Iceberg – 10th May 2023

Under the waterline
Is where dignity remains
Invisible to others
The pleasure and the pains

Behind the smile
Is where the psyche trains
Inside the mind
Words to the self explains

Not all thunder
Brings along the rains
Under the waterline
Are made the unseen gains


Today I’m feeling:

Slept well last night and feel ok today though not particularly motivated. I’m hoping that will return next week when the kids are back at school.

Today I’m grateful for:

7-11 food. Although I’m a little negative about 7-11 because there are way too many stores nearby I’m glad that they at least give me an alternative for a quick microwave meal that can stave off my hunger.

The best thing about today was:

Dropping by to see Bruno and Nut and being offered lunch. It was good to catch up with them though they were hungover from a long day of drinking yesterday. They were feeling a bit slow and I didn’t really have much to update them with so I didn’t stay for too long. It made me realise that I’m not used to communicating after five weeks being mostly at home by myself. I know my mood will lift once I see my students again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

On Telegram today I got a notification that my old colleague at the cafe in Woolworths, Joy had just joined so I sent a message saying hello. I got a reply but it seems like it’s not her and I got an angry message asking if I was a scammer. It got me thinking that we have years and years of old contact numbers kept in our phones and computers that many people will have gotten new numbers and then after a few years those old numbers get recycled. What feels like a strange world that we live in will just feel normal to the younger generations and then one day they will get to feel like this too.

Something I learned today 

I started with the Thai app again mainly just to busy my brain. I also want to try and do a little more meditation again so registered again with Smiling Mind.

What is something I wish I had known when I was younger?

Everything, obviously. There’s no point wishing for something that can’t happen. 

This is my cartoon face. Or more precisely, a younger me’s cartoon face. I’ll do a current one soon.

I like to relax on my bed of nails, that’s one thing that almost never fails – 29th July 2020

Nothing stays the same, though we always try and force it. Is this the start of the pandemic era as some people are predicting? What is the ‘new normal’ and is it really any different to before?

I feel very lucky. After leaving the UK in 1994 my life, on reflection, has been a lucky and happy rollercoaster ride. Even the bottoms of the ride felt survivable, perhaps because at least there wasn’t a cold grey rain spitting in my face. Perhaps there were occasions where it didn’t feel survivable at that moment, but luckily I did, and so I have the possibility to reflect.

My journey is my own and my pronouncements can only be based on that experience, my judgements for myself, so take them with a pinch of salt. I did bad things, good things, stupid things, smart things. I see others doing the same. Who am I to judge?

I have definitely changed over the last 6 months and I’m not sure why. Or I should say, I’m not sure specifically why. I have implemented lots of minor habit changes and behaviour modifications and perhaps it is an accumulation of minor positive changes that have made the difference. So I can’t put it down to meditating, exercising or journalling specifically.

I decided to get up 45 minutes earlier than I need to in order to get to work. In that time I follow a flexible routine. I keep it flexible because I shouldn’t punish myself for not following it consistently.

First I use my exercise bands to help open up my shoulders and stretch my calves. Probably only a couple of minutes total. Next, I spend 5 to 10 minutes doing tests on my language apps (Drops and Mondly) – the aim is to break my current daily streak, learn some new words, possibly remember those words and reinforce this habit. The idea behind this is to create a sense of achievement as soon as possible in the morning and this sets you up for the rest of the day.

Next, I lay on the floor and stretch out my back, neck and hamstrings. A warm-up stretch more than anything, no more than a couple of minutes again. Just brushing off the tightness left over from sleep.

Then I use an app called Home Workout and all I do is the 5-minute morning warm-up exercise, 10 exercises to get your body moving and your heart rate raised just slightly. I may move onto harder exercise routines later but I’m not in any hurry. I follow this with 30 squats and 20 tip-toe stretches (I have real problems with my feet).

If there is time, I write some ‘morning pages’ – whatever thoughts are piling through my head, though I’ve found that usually I don’t write much because I am sitting ‘trying’ to think of things to write. I often try to recall my dreams at this point. Whatever, it’s not a journal, it’s barely legible, it’s spat out quickly and forgotten – not really meant to be read again in the future. This habit is 2-5 minutes max.

Finally, I’ll meditate (this is when my brain suddenly starts coming up with the random thoughts!). I use the Smiling Mind app which has plenty of free meditations and I don’t know if I often get into a real meditative state but I want to do it just for practice. Doing it over and over again puts smaller chunks of information into my brain that I can utilise during the day, when not meditating as such. In this way, it is a success. Perhaps it has taught me to just pause sometimes before opening my mouth. Taking a deep breath before heading into a difficult class.

I usually meditate between 5 and 10 minutes and mostly they are guided meditations. Once there gets to be longer periods of silence I still struggle with keeping focus on breath or letting go of thoughts, but that’s the reason to practice, right? I also have been laying on a spiky massage mat whilst doing this and that has been great. Much like a bed of nails. It makes me wonder why I like it? Do I like discomfort, do I find comfort in pain? Do I feel some sense of achievement to be able to survive it? I don’t know if there is any scientific study around physiological benefits of this type of thing but I just know that I like it!

Finally, a shower and breakfast and it’s off to work. Following this routine 5 days a week seems to be having a positive effect on my happiness and calm. I wouldn’t put it down to any one of the habits specifically or even them all together. Sometimes it can just be the action, the doing, that provides the benefit. For years I’ve implored friends to just ‘Do Something’ usually for a larger cause. Now I’m starting to understand that whilst I was doing something for a larger cause it also had the side effect of benefitting myself.

I was going to write about how the Covid-19 virus has affected my life teaching at school and what the ‘new normal’ of that looks like. Fortunately for me, it has meant lots of free time, drinking coffee in the morning, sitting by the river. This situation won’t last forever. I won’t last forever. I enjoy it whilst I can.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my energy and enthusiasm. When Dylan called in sick today I was ready to go teach for him.

They will crawl up in your skin and they will come out from the walls, if you let them – 13th February 2020

What do you believe that others do not?

– A daily writing prompt from stoameditation.com

I believe in fairness, justice, learning, compassion etc…  but so do many other people….

Perhaps there are things that other people believe that I do not, such as gods, more money will make you more happy etc…  Many people believe those things too though.

I feel like this is a trick question and should force you to contemplate all the things you do believe.  When you examine them all maybe there will be something there that no one else believes?

Is there anything that one person might believe that no one else believes though?  Even something obscure is likely to be believed by another person somewhere in the world. As you voice it for the very first time, someone else might agree!

What about this? Is there something you used to believe that you no longer do? When you stop believing something you sometimes block it out and disown it as if you never really believed it. Did I used to believe in ghosts? Some strange things happened that I couldn’t explain then but can explain now. Is that just learning and growing away from ignorance? Is it possible to grow so far away from ignorance, to be able to explain everything, to no longer have any beliefs? Is that some sort of nirvana the Buddhists idealise?

If you believe we live in a simulation then do you really know that one foot goes in front of another when you are walking or do you just believe it is so?

This stupid question has raised more than I’ve been able to answer. Ok, good. Keep the old brain ticking.

I’m off to start on my list of things I believe.

Who called?
What the hell did they say?
Get off the telephone right now
Don’t throw another minute away

Karate – There Are Ghosts

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach at school for the next two days. Even though it was a late notification and bad planning it’s good for me anyways.

To-do list

  • Finish Kieran’s letter today! ✅
  • Study TOEFL templates ½
  • Connect with someone ✅
  • Random act of kindness ✅
  • Clear videos and emails ✅

I really enjoyed being able to sit in the quiet classroom and finish off Kieran’s letter as well as read a few other things and make some random notes. I skipped out in the afternoon so we could do some much-needed shopping. I don’t know if anyone will say anything tomorrow about not being there the whole day but it does feel a bit unreasonable to expect us to stay the whole day when there is nothing much to do.

It’s the constant annoying frustration of disorganisation and I am learning more to go with the flow.

Spent another enjoyable hour talking with Bruce and thinking of strategies to help him improve. I’m afraid it may be a long journey for him and I don’t want him to think that I’m just milking him for money so I will do my best to facilitate with what he needs to pass his exam.

I was calm and collected for the whole day and employed some of the techniques from the Smiling Mind meditations – becoming conscious of breathing and practising focus on people communicating – not just words but facial and body language, interactions within groups etc. When in those group communications I could have paused longer and forfeited my stories to enjoy theirs more. If I have that opportunity again tomorrow I will practice this.

Tomorrow I will spend all day reading, writing, learning and thinking.