grow


17: Emptiness

Firestarter


Just need a little juice to fill up the whole
A tiny spark to get some action-shifting
A combustion of the heart that you stole
To restock the emptiness of your gifting


18: Performance

Exit Stage Left

Get it together, this is your show
Your audience awaits with bated breath
To follow your story as you grow
And the curtain closes with your death


19: Abundance

Gurfa

Who can catch all the falling figs
Ripened and ready for your dreams?
All the water in the palm of your hand
Is never enough it seems


20: Resting

Spike

I told you I was ill
Perhaps it’s for the best
I just lie here still
To enjoy my final rest


21: Day and Night

A Perfect Contradiction

Waking in the morning was as if nothing had changed
Except that everything in life had been rearranged
Walking again into the night the patterns are all the same
What it was and what it is now has a different name


22: Secret Doorways

Wizards

The Internet is a collective hallucination
Trap doors hide the rabbit holes
Spiralling further away from reality
Over the rainbow and beyond controls


23: Taste

A Distinct Lack Of

Once the sweetness of success sets in
A bitter pill is like ingesting sin
Lazy complacency soon turns sour
A spicy life now mundane and dour


24: Shadows

Colourless

Life stamps out the artist
Imagination overruled by data
Needing money for survival
Has us working harder not smarter


25: Fragment

The Creases

Taking a thought and pulling it apart
Taking a heart and smashing it to pieces
A fragment pleases, a misunderstood art
An origami part, following the creases


26: Wishes

My Honest Pitch

Everything’s an ad, even the news
Propaganda spun to get more views
Everything’s and ad so here’s my pitch
Subscribe now if you want to get rich

27: Circle

The Newest Apocalypse

Fighting for breath, caught in the undertow,
Unplug from the drama, go with the flow
Another story that no one else needs to know
An ever-decreasing circle ready to be let go

Title taken from and poem inspired by The Stoa Letter email


28: Life

Guru Free

For life, always in search of a cure
But what is good is easy to get!
What is terrible, easy to endure!
Death hasn’t come for us yet

For a thousand years, this advice, free
Now sold by gurus for a mighty fee


29: Moonstruck, Ragtag & Wanderlust

My Three Sons

Such useless boys, always dreaming
Their twinkling eyes always gleaming
Awaiting their return, to see them again
Left as boys yet returned as men


30: Journey

Eulogy

Chuck me in the cheapest casket
Feed my flesh to the flames
Waste no time with weeping
Rejoice your reality remains


31: Nostalgia

The Cleaner

Without explanation let’s concoct a story
A dry tale to give the past some meaning
Wrap an old coat around to comfort
When these memories need spring cleaning


32: Reflection

The Weight Of A Seed

With the weight of a seed

Arrogance kept in his heart
His majestic glow darkens
His character torn apart

No matter his benevolence

The righteousness of his deeds
To hell, he will banished
For satisfying his own needs


33: Time

Sand

Time
Fourth dimension
Moments in trust
Let them all go
Infinite


34: Christmas

No Christmas

It’s a minority holiday
Needles drop from the old pine tree
Whatever Santa may say
Each year less present to see

It’s another year of pain
The glitter and glamour have faded
Each time coming around again
Until successfully evaded

To celebrate your own existence
Needs no manger of lights
Defy peer pressure insistence
There are no wrongs and rights


35: End of Year

Getting There

You’ll always have a seat
If you bring your own chair
Losing isn’t always beat
But shows you’re getting there


36: Begin

From The Off

If you want a happy ending
The peak that offers reward
Navigate the discomforts
The form found unexplored


37: Misgivings

The Fold

All my thinking folds in on itself*
To stand proud, solid and silent as the tree
A summer showing of greenest health
Conceals the winter dark inside of me

*https://tinyhearts.uk/2024/09/16/mowing/


38: Boundary

I Am Better

I didn’t bring a gun to a knife fight
I’ll not flash cash in a parade of wealth
I’m no better than you and no more right
I am only better than my past self


39: Delicious, Distasteful & Dimension

Moderation

A weekly wine goes down delicious
But any more would be distasteful
Visiting the drunken dimension
Throws up, to be overly wasteful


40: Afternoon Tea

The Puppet

The jar and jerk to the puppet
Are you in control of your action?
Cause yourself some calm
Sip from the cup of satisfaction


41: Weather

The Flood

Despite all our human progress
Streets ran with rivers of browny slime
Rising ever higher as if to impress
The power of nature not tempered by time


42: Revelation

The Four Divergents

Are we are righteous, acting out a virtue?
Or is there no other choice, no better outcome?
Or do we accept that this is the way of the world?
Or is this just a habit, the way we have become?

Which narrative will we use today
For each decision that comes into play?


43: Heartbeat

Flatline

There’s no time to stop, even to live
Pushed to the limit, something’s got to give
Pumping ugly muscle, pulse under pressure
Once busted it stays broken forever


44: Fallen

Stuck In Motion

If I wasn’t sitting down when the spin hit
The swirling vortex afore me would soon see me sat
Cartoon birds circle my head where I sit
Stuck in a motion that keeps me where I’m at


45: Spring

Poppy Theatre

From twisted dirt and tortured mud
Became the little field that could
Sprung the soft after the harden
The poppied theatre become the garden


46: Patience

The Wind Up

I wouldn’t wish me on anyone
Your patience put to the test
I’m in perpetual motion
You’ll never have chance to rest


47: Vibrant

Skipping School

A flourishing joy around a rope jump
Lush youth laughing and chasing
Hustle and bustle, the mad thrills pump
Energetic thoughts set hearts a-racing

Spirited shouts and sudden screaming
It’s an unharmonious harmonious noise
Fresh-faced fancies of everyday dreaming
Amongst the funky fires of the girls and boys


48: Glimpse

The Catch

We’re chasing rainbows in a clown car*
With common sense in the rearview mirror
Whilst catching a glimpse of the future
Where everything will become less clearer


49: Fortitude, Resolute & Epiphany

My Three Daughters

With my love, my daughters will grow up strong
With the wealth of the oil from the olive trees
They will rise from the ashes to where they belong
To return to their home from the river to the seas


50: Evergreen

Desire

To be rich does not require
Further addition to your stacks
When the removal of desire
Is easily the simplest tax


51: Raindrops

A Tiny Flood

Alone I cannot carry Noah
Sun soon evaporates my form
Together our mighty arms destructive
Hear the roar of our oncoming storm

Dissolved into the terrible power
Lost in the crowd of the ocean
Until it’s my time to rise again
A never-ending circular motion


52: Emergence

Ideas That Don’t Exist

You don’t exist yet
No form but aspiring
Struggle to germinate
To break the seed skin
A sprout to be set
New growth inspiring
Hollow bricks gestate
A weapon within

On Anger – 12th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Why is it cold in winter?
Why do I get sick at sea?
And why the hell do the people
In the street keep jostling me?

Today I did some things wrong
And maybe I got some things right
What can I do better next time
I’ll reflect on that each night

inspired and borrowed from Seneca

Today I’m feeling:

Good. A little nervous to get back into the classroom but it will be good to get back to it for the last five or so weeks of the semester.

Today I’m grateful for:

My step ladder and broom that allowed me to get to the leaves on the coverings of the outbuildings so that I could clean them up a little. If I want to complete the job I need to get up on the roof again. Not sure I’m quite ready for that adventure.

The best thing about today was:

My mind. From waking til bedtime my mind has been happily occupied with restful and positive thoughts. I even stopped myself a couple of times and thought ‘hey, I feel good!’ Could it be down to a good eight or nine-hour sleep? Can I convince my brain to get eight hours more often as perhaps my aim of seven hours is not serving me best?

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

All good today perhaps because I have been thinking about my classes tomorrow and how to counter the risk of them getting out of control. I’m not sure I’ve done enough but tomorrow will tell the tale.

Something I learned today?

Yesterday I learned that there is no border crossing between Turkey and Armenia. Something to do with the two countries not having good relations though I don’t know why.

Today I read Fukuyama’s The End of History essay which was written in 1989. It was an interesting read that in hindsight has perhaps been proven not to be quite as predicted. I would like to see his reflection on it now.

What brings my life meaning and purpose?

My thoughts are the only things that can bring my life meaning and purpose. My thoughts may drive me to action and those actions will be assigned meaning and purpose by my thoughts. And my actions and thoughts will be assigned meaning and purpose by others, though they may not be the same.

I took this picture because this is the friendly happy cute dog at the shop next to Utopia where I’m getting LardNa for lunch before heading to Daytripper again to hang out for the afternoon.

Sure – 24th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Why does what you believe make you so mad?
If something else was true would it really be so bad?
So angry at the skies you take it out on the clouds
So oblivious to yourself as you fight amongst the crowds

Was it something that you lost that others took away?
Did someone take their ball so that you couldn’t play?
Divided we are conquered, that’s the way it’s been
Let’s celebrate our diversity to realise our dream

When looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now.

Joseph Campbell

Today I’m feeling:
Dozy and happy
Today I’m grateful for:
The coconut lip balm I have. I think I’m missing something in my diet that is causing me dry lips and this balm works wonders.
The best thing about today was:
The brilliant 4-hour afternoon nap I had. It was a light sleep and could feel myself enjoying it! Sounds played on my thoughts and influenced my semi-lucid state. I didn’t want it to end!
If you could be a character from a book or film, who would you be? Why?
This answer would change over time. I identify a lot with Dostoevsky’s Underground Man but that is a me from the past. I recognise the thoughts but no longer think like that. Me, now? I don’t know. Alice? As I often contemplate the wonder in the world around me.
…I realise I’m reading the question wrong. If I could be a character…. I suppose when reading a good book or watching a great movie you become the characters in them. If I could choose though…? I’m struggling to think of an answer. I think it may pop into my head when I come across it in the future. Perhaps I’ll return to this question then.

I took this picture because this is the valley I live in. My house is near the mountains there on the horizon to the right. Behind me are mountains on the other side of the valley, a similar distance away. Zooming in you can see three levels of mountains with smaller valleys in between, places where I’ve ridden my bike around many times. Now I’m enjoying the discovery of the big wide valley. It’s beautiful and I’m lucky and grateful and can’t believe I’ve ended up here.

The Bull Remains – 30th September 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

The rain makes the dragonflies dance
Across the green rice field sea
Stalks quivering under droplets weight
Bent to the breeze in a quiet tango
Four rainbows beam from the mountain
Tin rooves announcing progress
Animals seek out shelter
Yet the bull remains, unamused

4th Sep 2024 – Submitted to Moonwashed Weekly Prompt

In recent seasons of being, I have had occasion to reflect on the utterly improbable trajectory of my life, plotted not by planning, but by living.

Carl Jung

For vinyl pre-order: cowman.bandcamp.com/album/slaughter

Hand-numbered limited edition of 50. The first 10 include a copy of “Eye”, a handwritten and numbered book (handmade in Nepal) of aphorisms and poems.

For tape release (available soon): cruelnaturerecordings.bandcamp.com

Everyone involved in this release:
cowman.bandcamp.com/album/slaughter
cojurecords.wordpress.com
cruelnaturerecordings.bandcamp.com
www.inguerecords.com/cowman.html

released September 30, 2022

Recorded and mixed at the Slaughterhouse
January-February 2022
Mastered masterfully by Carl Saff

♥Juju, Steve, Cruel Nature, Lucie, Audrey, Gyeong-ryeong, Fai, George, birdbath, Ingue, Simon, Shaun, Tenzenmen, Seb, Dan, James, Tong-ann, Yuting, EBSN and my Mum

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and relaxed.
Today I’m grateful for:
The coconut shop that makes delicious iced coconut water drinks. They are delicious but disappear too quickly like good things are supposed to.
The best thing about today was:
As I was walking to the coconut shop a school van pulled up, the door opened and I heard ‘teacher!’ and it was my student Baipad, who I found out lives next door but one to Black Smooth cafe. I think there are a couple of other students in my village but Baipad is the first I’ve actually seen around and all because I decided to walk instead of going by motorbike.

I took this picture because it was only by chance that I saw these strange star-shaped flowers on this cactus. Pretty and pretty interesting.

Slow It Down – 9th August 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Luckily I don’t need to be chasing bucks,
I can breathe through stressless days;
I’m not surrounded by some useless fucks
who always listens to what someone else says.

I’m not nostalgic for the weekend gone
and not living for the one that’s coming,
Today is the day to get things done,
I’d rather savour the walk than running.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my dreams – for my dream last night which I know was stimulating and interesting though right now it is out of reach again. I do remember meeting my favourite student, Cake, and she was happy to see me again.

The weekend made me so tired because I like to stay up late watching TV and then reading before going to sleep. Yesterday, Sunday, I went to bed at 7.30, read until 9 and couldn’t understand what I was reading, so went to sleep.

Sometimes I long for those days of finishing school on Friday, partying with friends, bumming around without direction, making our own mischief until Sunday evening came and the weekly bath indicated that that time was gone.

Amy has the possibility to go to the UK to work with Bookie, and it has got me wondering about returning to the UK. Also, Rupert is living in Holt now and is contemplative of how, no matter how much he travelled, he has ended up back close to where he started. Is that our destiny?

Sometimes I miss winter, but feel confident that going through another one would cure me of it!

We got that attitude! – 4th January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the few acquaintances I have here in Chiang Rai.

To-do list

  • Work out what you can do for First and JJ as a leaving present ½
  • More drawing
  • Another remix and Ableton learning ½
  • What can I do for Amy?

2020 has been a rough year for most people and I also lost one of my closest friends but in general things have gone very well for me. The sporadic nature of recent entries has shown that I haven’t needed to put down so much of my thoughts onto paper. There was also a dip near the end of the year where I realised that perhaps I should be writing out more as I still struggle to let go of things without this process of writing. Perhaps it is just the way I have learned to do it.

So I hope to get back to this a little more regularly – starting off slowly though – just once a week – aiming for every Monday at the moment.

Damn – reading my entry for this date last year has reminded me how quickly this last 12 months has gone. Also that some things I was guilty of then I am still guilty of now i.e. I’m still a little lazy around the house – I am often just thinking of what I want to do when I get home from work and not thinking much about Amy and what she would like to do.

I like to relax on my bed of nails, that’s one thing that almost never fails – 29th July 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Nothing stays the same, though we always try and force it. Is this the start of the pandemic era as some people are predicting? What is the ‘new normal’ and is it really any different to before?

I feel very lucky. After leaving the UK in 1994 my life, on reflection, has been a lucky and happy rollercoaster ride. Even the bottoms of the ride felt survivable, perhaps because at least there wasn’t a cold grey rain spitting in my face. Perhaps there were occasions where it didn’t feel survivable at that moment, but luckily I did, and so I have the possibility to reflect.

My journey is my own and my pronouncements can only be based on that experience, my judgements for myself, so take them with a pinch of salt. I did bad things, good things, stupid things, smart things. I see others doing the same. Who am I to judge?

I have definitely changed over the last 6 months and I’m not sure why. Or I should say, I’m not sure specifically why. I have implemented lots of minor habit changes and behaviour modifications and perhaps it is an accumulation of minor positive changes that have made the difference. So I can’t put it down to meditating, exercising or journalling specifically.

I decided to get up 45 minutes earlier than I need to in order to get to work. In that time I follow a flexible routine. I keep it flexible because I shouldn’t punish myself for not following it consistently.

First I use my exercise bands to help open up my shoulders and stretch my calves. Probably only a couple of minutes total. Next, I spend 5 to 10 minutes doing tests on my language apps (Drops and Mondly) – the aim is to break my current daily streak, learn some new words, possibly remember those words and reinforce this habit. The idea behind this is to create a sense of achievement as soon as possible in the morning and this sets you up for the rest of the day.

Next, I lay on the floor and stretch out my back, neck and hamstrings. A warm-up stretch more than anything, no more than a couple of minutes again. Just brushing off the tightness left over from sleep.

Then I use an app called Home Workout and all I do is the 5-minute morning warm-up exercise, 10 exercises to get your body moving and your heart rate raised just slightly. I may move onto harder exercise routines later but I’m not in any hurry. I follow this with 30 squats and 20 tip-toe stretches (I have real problems with my feet).

If there is time, I write some ‘morning pages’ – whatever thoughts are piling through my head, though I’ve found that usually I don’t write much because I am sitting ‘trying’ to think of things to write. I often try to recall my dreams at this point. Whatever, it’s not a journal, it’s barely legible, it’s spat out quickly and forgotten – not really meant to be read again in the future. This habit is 2-5 minutes max.

Finally, I’ll meditate (this is when my brain suddenly starts coming up with the random thoughts!). I use the Smiling Mind app which has plenty of free meditations and I don’t know if I often get into a real meditative state but I want to do it just for practice. Doing it over and over again puts smaller chunks of information into my brain that I can utilise during the day, when not meditating as such. In this way, it is a success. Perhaps it has taught me to just pause sometimes before opening my mouth. Taking a deep breath before heading into a difficult class.

I usually meditate between 5 and 10 minutes and mostly they are guided meditations. Once there gets to be longer periods of silence I still struggle with keeping focus on breath or letting go of thoughts, but that’s the reason to practice, right? I also have been laying on a spiky massage mat whilst doing this and that has been great. Much like a bed of nails. It makes me wonder why I like it? Do I like discomfort, do I find comfort in pain? Do I feel some sense of achievement to be able to survive it? I don’t know if there is any scientific study around physiological benefits of this type of thing but I just know that I like it!

Finally, a shower and breakfast and it’s off to work. Following this routine 5 days a week seems to be having a positive effect on my happiness and calm. I wouldn’t put it down to any one of the habits specifically or even them all together. Sometimes it can just be the action, the doing, that provides the benefit. For years I’ve implored friends to just ‘Do Something’ usually for a larger cause. Now I’m starting to understand that whilst I was doing something for a larger cause it also had the side effect of benefitting myself.

I was going to write about how the Covid-19 virus has affected my life teaching at school and what the ‘new normal’ of that looks like. Fortunately for me, it has meant lots of free time, drinking coffee in the morning, sitting by the river. This situation won’t last forever. I won’t last forever. I enjoy it whilst I can.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my energy and enthusiasm. When Dylan called in sick today I was ready to go teach for him.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #43 – 20th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

This week there’s music from Outside In, Deerhoof, PFM, The Small Faces, This Heat, Debile Menthol, Quizz Kidz, Magma, MC5, Lightning Bolt, The Vibrators, Unsane and The Shades.

Brain Dump

Fed cats but forgot to check KimChi didn’t eat Cap’s food. Cap’s so lovely – follows Amy everywhere. So fluffy and gentle. Kim teases him all the time and Tigger seems to hate him! Which cat am I? Tigger the hater – Kim the teaser – Cap the gentle. Which do I want to be. Of course. Be like Cap.

Half Man Half Biscuit on mental jukebox. On the ‘roids. Five-minute workout. Feels good but not yet inspiring enough to do a 10 or 20-minute workout. Don’t need to push it anyway.

I read – can I act on it? Practical things yes, but mental things? The result of performing practical things will bring me towards the mental things. I will spend my whole life doing this.

Ache in shoulder. Cateran. *

Time to watch a movie today? So many great movies. Sometimes feel like I don’t have time or concentration to watch movies anymore but that’s not really true. Painkillers or not today? Aching eye – tired from screens probably. Do eye exercises?

*reference to The Cateran song Ache from the album of the same name. I believe the line sung is ‘ache in clover’.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for getting out of bed with my alarm this morning and doing my morning routine when I could have ignored it completely. I feel good for it.

To-do list

  • Get up and do your routine – no excuse ✅
  • Drill and put up pictures ✅
  • Sort out visa in the afternoon
  • Find yoga video and Jordan Yeoh (?) video
  • More blog posts ✅

Easy day but went too fast. I pushed myself to wake up and get up this morning and did about 90% of my usual routine.

Went for coffee, watched the Swans game, went to Big C for lunch and shopping. Feel pretty good today.

Reading some old diary entries from 1994 seems to show me that I understood many of the things I’m going through now back then. Feels like even after all that time I still didn’t learn from it. I’m not beating myself up over it – just noticing. I need to stop thinking and reading and start doing.

Sleep in safety – 14th January 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

After my last night shift ended on Friday morning I managed to force myself to stay awake until about 5pm, with the aid of cheap coffees from the local service station.  I chucked down a couple of Panadeine in the hope they would ensure I didn’t wake up wide awake at 2am and they worked a treat.  I’d forgotten to take my alarm setting off from last week so I was gently awoken at 5.50am to a mellow Beastie Boys tune.  I picked up the phone and noticed Amy had sent a message whilst I was asleep.  The message was a little disconcerting:

“If I died tomorrow just do what you want to do OK.  Life is just today we don’t know what will happen.”

I still wanted to sleep some more but these words tumbled in and out of my consciousness.  What motivated these words with no context at all?  There was nothing I could do to answer this question right now and eventually I fell back to sleep for a few more hours.

Later she called me after she had just woken up.  She sounded sleepy but happy.  I asked her about her message and she told me she’d received some bad news about her school friend Fah.

I’ve met Fah a few times on previous visits to Thailand.  An attractive girl who loves to eat and drink in nice places and works for Thai Airways.  Last year she complained of stomach aches and went to the doctor to have some tests done.  They discovered she had cancer and that it was quite advanced already but still hoped to be able to treat it with chemotherapy.  She started that treatment but was often not healthy enough to be able to do it.  The bad news came this week that they found the cancer advanced to her pancreas and that is was untreatable.  She might only have 6 more months to live.  6 months ago she was fine (as far as she knew).

Amy said Fah’s parents were with her at the hospital in Bangkok and I mentioned how tragic it is for a parent to have to watch their child in pain and to lose them.  Amy told me that Fah’s only sibling, her brother, was killed in a car crash years ago when he was just 11 years old.

I thought of my mother and how I hoped that she wouldn’t have to go through anything like this.  She already lost her husband, my father, when I was just 18 months old.  I thought of my son and how I hoped that I wouldn’t have to go through anything like this too.

Amy and I agreed that she should go and visit Fah as soon as possible.   There’s nothing one can do, nothing one can say, except to give each other comfort.

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—

It’s interesting to be posting my old diary entries – I haven’t read them since they were written.  I can look back at certain events with a more distant eye and reflect on what my true motivations were at the time and ultimately how trivial they seem now that they are in the past.  It was so serious to me at the time.  I guess that’s the wisdom of age.

Right now though, I’m struggling with concentration and direction.  I can’t get all my thoughts out quick enough and will have to come back and try again tomorrow.