Tag: relationship

Already Dead – 4th June 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 6 Comments

Slowly sipping on iced lemon teas
Savouring the freshness of the breeze
– Who will prepare the food to bring?
– Who will push and pull the swing?

Feet put up and nestled with a read
Imagining there’s nothing else to need
– Who will make sure the dog is fed?
– Who is gonna bake the daily bread?

When the body is settled in for rest
And doing nothing then becomes a test
– Who will ensure the grass is mown?
– And cut the trees that are overgrown?

Dreaming of more of these lazy days
Wondering what the bee to the flower says
– Who’s gonna counter the middle-aged spread?
– The time to sleep is when you’re dead

Submitted to No Theme Thursday picture prompt. The title borrowed from Crass.

Today I’m feeling:

Tired, dizzy and upset.  I slept very badly, waking at 4 am thinking about Amy and how I haven’t been supportive enough of her.

I was remembering that I had written that when Amy returned from Australia it would be good for her to get some business going and every time we have talked about it it has just felt impossible, in that it feels like it would be too much work for too little return.

Along with the many events since she got back, Grandmum passing, her brother’s wedding (and various issues that that has raised) and friends visiting, it hasn’t really but been easy for her to focus on starting a business too.

But now I feel that this may be able to focus her attention away from sitting around at home and brewing and stewing about things going on.

I started to wonder if one of the reasons that I am generally happier is because I am busy all the time.  I don’t have time to think about the little annoying things that bother me.  Maybe Amy needs that distraction.

I wanted to talk to her this morning about this but she is very grumpy and short with me.  When I asked what was wrong she just said that it was her problem and no one else could help her.  She said it’s nothing about me, that I do everything right, I’m a good husband and she needs to be by herself.

Of course, that could mean anything.  Will she leave again?  Will she leave for good?

I’m really upset about all this but still have to keep my head for work at school.  I’d rather be sleeping and not having to think about all this.  Wild scenarios are playing out in my head and none of them are particularly good.

Today I’m grateful for:

My umbrella.  For my last class (grade 10s) I gave a brief overview of two pieces of work that I wanted them to do, whilst at the same time we would go to the gym to watch one of the students playing volleyball.  Just as we arrived there though the game finished.

I sent the work to our chat group and most of them started doing it whilst a few seemingly slipped away (but I will catch them!).  As they started working though, a huge storm came and flooded the school and also trapped us in the gym on the other side of the football pitch.  We were stuck there for about an hour and I helped everyone who was having difficulty (and I’m chasing those who got away now this evening).

Having planned ahead and bringing my umbrella I made my way back across the field and into the flood! Some kids were trying their best to stay dry whilst others took advantage of the slippery playground and dived headlong across the basketball court.

The best thing about today was:

A poem that I wrote today.  Somewhat inspired by events as written here, it was a challenge to write using lots of metaphors and I feel like I did it well.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Not being in the best of moods I struggled with my first class (grade 8s) this morning as they were unfocussed and doing their very best to wind me up.  I ended up choosing a group of about ten boys, some of who were messing around and I asked them to leave.  Things were a bit easier after that though still a struggle.

I sent a message to their homeroom teacher and deducted 5 points from everyone for their disrespect and then tried to forget about it.

Looking back at old entries here I can see that I have said before that it seems that each year’s students seem to be less and less able (generally speaking) and so it seems this year.  I am teaching out of a book that I used with grade 7s a couple of years ago and many of these grade 8s just look at me bewildered!

I had texted a message to Amy earlier with what I wrote above in the What I’m Feeling section and when I got home she was very upset at what she perceived as an attack on her.  Whilst that was not my intention at all I listened as she finally started to open up and get things off her chest.

(Reading back what I wrote I don’t really see an attack on her (of course we all perceive things differently) and I was really just thinking out loud because there was no communication at all last night)

As she was talking I thought perhaps I have misunderstood some things – particularly when it comes to her happiness.  She tells me that she is happy with things at home, with us but not with the things that she can’t control such as the family issue and dealing with the bullshit builder.

I said that I thought that she was unhappy because of all these things and always talking about returning to Australia.  So perhaps I misread some of this and so she took affront at me trying to find ways to keep her busy.

She is a very good homemaker, a great cook and takes care of most everything around the house and I certainly appreciate that about her.  I do not want her to leave me here again for a long period of time if it’s possible.  Yes, we can both survive by ourselves but I was only happy doing that knowing that we were still together, talking every day and supporting each other.

Amy says that I am very involved with my work and students and perhaps that is something that I need to pull back from somewhat. I know that whilst Amy was away I put all my love into little Kim Chi and all my heart into my work.  Now that she’s here again I need to shift my focus back to her.

We are both still upset and ruminating but at least some talking has happened and we both understand each other a little better.

Something I learned today?

I was chatting with Lin and though she was frustrated that she couldn’t say everything that she wanted in English she did very well. I suggested that next year she change to the English Program but then she told me that her parents want her to be a doctor.

I asked her what she wanted to be and she semi-seriously said a K-pop idol.  I asked if she could sing and she sang me a little song. I then asked her about dancing and she said she could but she was too shy to demonstrate.

When I suggested that being shy won’t help her to be an idol she changed her mind to be a gangster’s wife!

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I chide myself for my selfishness and lack of understanding of the person closest to me in my life.

I chide myself for a lack of imagination and taking things for granted when it comes to taking care of our relationship.

Scientists Baffled – 11th April 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

A girl with x-ray vision
A complex cityscape sketcher
A guy who doesn’t feel the cold
A contortionist rubber-boy stretcher

Everything can be explained
But that will never get clicks
Scientists baffled is the headline
From the bag of dirty media tricks

Inspired by yet another justified Brian Dunning rant at Skeptoid
17th May 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – Headline

Today I’m feeling:

A bit agitated, deflated and flat today.  Also, despite a drop in temperature (though not very significant) my body feels hotter than usual.

I got an hour or so of planning done this morning and perhaps having to do all this preparation is playing on my mind a little too.

I should also mention that last week I started taking a couple of multivitamins, a couple of resveratol and a couple of creatine supplements.

I am still cynical about their effectiveness in general but consider that I may be lacking certain things in my diet as I have been eating less for the last year or two.

So I’m not sure if it is because of the supplements or because it’s holiday time but I do feel like I have more energy and also feel less sleepy and tired.  I guess I’ll find out more about their effectiveness when I get back into the swing of school again.

Today I’m grateful for:

The odd job man, recommended by Amy’s friend Hangie, who was as good as his word and came on time, replaced our roof tile (though not sure how securely!) and propped up our fence (which is definitely a temporary thing) at the corner of the garden.  He only wanted 100 baht too.  We gave him 200.

The best thing about today was:

Nothing in particular.  My mood and energy picked up a little by the evening but not to the point of any real inspiration.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My mood was weird and unexplainable today.  It wasn’t anything out of control just a general lack.  Handled by soldiering on through the day.

Something I learned today?

My old student Kamboom will be in M4 (grade 10) next year (already!).  She got top grades last year – she’s a good student, for sure.  She wants to learn Japanese now.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

A lot of nice chats with a few of my grade 7 students just to check in to see how they are doing.

Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

Besides our love for each other, which goes beyond our minor niggles with having lived together for 15 years or more, the first thing to mention is the love we have for our cats.

As we commemorate little Kim’s passing one year ago this week, we stress and worry about old man Cappuccino.

All our cats have gone through phases of being healthy and happy with periods of sick and sorry.  Tigger seems to be in his healthy phase at the moment and has no complications from having HIV.  We know when he doesn’t feel well because he usually never refuses food, fat furry fuck that he is!

For some reason, he has started talking more and become more affectionate recently.  Maybe he knows that something is up with Cap and is trying to tell us?

Another thing that we have in common is our understanding of fidelity.

We both know that if we stray then that is the end of ‘us’.  That suits us both.

I personally don’t believe in fidelity for everyone, or perhaps even at all.  It doesn’t seem quite natural.  It is a construct of our society. But it is something that I believe in doing for myself because I grew up in this society.

The third thing that we have in common is our way of thinking.  I guess this follows on from the more specific issue of fidelity.

In our relationship, we are completely understanding of each other’s interests and passions and happily let each other indulge in them alone.  Where many couples insist on being together all the time, we have never subscribed to putting each other through the tortures of enduring things like my music or her love of dancing to English 90s pop!

Since I’ve stopped drinking so much this has made it a little difficult for us to go together for a night out though I do submit from time to time.

I took this picture because I’m hoping that some of these mangoes get to their full potential this year.  The whole tree is sprouting like never before. But a couple already got blown off by the storms over the last couple of nights.

You need some kickin’, not just sittin’ – 28th August 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Busy day ahead but ready for it. Slept in the same position most of the night – must be tired out. Slept deep and well though – feel good – full workout this morning, proud of myself.

I do a lot – sometimes too much but the thing is that ‘I do’. Do something.

Gratitude Journal

I’m so happy and grateful for my deep sleep last night. I feel good.

To-do list

  • Keep that positive energy buzzing ✅
  • Full workout in the morning ✅
  • Compliments and awards ½
  • Blog posts and TCRAH recording on Sunday ✅

School on Friday was busy and rewarding. I had to take time out to talk to one student, Aon, because he was disturbing other students. He’s a good kid, pretty smart, but he can’t stop talking. After several warnings, I asked him to leave. He didn’t want to and I told him that’s OK if he’s not interested in my lesson but there are other students who are and he is stopping them from learning.

It was nice to see that everyone picked up on the gravity of this little time out. The rest of the class was fun.

Saturday afternoon Amy and I went to Mae Sai. I could feel that Amy wasn’t quite her usual happy self – but unhappy but a little sharp and direct in her conversation. She was happy again as we arrived at the market and quickly got to shopping and headed off to Chiang Saen for pizza. It was starting to get dark and I had a splitting headache.

At one point I went the wrong way and Amy got a little upset because I stopped and looked at Google Maps because I wanted to understand exactly where we were. She was right and I turned round and went in the right direction. The conversation died as I struggled to see the road but I wasn’t going to let Amy’s bad feelings affect me. I enjoyed listening to music and drove a little slower because I wanted to hear more.

Amy warmed up a little by the time we got home but I think by then we were both worn out and went to bed and to sleep. I was happy with the way I handled the situation and didn’t escalate any bad feelings. After all, it was only a slight issue. I think we understand each other well and we know our own, and each other’s, faults and behaviours very well.

Some might feel that our relationship is boring and stale but I think we are happy and understanding. I love this relationship so much.

Today (Sunday) I was happy to record two podcasts and sort out all sorts of little bits and pieces in my room. I’ll have to sort out those little annoying ants in there soon.

My days feel full but mostly without stress. I have lots of things I want to do but know I could drop dead tomorrow – really there’s no rush. It’s pretty insignificant in the scheme of things. I’m just happy to do what I’m doing whether it is interesting or not. I’m happy with this attitude.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #23 – 1st February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Music from 65daysofstatic, Stormy Six, The Controllers, Kerosene 454, Jawbreaker, Die! Die! Die!, Death, Minutemen, Beefeater, Red Cross, Necros, Hanadensha, Versus, Au Pairs, The Paper Chase, Blast, Soul Inc.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see my friend Fern again.

Take a good hard look at people’s ruling principle, especially of the wise, what they run away from, and what they seek out.

Marcus Aurelius

Weight: 80.3kg
Resting heart rate: 44

To-do list

  • Record TCRAH/upload. ½
  • Put together card for Kru Noon.
  • Do more drawing practice.
  • Do the Coursera meditation. ✅
  • Enjoy evening with Amy, Aing and Gus.

Well, looking at these five challenges it seems like I didn’t do much yesterday!

I did spend a bit more time reading as I was diving into the book about a girl’s abduction and trying to imagine myself in her position. I wanted to try to write down being there and all the thoughts going through my mind.

Later, I compared it with being a prisoner within your own mind – a place we can never escape.

I sorted out more CDs and feel that that task is getting closer to completion.

By the evening and time to go out, I was feeling very relaxed and happy.

As we were driving to the evening festival Amy got upset because I didn’t drive the way, the direction, she wanted. Her anger got more and more and I felt very embarrassed in front of Aing, Gus and Nu. There was no real need for it and I tried to brush it off as best I could.

Unfortunately, I was only able to do this for a short time until I felt sadness and anger too. I had to go and sit by myself for 5 minutes and calm my mind. I felt better when I returned but by then I was exhausted. Amy had a few beers and was happy though I was worried that she would drink too much and start getting violent with me again.

Things were ok though Amy was getting louder and I just felt like I wanted to be somewhere quiet. The noise of the festival was relentless, from every direction and incoherent. It gave me a headache. I tried to constantly talk myself in a positive headspace but it just got worse as Amy loudly tried to put me down in front of the others again. I couldn’t/didn’t want to have an argument in front of others and Amy knew this and used it to her advantage.

We got home and things had calmed down until Amy came and started on me again. I was tired and cranky by this point and bit back and we went to sleep unhappy with each other. I feel like there is something else behind this behaviour, not just a desire to try and control me.

I’d like to talk with Amy about this but will have to find the right time and try not to just get into another argument.

Something else that has been bothering me is Amy always talking about how all the money is with her and everything is in her name. At first, it was just a bit of fun but I’m not amused anymore. It feels like a fascist hold over me. I’m ok for her to take care of all that stuff but I don’t need reminding of it every week.

Again, I think Amy is not happy these days and doing these actions to compensate. I’d just like to see her happy and positive again – preferably without alcohol.