Tag: stability

No Chef – 28th November 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I know I know nothing
You tell me, how much cheese?
I’m no chef, I’m just eating
Transfer the knowledge, please!

A poem for this Existential Comic

Today I’m feeling:

A little tense as there is a lot of running around today. First to the city to walk Leo, then Mae Sai immigration where we have just home from. Right now I’m ready to scoff some lunch before dashing back to school for my afternoon classes.

Today I’m grateful for:

Officer Oh at Mae Sai immigration. This was my first visit there and all the staff seemed far more friendly than in Chiang Rai. It’s a bit of a long way to go each time but hopefully the experience will be better.

The best thing about today was:

Getting my visa application in and hopefully having that finalised within the next three weeks.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Being out of my class this morning was a little difficult as I tried to monitor everything from the work they were sending me in their messages.

About ten students didn’t submit anything and later in the day I deducted points in the system.

It was then found that I had gotten two students mixed up and needed to add their points back but then finding that I can only deduct points and not add them! I want to get that fixed because I want to reward students too.

Something I learned today?

More than 87% of Palestinian deaths caused by Israel in the last 51 days are civilian. The highest ratio of civilian to combatant deaths in any war ever and by a long way.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Last night I made the choice to get up early and go with Amy to walk Leo but when we arrived this morning we found that her dad had already taken him. Everyone has been telling him to take it easy and he only finished his second round of chemo yesterday but he is obviously frustrated at not being able to do all the things he wants to do. As the brief thought went through my mind of wasted time and wasted petrol, I pushed it aside and prepared for the next step of driving us to Mae Sai.

I messaged Manow hoping that she recovers from her cold soon.

I apologised to Pin and Gam as I accidentally deducted points from them in the SchoolBright system. They were both gracious in return.

As a few of my final class wanted to go off early to sports practice I made a deal with them to help them get through the work quicker.

After going to Immigration in Mae Sai Amy wanted to go to the markets. I didn’t really want to buy anything myself but happily went along with her as it felt like we had enough time. We bought some roasted chestnuts and noodles for her mum and dad and I was tasked with delivering them before getting back to school. It was a bit of a rush but I got it done.

What emotions do I feel most often?

I’ve become much more emotionally stable over the last couple of years and the emotion I notice more often these days is joy. There are times when I just have a feeling of inner peace and happiness.

Other emotions such as stress, tension and anxiety seem to occur often enough but register less. Depression is almost gone completely.

I took this picture last night because I wanted to capture what we had setup for Loy Kratong in the driveway. No new pictures today.

Three Years – 27th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Lives on hold, unprepared
Hiding under the stairs
Trembling and scared
World revolving unawares

A chance, opportunity
Wasted, waiting for the fix
Hoping for immunity
From Batman’s bag of tricks

Next time, unprepared again
No lesson learned
Three years become ten
None may be returned

16th Apr 2024 – Submitted to Word of the Day Challenge – Immunity

Today I’m feeling:

A bit more active than yesterday. I think the pleasure of the cannabutter is giving me good long sleep but also still affecting me the following day so I’m going to lay off it for now. It’s effect is very mild and pleasureable but if it makes me groggy for the whole of the next day then it’s not worth it.

Today I’m grateful for:

My own understanding of my body and brain. Today has been completely drug free except my anti-depressant and whilst it’s not been a fun day to speak of it’s passed by pleasantly enough. I can feel my muscles and joints recovering slowly and hopefully they are primed to get me going again in the morning.

The best thing about today was:

Finally watching Come And See. I feel like I don’t have the attention span for movies sometimes but then realise I can sit through hours of podcasts or TV series. I knew this movie wasn’t going to be any kind of rom-com but the mood kind of reflected my day and it’s message and purpose were clear to me. It showed the trauma and atrocity of war and was a struggle to watch but I’m glad I did. I might have to sit back with something comedic tonight to balance it out.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The weekend has been a bit of a write-off, no writing, little reading, no workout and no guitar. I’m not worried about it at all as I know I need downtime. It’s just sometimes I feel like kicking myself when it feels like I’m wasting time.

I’ll be back on it tomorrow though. Morning exercise then off for coffees. Then I have an 11.30 appointment with Kru Hin to learn how do our grades in the online system, my one class at 1.30, then off up to the hospital to get more sertraline and back to play guitar and watch the last Swans AFL of the regular season.

Something I learned today?

One of my grade 7 students was proud to send me pictures of himself running in a 5km through the city today, similar to one that Amy and I did a few years ago. It’s nice to feel that he wants to show his teacher this. He was one of the kids I kicked out of class a couple of weeks ago so there is an element of sucking up involved but I know he’s a good kid, just being a teenager.

If I could live anywhere in the world, where would that be?

I’d like to live anywhere that is safe and stable. I’ve found living somewhere where I don’t fully understand the language has been helpful as I don’t get fully sucked into the vortex of shit-talking that people find so enjoyable. No matter how much I tried to avoid the corruption of politicians in the UK and Australia I always would get back into it. It was a waste of my time. I know things are even worse here in Thailand but I don’t have to think about it or be involved with it. 

I can still see myself living in the UK or Australia though I don’t think it would be for extended periods. Otherwise, I think I can live anywhere, as I said, so long as it is safe. Water, electricity and internet preferred.

I took this picture by accident when I was talking on a video call with Amy. She was busy running around cleaning Lewis’s poop at the time, just as I was about to feed our cats (action shot in the top corner). This is how Amy and I have communicated for the past two years and I’m glad of the technology that makes it possible.

Safety First – 13th September 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s a dirty war where enemies become friends
And friends enemies to further their own ends
To the victor the spoils, to make up the rules
To put out the fires burning on hated fuels

Some will celebrate whilst others may flee
An order emerges to which most want to agree
Freedom for the ignorant, itself its own cage
Repeated ad infinitum on every history page

Better to be oppressed than constantly scared
It’s all relative when your life has been spared
Safety comes first, freedom a patient wait
Rebuilding lives, thankfully able to create

Stop running tired now passed that difficult test
Grateful once more, living again, amongst the blessed

29th May 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that in my dream last night I tried to protect the people I love – even though I woke up screaming, waking up the people I love!

I was not in the best of moods over the weekend but not terrible. I think I ran out of energy yesterday and just ended up reading and watching TV. Last week, on Monday, I gave George some ground coffee as a gift and to show that I’m OK with him even though he doesn’t interact with me anymore.

Then, on Friday, as I was listening to YouTube and just before writing my entry here, he came into my classroom, which was a bit of a surprise, and I smiled towards him as he approached. He came up to me with the coffee and said, ‘Why did you give me this?’ I said, ‘No reason – just a gift. You drink coffee, don’t you?’ He put it on the table and said, ‘I don’t accept gifts for no reason’, turned around and walked off. I was speechless.

I sat for a while, writing my entry and decided not to mention this and to think about it over the weekend first. This may have also affected my mood a little, but I realise I feel quite resilient to this kind of behaviour! It gets me curious about what makes people act in this way. Suspicion? Pride? Culture? Anyway, I will ignore this stupidity,

I talked a little with Amy and Bruno about it. Amy blames me for even trying to interact with him. Bruno agreed that it was strange behaviour but not so uncharacteristic from what he know of George. We all agreed that we all feel sorry for Bee, who knows what he is like and puts up with it, whatever her reasons.

Anyway, I gave the coffee to Champ this morning, who was really appreciative of it!

The Chaotic Era – 12th August 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Always searching for something stable
Hoping that tomorrow the sun will rise
Campfires warming wherever able
Tomorrow’s fire fills half the skies
The pyramid’s cauldron is bubbling
Predicting the future, obviously uncertain
Our civilisation’s end is troubling
And the kings pull down the final curtain

*inspired by an early section of the The Three Body Problem by Liu Cixin

Gratitude Journal

I am do happy and grateful to go on a long bike ride (even with Amy complaining) and get lost and just take in the scenery. I need to remind myself that the earth is beautiful.