Tag: Sharon

It Will Be Written – 5th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There I willingly dive
Into the shadows of my mind
To navigate the labyrinth
And consider what I find

Sometimes I tiptoe
Through the field full of mines
Other times, I rush blind
Ignoring all the signs

This chaos is real
And perfection is out of reach
The lessons I have learned
Are now my turn to teach

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Like I’m heading towards exhaustion. After pushing through exercise this morning I felt a bit better but I can feel that the extra energy I had last week from exercising is not here this week. It could just be that there are no students here to help me maintain a little anxious tension in my thoughts and body but I also need to think beyond that. To feel inspired regardless of what the rest of the day holds ahead.

Today I’m grateful for:

The new Quizizz AI that makes it easy to take a text and generate questions from it. Life is getting easier but does that mean it is getting better? 

The best thing about today was:

Feeling inspired. I got lots done writing-wise at House this morning and then figured out some good lessons for my grade 10 kids and as I mentioned above, using the new AI tool has made it easier.

And despite my comment this morning about nearing exhaustion, I was still going, adding work to those lessons at 9 pm after a couple of hours of enjoyable guitaring that I had earlier contemplated skipping.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I had accidentally closed a file on my computer that was a document of quotes that I wanted to write about but can no longer find the document now that it’s been closed! It’s easy to find books of quotes but I obviously had this one open because they meant something to me but I can’t even remember where it had come from. A minor frustration in the scheme of things.

Something I learned today?

I noticed Momo was a little quiet yesterday and messaged her to see how she was doing. Scrolling back at previous messages I saw that she hasn’t been very happy this semester and is struggling to make friends in her new class. She said she missed Porpieng and Baitong since they moved schools and what I hadn’t considered was when she said that they had been in the same class for nine years and that she never practised making new friends in that time so she thought she was lacking some social skills. I always thought of her as a friendly outgoing person and I think this feeling caught her by surprise.

What skill would I like to learn?

I hope I’m not at the point of learning old-man skills yet. I don’t think I want to play chess or bridge. I still feel like I want to learn to surf. I loved bodyboarding back in my 30s and I know the thrill. I never progressed to surfing though. That time may have passed.

I’m still developing skills in guitar, Thai language, and classroom management amongst other things so I have plenty to be getting on with. 

Growing magic mushrooms might be a cool skill to learn!

What’s one thing you made this year?

I made a ton of poetry but that is not something new. I made plenty of messes, but again, nothing new. I made some happy students, a lot of lessons and new student friends.

I made mistakes, though hopefully they are reducing each year.

But what did I make that is something new?

I think it was this year that I made a booklet with all the blog entries from 1979 and sent one to Hayden and another to Sharon.

I also made a notebook with a quote for every day of the year in 2022 that I sent to Hayden.

I made a grave for Kim Chi and as I write this it brings tears but at her grave, I feel pleasant as I pick out the grass to allow the other things to grow there.

One thing I didn’t make is any food. Shoving meals into the microwave or shoving potatoes into the oven does not count.

I took this picture because I found these flowers pretty, standing out against the stark green and the deep blue of the sky.

Hostage – 24th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Held against your will
Trapped by all your thoughts
Your only getting out
Is getting out of sorts
Surrounded by a wall
Scared to be confined
A gun to the head
Made within your mind

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good again today though it’s a little disappointing that it’s the last week of the holiday already.

Today I’m grateful for:

The shop in the market selling fried fish with mango, rice and nam-jhim. I was hoping to find the salad stall people but I haven’t seen them for a while now. After walking around the normal market I then went down to the walking market and was feeling disappointed but almost as I was about to leave I spotted this favourite small meal.

The best thing about today was:

Replying to Sharon’s email from a few days ago. I caught her up on my news and reread her recent emails to remind myself what she and her family have been up to. As I told her I hope Amy and I can get back there for a trip again sometime.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

See below. The issue I’m having may be an operating system mismatch and there’s not much I can do about that.

Something I learned today?

This isn’t something I learned but something I want to learn and that is understanding how iCloud works across multiple devices. I haven’t really been able to figure it out at all. As I’m writing I’ve done a YouTube search and will check out done videos to see if that helps.

After an hour watching and fiddling around I’m a little wiser but still have a problem with getting files onto the Air. It looks like a bug because it makes no sense. It may also be a time issue ie I have to wait so I’ll check it tomorrow.

What moment from my past would I like to relive?

All of it. Relive it all with the wisdom I have now. If only.

I took this picture because Tangmo hadn’t been around for a week or so and I was beginning to think something bad had happened to him. He randomly and nonchalantly rocked up when I came home from Utopia though and enjoyed some rubs and snacks.

No Sacrifices – 21st April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Hey boys, the war is over
Even though it wasn’t won
There will be no spoils to share
But it definitely is done

No more letters to the front
Or eating rations in the mud
All the winners are losers
With the spilling of their blood

The rules of engagement
And decisions to be made
Must be around a table
And no sacrifices paid

Today I’m feeling:

I’m ok today but not that excited. It’s nice to have reasonably breathable air again even though the smoke is filling in the gaps again after being blown around yesterday.

Today I’m grateful for:

Candles and tea lights (see below). Also, Febreeze (again) as Tigger decided to spray the sofa where Cap sits which is right next to where I sit.

The best thing about today was:

I watched a movie today and also listened to some music. I wasn’t overly impressed with either but it’s a sign of a slow return to normality. I also received an email from Sharon which I wasn’t so surprised about as I had already been thinking about my mum when I remembered it was her birthday yesterday and that was also the reason for her email. I still haven’t replied to her one from Christmas so I’ll get on that this week. Hopefully, I’ll get back to the UK to see Sharon and family again one day.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Another fairly violent storm rolled through between six and seven pm knocking out power to the whole village, maybe even further. The breeze block holding down the roof failed and I managed to get another up so had two now holding it down. It sounded like they failed too but I couldn’t tell yet as it was now totally dark. I found a few candles and there’s a nice breeze blowing through the now-open windows. It’s been four hours now and I’ve been reading on my iPad and contemplating trying to sleep. However, the rain has stopped and the temperature is likely to rise to unbearable even during the early hours. Hopefully, someone is out there trying to untangle wires.

Something I learned today?

Looks like this power outage is extensive as even my phone has no service. I write this because I usually look back at what YouTube videos I’ve watched to see if I might’ve learned anything. Now I’m going to have to test my short-term memory.

As I’m laying here thinking I realise that I am learning the sound of the night. No buzzing transformers, the hum of machines on stand-by, pumps pushing water and no doof doof from garaged PAs or the nightclub. It’s Friday night and an occasional frog and cricket is having a brief discussion. Otherwise, all I can hear now is the loud ringing in my ears.

What am I most proud of myself for accomplishing this week?

I’ve managed to keep Amy’s indoor plants alive (just about), my remaining two cats alive and myself alive. That’s an accomplishment. I just continue with what I’m doing. Things will never be completed, they will just stop when I drop dead. Accomplishments? Little things get crossed off little mental lists and when that final day comes will I have accomplished anything? ‘Here lies Shaun, finally accomplished nirvana.’

But I do carry a little pride in what I do.

I took this picture because it shows our roof trying to take off and drenching our cactuses in our entertainment area during the storm yesterday. Another is forecast today but there’s no sign of it so far.

Tattooed – 28th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

*What is the purpose of my body
If not as an expression of my pain?*
I can feel the relief of new violence
As I plan to get tattooed again

*quoting Tarzan Kay

As soon as want and illusion come to a standstill, the utter barreness and emptiness of existence becomes apparent.

paraphrase Schopenhauer

Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
A practice run of going back to school. I didn’t think we’d have much to do today so wasn’t surprised when I found there was no one around. I could’ve just gone straight home but went to House for coffee and then Oasis for food and got back around eleven. Next week though and it will all become too real again!
The best thing about today was:
Finishing Titus Alone so I can prepare to pack the trilogy up and post back to Sharon, who incidentally wrote me a happy birthday email today too.
How curious are you?
Generally, I’m pretty curious about things though I’m conscious that may be decreasing as I get older and my mind atrophies or that I already know it all. Having been endlessly curious in the early 2000s perhaps my experiences since then make me feel like I know enough. More general knowledge can be applied across many topics and I can be less curious about the details.

I took this picture because this highly symbolic picture is me eating my own head. It was the best part of the cake.

Poems on this day – 19th May 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Work Moderately, Play Moderately

Our tendency to compromise
Our choreographed shedding of inhibitions
Our sheer ordinariness
With some notable exceptions

Our eccentricities are conformist
We are neither ‘sir’ nor ‘card’
Everything in moderation
We neither work nor play hard

Far from wild and reckless
We rely on rare risk takers
We are cautious and unadventurous
Not really movers and shakers

Oh, our English dis-ease
That others misunderstand as such
As long as they don’t bother us
Thank you very much!

Almost all this text is manipulated from pg 551 of ‘Watching the English’ by Kate Fox – so, being English, I must talk about the weather…

35 and Relief

Sweat trickled down my chest
My eyes were sweating too
The storm clouds soon disappeared
The skies now a whitish blue
I never thought it could happen
To feel my sweating teeth
Thank god the temperature dropped
To 35 and relief

Giles in the World

In economic globalisation
We seldom wonder where
Our vegetables are grown
Nor do we even care
Trade among our nations
Faceless labour makes
Can you name your farmer?*
And what their effort takes

*This inspirational line is also from ‘Watching the English’ which I had just finished reading and then started on Ursula Le Guin’s Dispossessed, whose introduction page led to this….

New Settler

A self-exiled society
Had taken one step away
Yet he had taken two

The certainty of isolation
He lived his life day by day
Without his common crew

A sacrifice for greater good
To show them a better way
Stood upright and true

Asserted his true condition
Wherever his hat may lay
Somehow, he always knew

He stood by himself
With little left for him to say
And nothing left to do

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for all the heat discomfort I felt yesterday as it was hot and sticky from waking up in the morning until night and into today. It made me appreciate aircon rooms and cars and the pleasure of being able to cool down again.

This is about the fifth day of unbearable heat and humidity. It’s been hotter before this year, but the humidity is making things feel much worse. I don’t like to complain about it, but I am very thankful when I can get back into aircon, though I would much prefer fresh air. Ha – sometimes I miss England – or the chance to go to the beach and cool down like is so easy in Australia.

We’ve been back at school for more than a week now, and no one has asked us to do anything in particular, so I’ve been plowing through my book, catching up on other reading that I skipped during the holiday, as well as writing more poetry, which has been quite fulfilling.

Last night, I read about Dave Drayton’s P(oe)Ms and really loved the idea of writing a poem for each Australian Prime Minister and using an anagram of their name. I can see in my old poems that I was much more playful with words, even to the point where I can’t even recognise exactly what the literal meaning or intention of some of them were. I notice that I am not quite as clever these days, though I do probably make my points much clearer.

I still have an aversion to reading other people’s poetry though – it just doesn’t seem that interesting. Like making improvised music as opposed to listening to it.

On Monday, I felt particularly ecstatic for some reason. Perhaps getting back into my short exercise routine before work and the pleasure of lots of free time to fill as I wish. But yesterday, the edge wore off a little bit, and despite enjoying it, something still felt not quite right. I wonder what it is, what changes? The food I ate? The interactions with others? The temperature? The environment? Did I drink enough water?

Some days just don’t seem to be a good feeling, and it is difficult to identify. It certainly wasn’t a terrible day, and nothing out of the ordinary happened. I just wasn’t feeling it as compared to the day before. I sometimes consider I have mild bipolar, but it doesn’t affect me to be debilitating, and when I feel down or exhausted, I just write off the day, deal with it as best I can and console myself that tomorrow is a new day.

I’m thinking to call Sharon and ask her about Granny’s diaries – I wonder what they contain. I did see them once and don’t recall anything specifically, but it may be interesting just to see what was in her mind. Or would it be boring? Anyway, I should find out just for curiosity.

I’m filled with ideas and enthusiasm most of the time and finding again the things that seem to bring me joy. Life is pretty good for me right now – and when I say right now, I mean as I sit here writing this. Tomorrow may be different, tonight, or even the next five minutes. So, I’ll just enjoy this right now. Another coffee and another chapter of my book.

You do it once and you don’t like it and you do it twice and then you’re insulted – 20th November 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

4th June 2022 – I was making these notes as I was studying in my classroom, as classes were going on and 10-year-olds were jumping around, screaming and playing. It looks like I was doing some free online course from Donald Robertson’s website and Laurie Santos’ course at Coursera. Writing this out again now is a good reminder. Things I know but forget to practice or implement. How to bring these reminders into my thinking more often? I must find a way.

ataraxia – a state of serenity that comes with always acting properly in the world
pathé – negative, disruptive emotions
eupatheiai – positive, constructive emotions

pathé
Negative emotions/bad judgements
Good/present – pleasure (hēdonē)
– an impulse toward something present now that is considered good but isn’t
Good/future – appetite (epithumia)
– an impulse toward something in the future that is considered good but isn’t
Bad/present – distress (lupé)
– an impulse away from something present now that is considered bad but isn’t
Bad/future – fear (phobos)
– an impulse away from something in the future that is considered bad but isn’t

4th June 2022 – curious about the origins of the word pathé and its connection to Pathé News, which is where I first knew the word, I see that the Greek is actually pathē. It looks like the origin of the news name is from the surname of Charles Pathé so I wonder where his name came from and if it got bastardised over time for this minor change.

eupatheiai
Positive emotions
Good/present – joy (khara)
– an impulse toward something present now that is considered good and is, in fact, good
Good/future – reasonable wishing (boulēsis)
– an impulse toward some future thing regarded as good which is, in fact, good
Bad/present – n/a
Bad/future – caution(eulabeia)
– an impulse away from some future thing regarded as bad which is, in fact, bad

joy is opposite pleasure
reasonable wishing opposite appetite
caution opposite fear

within our power:
opinion
motivation
desire
aversion

not within our power:
our body
our property
our reputation
our workplace

impressions (phantasiai)
– judgements from previous experiences or subconscious thinking (cats are nice or cats are selfish)

assent(sunkatathesis)
– confirmation of the initial impression (cats are indeed selfish)

impulse (orgē)
– a movement of the will toward action that we feel because of having assented to a given impression
all emotions are impulses

4th June 2022 – it’s a kind of historical reassurance to see roots of English words such as fantasy and orgy and that their meanings have perservered. The meanings have persevered but us humans are still struggling to put these things into action.

impressions > assent > impulse
– impression is involuntary
– assent is the result of reflection
– impulse is voluntary

Provoked by the sight of a beautiful woman, you will discover the contrary power of self-restraint.
Faced with pain, you will discover the power of endurance.
If you are insulted, you discover patience.
In time, you will grow to be confident that there is not a single impression that you will not have the moral means to tolerate. (Enchiridion 10)

incorrect analysis:
impression – someone is insulting me
assent – it is awful to be insulted
impulse – I experience distress (lupē)

Don’t be angry. it’s pointless.

correct analysis:
impression – someone is opening their mouth and moving air
deny assent – movement of air cannot hurt me
impulse – none, just walk away

If you didn’t learn these things in order to demonstrate them in practice, what did you learn them for? (Discourses 1, 29.35)

Social connection
People with close social ties
– less vulnerable to early death
– more likely to survive fatal illness
– less likely to fall prey to stressful events
– appear to be happier

Trying to connect with strangers will make you happier and we mispredict this fact.
Shared experiences make us happier
– eye contact
– smiling
simple ways to practice

Time affluence vs $$
using time for something fulfilling is more important than spending that time to make $$
Wanting better stuff that we don’t want yet
– are there things that we should be wanting that we don’t realise?
– seek out opportunities for doing kind things
– random
– do extra/more

Mind wandering
The objective conditions of our lives have improved dramatically yet we haven’t gotten any happier.
Mind wandering appears to decrease happiness.
Practice moment-to-moment experiences.
As we’ve said for the last 30 years ‘Live in the now!’
Meditation should assist. Be more aware. Practice more.

Flow
You are in such an ecstatic state to such a point that you feel as though you almost don’t exist.
You have to enjoy what you are doing. You won’t be very good at it if you don’t.
You also have to feel you are contributing something worthwhile.
High skill + high challenge
Control Arousal
Flow

Mind control
Why do our minds wander?
Our default network is fast – it thinks outside the here and now
Meditation – turn your attention away from distracting thoughts and focus on a single point

Event + response = experience
“The last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance” – Victor Krankl
How?
– Realise you have the power
– Practice the responses
Mindfulness:
Attention – present moment
Attitude – acceptance

Meditate
1. Notice your breath
2. Mind wanders
– memories
– planning
– judging
3. Notice and accept
4. Go to 1

Attend to and accept any sensation you experience in response to the event, without making any judgement of the goodness/badness of the event.
Ask yourself – can I be ok with this feeling?

Stratagies for creating better habits
Put yourself in situations that benefit those habits (situation support)
– fix bad environments
– promote healthy environments and connect with people doing the same things
Set goals
– be specific – how to achieve your goal (who what why when where)
– good visualisation – especially the obstacles
– mental contrast against the acheivement
– if-then plan can lead to better goal attainment, implementation, intention

WOOP
Wish – think about your wish (goal)
Outcome – the best outcome
Obstacles – things that may stop you
Plan – if-then plan

Wish – to better control my emotions
Outcome – to be able to better deal with stressful and difficult situations without reacting to my initial emotions
Obstacles – I still want to be right. I still want to be better than everyone else. My ego gets in the way.
Plan – If I start to feel out of control then recognise this and pause, try to pause the conversation and make a decision later.

4th June 2022 – I think I have gotten better at this but not really sure if it is through practice. I feel like my attitude has developed, a little into a ‘ah, whatever’ apathy. I suppose each time I haven’t reacted I’ve been learning and then those situations just don’t arise in the first place. Am I trying to deny myself credit here? Ah, whatever!

Resistance never sleeps. It never slackens. It never goes away. The dragon must be slain anew every morning.

Steven Pressfield

virtue – bahviour showing high moral standard
moral – principles of right and wrong behaviour, the code of behaviour that is considered right and acceptable in a particular society
ethics – moral principles that govern a person’s behaviour
principles – a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief
truth/true – in accordance with fact or reality
wisdom – the quality of having experience, knowledge and good judgement
values – one’s judgment of what is important in life

It is the privilege of the gods to want nothing and of godlike men to want little.

Diogenes

The forging of human love and human work is the labour of life.

Charles Tart (?)

Death is neither a good nor an evil; it delivers no category of fortune.

Seneca

What are the pros and cons of holding these beliefs?

  1. Dying doesn’t frighten me much
  2. It’s more important to have lived a good life than a long life
  3. Life and death are not intrinsically good or bad; it depends how we use them

Death
Perhaps you think it superfluous to learn something that can only be implemented once – this is the very reason we have to practice.
Picture your own death several times a day. Think of it in slightly different ways, at different times.
Going to bed be grateful for our lives so far.
Plan your day as if it were last chance to really live.
Contemplate the transience of all living things.

Death comes knocking at the poor man’s shack and the king’s palace alike.

Horace

Contemplate a good death.
Read Trial and Death of Socrates, Plato’s Apology or Crito or any short story about a Stoic death
1. Imagine you are in their shoes
2. What would you do? How would you feel?
3. Compare your actions to theirs.
What lessons can you draw from this exercise?

Tell yourself that death is inevitable and necessary.
Contemplate objectively, consider your death from a scientific perspective, a natural event.
Imagine what is under your control and exercise wisdom and virtue in the face of death.
How would a Stoic respond to the death I imagine facing?
Imagine your own funeral.

Golden pins are stuck into people out of boredom. The golden pins will be welcomed.

Dostoevsky

4th June 2022 – These exercises about death I haven’t gotten around to though my impending decline is often thought about in various abstract ways. I don’t feel like my life is over but that I have probably lived the best parts of it already. That’s not a sad or bad thing. The remaining years are more content and happy. I don’t feel the need to fight for things as I used to.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my cousin Sharon who took care of my mum so well before she passed away. Sharon did everything she could for her and went to great lengths to make sure my mum was as happy as she could be. I miss my mum a lot.

It’s on a whim; it’s on a dare, To shrug away what we can’t bear – 6th-11th March 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Another busy week of back and forth.  I’m slowly getting into the rhythm of the hours and the days.  A weekly rhythm is illusive still but that’s fine, most days I have no idea what day it is.  It’s a big change from sitting around in an air-conditioned office, staring at a screen for 12 hours at a time, though I do spend a bit of more time looking at my phone these days.

One time last week Amy came to me laughing after having talked with the electrician at our house.  Apparently, he had heard, from someone around in the village, that I was a professional football player from Australia!  I can guess that this came from the village store where I’d been a total of once at that time.

I trekked up there again to buy beer for our workers after one long day where I did a lot of back-breaking weeding.  There’ll be more of that to come for sure, barely scratched the surface.  Anyway, I managed to convey that I needed 12 cold beers and that they were all for Amy, whilst I was just having a yoghurt drink.  They complimented me on the house and then said how hot the weather was.  Well, it’s small talk but I’m getting there slowly when I’m allowed off my leash.  I wonder what gossip that visit generated as I trudged in in my boots and sweat-ridden clothes.  We shall see.

Talking about being let off the leash, whilst I’ve been happily driving around in Amy’s mum’s car, or dad’s truck, I was granted permission to ride the motorcycle.  Usually just at night when it’s quieter and we never go too far anyway.  Amy had been riding with me on the back and I think she was finding it hard to control with the extra weight, better to let me ride instead.

I think she almost changed her mind on the first few runs though.  The motorcycle is somewhat dilapidated and the front brake doesn’t work at all.  It took me a while to master the gear changes, whilst also using the gears to brake half the time.  I decided we’ll get an automatic bike when we get round to getting our own.  Much simpler.  I need simple these days.

Tigger
Sometimes, Tigger is chill. Sometimes.

The weather has been pretty good as far as I’m concerned.  Even on the hot days, it wasn’t too much of a bother but I know it will get much more sticky and hot next month.  The evenings, as the sun is setting, are perfect.  We rode out to the old airport where folks young and old walk, run and ride up and down the runway, to get a bit of exercise in.  Has to wrap up before the sun disappears though as there is no other light there at all.  A few vendors have figured it’s a good place to make some money on water and various other drinks.

We walked past a group of about 30 teenage boys playing football, shirts vs skins, and I watched them for a bit, noticing the topless fat boy at the nearest corner.  A few seconds later the ball came his way with a long floating kick from midfield.  This was his chance for glory.  But he had his back to the ball and facing towards us.  His team all screamed at him, ‘Fatty, wake up and stop checking out the farang’s wife’, talking about Amy.  Everyone laughed and we kept on strolling.

We met up with Goi, one of Amy’s old school friends, as we were walking and they chatted whilst I called up my cousin Sharon to see how she’s doing back in England, now that things are not quite so frantic with her looking after my mum.  She asked if I felt bereaved and I said I didn’t really, things have just been too busy to even think about it too deeply, though I was always reminded of mum whenever I took photos of unusual plants and flowers.  Sharon said to send them to her instead which I had planned to do anyway.

Later, when Amy and I were having dinner, she told me about Goi’s life and her worries about health, money and the future.  Similar to another friend who is also raising a child, around 8 or so years old each.  We are sympathetic to their situations as they ask about ours and why we don’t want kids.  For us, the answer is obvious, we don’t want to have the same worries and concerns that they are now having.  For some reason, it doesn’t make sense to them.

After the football incident, we are also constantly discussing the fact that some people around they city stare at us – a lot!  We can understand people’s curiosity but some people literally gawp, mouth wide and follow us as we walk past.  Foreigners are not that uncommon around town or even out in the countryside these days and we think maybe it’s because Amy doesn’t look like the traditional Thai girl a lot of foreigners seem to go for.  I decided that next time it happens I will softly say in Thai, ‘Excuse me, what is it that you are staring at?’  The only downfall to this plan is that if they answer, I probably won’t be able to understand.

20180309_114950

Whilst our garden is a constant battle against weeds, our next challenge will be the constant battle against insects, particularly, ants.  Ants are everywhere in Amy’s parent’s house.  Whatever is built they will find a way in.  I don’t have anything against ants, as far as I know, none of them are dangerous, the thing that freaks me out with them is that sometimes, in low light and I’m not wearing my glasses, it looks like the walls or floor are moving and I’m reminded of tripping on mushroom tea.  And it makes me want mushroom tea!  The ants and the weeds will take over this world.  They are unstoppable.  We planted 5 small Jacaranda trees this week.  Fingers crossed they take root, survive and maybe in a few years time even flower.

One fine day, conversation will cease – 23rd- February 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Well, today is the day to bid farewell to my mother officially.  I’m filled with some nerves, some trepidation and some relief.  Sharon and Ken are busy running around preparing for guests invited after the funeral and their son, my second cousin, Mungo turns up with warm hugs and regards, along with his eldest daughter Ella, who shares his dad’s bright blue eyes.  Despite the nature of the day, there’s no sombreness really, just a realisation that this day needs to be done and in short time life continues for all of us left.

I spend some time trying on Sharon and Ken’s hat collection whilst Amy irons me a shirt.

We head to the funeral service, just in a small room, a converted barn called The Barn.  Possibly an Australian was asked what to call it.  The site is a new cemetery where ashes and bodies can be buried with trees and a small memorial plaque.

The officials are all very nice and understand the nature of my mum’s requirements for no religious texts, prayers and hymns.  More people turn up that I expected, most that I don’t recognise but people that Sharon has managed to find in mum’s contacts book.  I don’t get much chance to talk with anyone to find out more but later reflect on the words passed on from these people about their appreciation for my mum.

It’s weird to see the coffin and imagine your mother is inside.  But I know she isn’t there, that is just the body she was using.  It did bring home a finality though and I felt sad.

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The service starts with a song I picked which I knew mum would’ve liked.  It’s called Day Is Done by Peter, Paul and Mary.  I also chose the closing music which is Acker Bilk’s Petite Fleur.  After a quick introduction, it’s quickly on to me.  I have a prepared speech and stiltedly read aloud as I attempt to input some emotion into it and occasionally make some eye contact with the onlookers.  I’ve never been one for standing up and talking in front of people; unusual for someone who used to stand in front of a 100 people and attempt to sing back in younger days.

My speech went like this:

I just want to share a small story that reflects what my mum meant to me and how she subtly influenced me to be who I am today.

I’m guessing I was about 21 or thereabouts at the time and we were living in Colehill.  Most dinner times I would come home after work and mum would have baked something for us to eat, me in my room, her in the living room.  This particular evening she prepared a big fry up.  Eggs, bread, mushrooms, tomato and baked beans.  I was grumpy and ravenous.  As the egg was the final component and it hit the plate I thanked her (I hope) and headed off to my room.

Some how I caught myself on the corner of the door and the whole plate plummeted to floor, depositing everything onto our worn carpet.  I was devastated.  I don’t remember what else was going on in my life at that moment but this was the final straw, the end!  I think I burst into tears!

My mum quickly came along and told me to get something to clean up the mess.  She looked at me and said ‘Don’t worry, I’ll make you another one’.  Somehow this new plate of food tasted bittersweet.  I felt guilty but happy.

This short anecdote demonstrated mum’s attitude and unknowingly influenced me as I have since developed a strong streak of patience, a lack of drama and a get on with it approach to any difficulties in life.

This was just the way my mum was.  She just got on with things without making a fuss and bother.  She’d be furious with us all now making all this palaver over her demise but a funeral is never for the deceased but for those who are left.  So let’s remember her like this, and as we go on our own ways, let’s just get on with it.

My cousin Ken reads through a chronology of mum’s life and another song is played.  Mungo reads a short poem that also pretty much reflects my mum’s wishes (except the second line!).

‘By Herself and Her Friends’ by Joyce Grenfell

If I should go before the rest of you
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone,
Nor when I’m gone speak in a Sunday voice
But be the usual selves that I have known.
Weep if you must, Parting is hell,
But Life goes on, So sing as well.

Finally, the director reads out a poem that my Aunt Lorna has requested be read.  Lorna is the last survivor sibling sister and unfortunately isn’t well enough to travel to attend today.

‘Weep not for me’ by Constance Jenkins

Weep not for me though I am gone;
into that gentle night.
Grieve if you will but not for long,
upon my soul’s sweet flight.

I am at peace,
my soul’s at rest.
There is no need for tears.
For with your love I was blessed;
for all those many years.

There is no pain,
I suffer not,
The fear now all is gone.
Put now these things out of your thoughts.
In your memory I live on.

Remember not my fight for breath;
remember not the strife.
Please do not dwell upon my death,
but celebrate my life.

As this poem is read out I start to feel a little emotional and so look outside through the window whilst taking in the words.  In the building opposite a dog has decided to push through the curtains and sit in the window, taking in the sun.  Life goes on.

The rest of the afternoon is spent chatting with mum’s friends and associates, some who I’ve met previously, others I’ve often heard her talking about over the years.  I think the service was appropriately short and without fuss and was a nice way to think about my mum’s life.

Later, we’re joined by Mungo’s two youngest kids who tear around the kitchen distracting us with laughter and screaming fun.

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And later still, a final dinner with my cousins where we eat well and drink copiously, even managing to pry the last drops out of Ken’s bottle of Dalwhinnie.  Discussion ranges from my mum’s life to deeper, more philosophical things as Mungo stirs the pot with his Dad, who is up for the debate.  Amy is wilting and I soon offer we retire to bed and the day ends with an upbeat feeling and one that I know my mum would have enjoyed partaking in.