I cannot close my eyes to the injustices I see; unable to make a difference, it’s just frustrating me.
Whilst others suffer, happiness is an illusion; I can’t wrap my head around this disappointing conclusion.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the availability of almost any book I desire to read. If I can’t buy a physical book I can usually find a digital copy.
Reading ‘The King Never Smiles’ is a saddening experience. Each night, I read about 10 pages, and I am enlightened more and more about the reality for Thai people. They have been totally manipulated and tricked into submission – not even submission – it’s like Stockholm Syndrome.
They have learned to love their captor. Every protest and uprising in the last 100 years has amounted to exactly the same thing – a useless government hamstrung by palace politics and corruption. Governments can barely last a few years, sometimes not even making it to their first day. It’s so frustrating that it makes one wish for private fighter jets to go and eliminate evil.
Whilst mine and Amy’s lives here are beyond comfortable, we are struggling through empathy for the rest of the population, deluded and ignorant or not. When Amy says she wants to leave, I can’t help but feel it is a case of wanting to stick one’s head in the sand. If it can’t be seen, then it has no effect.
Unfortunately for me, I have always felt empathy for people around the world suffering in this way, no matter where I reside. I have been, and still do, enjoy my time here, and the suffering I see for the people here doesn’t lessen my concern for those suffering in Brazil or the USA, anywhere else.
With the rules and laws here, though, trying to fight back against them is very dangerous if you live here. The ones desiring radical change are forced overseas to speak their mind and often lose the local population’s confidence by being abroad. A catch-22 easily exploited by the powerful. It’s sickening and saddening and pushes one to the dark corners of nihilism.
There seems little hope for humanity despite these comparatively good times we live through.
We’re ten rounds in to the Australia Rules Football season and as my team, Sydney Swans, is doing better this year than the last couple, I look forward to the weekends when I can catch up with the game. I can’t afford to watch the games live anymore and have to wait the following day to watch the (free) replay, meanwhile doing whatever I can to avoid seeing the result anywhere, which is not always easy.
One player in the team is Nick Blakey and he cuts an unusual figure, tall, skinny and shoulders that seem to fall away from his neck down to his elbows. His odd gait when he is running has earned him the, hopefully lighthearted, nickname of the Lizard. Once hearing this, it is impossible not to see a Jesus lizard scampering across water when he goes tearing off down field.
Nick Blakey, trying to shrug his shoulders.
So, anyway, the word Lizard has been on my mind and I will probably listen to the Jesus Lizard when I get home tonight. And, yesterday, the blue headed beauty in the main picture above blocked my exit from the car park, and luckily didn’t run away until I’d gotten out and taken a photo.
The little lizard below often greets me on the stone pillar of our gate when I get home. He’s got some cute symmetrical markings. His many, many brothers and sisters leave piles of black turds around the floor and counter edges throughout our house. And sometimes our cats deliver us some mid sized lizards that manage to escape their jaws and scitter off under the fridge or washing machine, only to appear later, high up on the screen doors frustrated that they can’t get out.
Nothing beats that time Amy, barefoot, trod on a huge dead gecko that, presumably, Tigger had left as a present in the dining room. I say presumably Tigger as this lizard was as big as Kim Chi and Cappuccino is too dumb to catch anything that size. Amy hates geckos with a passion but I think they’re beautiful – not that I want to touch it. Her scream range out across the valley and I’m surprised the police didn’t come.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to go on a long drive today and get out of home. It was a struggle.
“a parent catching her child with cigarettes and forcing him to smoke the whole pack.”
Despite my father dying of lung cancer when I was a baby, my mother kept smoking for another 15 to 20 years after, then gave up in her early 60s and lived for another 20 years, though she suffered from COPD in the last 5 or so years which restricted her a lot.
I grew used to her smoking though I actually have no real memory of her puffing on a cigarette. Of course it was only natural her naughty son would steal an occasional cigarette, find a way to light it and go off down the end of the garden and practice smoking. I could be an adult too.
It was a great game. Waiting for my mother to leave her packet unattended, gradually sneaking a couple more each time. I was never caught but I’m guessing she knew. When I had upgraded to smoking in my bedroom I would get caught once or twice and my mum just tutted and asked where I got the cigarettes from to which I would guiltily lie. She couldn’t really say much without looking like a hyprocrite.
I also upgraded to stealing my grandfather’s beer which he kept stored in an outdoor shed. I loved the feeling alcohol gave me. I also remember being able to open my gullet so the liquid went straight down without gulping. A talented 13 year old I was becoming.
When my mum gave up smoking I had already started earning my own money and had developed my own addiction. I was proud of her giving up. I still hated myself too much to try. It wasn’t until much later when my son was born that I eventually stopped and that took a huge effort. At that point I was still secretly smoking at work and stuffing down packets of mints so my wife wouldn’t detect it. But eventually I stopped.
I still have dreams about that and sometimes I hit lucidity within the dream and wonder about the fact that I still smoke sometimes. It’s a weird feeling. I really hate the smell of burning cigarettes now and try to avoid going to bars and restaurants where smoking is permitted, something which is still common throughout Asia.
If the Chinese want to make a silent protest towards their government they should surely quit smoking and stop that tax money ending up in the pockets of their leaders! But cigarettes are like a handshake there, a different cultural definition.
Anyways, I was never forced to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes fortunately, though everyone knew the story of some kid that it had been forced upon. Did it ever happen or is it just urban legend?
This is England….
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I could quickly get over an injustice towards me. I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach today because the students are doing exams.
To-do list
Finish death course ✅
Read the Bandcamp article ✅
Staple exams
Write a blog post ✅
Practice eye gaze technique ½
A long day stuck in the classroom with nothing to do but read, which was OK, just a little lacking in stimulation. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen so much.
I went to the psychiatrist after school and got new medication. I mentioned to him I had had a difficult emotional event on Monday but after a short period of time I have managed to overcome it. It felt good to tell him about this.
It later got me thinking about how much I trust this person to open up to because I feel a little judgemental towards him as he is from a different culture. Is that fair? Probably not. But it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.
In the evening we went to Nong Nik’s graduation dinner. Amy drank quite a lot and showed a lot of love and affection to her mum. As we drove home though she was very animated about her frustrations with living in Thailand. It’s an ongoing source of concern and I’m not sure how to help. Moving back to Australia isn’t a very realistic option for us at the moment.
I am also not quite happy at the moment either. This could be connected with Kimi’s death which has made me re-evaluate things somewhat. Amy says I can quit school any time and she will go work in Australia. This is a possibility but I still would like to see if I can remain happy at a school and learn to deal with the stupid events better.
Thursday is another easy day of teaching and I will try to enjoy it as much as I can, stay in the present. Remember to breathe, remember you could die tomorrow. Let’s try not to make anyone cry today.
I had a nice though busy weekend and managed to cross a few things off my to-do list.
Time does seem to go too fast though and I often try to recall that feeling of being bored and struggling to think of things to do – but then using my creative mind to start something. I still have some remnants of this and now never struggle to find new ideas and activities to pursue.
We have so many more options now – not just for entertainment and relaxation but for everything. Everything is at your fingertips – when life has no struggle it can be difficult to give it meaning.
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful to have the chance to travel around South East Asia whilst helping other people with their music. If all goes to plan I’ll be able to again in April and finally make it to Kota Kinabalu and Yogyakarta. I’m really excited and looking forward to new adventures.
14th Apr 2021 – Covid 19 pandemic spoiled these plans.
Slept deeply last night – for some reason the stress of standing up for myself on a small issue has made me very tired.
Yesterday was also a little frustrating as my students seem to have mostly forgotten what they did last week. Not all of them but enough to show that this will be a struggle. I do remember having a similar feeling in CRPAO soon after I started. I guess I need to adjust my expectations – teach to the top/middle – keep them interested.
I woke up tired but feel reasonably confident this morning. I only have two lessons today so can spend a lot of time preparing more lessons.
Gratitude Journal
I was so happy and grateful to watch the sunrise this morning. It came up over the mountain behind the temple spire and it was amazing. Every day the sun comes up. Long before I was here and long after I’m gone.
1994ever 