You see, you feel, you know…you’re waiting – 17th April 2003

Hayden came over and walked into the living room which had been changed around since he was last here. He then checked out my bedroom which had also changed. This though, upset him because his own room was still the same.

I explained that I didn’t want to move his room around without him being there and now we could move it together, however he wanted it. That cheered him up a little.

The initial pessimism though was a real highlight – I want to help him look at situations as a positive instead of negative.

15th April 2022 – Hayden was six years old by now and his personality already developed to some degree. This attitude to change has become even more obvious as he grew up. Ironically, or perhaps not helped by the fact that he has had to undergo quite a few major changes in his life. Somehow it feels as if Bronwyn and I were never able to provide the skills for him to deal with change very well.

He struggles with making his own changes and feels at home in his comfort zone. For me, that feels like it’s holding him back. But I guess I was like that somewhat too, even until my late 20s and making that uncomfortable decision to leave all I knew behind and take a chance in Australia.

I’ve been thinking about this a bit more recently as I’ve been putting lessons together for next semester. I want to open the student’s minds to the possibilities out there for them even with all the societal restrictions in place that may be too overwhelming for them.

I wonder if I feel a greater responsibility to my students than I ever had to Hayden? Is that just my own self-doubt?

*Long walk – 1st January 1999

Email to TLJ:

I went for a walk yesterday after work – down in the National Park – you remember where we went past Whale Rock – well I jogged to about as far as we went – ‘member we went up to that lookout – and then kept going and going until there’s a cycle track that goes up to the end of Vimiera Road – I cut off the track there and went into the bush following some animal tracks and back up from the creek – I ended up at the back of some houses and had to fight pretty hard through some thick bush for a while – woulda looked pretty crazy – I got cut up on the arm a bit too – and I’m dead knackered after that too – at least it was a little easier to get to sleep last night – but still damned hot and sticky.

I’m still thinking of you a lot and that keeps me awake too. I wonder what will happen to us when you return and I go through all the bad things that could happen – by bad I mean like we split up or something – I don’t know why I have these doubts. I wonder if you would prefer to be without me – if life would be easier for you that way. I don’t know how I would go if we split – it would be very sad for me. I know I would want to be friends with you but know that would be hard initially too. Anyway, you see, why am I thinking these things….why am I in doubt? I think because I need to hear some reassurance from you – it’s been hard to not be able to talk to you every day like we normally do.

Christmas has been a non-event for me too. I was looking forward to having some time to myself while you were away but now I know that I need people to keep me occupied (that sounds pretty bad put like that!) to divert my attention from my introverted self. I used to be very extroverted you know – what happened? I don’t know. It’s weird. where did all this self-doubt come from?

Babe, this has just been another get it off my chest session – trying to figure things out. Still haven’t got anywhere! Anyway, I hope that when you are reading this that you are close enough to me to come and give me a supportive hug and kiss and say something like “I understand’ – even if you don’t!!
Have you seen Jackie Chan yet?