sincerity – 1994ever

Within this oppressive system
The dividing line, it grows
The wealthy control the time
Whilst we’re living in the shadows

Try to climb this shit ladder
But the dividing line always grows
A blind eye turned towards
Those living in the shadows

How did it get to be
That the dividing line, it grows?
And the ninety-nine percent
Remains living in the shadows

There is no vision of caring
As the dividing line, it grows
The underclass just eats itself
Living in the shadows

The one percent destroyed the world
And the dividing line is gone
No one left to remember the names
Of the ones who claimed they’d won

Inspired by a classic late 80s Peter Milligan story ‘Shadows’ originally printed in 2000AD
29th Mar 2024 – Submitted to OLN 359 at dVerse

First day of the new semester and everything is the usual mess but I’m more used to it now and can accept it. Had a good chat with Champ in the afternoon about his beliefs about the future of Thailand. He isn’t happy with the current system but is optimistic about the elections next year. I don’t think it will be much of a change but I also can’t get a feel for the mood of the country.

I moved back into the teacher’s room and sat next to George again. He is still only politely communicating with me and won’t look me in the eye. What I have noticed more about myself is that the things that I read about stoicism and thinking, I’m always framing it into a comparison with me and George. He is good at many things that I would hope to emulate but I’m always classifying it as insincere when it comes from him. I don’t need to be thinking about how what I’m reading relates to him – I need to be concentrating on how it relates to me.

I do feel that I am behaving more as myself these days as opposed to trying to fit in with everyone there, to keep a good vibe. I don’t know how to describe this properly. The vibe is good as I am. I am polite and enquiring and take part in work discussions. I don’t, or no longer, really take part in what I guess could be called bonding exercises. I don’t really feel a need to bond with people on a superficial level. Playing Uno or Kahoot together is ok every now and then and maybe brings a good feeling at that moment but I feel like there’s no depth to it.

Sure, I may not be good at connecting deeply with people myself but I really detest the time wasted on superficial connections. I don’t want to be friends with everyone or care if people I don’t really like don’t like me either, but I will make the effort to make deeper connections with someone I feel great affinity with.

That’s difficult with this group of people due to language issues but I am interested in Champ’s values and thinking as he also seems to be interested in deeper concerns than having time for another round of Uno.

Have I talked myself around? Perhaps not yet. My thinking is something I’m still working on and something I will always need to work on.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the long sleep and pleasant dreams I had last night whilst it rained so hard.

Weight: 76.6kg
Resting heart rate: 52

She grew up in the countryside
A daughter of farming folks
Nothing much expected of her
The butt of the villagers’ jokes

The poverty that surrounded her
Made no sense as she grew older
And she stopped believing
The things that her teachers told her

Revolution in the hearts and minds
Consciousness was being raised
And the young girl from the village
Was now the one being praised

She stood for what she believed
To bring her country change
And the people stood strong together
With a better system to arrange

She saw the source of the problem
Came directly from the top
Wild plans were being formulated
To bring them to stop

Bullets and brains were deployed
At times it seemed too hard
But soon the house would collapse
By removing a single card

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the farmer and his cows eating through the jungle on the other side of our fence.

Gui has got me onto a different he calls Dirty. Cold milk, a teaspoon of cream and an overextracted shot of coffee. I’ve taken to it. It’s a little more expensive but I think I will drink less. Let’s see!

In one of my classes (2/9 – the good class!) yesterday we were talking about democracy and dictatorships and I explained that our class was a dictatorship but then I started thinking about the Montessori schools and how their classes are often like a democracy.

I might try this with this class next semester – I think there are enough smart students in the class to make it work and it could be fun. I’ll try to read up on how teachers work in those classes.

Amy has been getting busier with her cake-making (cinnamon bun making) and I told her yesterday how proud I was of her skills and abilities.

We had also been talking about what happened with George last week and I had been thinking about why it upsets me. Amy keeps talking about when we invited him and Bee to stay at our house and Bee saying what a big deal it was for him so he obviously had some expectation for our friendship after that but I said, ‘That’s the thing. I feel like I trusted this person as sincere and honest and now I feel like I’ve been tricked and made a fool of.’ And we realise that this was exactly what had happened with Amy and Bebe all those years ago.

Bebe sucked Amy in with so many nice words but only to manipulate the friendship in her favour. I saw it easily and immediately with Bebe but I was fooled by George.

We live and learn and I’m happy enough with the friends in my life, whether they are close or not.

Tag: sincerity

Shadows – 1st November 2021

Growing Up In A House Of Cards – 15th September 2021