Self Pity – 1994ever

It’s getting worse.
I see my whole life mapped out in descent.
All my mistakes stay with me.
I make them again.
I kill me.

I’ve betrayed everyone. But I betrayed one too many. The one I loved most. It’s hard to get back up from this one and it has been over a year now.

Beer is here of course – my friend for too long.
I kill me.

How long before I betray Hayden? Can I be that selfish?

8th Mar 2022 – Still in my darkness. The fallout of a betrayal to someone I loved deeply and hurt badly. There were reasons for the betrayal, possibly justified and I did try to handle it softly but in the end, I had to tell the truth. Asked if I regretted what happened I said no. But I did regret having to tell the truth to make things clear. I didn’t want that truth to be painful for her, perhaps because I knew that in time, and as such times as this, the truth would turn around and become more painful for me.

I missed her so much, but only when I wasn’t distracted with directing my affections elsewhere. She had understood that about me very early on in our relationship. She was way smarter than me.

So after this betrayal, and the one that led to that relationship in the first place, I began to wonder when I would betray my own son. I felt like I hurt everyone I loved. There were reasons those things happened. I’m still stuck on the pain of the end of that relationship even now. I don’t think I regret it though. We all learned some things and grew from them, whether we wanted to or not.

3 shorts

Clean the baby heads, oil the machine. Drowning in a sea of sick ain’t my idea of a party. They just wanna party on your face and when the morning comes they’ll say goodbye, for another year. And that’s it. Bye.

I could really use some company now. The company of a cigarette. Goddamn stuff’s killing me and I’m pretending it’s the only thing that keeps me alive. Where’s the lighter?

The dream entailed myself and a friend on a night out and soon my friend disappeared into the mists of the night. Disappeared with someone else, some other character with more charm than myself. More interesting. More fun to be with.

My friends pretend to be my friends because they pity me. But now that pity doesn’t count. I can stand on my own two feet tonight and I don’t need my friends pitying me anymore. I pity them for the selfish, arrogant, pretentious bastards that they are.

Tonight, I’m gonna party.

The twentieth century foxes slut around in their topless leather skirts. Parading their wares along the grotty streets of each town’s ghetto. The shit and the rain slides along the gutter and down into the bottomless pit. Customer’s come and go.

Business booms when the misery descends on the town in the shape of grey clouds. They hang above everybody’s head. As visible as the money in their pockets. Effective relief from the trappings of modern society. It’s difficult to imagine these people belong to the same human race as myself. I need some relief.

Tag: Self Pity

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