“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
A huitain shared with W3 prompt – seeds
Inspired by the poem Until Then (’till the last petal falls) by Michelle Ayon Navajas and comments there.
Submitted to Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge Miniature
Today I’m feeling:
Uncertain. I just looked in the mirror and felt old and worthless. Perhaps it’s because I’m not around the energy of the kids at the moment.
Last night Amy also cried that Thailand isn’t her place anymore and that she feels more at home in Australia. There’s a lot behind that but there is also a factor that I haven’t written about here because it’s a sensitive topic and the situation is ongoing. Needless to say, I understand her feeling, whilst not sharing it.
She also asked me if I would ever go back to England to live and I said no, which made me consider her position.
I seem to have really found myself here and just have no real idea what I would do with myself back in Australia.
Anyway, this is not a new feeling or thought and is not able to be actioned upon just yet due to having our cats and our home here, which we would need to sell. Sometime in the future though, it looks a given that we will be back in Australia.
Today I’m grateful for:
My student, Nong Aoi, who called me this evening as she was happily cooking and eating with her boyfriend and friends. Despite giving me big headaches last year enough to make me worry that she was going off the rails, she has calmed down a little now and is quite sweet and affectionate. I think it’s nice that my students feel comfortable enough to call me. I’m doubtful that they call other any other teachers.
Yesterday I also messaged a little with Nong Nam, who was Aoi’s accomplice in giving me grief last year. She has also matured a little more now and said that she really appreciates that I contact her every six months or so to check in on her. Sometimes it’s the small actions that make all the difference.
The best thing about today was:
Quietly reading 2000AD and Judge Dread Megazine stories after getting home mid-afternoon. It was excellent and I was savouring the time spent.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got a glimpse of my new classes from Kru Mai today and whilst he has taken heed of my reluctance to be involved with the Integrated classes for next semester he has spread me out into other high school classes which means figuring out new lessons to teach.
I would also not teach any grade 7 classes, for which I already have a hundred lessons accumulated over the last three years. Oh well, new challenges lay ahead.
Cappuccino is still not looking too good at the moment and doesn’t seem to be able to settle himself into a comfortable position, like there’s something not right in his hips or belly. Poking around doesn’t seem to cause him any discomfort but something is obviously not right.
Amy and I are both wary as it was at this time last year that Kim got sick and went to the vet a couple of times until that fateful day she didn’t come back alive.
Something I learned today?
In medieval Europe, mercury was used in medicine and manufacturing. Hatters were specifically exposed to mercuric nitrate, a form of inorganic mercury.
By 1837, “mad as a hatter” was a common saying.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sent messages out to a few more students today to check in on how they are doing. I discovered that Anchan is having a tough time of things these days.
She has been living with her uncle as the rest of her family have been put in prison for an illegal online gambling website! She says her uncle is never around so she has to take care of the house and as she is not getting any money from her mum now she has to help her grandmum with selling things and gets barely enough to buy herself food.
And all that is taking away from her school work where, amazingly, she is still motivated to push herself and enrolling herself in extracurricular activities. She’s only 14 years old.
She asked for some help with information about exchange programs to Australia and I talked a little with Kru Champ about that as it is something he is working on in the future.
It’s frustrating to see smart, motivated kids trapped in situations like this. I hope she doesn’t give up and lose herself as so many teenagers can do.
Inspired and paraphrased from The Red Hand Files #272
2nd Jun 2024 – Submitted to the Word of the Day Challenge
Today I’m feeling:
I’ve got some energy today, mainly through having ideas for lessons for next semester, which I need to focus on this week in preparation.
I just hope that what I’m working on is suitable for the students and not above their level.
I sometimes overestimate how skilled the students are and as this is my first time teaching grade 12 I have some reservations.
Today I’m grateful for:
Cap being able to come home from the vet. He hates being there as he is a princess scaredy-cat a lot of the time.
I doubt he slept much for the last three days but the saline has helped stabilise his blood levels and hopefully, he soon gets his appetite back.
The best thing about today was:
Getting on a roll with my lessons. I checked with the grade 12 teacher from last year and they were very supportive of what I was hoping to teach some of these students.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I talked to Kru Mai about changing one of my classes so that they matched the other classes in that grade and he said he will look at it.
But in the process of that conversation, the annual discussion of integrated study came up again and our grade 7 and 10 classes may need to follow that format.
I argued against this unless we are given the lessons to teach (which is not likely). Every year they try to implement this and it’s always been shot down but it looks they are going to try and muscle it in somehow this time.
Also, any rejigging of our classes may also mean I don’t end up teaching the grade 12s that I just spent all day working on lessons for. I asked if that could be left alone because I hope that I can get this opportunity to test out my skills and abilities, as well as the students.
Something I learned today?
USA TikTok users said that they were worried if the company was sold to a US corporation, believing that it would be more censored and restricted than it is currently as a subsidiary of a Chinese company.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Amy asked me to do many little things for her this evening and I’ve done them as required, even though it interrupted things that I was doing.
inspired by this cartoon at Existential Comics
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good though it was a struggle to get up as I had enjoyed a couple of drops of cannabutter last night that knocked me right out.
Today I’m grateful for:
Go Nuts chocolate bars. They are kinda like Snickers but cheaper as they are manufactured in Thailand (I guess). They are smaller than a Snickers bar so I usually end up eating two at a time but even then they are cheaper. I still like a little something sweet after a meal, kinda just finishes it off for me.
The best thing about today was:
Spending a couple of hours in my room listening to new music and finding new songs to try and play on guitar. I also enjoyed being in the garden watering all our plants.
Something I learned today?
I saw a message posted to our department messaging group that there is something going on in the morning tomorrow which maybe means a change to our classes. I’m hoping to arrive at school tomorrow to find out my class is cancelled! It’s no big deal if it’s not but a bonus if it is!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I shampooed Tigger again just before lunch and he put up a little more of a fight this time but I managed to get it done without any scratches, thankfully.
As mentioned above, I watered the garden whilst Amy was enjoying watching a TV show and after that, I came in and fed the cats.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO
1. Struggle Is Good. Never say “I can’t take it anymore.” Say “Bring it on!”
This has taken me a long while to realise and embrace, although looking back I can see that I did this often.
I have a capability to endure certain things that others might not. Conversely, I’m sure others are capable of enduring things I cannot. It is the attitude towards this struggle that I embrace more now so that I might look forward to the difficult tasks.
I tend to visualise and actualise the feeling of having completed something and being able to relax, satisfied that I had done something.
When I was a teenager, so long as it was something I was interested in, I could start big, wild projects that could occupy my time and mind. These things didn’t feel like a struggle. Without realizing it I soon discovered that it wasn’t always the satisfaction of finishing something that made me feel good but just the doing of it. Over time this meant that I could take on tasks that were less interesting to me because I would just enjoy the doing, the struggle of them.
When I ask my students to write out a few paragraphs of text I enjoy taking note of those who complain and those who just get on and do it. This reveals a lot about their attitude.
These days, having a space that I love to rest my head at night, I can rationalise all discomfort at uninteresting tasks knowing that when the sun goes down I have a place where I can relax and do the things that are interesting to me.
Whilst I would rarely say ‘Bring it on’ I am no longer afraid of the challenges that confront me.
Grandmum’s empty room
Today I’m feeling:
Still a little tired though I slept quite a lot. Not going to push my classes today and going to take it easy myself too.
Today I’m grateful for:
A surprise lunch date with the family at the seafood restaurant Amy and I tried last Sunday. At first I felt a little annoyed as I had wanted to stay at House to read and write after going to apply for the work permit after my first class. That quickly faded though as I’ve grown much more accustomed to sudden changes of plans. The food was also great, which certainly helped too!
The best thing about today was:
Sitting with groups of three students at a time and working on a grammar rule with them. I can usually get a good response out of small groups when there’s an opportunity to do so and we all could laugh and learn together.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I went to get my work permit and in the process they asked if I want it for two years to which I thought ‘sure!’ It was only then I wondered how much it would cost and I found out it will be 6000 baht which is all the money I have left this month!
Something I learned today?
As we’ve been busy for this last week I haven’t really asked Amy about much of what the latest news is or about all the stuff at the temple. With a couple of wines under her belt she talked for a long while about different people that attended the funeral, all of the costs and stresses for the family and what little she knew about the Buddhist rituals and rules.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sent supportive messages to three of my students who struggled with situations today.
Denton, Texas befuddlers Flesh Narc pile together the nicest grapes they could find, herein compiled from the first song they wrote in 2013 to the band’s first tour in summer 2017. Witness the genre whiplash that Flesh Narc is capable of from their beginnings as a slacker post-punk power trio to their descent into electronic abstraction and back to a retightened, haywire rock band. A comprehensive review of Flesh Narc’s early years, off-the-wall lyrical content and confused music guaranteed.
tracks 1-4 recorded October-November 2014 by Michael Briggs
tracks 5-7 recorded October, December 2015 by Michael Briggs
tracks 8-10 recorded June-July 2016 by Michael Briggs
tracks 11-13 recorded October, December 2015-February 2016 by Sinevil
track 14 recorded live February 10th 2017 at Cleemus & Ploumplesti’s, Denton
tracks 15-18 recorded May-June 2017 by Justin Lemons
track 19 recorded live August 4th 2017 at Archer Ballroom, Chicago by Steve Gassen
1-4: Optical Intrusion (January 2015)
5,6: Slow Deep and Narc (March 2016)
7: Narc That! (June 2016)
8,9: TS/FN ❤ (split with Thin Skin) (November 2016)
10: Dinner’s Served (Thanksgiving 2016)
11-13: Eyes on the Fabric (Narc Infinitives) (February 2017)
14: Hailey’s Fan Club (July 2017)
15-18: Frisky/Gardens (July 2017)
19: Split with Slackbeat (March 2018)
Flesh Narc is Matt Burgess, Rick Eye and Reece McLean.
In early 2013, Rick joined Reece’s project Bukkake Moms and they formed the freewheeling collective Problem Dogg. In the midst of that chaos, Matt’s long-time band Eat Avery’s Bones began playing shows more regularly, and it wasn’t long before Matt became involved in the Problem Dogg consortium. Matt, Reece and Rick practiced for the first time together in November 2013 and wrote their first song, “Jack Off Cubes”. 8 more songs were written but they got distracted by mineral trading drama and decided to stop practicing for 5 months. Upon remembering they were a band, they quickly recorded their 9 unrehearsed songs and made up about 9 more on the spot, some of which were better. Their first album “Optical Intrusion” and companion EP “Narc It!” were released in early 2015 and the first live shows followed. Human microphone stands were utilized and instrument switches were abundant and time-consuming.
Improvised electronics slowly crept in, eventually usurping the live set for a brief part of 2016. A 2nd album “Slow Deep and Narc” with companion EP “Narc That!” followed and not long after a split cassette with Thin Skin.
The band’s slacker rock sound was running its course, and the radical left-turn electronic album “Eyes on the Fabric (Narc Infinitives)” was still held up in post-production. Thankfully, refreshment was found through the joining of Beth Dodds from Bukkake Moms on drums and occasional guitar/bass/keyboards in January 2017. The band gained a new intensity and confusion factor. “Eyes on the Fabric (Narc Infinitives)” finally released in February 2017, featuring stark electronics and free-associating vocals lost in the dark. The new 4-piece Flesh Narc prepared for a summer tour with Thin Skin and produced “Frisky/Gardens”, originally a demo, but later canonized by default. “Hailey’s Fan Club”, a live album of electronic material that verges on comedy, also made its way to tape in time for the tour.
Flesh Narc’s performance in Chicago at Archer Ballroom (later released as a split with Slackbeat in 2018) showed the band in a demented form on the home stretch of tour. In the Loop Magazine reviewed the show calling Flesh Narc, “noise going nowhere” and urged readers to “leave immediately” upon encountering the band (beintheloopchicago.com?p=20995).
In the immediate wake of the tour, the 4-piece line-up of Flesh Narc dissolved. The band’s next album, intended to be called “Grapes” (consisting of rerecorded “Frisky/Gardens” songs and new material), was scrapped before recording. The band reverted back into a trio again and replaced drums with manually-tapped drum machine and tapes.
And what happens after that is for another compilation another time.
From 2017 to the present day, things in the land of Flesh Narc have grown very complex, with numerous releases of varying styles with new collaborators. As a quick primer, and to fulfil the unrealized dream of the “Grapes” album, this compilation of Flesh Narc’s early years should suffice.
Today I’m feeling:
Slooow to go! I had a weed gummy last night which I thought didn’t really have much effect beyond focusing concentration on playing guitar. And trying to fix the Canna butter bottle that broke, I had a drop or less of that which seemed to get me thinking sideways for the rest of the evening that rapidly disappeared. I had deeply thought-provoking dreams that felt quite negative in that they reminded me of my age and my place in the world. I woke up a little shook. I feel pretty damn relaxed now though. The heat and rain have gone for a while and it’s nice enough to sit outside again with a soft breeze stirring. I’ve been out here for an hour already.
Today I’m grateful for:
Bruno picking me up at the Nissan dealer in the afternoon. We went up to Ahka Cottage for coffee whilst the car was being ‘serviced’. I put that in quotes as it’s sometimes a little difficult to know if they really check over everything or just change the oil and filter and things you ask them. Presumably, they’re doing a good job.
I’m also grateful to Gong at Utopia who called ahead to Daytripper about a pipette for me for my CBD oil.
What was the best thing today?
Seeing Amy happy back in her room in Sydney, already thinking about how to enjoy her last eight weeks there. She was happy to return to more comfortable temperatures although it has been a little cooler here too today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It was odd to be in the passenger seat of a car for a change. Weird not to have a car key in my pocket.
Something I learned today?
Watching Brian Dunning’s inFact explained why there are suddenly lots of military UFO sightings in the last six months. It all seemed to be down to a core group of connected people who have pushing their theories for the last 15 years. They’re not presenting anything new but they are all presenting it at the same time, presumably to inspire funding from the government. Which country? You can guess, it’s your friend and mine, the USA! It’s rare to hear about UFO sightings anywhere else.
What is my favourite time of day?
Although I struggle to do it without external motivation I’ve come to enjoy the mornings, especially living here in Chiang Rai. Age and location also have an influence, as well as circumstances of obligations.
I pretty much like any time of day. I’m alive and the passing of time is increasing. It’s not impossible to enjoy every breath but the last one should be spent in contentment.
*appropriated from this blog post at Spinning Visions
Today I’m feeling:
So tired this morning as I didn’t sleep well. Being back together in the cool aircon of our bedroom proper was nice and saw us off to sleep nicely with Cap joining us but, Cap being Cap, he wanted to go in and out a couple of times during the night which meant me opening and closing the door for him. The last time it was almost light so I left the door ajar for him but Tigger also came in and Amy woke up to find him peeing on her bed. First day back and already these cats treat our fresh-smelling beds as their toilets.
Of course, I got into trouble (with Amy) for leaving the door open. I delayed my alarm to allow an extra 15 minutes of tossing and turning and I would dearly love to be back in bed sleeping more right now.
Today I’m grateful for:
The cafe next door to school changed its policy for every tenth coffee free, getting rid of it completely. I cried that I only had two more to go and then said, how about today for free? To which they agreed and I went away happy. As usual, the taste of their coffee is awful but it has a hell of a caffeine hit.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that there is some event tomorrow morning and it’s optional whether to teach or not. I will definitely not teach the first class and not sure about the second one yet. I’ll see how I and they feel tomorrow morning.
I ended up chatting to one of the students who said they thought that they would have to do some tasks which will take all morning so, what the hell? I doubt if it will take that long but I know they would prefer whatever it is they will be doing over sitting in a classroom anyway.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Many things out of my control today but I’m getting better at just going with it and not getting stressed about things. I can definitely feel that this has changed for me over the last couple of years.
Something I learned today?
I did 5 minutes research into overcoming sensitivity after being bullied and read that CBT is a suggested therapy to help. I will offer some advice and information to the student whom I talked with yesterday evening.
I took no pictures because my brain couldn’t expand enough into the spaces to find something interesting to take a picture of despite interesting things occurring around me. Now is the struggle to find interest in the minutiae, in the minor, in the greys and browns.
Title appropriated from Robert Greene’s Daily Laws
Today I’m feeling:
Happy, relaxed and a little sore in my right side chest from when I came off the bike yesterday
Today I’m grateful for:
My aching body reminding me that I am still alive, reminding me of days past when wounds and pain were a part of everyday adventure.
The best thing about today was:
Having a long conversation in LINE with my student Mee after she told me she doesn’t know why she is alive. I talked about a lot of different things with her such as the dichotomy of control and methods of improving self-talk but the thing she really took to was different things to do to distract herself from spiralling out of control with negative thoughts. I told her about the FutureMe website and she immediately went off and her future self an email. It will give her a spark, something to live for, just to receive her own email after she has forgotten about it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Waking up in the night to the sound of one of our cats throwing up. I was just hoping it wasn’t on my donna but when I woke up unfortunately it was. Amy’s doona was still hanging from last night as well as the week’s clothes but there was nothing else for it except to wash my doona and hang it over my drying clothes and hoping everything would get a chance to dry. It did.
Something I learned today?
The beginning of the Jam’s Start is ripped off from the Beatles’ Taxman, a song I don’t think I’ve ever heard before until today.
If you could have 2 wishes, what would they be?
Wishes again? Ok, let’s play.
You must always respect those who struggle, even if they are defeated.
from Burmese Moons by Sophie Ansel
Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
Trying to engage some of the ‘bad’ girls in my class and able to draw them into enjoying finding solutions or seeing how to think about something in a different way.
The best thing about today was:
Catching up on some things during the three-and-a-half-hour break between classes. Each day of the week has a different schedule that I can utilise in different ways. Mondays will be catch-up days.
Daily thought
Do you rule over yourself?
I try. But there are some things that I don’t wish to give up that just to feel that I do rule over myself. For instance, I take a mix of sertraline, tramadol and kratom which keeps me very well-balanced and in a good state of mind. I understand that it would be preferable to be able to maintain that balance without these things but I’m happy to let them rule over me for now.
What are three things you couldn’t live without?
How to answer this? Air, food, water? Or, really there’s nothing that I couldn’t live without? I enjoy the things I have in my life but if I didn’t have them I could still live. So, I guess I could think of the question like this – what are three things you prefer not to live without. Maybe that’s easy too. Amy, books, music. If I could have four then I would add cats.
So here’s the last of my Dostoevsky cool quotes for now, this time from the fantastic The Dream of a Ridiculous Man. Despite being quite dark and moody I feel like my poems came out a little more on the positive side – perhaps a reflection on how I was feeling when I wrote the poems compared with when I was inspired by the quotes as I was reading the story.
Acknowledgement to Husker Du and Rob Crow/Heavy Vegetable for some relevant phrases and ideas and, as before, the poems borrow heavily from the text.
Searching for a picture for this post also lead me to finding this hand painted animation of the story.
Ah, it’s so hard to be the only one to know the truth! But they won’t understand it. No, they won’t.
Maybe it was the result of the conviction that dawned upon me quite independently of my will that nothing made any difference in this world.
…eternally dear to the hearts of her most ungrateful children.
We can truly love only with suffering and through suffering. We don’t know how to love otherwise; we don’t know any other love. I want to suffer so that I may love.
My hatred for the people of our earth had always contained a feeling of despair – why couldn’t I hate them without loving them?
They grew to appreciate the beauty of untruth…the germ of the lie penetrated their hearts, and they took a fancy to it.
…they experienced suffering, and came to love it; they declared that suffering was the only way to Truth. Then science spread among them.
Each became so jealous of his individuality that he had to do his best to belittle and humble the individuality of others….
Voluntary slavery in which the weak submitted to the strong of their own free will, if only in order to gain their support to oppress those who were even weaker than themselves.
We’re striving for the same things; we’re all, from the sage to the worst criminal, making our way toward the same objective. Only we’re trying to get there by different roads.
Let’s say paradise will never come about! I know myself it won’t – yet I’ll still go on preaching.
Afterword:
Man’s desires are not reasonable and often make him act against his own interest and common sense, but they are what makes him human.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the daily struggle of thinking of something to write here, without repeating myself. During the day something will pop into my mind to write but when I sit down to do it I struggle to remember. As days are somewhat repetitive at the moment I keep coming up with the same ideas. So anyway, I am grateful that I have this first-world problem.
1994ever 