self loathing – 1994ever

‘Low-life’ Jonny is feeling low
Thinking nothing can be fixed
I’d really love to see him grow
And to get his message unmixed

Why does he hate himself so much?
Always putting others down too
Has he got a sensitive touch
That he’s hiding from me and you?

I don’t know why Jonny feels so bad
Maybe he didn’t get the news
That there’s no need to feel so sad
And it’s something he can choose

Written for a contest at AllPoetry.com about Bad Jonny himself.

Today I’m feeling:

A little rough in the stomach this morning but maybe all the chilli last night has blown away my headache and sore throat.

We didn’t get home until 1 am and I woke up at first at my regular wake-up time but slept a little more before forcing myself up.

Health:

Physical: 6
Mental: 6

Today I’m grateful for:

Cheese and the store-brand vintage cheddar from Makro, which is reasonably priced. I just have to remember that we have it in the fridge because generally, now I don’t have cheese with any meals.

The best thing about today was:

Packing up a bunch of vinyl to send to Nampan from SpeechOdd, hopefully tomorrow. I need to get these records into their hands where they can sell them at shows.

I felt productive at least.

I also managed to get some guitar playing in today, too and noticed a slight improvement.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Takky came over for lunch with Amy, which continued for 7 hours into dinnertime too. Amy said that he is much more himself again after all the stress of his PhD work.

I let them get on with it whilst I was doing my stuff and didn’t hassle Amy to make me food as I had the cheese and her soft, sweet bread rolls to keep me going.

Something I learned today?

I learned a new finger exercise on guitar that I should try and remember and practice often. You know, along with everything else that I should do!

Review your acts, Good and bad.

I donated a copy of the High Voltage/SpeechOdd LP to put on display at Utopia.

I put Anchan in touch with Nong Kratae at the English Place and Champ has also supplied some information that may be useful for her.

I took this picture because the canopy over our entertainment area is evolving into a flowery grotto.

I hate myself and I’m letting go
I’m about to tell you what I know
Transferring hate counters my pain
Until I start to feel the hate again

A vicious circle, beyond my control
I chose to further damage my soul
If you refuse this hate from me
How will I ever learn to be?

Closed my mind to all your tales
All my successes feel like fails
I found myself brought to my knees
To spread more pain as I please

A walking contradiction runs away
From all the friends that want to play
A pain no longer able to bear
And no helping hands left to care

A loser in life, love and existence
Taking the path of least resistance
Kill me now, I’m scared to commit
Suicide – I just can’t do it

Today I’m feeling:

Bleary but upbeat. I hung around at school for an hour enjoying hanging out with all the many students I know and even some I don’t know. I came out for coffee but sitting here for a couple hours has seen my energy levels fall and I decided to cancel my class this afternoon and go home, especially as Amy leaves again tomorrow morning.

Today I’m grateful for:

Some sun breaking through for an hour or two to dry our washing. I still have a couple of doonas to take to the laundromat that will need washing and drying which I’ll try and do this weekend.

The best thing about today was:

Coming home to find that Amy had mopped and vacuumed before she leaves tomorrow. As we have another long weekend coming I can enjoy a clean and relaxing house.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

We’d told Aing that I fly to Australia on October 12th so asked her to come here on the 11th. As I had to tell Bronwyn and Jochen what dates I would be there I thought to double-check my flight details and discovered that I actually leave on the 9th! Luckily we hadn’t booked her ticket already! With a few messages back and forth everything is confirmed and we’re good to go!

Something I learned today?

I watched another Jerry’s Take On China about how the US is stirring up trouble in the South China Sea about a reef claimed by both China and the Philippines. Amazing how easily reality can get distorted through the lens of corrupt and compromised media. I find it difficult to reconcile that I’m more likely to trust Chinese state media these days. At least in amongst the weirdly Asian political presentation style it is just generally facts that are stated. No opinion or bias just plain reporting. The criticism will be that it is completely biased to the party’s doctrine but that criticism can also be directed to any Western media these days too. No matter the many-party system, there is really only one party. As the old saying goes, ‘It doesn’t matter who you vote for, the government always wins’.

What are some of my favourite song lyrics?

All the quotes that I entered here for 2022 I entered into a little notebook to send to Hayden. As there was lots of space left I decided to fill it with lyrics that I love. But when going through them and looking at them as words they somehow lose their impact. Some words carry their emotion in the way they are sung along with the memories of sweet times gone.

Tag: self loathing

Jonny Bad – 12th August 2024

Spreading The Pain – 10th August 2023