Tag: self esteem
The knights felt themselves so gallant
Idea Of Heaven – 4th July 2023
We still have to teach the Gods to be human
They should bend to our will, not us to theirs
First, we have to understand ourselves
And an idea of heaven that everyone shares
Today I’m feeling:
I didn’t sleep well but felt ok at my alarm. Two hours into the day though and I’m feeling a little low and flat. My eyes are sore again and the cloudy grey skies feel depressing.
Last night Paen (Baitoey) contacted me again feeling depressed and suicidal. I don’t know how much more I can give her. I know she doesn’t have the skills but it seems like she doesn’t want to do the hard work and is always looking for the easy way out. She needs some guidance to turn her thinking around and I’m not the best person for that.
Her struggles weigh me down too.
Today I’m grateful for:
Payment coming through today as I was just about to run out of money. It meant I could pay the gardener who came today and can also order some more cat food now too. I still have money put aside for the aircon fix and hopefully enough spare for the plumbing fixes. Not sure if there will be enough for the guttering though.
The best thing about today was:
Many interesting conversations with my students outside of class. They usually remind me about things I went through when I was their age.
Also, Champ was back from Australia for a quick visit and he was telling me that he had to do some part-time work to be able to afford to stay there whilst studying. He’s working at a school teaching grade 5 kids. He was comparing the difference between the education systems in Oz and in Thailand and that he now has a clearer understanding of us farang teachers when we work here and get frustrated at the way things work. I’ve adapted myself now but it does feel like a little vindication.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I got home I could see that the gardeners had been. I’m thankful to them for tidying up our home but also can’t help noticing what a bad job they are doing. After asking them to clear the weeds properly along the driveway last time, this time they made no attempt at all. Worse still was that they cut the avocado tree that Bruno gave me last year, cut at the trunk! It was just starting to grow well and looked like it would develop into a nice-looking young tree. Fucking careless.
Something I learned today?
The great Chinese spy balloon incident is over. The US admitted that they found no evidence of anything beyond the weather instrumentation that the Chinese told them it was. The US is in the hands of adults acting like 5-year-olds.
How did I practice kindness?
Today I sat down with Paen and listened to her grievances about her life and what help she would like me to give her. She actually didn’t say much, I did most of the talking. I challenged her a lot because I can see that she is just running away from the real issue which is her own self-esteem, insecurities and problems at home. I can see that the things she wants me to help her with are not long-term solutions.
I have shown her a lot of kindness and tried to help her many times. I can’t fix what happens in her head but I will support her as best I can.
I also ran into Preawa during the day and she was having some kind of problem with her boyfriend who was following her around forlornly. I messaged her this evening to see if she was ok and she said she was and appreciated my concern.
I think one of the reasons that the kids like me is that the can feel my empathy towards them even as I might be berating them for being lazy. I may not be the best teacher in the world but I think I’m a pretty good human.
What do I want to focus on today?
It looks like I will have to focus some time on helping Paen to see if she can change programs back to English. I see this as a band-aid solution for her because the problems are coming from within herself. I’ll try and find her the school counsellor and also find out why she stopped taking her meds. She seemed to be doing well in the first couple of weeks of the new semester.
Smoke – 29th May 2022
He’s the number one, top dog
Always best in class
Sits quietly satisfied
As smoke is blown up his ass
Everyone else plays in the mud
Whilst he lounges on the grass
In between sips of champagne
Smoke is blown up his ass
Whilst everyone struggles to get in
He always gets a pass
Head held high at the gate
As smoke gets blown up his ass
A nose, again, turned brown
From impressing all the brass
It’s difficult to focus
With all the smoke blown up his ass
Smiling teeth a-gleaming
A halo as clear as glass
Powered by all the steam
Of the smoke blown up his ass
For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were reality.
Niccolo Machiavelli
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I am me. Why would I want to be someone else? Why would I be anyone else? Good or bad – I am me.
Perfect Image – 16th May 2022
Caught in my first impression
Trapped by a spider’s smile
The tail-wagging dog bites
The hand after a while
Escape at the realisation
Is never a pretty sight to behold
Be better to live with the mess
If the truth be told
From Eric Barker’s newsletter:
How do we make love last? A lot of people fear that if they raise issues with their partner it can lead to arguing and that will end the relationship. So they stay silent…
But it is doubleplusungood wrongthink to believe that complaining is a problem. The research shows bottling up actually ends more marriages than arguing. Complaining, in the big picture, is actually a positive – it gets issues out in the open where they can be resolved. What leads to divorce isn’t complaining; it’s criticism.
From Plays Well With Others:
Complaining is actually healthy for a marriage. It’s criticism that predicts divorce. Complaining is when I say you did not take the trash out. Criticism is when I say you did not take the trash out because you’re a horrible person. The first is about an event, the second is about your fundamental personality. To keep your relationship solid, turn your criticisms into complaints. Address the event, not the person.
To say that criticism is bad for a relationship is like saying “The Grand Canyon is kinda big.” True but insufficient. Researcher John Gottman found it was one of four things that predicted divorce 83.3% of the time.
So don’t be afraid to raise that issue — but don’t make it personal. Address the problem, not their character. This leads to conversations that actually make your relationship stronger.
Whilst I’m inclined to agree with the above sentiment, I thought about how this has played out in my life. Another factor that came into play for me was low self-esteem. So that when my partner may have been complaining, I took it personally as criticism. This is particularly what ended my marriage with Bronwyn, along with a whole bunch of other factors that added up to become too much for me to deal with.
I’m much better with this these days but it can still rear its ugly head from time to time, though I’m usually aware of it even if I can’t put my finger on it.
He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that.
John Stuart Mill
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to see Hayden starting to do some rewarding work this week. I hope it makes him feel fulfilled and happy.
Walking Backwards – 4th September 2021
Where are you headed, young lady?
Doomed to repeat mistakes
You’re only paying attention
To ones your mother makes
Can’t see what’s in your future
Cos the present hurts so much
You’re endlessly running towards
The first thing you can touch
Holding on to another’s dreams
Thinking that’s where to go
Walking backwards into disasters
Comforting for you to know
Waking up in a hundred years
Realising what you’ve done
Close your eyes one last time
With a peace to be at one
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for a good sleep last night and for our three visiting dogs today – Richie, Leo and Tangmo. A lot of noise and a lot of bad smells.
I’m just trying to hold on, I said, but when you were gone what could I hold on to? – 8th June 2003
Strange weekend – kinda had plans but things went awry! Felt severely down yesterday and freaked out (in my head) at the shops.
Feel better today, though TLJ has been on my mind and that really gets me low. Decided to call her and spoke for a few minutes. Not sure what it achieved. But I realised when I lost her I lost my best friend – I want that back and know I never will. I want so much and try so little sometimes. Yes, I know – I am my own worst critic. I guess I’m still stuck trying to figure out what to do with my life – cos I sure ain’t doing much right now.
25th April 2022 – Living in Chatswood was very convenient as I was a one minute walk from the shops and station. Though, despite there being a large enough Asian population, a mix of all, shops generally all closed by 6pm, except some restaurants. It started to change in my last few years there but it’s still nothing like the vibrant nightlife actually in Asia.
But sometimes the problem with choice is that it can overwhelm and occasionally, disappoint. In the sentence above describing freaking out, I immediately know my feeling. Being so convenient and having enough disposable income meant that I often ate out, though not usually at restaurants.
There were times I would head out without any idea what I wanted to eat and would get frustrated at not being able to choose. I wonder if at those times I wasn’t actually that hungry and was just expecting myself to eat out of habit. The frustrating search and possibly low blood sugar would freak me out and I would go home despondent and depressed.
The realisation of losing a best friend (yet again, though through choice this time) and the confusion and doubt that was causing me was a wake-up call that I was still ignoring, for whatever reason. The deep passion of the relationship with TLJ was replaced with emptiness.
The Dismemberment Plan’s ‘The First Anniversary Of Your Last Phone Call’ still sends shivers down my spine. The minor chord dirge and the chiming-crying chorus get me every time.
I continued trying to fill it by checking the local newspaper lonely hearts and a dating agency, of which my then less than satisfactory girlfriend, Lorraine, knew nothing. Lorraine wasn’t the right one but we gave it a go, somewhat based on our shared personal demons. Whilst staying with her I was always looking for other options.
This down period of time was what I deserved and due and in hindsight I can see that I knew what was going on with me but still didn’t have the skills to get a foot out of the mire. But it was coming.
Some people are up all the time. Others, like myself, have to go down and up again until we learn enough self-respect and self-esteem to gain some stability.
I can’t stop now, I’ve travelled so far, to change this lonely life – 19th February 2002
I don’t know what love is.
I know what it isn’t.
25th Feb 2022 – Well, here I am twenty years later and I feel like I understand better about ‘love’ now. Part of that is being with the right person, another part is my improved self-esteem. In the words I wrote, I feel that the word ‘love’ could be replaced with many things. It’s a sign of immaturity – which is fine – so long as it resolves at some point in your life.
Unfortunately, this post puts a particular song into my head, which I won’t mention, saving you from the same head worm. The clue is in the title though.
Image found through an image search using the post title.
Purely by coincidence, the next article I read contained this quote (or paraphrase) from Aristotle:
“To understand anything, we must understand what it is not.” Perhaps I was already on the way.
The Week That Was – 18th March 1979
Record of the week: Car 67 – Headlight
Highest Entry: Art Garfunkel – Bright Eyes – 27
28th Dec 2021 – I think I checked out the Car 67 song again back when I initially wrote this entry and now, can’t remember a damn thing about it. Art Garfunkel though – ugh. These were the times of realising that popular music was quickly becoming something I hated. I don’t hear this song anywhere in popular culture these days either so perhaps it has been justly forgotten.
18th March 1979
Clocks forward
Boring day
Really
Most days are now
2p 1p
19th March 1979
Same as yesterday
2p
28th Dec 2021 – It’s a shame I couldn’t find anything to write about, or thought that was worth writing about at the time. It was definitely an effort to try to put anything down here every down and there would be long periods when that became normal. I don’t think I have any diaries between 1986 and 1994. I seem to be fairly regularly making 3p per day – making my mum a cup of tea and something else, maybe washing up, though I can clearly view the sink and often still have dreams in this kitchen I don’t recollect ever washing up!
20th March 1979
Got new pair of shoes, wedged
2p 1p
28th Dec 2021 – I was probably costing my mum a fortune with my dodgy feet. These ‘wedged’ shoes would’ve also made me more conscious of standing out from everyone else. It felt like a negative for me and I didn’t appreciate at the time that I was receiving help from others. I found my life to be a hell that everyone wished on me. A lack of self-esteem. I can’t really identify where I developed this from. Perhaps from not having a father figure around? I did often wonder how different my life would have been if my father had been alive for my childhood.
21st March 1979
European Cup Quarter Final (2nd Leg)
Barcelona 1-0 Ipswich
Colehill P-P Cranborne
2p 1p
28th Dec 2021 – There were three middle schools in the catchment area for Queen Elizabeths (High School) in Wimborne. I was at St. Michaels (up the hill in Colehill), Allenbourne was down in the town and Cranborne covered all the rest of the countryside to the north. My house was along one of the catchment borders, or thereabouts. A bit further north and I would have been going to Cranborne too. The bus route is etched in my memory and it always weirded me out that we drove a long way down one road to pick up a couple of kids and then the driver had to reverse into a side track and drive on back again. It felt like it added so much extra time to the journey but it was really only a few minutes.
Throughout this school year and the next, I developed a habit of getting up earlier and earlier, even before the TV programs started in the morning at 6am. If it was too early for TV I would find something on the radio. I would eat biscuits for breakfast with a cup of tea. I encouraged my mum to buy more and more different types of biscuits and I would eat two of each, lining them up in the order of least tasty to delicious. I would take a bite and suck in a mouthful of tea and feel the biscuit crumble in my mouth dispersing its taste within. On and on…if I ran out of tea before biscuits I would make another cup.
22nd March 1979
1. Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
2. Elvis Costello – Oliver’s Army
3. Lene Lovich – Lucky Numbers
4. Sex Pistols – Something Else
5. The Real Thing – Can You Feel The Force?
2p 2p
28th Dec 2021 – Seeing Sex Pistols videos on TV was thrilling as all hell to me. Who were these crazy people? There was nothing I could identify with from my beautiful green countryside surrounds. I thought Sid Vicious came from another planet. More and more I wanted to be like that. To shock, upset and offend. This would develop much more strongly in the next school year, got me in a stack of trouble and ultimately confused me and made me bitter. It was a lot of fun at the time, a way to express myself and I soon discovered how boring and straight most people are.
At this stage though, I was just beginning to dive in. I was still teetering on the edge of being a good student and being a rebellious one. It’s fantastic to recognise these exact same traits in some of the kids I teach now. I try my best to encourage them but, fuck, I know exactly what I was like at their age and wouldn’t listen to anyone – especially teachers!
23rd March 1979
Rev.’s got more boring since a couple of weeks ago
2p 2p
28th Dec 2021 – Rev. must have been Religious Education but what the hell did the word Rev. actually mean? I wonder if subjects are still called this?
24th March 1979
Liverpool 2-0 Ipswich
10p
28th Dec 2021 – 10p – I was a money-making machine! It wouldn’t last.
1994ever 