I’ve had enough and I want to quit after looking at what I created; Seeing what the useless humans have done with it and all their stupidity aggregated!
I gave the chance of pleasure and peace and slowly evolved their brains; But the endless wars that never cease means that little of beauty remains;
I’m wasting time being worshipped you’ve all forgotten my intention; Your happiness can’t be purchased there is no final redemption;
The seeds of wisdom planted within but humanity always wanted more; It was pretty simple to begin but now I don’t know what it’s for?
I’m done with this, I’ve thought it through I think I’ll make another extinction! Start again with a better cosmic brew and a better book of fiction!
God gave us the excuse to kill, where our humanity must prevail A long time coming, but coming still, the realisation of the holy grail;
When the blood has dried from our hands we may wash clean our broken hearts; When each and every one of us understands standing together is the sum of our parts.
I am born of the magic blood and God made his promises to me; Envy and hatred are my razors, the disease of nations lurches towards a final solution.
I’ll not fight for your freedom when there’s still history to be written; Blessed for one thousand years, one thousand years nearer to a final solution.
Rough drafts scratched with dead desires;* my maps are majestic cities in the mud; The great insignificance, smaller than a secret must not be told to a reliable witness of the final solution.
Now settled in for the greatest joyful genocide Where evil is no longer ashamed to hide Death and mutilation a spectacle cheered No prayers answered or conscience cleared
A playground of rubble where the children lay slain Brothers mop up the body parts that remain Rag-dolled and ruined by murderous intent Fires fanned by despair of the innocent
A holy hand grenade signed and sent with a laugh Floating ashes never find peace on this path This fertile ground may never satisfy the beast Once the Great Satan has been unleashed
Last night I woke up sometime in the middle of the night with my brain running. This has happened for two nights in a row but last night it was much more difficult to get back to sleep.
A few days ago, I decided to cut the Tramadol tablet in half to try and cut down and maybe give myself a break from taking it for a while to see how I feel. And last night I thought that this was perhaps what had caused me to wake up because this waking up with my mind running hasn’t happened since I started taking Tramadol.
I will see how it is tonight and go from there. I’ve been incredibly calm and content since taking Tramadol but still curious if I can be that way without it.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Boom, my grade 12 student. We were studying the IELTS Speaking exam about technology and a main question was about how your life would be different without your most precious item of tech.
To demonstrate I took Boom’s phone and put it in my back pocket and asked her how she felt. After she finished, I purposely didn’t give it back, which she accepted well.
I carried on talking with other students for about 20 minutes and she only once play-whined,’ Teacher – my phone…’ but I still held on to it.
Once I’d finished talking, I opened the camera app on her phone and walked around the classroom taking random photos. Everyone was laughing and Boom took it all in her stride.
In the evening, I asked her if she had any good pictures from today and she sent me this one:
The best thing about today was:
The whole class mentioned above was a pleasure to teach again. A fair few students were missing, which made it even easier to get more personal interactions.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The downside of those missing students is that they missed the prep for work required for next week. Well, nothing I can do about that.
Also, in my grade 8 class, I have them reading in groups of 4 and Ten has not been prepared to do anything to help himself, so I put pressure on his group that if I grade the group it will be to the lowest scorer amongst them.
I know this will have a negative effect in that it will make the group members think even less of Ten than they already do but I want to demonstrate to them that this is what happens in real life. The weakest person lets down the whole team.
Something I learned today?
I learned a whole lot about semi-fake mobile game ads, why they are made and how they are implemented. It was a head-shaking experience.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
I talked a little with grade 8 student Film today, as he has cut himself off from Ten and No, as they are not really fulfilling his expectations of friendship. I’m just conscious that last year he came to me to discuss his mental health and I don’t want him to be so isolated and cut himself off from everyone. It’s a weird group of kids in that class for sure. I like them all, except for Ten.
Two easy and fun classes where the grade 10s were teaching me how to improve my pronunciation. I let them make fun of my pronunciation so that they don’t feel too bad when I correct their English. I did some reading with them and was quite happy to see them trying and not just looking to me to tell them. I really wish that I had more time to be able to do that with them individually or in pairs.
The best thing about today was:
It was another all-around good day without one thing being better than another.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Likewise to above, anything that was out of my control didn’t get in my way today.
Something I learned today?
I should probably stop reading about the genocide of the Palestinians. It’s frustrating and inhumane. Of course, there is nothing I can do about it but at least know that if there is evil in the world it is openly on display by the Zionists. Religion, whilst preaching goodness and acceptance continues to do exactly the opposite.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Giving lots of encouragement to my grade 10 students and support to my grade 7s. Even though the 7s are still a little distracted they can get back to it if I keep shepherding them. I can see some friend group dynamics shifting a little in that class too. It will be interesting to follow.
Who do I trust the most, and why?
Obviously, this is Amy. Now we have shared 15 years of our lives together and have a deep sense of trust in each other. Our actions have proven that. Whether we are in the same country or not, we trust each other.
I am generally quite trusting of others, though also have a reasonably good radar about people. I like to think that most people are good and decent and I am also prepared to be let down.
Baipad took this picture because I asked her to take a selfie of the fursuit head that she is making. She reckons she can sell these for 150 USD! That’s wild. She’s a little critical of her work because she lacks confidence. She’s only 14 and her skills will only get better and better.
In the battle between one god And this supreme being’s two sets of believers Each arguing that they were doing good And that the others were purely deceivers
These good deeds involved massacring Those that believed the same thing Killing more of each other than those That hated what some good deeds might bring
More than the Romans ever threw to the lions Over the space of three hundred years In just one day thousands lay dead And the Pope rejoiced with glorious tears
The irony seems to be lost on some When their books said to live and let live Only humans could twist the words of their god And make it part of their dogma to forgive
Inspired by a section of Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari dealing with religion. 1st Apr 2024 – Submitted to My Vivid Blog
Today I’m feeling:
I’m zonked out today. I went to bed around one thirty last night and I knew I was dog tired but still felt like I was in a good mood and should be doing things. I knew it wasn’t the best idea though and fell asleep quickly in the end. I got up late this morning and felt pretty good but by about lunchtime, I was crashing. I just ran out of energy.
Today I’m grateful for:
Yes’s album Drama, which I listened through twice as I crashed out through the afternoon on the sofa. I drifted in and out of consciousness as did the music. At times it made me think of the 70s and 80s, the Old Grey Whistle Test and listening to John Peel late at night. I can’t recall any of the music, even just a couple of hours later but I know I enjoyed it. I’ll listen to it again soon.
The best thing about today was:
Getting into bed early and getting a message from my student Jet that she was having problems at home with her mum and stepdad. I tried to understand as best I could and gave her my support. Jet is a very funny, smart but lazy, tomboy that speaks her mind and has a lot of bravado but as with any kid around 12-15 has her own insecurities and hers is whether her parents love her. Her mum and dad split a couple of years ago after her dad cheated and no doubt her mum was shocked and sad, and now with a new man living in the house there must be all sorts of conflicting emotions at play for everyone. Sadly, a lot of kids are facing situations like this. I wonder if it is spurring on the popularity of lesbian relationships here. Girls are seeing how badly their mothers get treated and then forgive and remain subservient to men and they’re deciding that’s not what they want in their lives but they still want love. Anyway, the reason this was the best thing that happened today was Jet’s response of ‘Thanks for listening, you’re the best teacher and I love you! ‘ That warmed my heart though I did remind her that I am not perfect either!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My energy levels, handled by sleep! I think I just get so exhausted during the week at school and whilst still buzzing on the Friday, it all comes crashing down on the weekend. That’s not to say I didn’t get anything done or feel down. I’ll bounce back.
Something I learned today?
Apparently, there was a report out of Cambridge University Press that China is no longer communist but runs a free market, controlled capitalist system and that at the same time, the USA is becoming an increasingly authoritarian system. In my lifetime the world has turned upside down but I still know where to stand.
What are some simple pleasures that bring me happiness?
Coffee. Is coffee simple enough? Maybe not but right now it is simple. Reading a good book that stimulates thought and memory. The smell of night jasmine. A clean shave. The soft ache of a post-workout body. The struggle of conversation in a second language.
I took this picture because this is Thailand. Dirty, dusty, hot, random, wild, beautiful.
It’s amazing how one emotional event can soon be overshadowed by a larger one therefore putting the first into more perspective. On Friday I fought for what I believed and ended up in a cloud of destructive self doubt. On Saturday it all became irrelevant.
I try to clear my mind. Breathe in and breathe out. Focus on it. Thoughts come charging, running across my imagination. Focus. Re-focus. But they come too quickly, from all sides. Emotions rising from my belly, adding to the darkness inside.
I started writing a diary in 1994 after my best friend Steve Burgess passed away aged only 23. I kept that up for the year that saw me move from England to Australia. I continued writing bits and pieces over the years and then in 2018 I decided to start this blog and document another transition moving from Australia to Thailand. The final move date was decided by my mother’s passing in February 2019.
Now I have to write again about another best friend passing away, this time not significant of anything. Just another Saturday. He was 36 years old.
I’m shocked and devastated. I don’t have many people I would consider as close friends and now another has gone. Rationally I know it happens, it happens to everyone. Everyone you know will be gone. Everyone you love. But I’m not feeling rational again yet. Just let me be like this for a while. I’ll be ok.
I love you Kimi.
I’m starting to see why people find comfort in religion. Their faith counters our natural fear of death. If it all boils down, that is all it is. And that’s fine. I have to learn to deal with my fear of death by living now. The fear of death should make us happy.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to make another day count.
To-do list
Passwords for Amy ✅
Investigate emotional control ½
Be nice to people you don’t like
Go to gym after work
Look at G’s lesson plans ✅
I got through school today in a bit of a blur but it was OK. Asikin messaged me and told me how Kimi died and I decided to go and visit in a couple of weeks time.
I’m thinking a little differently about teaching now and trying not to let the kids bother me. If they don’t want to learn, then forget about it. I’ll try my best but I will try not to let them affect me.
Tomorrow I will try to read more about emotional control – what I read today was OK but a bit superficial. My self-control was tested with the kids but I didn’t lose it, even though I sometimes had to raise my voice to be heard.
I learned today that bad feelings don’t have to last a long time and I can make the choice about it.
Originally printed in the May edition of the STE Bulletin
Sat on a train station in the middle of nowhere, with the sun beaming down from a beautiful blue cloudless (+ ozone-less) sky. What better place to sit + philosophise in these moments spent waiting for the train.
For those who are interested + I know some of you are, Bronwyn + I got ourselves married on March 5th, a beautiful ceremony amongst some of our beautiful friends (we only wished that more of you could come over to share the experience with us because we miss you all greatly).
It was so cool to have an English ambassador over, that’s Mr Rob Callen (of S.T.E. fame) with all the news + gossip we’ve been missing out on since we left. We had several great lengthy discussions, just like we hadn’t seen each other for a week or so + needed to catch up (+ we caught up pretty quickly thankfully, as time was short – time is always too short when you stop + think about it).
Rob coped really well with all the people that he had to meet + this is something that I’d like to comment on. A lot of my new friends + relations have mentioned to Bronwyn just how well I’m coping with this glut of new people. I guess it could be an overwhelming experience for some people + easy to hide away in your own little world + think that it would be easier to deal with it later + then hope the time never comes.
Now I have to say that I’ve met lots of people here, whose ideas + politics do not correspond to mine + probably the main area of possible contention is with religious ideals. A lot of people I have met (now friends + relations) are involved in their churches in one way or another + are in themselves, deeply religious. I guess this is where things have been easier for me, in that no one is preaching or attempting to convert me. This has meant that there has been no contention to speak of, despite the possibility of it. This has led me to understand that people, even people that I don’t agree with, are basically human.
For instance, while Rob was over here, we found several things that we didn’t agree on. Does this mean that I should shun him + refuse to have him as a friend? How narrow my view of the world would become – missing out on all those great ideas (no matter how ludicrous!). So why should I shun a person, a human being, for their beliefs + ideas, even if they weren’t already a friend to me – that possibility will always exist if I choose to keep my mind open. After all, I have a voice + if someone starts to become overbearing, I can ask them to stop or change the subject.
I have a friend here who I met through college. He’s Dutch, 74 + lived through the Second World War. One of the first things he told me, while explaining Australian politics to me, was that he is, what we in England would call a Tory supporter. If I’d cut off our friendship there because I disagreed with his political persuasion, I would never have heard how he survived tuberculosis in a concentration camp + how he sought to escape to England.
These stories + indeed any story you are told, are tales of life + are learning experiences. All information is learning + by purposely cutting your possibilities of information (by rejecting people for their beliefs), you are losing your will to understand + also run the risk of becoming close-minded.
OK, so what about the fascist Nazi, who beats you up in the street for looking like a ‘black loving queer’? It’s not easy to accept this point of view but step back + see the human underneath, see his weakness + find something in that person that you do not hate.
Hate is the most powerful negative emotion a person can feel + hating in return, is not going to find any real long-term solution. Put down your prejudice (including your CRASS + RUDIMENTARY PENI LPs) + open up your mind.
Just remember it’s OK to disagree but it’s wrong to hate. Hatred achieves nothing except the continuance of hatred – something I’m sure we would all like to see an end to.
Finally, some surf news to justify the column title. A cyclone hit Australia while Rob was here, the east just catching the tail end of it. This meant rain, rain + more rain – Rob only saw about 4 sunny days (it’s still warm enough for shorts + a t-shirt though) but this also led to 15-foot waves + some awesome though violent surf (which tragically drowned a man too). During the quiet moments, Rob got out there on the board and caught a few waves, Which I’m sure he’ll be telling you all about.
OK, gotta go, my train’s here – write y’all to x Alanna St, Terrigal, NSW 22xx, Australia.
(In his accompanying letter, Shaun felt certain that some people wouldn’t agree with his view, I know I (Rich) don’t share all his points + to this end, he positively encourages a reply!!)
31st Jan 2024 – I remember this walk to TAFE to study every morning, after catching the train from Gosford. I particularly remember walking behind a pretty girl that I was, one, too shy to talk to and two, still happily in love with Bronwyn. She looked like how imagined an Italian girl to look and her dark black hair was tinted to the red shone when the bright hit it. Strange the little details one remembers. I wonder what life that girl ended up having. I hope she’s happy somewhere.
1994ever 