I recently received a letter from PastMe which I had written one year previously. In that letter, it was scout week and Aing and Now were here for Aing’s graduation. And so it is this time, scout week and Aing and Now are visiting again for their friend’s graduation.
Yesterday we went on a walk up to Khun Korn waterfall where I couldn’t help myself and stripped down and jumped into the freezing waters and felt the breath pushed out of my body by the water dropping the ten metres or so onto my head. It felt amazing. I feel revitalised but also tired today.
It was a funny coincidence that for scout week the M3 students were also at Khun Korn so I dropped by and saw them all getting cold, wet and dirty. They looked like they were having begrudging fun.
The future is not clear so I’ll just keep going until I receive this letter and can reflect back on what happened. Amy and I have discussed possibilities such as my going to Australia for a little break and then coming back together. This would be around the end of the year. She is also considering going to work with Mai for a while if she gets pregnant again. She is definitely going to Athens and Santorini in July before coming back to help me with my visa again. We also discussed her return here to maybe teach a little again and think about opening a small cafe/restaurant here. I still hope she decides to do that because that was one of our original plans when moving here. I wonder what the situation will be by the time of reading this!?
The world is open to many possibilities for us, which is a good place to be.
Will I remember the struggle this year of dealing with my troublesome classes? Will it have been any better with my new classes? I hope I have found some strategies for better dealing with it.
I’m also busy being lazy. Reading, watching TV, listening to music. But also spending a lot of time updating 1994ever.com. Not that it will ever be finished but I hope I’m closer to having all the pre-2000s information completed by now. There’s still a lot of stuff to go through.
I’m enjoying life though not quite as much as last year. Right now, I feel a little stuck in an anticipatory wait. Maybe I need to make something happen next. Or maybe it’s just a feeling and not my reality. How am I feeling now?
These letters to myself are not as easy to write as they are to other people! So with that I’ll be off for now!
Today I’m feeling:
Sick with a cold. My sore throat was hurting through the night and I woke up with a head full of snot. I think I’ll not hang out for too long this morning before heading home and finding some medicine, rest and sleep.
Today I’m grateful for:
The pharmacy that was open in the village where I bought medicine for fever, sore throat and itchy nose. KhaoTang’s mum’s shop was closed today as were a few other places, possibly due to the Chinese New Year.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling very relaxed despite my sickness. I had nowhere to be and nothing to do beyond whatever I wanted. I wrote to Rob and caught him up on some of my news. I’ll try to keep that communication going again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Despite being hungry, eating was a bit of a struggle. I didn’t really have an appetite and even though I knew the food was tasty my receptors weren’t getting the message. I forced myself to eat it all though.
Something I learned today?
China made a microchip that uses light rather than electrons. It is said to be three thousand times faster than its electron equivalent and uses so little energy in comparison that it could last for 500 years before needing a recharge.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 15. Rest Before You Are Tired. Even if you love your job, and every day seems like a holiday, you need to take time to rest. You’re a human and not an android, never forget that.
I love rest but I also hate it. I lay down too much and spend many hours reading in that position. I love reading. It feels like resting. I like to get things done. I always like to be lazy. I push myself too much and my body forces me to stop. I’m still working on getting the balance right. Another decade or two and I should be good to go!
I took this picture because I thought these tiny little flowers were cute when I walked around Mum’s garden last week. My mind has been focused on words rather than pictures this week.
A little bit slow again but I was able to take it pretty easy with my classes today. I was still tired and hungry by the end of the work day though.
Today I’m grateful for:
The last bagel in the freezer that I ate for dinner. Thanks, Nut! It’s probably been in the freezer for more that six months already but, well, that’s what freezers are for, right!?
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that next week is Scout Week again. I initially cheered when David told me but then he reminded me that last year we ended up doing some silly useless tasks (that I decided to enjoy at the time).
Either way – it’s a whole week out of the classroom (again!)
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy called while I was at House saying that she would stay in the city as the new owners of the apartments that Mum sold were having a housewarming party. The plan was for me to pick her up after I finished work, we go home and then I bring her back to get the truck in the morning.
When I got there though Amy was still happily drinking and talking whilst I was tired and hungry and itching to get home. I stayed for a while but when Aun came back from work she offered to bring Amy home later and I quickly agreed that that was a good idea even though I would have to find my own food.
Of course, I could’ve just come straight home after work but I tried not to think about that.
Something I learned today?
Whilst watching Jerry Grey talking about the possibility of war between China and the USA he brought up a point that makes some sense, about who would fight for the USA in a conventional war.
This got me wondering about the fact that so many Americans are in debt and many are also homeless. Is this being done on purpose so that when a serious war might arise the military will be able to easily incentivise joining up as a way for citizens to get back into the black?
Could they be that cynical or is it my own cynical streak coming through?
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
With writing up old things into this blog I’ve been talking online a little more often with Rich Levine and will also drop an email to Rob again at some point. He still doesn’t use much of this new-fangled technological stuff and only has email.
I did wait fairly patiently for Amy this afternoon. Was it a vile deed to leave when it became convenient? Perhaps, but hunger and tiredness can do that to a man.
My student Nudee stayed back in class after everyone had left and I saw that she was doing some of her own self study with a Kumon workbook. It looked like a very useful study aid for her and she said she has been using them for about three years to improve herself. Later she sent me a message that she had received a certificate from them for being in the top 5% of around 3000 students in Thailand. She was ecstatic and I told her I was proud of her too.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 9. Take More Risks. Don’t be such a wimp.
I think this one would be more appropriate for me ten years ago than today. Though ten years ago I was still big into risks – such as moving to a non-English speaking country to live. These days I’m not so big on the risk taking.
As the body’s inevitable decline edges ever closer I’m not so keen on taking physical risks though I suppose I might get further beyond that at some point and just think ‘fuck it’ such as sky diving when I’m 90 or something.
I suppose I still take some risks with money as I’m still investing in releasing records that I’m not certain I can sell. Those are low-level financial risks balanced by spiritual rewards. I’m not going to sink all my money into trying to make a business out of it now.
Amy is still considering the risk of opening a restaurant in Australia which would easily see us use up all our money and probably go into debt. I’m not so keen on this idea though I will happily support her because I think she could do it well. Whatever happened financially though, the stress levels of pursuing that dream might be enough to make me very unhappy. My mindset would probably change though once this plan was executed.
I guess I’m just happy with my life where it is right now and thinking that I would miss this. Once getting into the maelstrom of something though my survival instincts would likely kick in.
I took these pictures on Sunday because this is where I drove to so that Amy’s mum and dad could leave gifts and give thanks because they had come here before to ask for good luck to sell the apartments and within a month they had sold. I don’t know the reason that they came here or even why these monuments are located here, directly opposite a T-junction.
Hope you haven’t been overdosing on all that ‘feeling’ I was trying to put down in my letter!
I’m at work now – 3.05 pm on Saturday 13th May. I can look out of my window, and see the blue skies and the sun shining on the trees, which partially hide a few houses of Anchorage Road housing estate. The portacabin I work in though is cold – it’s in the shade of a two-storey building right next to it.
I’ll no doubt write you more factual things next time. – like the Queers pulling out of their UK tour; seeing Offspring at Brixton Academy – going up in a chauffeur-driven transit (!) with Carl Barry, Dareen, Ashley, Rob Turne, Chrissy and a few other people; going to the Bradford 1-in-12 club last weekend with Rich, Paul J, Hohn Hartsteen, Q. Rob, Matt from Romsey, Andy from Bournemouth, Karen, Vikki and three Winchester guys; or maybe even a few words about how the band is going – we’ve got nearly five songs now and the enthusiasm everyone shows towards it is amazing!
Did I tell you I usually get to Australia every day now – every time I write my diary up of the holiday – everything’s so clear – I made loads of notes which I’m slowly writing up – it’s gonna be an absolutely huge account! Love Rob
30th Jan 2024 – I wonder what Rob wrote in his diary? I didn’t remember about Rob keeping a diary but I know Rich ‘The Encyclopedia’ kept one fairly religiously. I was always curious about what he wrote!
Originally printed in the May edition of the STE Bulletin
Sat on a train station in the middle of nowhere, with the sun beaming down from a beautiful blue cloudless (+ ozone-less) sky. What better place to sit + philosophise in these moments spent waiting for the train.
For those who are interested + I know some of you are, Bronwyn + I got ourselves married on March 5th, a beautiful ceremony amongst some of our beautiful friends (we only wished that more of you could come over to share the experience with us because we miss you all greatly).
It was so cool to have an English ambassador over, that’s Mr Rob Callen (of S.T.E. fame) with all the news + gossip we’ve been missing out on since we left. We had several great lengthy discussions, just like we hadn’t seen each other for a week or so + needed to catch up (+ we caught up pretty quickly thankfully, as time was short – time is always too short when you stop + think about it).
Rob coped really well with all the people that he had to meet + this is something that I’d like to comment on. A lot of my new friends + relations have mentioned to Bronwyn just how well I’m coping with this glut of new people. I guess it could be an overwhelming experience for some people + easy to hide away in your own little world + think that it would be easier to deal with it later + then hope the time never comes.
Now I have to say that I’ve met lots of people here, whose ideas + politics do not correspond to mine + probably the main area of possible contention is with religious ideals. A lot of people I have met (now friends + relations) are involved in their churches in one way or another + are in themselves, deeply religious. I guess this is where things have been easier for me, in that no one is preaching or attempting to convert me. This has meant that there has been no contention to speak of, despite the possibility of it. This has led me to understand that people, even people that I don’t agree with, are basically human.
For instance, while Rob was over here, we found several things that we didn’t agree on. Does this mean that I should shun him + refuse to have him as a friend? How narrow my view of the world would become – missing out on all those great ideas (no matter how ludicrous!). So why should I shun a person, a human being, for their beliefs + ideas, even if they weren’t already a friend to me – that possibility will always exist if I choose to keep my mind open. After all, I have a voice + if someone starts to become overbearing, I can ask them to stop or change the subject.
I have a friend here who I met through college. He’s Dutch, 74 + lived through the Second World War. One of the first things he told me, while explaining Australian politics to me, was that he is, what we in England would call a Tory supporter. If I’d cut off our friendship there because I disagreed with his political persuasion, I would never have heard how he survived tuberculosis in a concentration camp + how he sought to escape to England.
These stories + indeed any story you are told, are tales of life + are learning experiences. All information is learning + by purposely cutting your possibilities of information (by rejecting people for their beliefs), you are losing your will to understand + also run the risk of becoming close-minded.
OK, so what about the fascist Nazi, who beats you up in the street for looking like a ‘black loving queer’? It’s not easy to accept this point of view but step back + see the human underneath, see his weakness + find something in that person that you do not hate.
Hate is the most powerful negative emotion a person can feel + hating in return, is not going to find any real long-term solution. Put down your prejudice (including your CRASS + RUDIMENTARY PENI LPs) + open up your mind.
Just remember it’s OK to disagree but it’s wrong to hate. Hatred achieves nothing except the continuance of hatred – something I’m sure we would all like to see an end to.
Finally, some surf news to justify the column title. A cyclone hit Australia while Rob was here, the east just catching the tail end of it. This meant rain, rain + more rain – Rob only saw about 4 sunny days (it’s still warm enough for shorts + a t-shirt though) but this also led to 15-foot waves + some awesome though violent surf (which tragically drowned a man too). During the quiet moments, Rob got out there on the board and caught a few waves, Which I’m sure he’ll be telling you all about.
OK, gotta go, my train’s here – write y’all to x Alanna St, Terrigal, NSW 22xx, Australia.
(In his accompanying letter, Shaun felt certain that some people wouldn’t agree with his view, I know I (Rich) don’t share all his points + to this end, he positively encourages a reply!!)
31st Jan 2024 – I remember this walk to TAFE to study every morning, after catching the train from Gosford. I particularly remember walking behind a pretty girl that I was, one, too shy to talk to and two, still happily in love with Bronwyn. She looked like how imagined an Italian girl to look and her dark black hair was tinted to the red shone when the bright hit it. Strange the little details one remembers. I wonder what life that girl ended up having. I hope she’s happy somewhere.
I’ve just gone round Chrissy’s to show her the photos – yeah, they’ve come out and are pretty cool! (Although one whole film didn’t come out – bad news man!)
Amanda’s going to a party today, so was really restless and punched and jumped on me all the time! And Rebecca’s gonna have her picture taken today – professionally done.
I’m gonna get a few photo albums to chuck the pictures in so I can show everybody. I’ll send you some over when I get the chance.
My writing routine which I set myself is already shot away but I’m gonna try harder next week. Sorry for writing just about anything – there’s so many distractions – 5 minutes to scribble this rubbish, then off to Southampton post office to post this. They don’t close til 5 o’clock so thank goodness for that, otherwise you’d never get anything from me.
See you when I come over again (whenever that is!?) Love Rob
30th Jan 2024 – Even a slow news day was appreciated in those pre-internet times.
I went round Jon and Selina’s a few days ago to pick up the PA that Jon used for Thirst! They’re moving to a house just behind the Jackpot cafe, where Selina works in Portswood. I think it’s next week actually.
Basically, Dave’s been a bit of a jerk sometimes (well, only when he gets drunk to be honest) – especially with bands staying at their place. There’s been occasions which I won’t bother to go into, where Selina’s been fuming and then so pissed off with everything, and Rich said he’s not going over there again until Dave leaves and sorts himself out.
He just gets lonely sometimes I guess, and frustrated – well, he did throw a bottle at me down the Crown and Sceptre last week – I just stormed off….
Well, that’s all the scandal for now – apart from Selina having her hair cut shoulder length. See ya Rob
30th Jan 2024 – Dave was always ok when I met him but seemed to be a sad, bad drunk. Sadly he didn’t manage to sort himself out and I believe he committed suicide sometime in the next couple of years.
You guys still having fun!? Yeah, I thought so – keep on the good work of just being yourselves – that’s all I could ever ask for!! This is just a very short note to say hello, and that I’m thinking of you. I’ve got one or two things to tell you – one about the Green Day gig we all went to in London a few weeks back and why I felt a bit low but I’ll tell you in one of my long, rambly letters that I’ll write to ya soon (when I get about 3 hours by myself, alone, with only some Sebadoh albums, some coffee and a pen and paper).
Sorry my writing’s so small, but I’ve just been writing in my diary about today – the 2nd of November. It’s taken up over a half page of a plain A4 sheet with writing the same size as this! I’ve seen lots of people today – because I’m on holiday (back to work tomorrow) and so last night I had an excellent long take with (illegible) André – a Norwegian guy we stayed with when me, Rich and Paul J stayed in Norway to see Life…But How To Live It’s last gig in March this year. He’s a well cool guy whose views are pretty good, but I think I talked some stuff to him that he’d never had thought of before, which was good. I wonder if he’ll think about my crazy views when he goes home – I expect so, but who knows?
Well, it seems like our letters have crossed in the past, so as soon as I’ve finished scribbling on this here bulletin, it looks like I’ll have to start again on another letter to let you know of all the scandal and drama that’s been going down in the STE recently! Again, I think I’ll write in more detail of what I thought about your letter Bronwyn, to me, in the next letter that I’ll write, but rest assured, I thought the quote from Jackie Orzasky was a beautiful thing. Maybe I’ve been going through life with my eyes closed all these years. Maybe I’ll be able to get through tomorrow without making the same mistakes and without taking too many liberties and be able to do just that little bit extra that I never thought that I’d be able to do….
There’s one or two things to sort out before I book my ticket – if I wanna stop off in LA, then I’ll have to contact Ian and Jeff and the only way to do this is by phoning their mum, and hoping she’s got their address and phone number and then getting in contact but don’t worry, If I’m lucky everything will be ready by this weekend, and then I’ll give you a bell to give you the good news (any excuse to say hello).
Love you Rob
22nd Jan 2024 – Rob was planning his trip to come and be our best man at my and Bronwyn’s wedding in March(?) 1995
Good news punk rockers, good news. A long-standing member of the scene in Southampton, is, at last, fucking off to Australia.
Unfortunately for me, I’ve known this person for many years + I’ve seen him change + for the worse in my opinion.
I’ll not be sorry to see him go that’s for sure! Now I can start coming to gigs again, knowing I won’t have to put up with his ugly smiling face + all his happy cheery positive talk. God, that guy was always looking on the bright side – I couldn’t fuckin’ stand it – it was insulting to my intelligence.
I’ve been keeping well clear of him for ages now, him + his obnoxious girlfriend. I blame her for his happiness.
Let’s face it kiddies, punk rock is not about being happy, it’s about isolation, pain + fucking shit up. About being miserable + paranoid + frustrated. These things are the fuel of the punk rock fire.
I ask you, how can anyone be happy + punk rock? You can’t + don’t argue with me ‘cos 1 should know, I’ve been like this for years.
Well, things can get back to normal now + it’s great that. I can come to gigs again. That makes me happy… erm… I guess?
Shaun’s Show
Mr Cynical happy? Who’d’ve thought? Looks like we won’t be seeing him again + you also won’t be seeing me again, ‘though you can still enjoy my future writings here + in ‘Suspect Device’. In case you didn’t know, I’m the one off to Australia. For those who don’t know who I am, I’m the guy in loud shirts, who’s been selling records in the corner at the Joiners. I’ve given THIRST! plenty of abuse when they’ve played + I’ve been too drunk to be coherent sometimes (but that describes any number of people!). I’ve been involved in the scene in one way or another for 9 years + the effort I’ve put in has reaped its rewards with great memories + new friends (still making new friends at the last gig). I’d like to thank all those people who’ve been there for me in times of need + whose floors I’ve slept on + whose memories I’ve rifled over the years. People who’ve fed me, bought me beers, given me joints, or taken me to gigs. They’ll all say they’ve seen me change over the years + welcomed + accepted that change. I know most people prefer me the way I am now, as opposed to 3 years ago. I was a cynical, obnoxious, loud-mouthed stubborn opinionated git. All those people who stood by me deserve much credit for remaining friends. I never knew I had so many. They know (as I now do) that the reward is in the giving + not in the taking. People who come to Southampton will find out for themselves just how good the scene is + I wish the best to all those involved – past, present + future. Spread the word cos the word is good. Remember ‘We Are The Magic People’.
Besides all that malarkey, there’s a couple of things that need addressing re: the STE Bulletin. First of all, is Queer Rob’s column regarding porn. Time has been against me in talking directly to Rob, so I’ll put it down here. Rob, your views on porn are ignorant + misguided. When we did speak, you asked me what knowledge I’ve had in regards to porn + unfortunately, the conversation got interrupted.
Well, a few years ago, I helped put together a fanzine that dealt with issues of sex + sexuality, one of the issues being porn. I studied the subject from all angles, so I do have some idea of what goes on and what others think of it. First of all, porn is made for men, by men. That might be a huge generalisation but I can’t think of an example of a film that was made for women.
Men make money out of it, lots of money + all over the world. Sex sells, I’m sure we all know that. It is a sexist business. Just like being a chef, you imagine all the people who cook to be women but all the top-paid chefs are men. So it is the women get to be on screen for a meagre wage, while the men get to rake in the profit.
Secondly, you say that these films are not degrading to women, because what they do is out of choice. The point here is about the way women are always portrayed in submissive roles in porn films – that is blatant sexism. I’ll give you some examples of films I have to hand. 1st: film ‘Virgin Ass’. Storyline/introduction/clothes off (2 minutes), oral sex carried out by her (2 mins), she mounts him, (2 mins), various positions that quickly reverse the dominating role ie he takes control (6 mins), anal sex (any guesses who carries that out on whom! – 2 mins), cum shot: (most cum shots revolve around her giving oral sex, again because it makes for a better film because the cum is visual. It is also a very dominating action.
If you like the sound of that, you can see just how lovely this is at home by inserting a carrot all the way into your anus, withdraw it + take a bite. You’ll notice the time will invariably be between 10 + 15 minutes, that is known as the ultimate wank time.
2nd film ‘Lesbian Trio’. 3 naked women with various sex toys, performing mutual masturbation + oral sex in various positions. This type of film is aimed directly at the male market. It is a common male fantasy to sleep with more than 1 woman, who perform lesbian acts together too. Male homosexual movies are also aimed at the male market.
Final film ‘Love Triangle’. Same as the first film, except her performing oral sex at the same time as vaginal sex, ending up with both vaginal + anal sex at the same time, ending with cum shot over face + in mouth.
Can you see the domination messages that that film is sending out to sad four-eyed five-knuckle shufflers everywhere? If people get off on it, then that’s fine but people who don’t understand that porn films are degrading to women are ignorant. That’s no crime, just a sad fact of life. Porn films make me realise that I’ve got much better things to do with my time.
Now I’ve heard it recently that people thought Rob Callen’s last column was too long + going over old ground. Well, I will say it here that Rob’s columns are by far the most interesting to read + so what if it means having to sacrifice the regular picture, maybe Rich could do away with his band listing, or start using some of the cover?
Rob is the most open, honest, selfless person amongst all the people I know in Southampton + it really fucks me off that people are always quick to knock him or ignore him. All he wants is for you to be open + honest with him, which is the very fuckin’ message he’s been saying over + over in his columns. If he’s repeating himself, maybe it’s because he’s not yet found those qualities in his friends being offered up. Think about it guys!
I hope to have a book out in early ’95, which is based on my life in 1994, which shows the major changes I have gone through in this exciting year. All your fave characters will be there + I hope when read it will encourage people to go out + grab life by the handlebars + seek out their destinies, be they in suburban Eastleigh, grimy London or sunny Sydney.
OPPORTUNITY OF THE MASSES WITH ROB
First off, I must apologise for everything that I’ll be going to say in this column because I just know it won’t make sense to anyone! Let me try to explain why:
Imagine yourself looking into the friendly eyes of some people that you’ve come to know + you see a myriad of shifting thoughts reflected in their eyes. Maybe your own thoughts are in there somewhere, because on some occasions you’ve seen what they’ve seen + have experienced the same things + had the same thoughts that they’ve had + through this slow process of getting to know them, you start to find out everything you’ve taken for granted + all the things you didn’t say because you thought it was inappropriate + all the ideas you had but didn’t have the courage to put them into practice, all came suddenly together + are brought into a clearer perspective, by talking to people who’ve showed a lot of respect + who talk honestly about their experiences + expectations.
I’m thinking about 2 people in particular, who won’t be with me/you for too much longer, for they are going home/emigrating to Australia + I think this is one reason why sometimes I tend to look at things with a sense of urgency, because it seems there are things which I do which I’m only gonna get one chance at – like playing in a band, or writing, or just talking to people, to see what’s on their mind.
Let’s talk about friends who emigrate first (!). Opportunities like this only come up once or twice, if at all, in a lifetime + obviously takes courage + a lot of thought + soul-searching to go through with.
However, even though I’ll really miss them both, for Shaun’s cool perspective on life + Bronwyn’s kind thoughtfulness, let me just say that through them (+ a few other good people I know, which included Steve), my perspective on lots of simple basic things keeps on changing. There’s not normally a day that goes past when I haven’t thought about it.
I’m not saying I’ve changed into a better person, or found “happy happy, joy joy”, cos basically I’m still the same old geezer but: what I might: have now is a stupid optimism, to look at everything as an opportunity + to not worry about problems but to laugh at them + to laugh at myself for laughing at them!
Maybe I’m getting off the point. The point is that: Shaun + Bronwyn have seen an opportunity (even if it’s rather an obvious one) + are grasping it with both hands. This is just a point that comes back to me, over + over again in that old NEWTOWN NEUROTICS song ‘Wake Up’, which goes: “Make the most of your life every day + every opportunity that comes your way”. To me these words are more than lyrics in a punk rock song, they summarise what Shaun + Bronwyn are doing + show me what you, I or anyone can achieve by just looking around the next corner, by opening up your horizons + by just making the time + effort to show people our good side occasionally.
So with keeping opportunity. in mind, let’s reconsider what I wrote in the first sentence. Maybe I shouldn’t have apologised – maybe I should have seen this as an opportunity not to put myself down but to say a big thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to look into my eyes + who has seen their own thoughts in there somewhere.
For although you might be 1,000 miles away in a new city, or new country + a new life there will be times when I’ll think of you + you’ll no doubt think about the people you knew here too, which will stir us to keep in contact – but not only with each other but with many more people that will come our way. It’ll be hard but the hardest things are sometimes worth taking chances on + fighting for. So let’s not, take this as the end but as a start of new experiences, of new hopes + most importantly of all, of new friends.
You didn’t need me to say this but I’ve said it anyway because I had the opportunity to do so. I’m not saying goodbye, just good luck!
Keep holding on to your goals + don’t let anyone get you down, for you can rest assured that in our own way, we’ll be doing the same, for we won’t be growing apart, we’ll be growing together with what is in our eyes + in our hearts.
How do you react to the loss of a friend? On the evening of December 28th, I got a phone call, it was Rob. Of course, as I recognised his voice, I gave him a cheery “Hello” + expected to be told when our next practice was. As if reading my thoughts, his next words were “We won’t be practising for a few weeks”, there was a pause before the hammer blow “Steve’s dead”. I was stunned, I just couldn’t believe it. Rob was understandably, in a bit of a state + after giving me all the details he had, he rang off. I just sat there in a daze, there were no tears, no overwhelming sense of grief, nothing, except that I couldn’t get Steve out of my thoughts. For the next few days, I would suddenly find that I had been sitting just staring into space thinking of Chrissy, Amanda + Rebecca, the band + then back to Steve again. It was like I was numb. I still couldn’t accept that I wouldn’t be seeing him again.
I had known Steve for years but not all that well. I’d see him at gigs, we might say “Hi” to each other but that was it. Then we started THIRST together (with Shaun + Shane) + as the band progressed + we got to know each other better, I’m pleased to say we became quite good friends. He would often say that, above all else, the band were all good friends + that’s what kept us together when we’d have bad practices + couldn’t find a compromise. We stuck at it + things got: better + because we all got on so well, being in THIRST became cool.
Our first: demo may not be perfect but the time we spent recording + mixing it was fun, we were having a good time + achieving something with our band, it’s a happy memory I will keep forever. Like me, he was a football nut + we were talking about playing for the same team, something 1 was really looking forward to.
Steve was really into THIRST, so Jon, Rob + I have decided to keep the band going, keeping the name + recruiting someone who knew Steve + who Steve liked. Rob will move over to guitar + we have Phil of CHICKEN-BONE CHOKED, coming in to play bass. I’m not sure how permanent this will be as obviously Phil has his priorities with CBC but we hope to record a single as a tribute to Steve, featuring a couple of tracks he played on, plus some new stuff.
So, how did I react? Just shock I suppose, I still find it hard to come to terms with, it’s just so sad to lose someone you liked + respected. Writing this, along with reading the obituaries, was the hardest thing I’ve had to do since he died, it’s kind of brought it all home to me but (as l write) the funeral is still to come + that will be worse.
Now our thoughts must be with Chrissy + the kids + in that we will always remember Steve. He was one of the nicest. people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I may not have known him well for as long as a lot of others but I value the time we spent as friends. Steve, I will never forget you.
Whenever I think about poetry, or friendship, I will think of things and many people I’ve met + Steve Burgess will always be amongst the first.
I want to write about friendship, about what I want friendship to be like with everyone who knows me now + everyone who may get to know me in the future. This is not just some throwaway waffle, which just says I’m revelling in my own insecure little daydream, ‘cos this column is based on a friendship given by Steve Burgess.
All the words here mean something to me + maybe you’ll agree with them but that doesn’t really matter; for what really matters (+ what I’ve found out to be so important, that it makes my eyes well with tears every time I think about it) is friendship. Friendship between people that actually means something real. You know, something which is alive, that makes us all feel that we can contribute something of value in our lives for free, to someone else, to help them realise that they’re great + that we’re inspired by them.
So, how the hell does this all get to be? I can only tell you of what I know + how I got to know Steve + just hope you might get something from it, ‘cos I’m writing this from the experience from my life and especially the experiences I’ve had over the last 16 months when I first got to know Steve really well (although I had known him for years just to say hello to through music).
First, let’s say something about friendship. Friendship, I feel starts with sharing a thought + talking things through + getting to know where other people are coming from + laughing, because of stupid things that we’ve been through together + being accepted – not because of what you wear, or of what you look like but because of who you are underneath your skin + what your dreams strive for. With these in place, in the end, you’ll respect someone for exactly the right reasons I would want somebody to respect me. I respected Steve for these reasons.
There’s just so many people in this scene (+ outside of the ‘scene’ for that matter), whom I only half know, maybe just to say “Hi” to at a distance + I just wish I could know them better. Like I got to know Steve. For I thought I would never start writing about my own personal circumstances, or about individual people because I want to write about subjects that people can think about. + about things that inspire me. Then Steve, who was one of the most sincere + inspirational people I knew, who always went out of his way to help you out, who I used to play in a band with, who never used to hesitate to talk about what he really felt inside + who we all loved, died of a heart attack at the tragic age of 24.
What I’ve written about is friendship + about getting to know people + about giving each other strength, which Steve gave to me in more ways than he will ever know + I hope + trust I in turn, gave back to him. There’s so much more which I want to say, about what friendship could be + what Steve gave but I’m running out of space, so I’ll just finish by saying I want to dedicate this whole collection of words, paragraphs + thoughts, to the memory of Stephen Burgess, my good good friend.
After thought: – Bronwyn said about when she, Shaun, Rich + I went around to Steve + Chrissy’s place, everyone seemed so open + you just talked about how you felt to each other. I can’t think of how I could have said that myself but I’m sure Steve would have been proud of such a description of his friendship
1994ever 