Inspired by a quote from Gangaji
I Am Suffering – 25th June 2025
Tag: suffering
Tried and travelled,
A Pointed Smile – 30th April 2025
Shared with Momoetry April Poet Month challenge – finish. Inspired by the real-life struggles of a 16-year-old student, I reminded her to look at this situation with the positive spin that she usually can muster but cannot see right now. I remember that feeling, though I was never able to muster any positivity at the time.
One day, it will be gone and done,
a pointed smile towards the sun;
we made it to the end.
The trials and suffering, done and gone,
never slept on, always kept on;
well done, yourself, my friend.
Since Candide – 27th September 2024
Since Candide, suffering continues
Existential anxiety remains
Unreconciled with our worldviews
And what our nature explains
Incoherent and senseless
Are we significant at all?
Absurdity undermines purpose
To applaud or to appeal?
To fill the void with meaning
The pursuit of pleasure or power
Afflicts society’s dreaming
Making all our thoughts sour
Down in deepest depression
Addiction rises to the fore
Ideology turns to aggression
The neurotic triad score
Put it all in order, truth
Beauty and justice to prevail
For the sake of creation, proof
There is no win or fail
Absurd joy par excellence
It’s in the act, the doing
The ephemeral quality of existence
Meaning worth pursuing
The love of nature, the love of art
An admiration of a story told
The love of work plays a part
That’s the love on which to hold
What is the meaning to be chosen?
The stance taken on this burden
A call to action thaws unfrozen
A decision made becomes certain
Courage and honour found
In the darkest circumstances
Thoughts and attitude profound
And Candide’s life advances
Inspired by this article on the meaning of suffering at Philosophy Now
There’s Cake – 12th August 2023
Security kills me
Anxiety keeps me alive
The paranoid and prudent
Get to survive
I don’t want to be happy
I don’t want to want
I don’t deserve it
There must be more
More than survival
A life without pain
Would often be short
Our wealth is unhealthy
But we’re mostly bought
Found in abundance
At a temporary table
Making me so fat
And mentally unstable
I don’t want to feel good
I don’t want to want
But I want to be good
My biology
Keeps eating my cake
Today I’m feeling:
Slooow to go! I had a weed gummy last night which I thought didn’t really have much effect beyond focusing concentration on playing guitar. And trying to fix the Canna butter bottle that broke, I had a drop or less of that which seemed to get me thinking sideways for the rest of the evening that rapidly disappeared. I had deeply thought-provoking dreams that felt quite negative in that they reminded me of my age and my place in the world. I woke up a little shook. I feel pretty damn relaxed now though. The heat and rain have gone for a while and it’s nice enough to sit outside again with a soft breeze stirring. I’ve been out here for an hour already.
Today I’m grateful for:
Bruno picking me up at the Nissan dealer in the afternoon. We went up to Ahka Cottage for coffee whilst the car was being ‘serviced’. I put that in quotes as it’s sometimes a little difficult to know if they really check over everything or just change the oil and filter and things you ask them. Presumably, they’re doing a good job.
I’m also grateful to Gong at Utopia who called ahead to Daytripper about a pipette for me for my CBD oil.
What was the best thing today?
Seeing Amy happy back in her room in Sydney, already thinking about how to enjoy her last eight weeks there. She was happy to return to more comfortable temperatures although it has been a little cooler here too today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It was odd to be in the passenger seat of a car for a change. Weird not to have a car key in my pocket.
Something I learned today?
Watching Brian Dunning’s inFact explained why there are suddenly lots of military UFO sightings in the last six months. It all seemed to be down to a core group of connected people who have pushing their theories for the last 15 years. They’re not presenting anything new but they are all presenting it at the same time, presumably to inspire funding from the government. Which country? You can guess, it’s your friend and mine, the USA! It’s rare to hear about UFO sightings anywhere else.
What is my favourite time of day?
Although I struggle to do it without external motivation I’ve come to enjoy the mornings, especially living here in Chiang Rai. Age and location also have an influence, as well as circumstances of obligations.
I pretty much like any time of day. I’m alive and the passing of time is increasing. It’s not impossible to enjoy every breath but the last one should be spent in contentment.
Work In Progress – 25th December 2022
All around is static
A photo reel reflection
I see myself, a boy, a man
Open to inspection
Shadows passing in ceaseless flux
A work in progression
Destruction and evolution
Are the cycles of obsession
Holding onto pain
Until I learned to let it go
Significance is impermanent
As I’ve slowly come to know
People who cannot suffer can never grow up, never discover who they are.
James Baldwin
Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and average, not up, not down.
Today I’m grateful for:
Our machete, which I seem to blunt every time I use it but it helped me cut through the vines of the passionfruit. Do I need to buy an angle grinder now so that I can sharpen it again? Or perhaps I will go to auntie next door one day and challenge myself to communicate what I need.
The best thing about today was:
Pushing through my desire to sleep and motivate myself to finish pulling down all the passionfruit plants. I thought I would just let it go wild forever but after three months of constant collecting and juicing, then drinking I feel like I’ve had enough passionfruit now! The plant tangles up easily and even a couple of weeks after I chopped it off at the base it was still a pain in the ass to get it down from the frame it was wrapped around.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got up a little later than usual so by the time I got to Utopia my usual spot was gone and I had to sit on the uncomfortable car seat. That’s ok, sometimes it’s good to see the same part of the world from a different angle (see yesterday). The coffee was good, the book was good. As it was uncomfortable to sit for long I didn’t hang around as long as I usually do so that was kinda good anyway, get home and get on with things.
Something I learned today?
Today I messed around with ChatGPT and then the full Invoke AI, to see what pictures it came up with. I’ll learn a little more about this to see if I can use it to generate images for my blog posts.
Did you celebrate Christmas today? Write about it.
Not particularly. Amy likes to put up a Christmas tree and lights and she gave a gift to Nut and Bruno before we went for a more upmarket-than-normal meal. Amy is getting her eyelashes done and I’m listening to Liars and The Feud at home.
Blues Understanding – 7th December 2022
Confront suffering
By making peace with the world
Whilst fighting against it
Embrace it wholeheartedly
Structure, inseparable
Death and suffering
Within lies freedom
The contradictory idea
Accept injustice as real
And never stop fighting against it
Every path is correct
With the blues understanding
1st Jun 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Colour Challenge
Your complicated parts are your best parts. They are what make you interesting and special.
Tarzan Kay
Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
Google Drive and being able to store my files for lessons there and then to adapt them to suit my schedule and plans. Having this in place has made life more flexible for me and waste less of my precious time.
The best thing about today was:
Being back in the classroom, into the thick of it, enjoying what little control I have over my students. I’m sometimes surprised they ever listen to me at all. A good start to a three-day week for me.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I discovered about ten of my students did nothing for my class yesterday and when I discovered that they had the ability to do it but just that they didn’t even bother I was a little frustrated. In the end, I pushed, prodded and encouraged them and tried to show them that with a little effort, they could achieve more. I didn’t let frustration overwhelm me.
Something I learned today?
I learned that Nay at House is 30 years old though she could still get away for 19. With her poor English and my poor Thai, we used Gui as a translator and expressed our opposing opinions on fair and tan skin and our reasons for them. No deep insights from this exchange or anything standing out especially today though I’m trying to force myself to recall things that I have read in previous 24-hour periods and finding it a struggle. I was desperately trying to remember the Chekhov story I read last night which inspired me at the time and eluded me today. Coincidentally, it loosely ties in with today’s prompt about earliest memories as the story, Grisha, was about seeing the world through the eyes of a toddler.
Write about your earliest memory.
I’m not sure about my age with some of my memories but they revolve around being maybe from 4 to 8 years old in Whitehaven and I have a few different memories from then and can’t pinpoint which would be the earliest. I also know that I lived in a small hamlet called Blencogo before Whitehaven and I have a vague recollection of the house and garden there but can’t be certain I’m getting them mixed up with other memories, including one when visiting around that area in my mid-20s. I will write more about my early memories at some point.
Reaching The End Of The Internet – 31st October 2022
We all live in a trivia submarine
Deeper into holes full of rabbits
From the Can I Haz Cheeseburger? meme
To fountains and mountains of shitty reddits
Diving through dark webs of extreme
Impossible to break these sad habits
Nothing is said but it may seem
As if everyone has already said it
That is what everyone’s work should be – a confession, a baring of your soul, your faults, those things you simply cannot or will not understand or accept. You stumble forward, confused, and you share. If you’re lucky, you learn something.
Arthur Miller
Today I’m feeling:
Half motivated half exhausted.
Today I’m grateful for:
There being little to do at school today so I spent some time drinking coffee and updating my blog. Time flew by and I could’ve stayed for longer but ended up coming home. It’s been more than a month since I spent a whole day at school!
The best thing about today was:
Riding my bike up to the post office and sending a package to Hayden with the printout from my 1979 blog entries. Picking up some fried rice on the way back and enjoying a laid-back afternoon reading, watching YouTube and playing the guitar.
What challenged you today?
Forcing myself to follow the mantra I wrote yesterday, to not be lazy and to do my best usual five minutes exercise. Then to not push myself further and go too hard too quickly. I have to remember that I built up to the stamina I had before and can’t just go straight back into it. With Amy coming soon I need to get this rolling again.
Old Smelly Goat – 7th October 2022
The old smelly goat can always be found
In an honest conversation
The bush is eaten, not beaten around
Never requiring explanation
And so the room is full of his stink
At least in your imagination
The truth doesn’t care about what you think
Your position or situation
He who has endured most suffering, most privation, will awaken in the afterwards most keenly alive.
Lev Shestov
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and satisfied.
Today I’m grateful for:
Watching the sunset from the middle of the valley, across rice fields and the big wide sky. I felt at one with the world.
The best thing about today was:
Discovering a whole new part of the valley to explore when I have more time. I didn’t want to go out in the afternoon as I’m already sunburnt so I decided to go at 5pm and I raced down to the airport only having a rough idea of where I wanted to go and so I found lots of nice villages and rice fields and good riding tracks and with lots of wide open space with tracks going off everywhere. Not much jungle here in the valley.
Cells – 18th September 2022
Multiplied and divided
Grow, grow, let’s go
Take over full control
Double what you sow
Stuck in the blood
The economy of fire
Divide and multiply
Punished by desire
Spaces filled by ashes
Opportunity comes a-knocking
The tumour is a-rolling
Pumped by hearts a-rocking
Starve the common driver
Temper evolution from within
Back in white counts
The cancer starts to thin
The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.
Carl Jung
Today I’m grateful for:
Seeing Amy happy and dancing around her apartment in Sydney as she was enjoying her Sunday knowing she can do whatever she wants.
The best thing about today was:
Sydney Swans making it through to the grand final this year even if it was by the slimmest of margins and the tension was immense.
Dib Dib Dib – 15th September 2022
There’s a hard winter coming
Are you ready for the chill?
Stock up the cellars
Bring the herd down from the hill
Wrap yourself in the comforts
Of a trouble gladly shared
Tie the boats up to the shore
And hunker down prepared
I think I could stand anything, an suffering, only to be able to say and to repeat to myself every moment, ‘I exist.’
Dostoevsky
Today I’m grateful for:
Having the freedom, available space and time to be able to talk to students in my classes today in ones, twos and threes. It is entirely a better way for me to get a clearer idea of their abilities and also relieve their pressures around making mistakes. It’s not possible to do this all the time but I’m glad I decided to do it today.
The best thing about today was:
Just a general sense of well-being and contentment. Nothing stands out more than anything else.
1994ever 