Reality doesn’t care about your shoulds and shouldn’ts The way out of suffering is the same on any scale Would you side with peace or with the wouldn’ts? Determined to see the negotiations fail Does the price of peace negate your profits? How many bodies are on your bottom line? The brave will do the right thing to stop it Not afraid to call the reality a crime
First two lines borrowed from Caitlin Johnstone
Today I’m feeling:
Slow but positive. Got home at around midnight and found the documentary about the making of Dogs in Space on TV so watched that and then there was a show about an explosion on an active volcanic island in New Zealand that killed 22 tourists. It was pretty compelling and kept me up til 2 am.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s co-workers to have become good friends and colleagues over the last 18 months. They were quite emotional to say goodbye today at dinner.
The best thing about today was:
Walking through Balmain down to the ferry, with a beautiful full blue Australian sky, purple jacaranda blooms scattered across the ground and the scent of jasmine everywhere.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy wants to dance this evening and I’m tired already but know that she will miss all this very much. I sat just outside in the foyer reading and finally, Amy came out.
Something I learned today?
China’s divorce rate has dropped for three years in a row. This seems surprising considering that time includes pandemic lockdowns where it would be assumed that families having to spend so much time together would get on each other’s nerves and separate easily.
What are you afraid of?
Toothache. At the wedding, I broke some more off one of my teeth whilst eating risotto of all things. The nerve isn’t exposed thankfully but it’s only a matter of time before more pieces break off and fall out. Toothache is the worst!
I’m afraid of other more existential things too but right now it’s toothache!
What am I longing for right now?
Knowing a long flight is ahead tomorrow I’m longing to be back home again.
I took this picture because it was a beautiful day to be a tourist in Sydney so that’s what we did.
This city has me beat And it’s you, not me We’re not like we used to be I used to love this dirty street Where I could run free From mountain to sea Seems it’s been too long Between drinks for you and me And what we used to be Now everything feels wrong And once again I’ll flee From the concrete to the tree
Today I’m feeling:
A bit more lively. Slept at about 1 am when I actually felt sleepy for a change. Woke up a few times to pee and then my neck was uncomfortable so got up at 8.30 am. I need to get back to exercise and routine when back home to Thailand.
Today I’m grateful for:
The Mediterranean breakfast that I had for lunch. I haven’t eaten halloumi and hommus for a long time and it was a good affirmation that they still taste good to me.
The best thing about today was:
Catching up with Jochen and Sabina again, enjoying a great meal of Indian food and then Jochen and I checked out Batpiss and Deafcult at the Red Rattler. The show had an odd vibe but I enjoyed the music, especially having not been around really loud guitar bands for so long.
Something I learned today?
I learned how to get to the Tramsheds and also saw the new buildings that have gone up replacing the old Harris Park stadium.
What is something I’m getting better at doing?
I suppose as I get older I’m getting worse at doing physical things but getting better at mental and emotional things. I get better at the things I practice; language, guitar, self-control.
This is the only picture I took today, at the playground behind the Harris Park apartments.
What are the odds This collection of atoms came together And had these thoughts?
What are the odds You look at me looking at you Could we be just zeros and noughts?
What are the odds The serpent swallows the tail Clinging to dogmatic belief?
What are the odds Surrounding the enemy with gun towers Will bring both factions relief?
What are the odds A three-legged horse Stumbles forward to win the race?
What are the odds These atoms are once again returned To be in their rightful place?
Today I’m feeling:
I thought I would be able to sleep last night but by midnight I was awake again so watched some cricket and read until about 2 am when I finally fell asleep.
A couple of hours after waking up again I’m still blurry. I kind of hope I can struggle through and when I get back to Thailand I can more easily fall back into place with the time change again.
Today I’m grateful for:
An easy day of not having to rush around to meet people. It’s a rainy grey day too so, perfect for minimal action and some TV watching.
The best thing about today was:
Finding a George Carlin documentary on the Foxtel box that they have here where we are staying. Like any kind of cable or stream service, there are a bajillion crappy things to scroll through until you find some gold.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
We caught a bus out to Leichardt to try some Italian food and as we were approaching our stop the bus suddenly veered off down another street and so we got off at the first stop and had to walk back in the rain and cold. Amy complained a little but it wasn’t very far and was soon cheered up by seeing a beautiful blue point cat in a window as we went by.
Something I learned today?
I checked out the new Kings Comics location in Sydney, now in a very nice building on Clarence Street. I saw a copy of Love and Rockets #13 there which means I have a couple of back issues to read to catch up on it.
What is one area of life I’d like to improve?
In general, my life is pretty good. Getting some minor health issues addressed would be useful such as my dodgy teeth, eyes and feet. That’s about it.
I took this picture because these lights outside the school in Rozelle are pretty
With no subjects, you are no king Perhaps just the king of nothing No one to serve and bring To give your life the desired meaning
Addicted to looking on down From the belltowers of the town An arsenal of words to deploy The superiority for one to enjoy The minions though, now vacated The unknowingly abdicated
Today I’m feeling:
I managed to sleep around midnight but kept waking up, eventually getting up at 9.30 but not really waking up until coffee and breakfast at 11. Even so, I think I could sleep again now. I miss the times of long good sleep, about two weeks ago!
I got a photo from Noey yesterday of her and Art in Utopia without me, where we all usually are on Sunday mornings.
Today I’m grateful for:
Dave and Mai to pick us up and pick up Amy’s things that she can’t bring back to Thailand, drive us into the city and enjoy breakfast together.
The best thing about today was:
A general feeling of calm and well-being, noticed particularly when sitting in Three Wise Monkies as Amy drank a red wine and I looked out of the window as folks struggled with the sudden cold wind and rain.
Something I learned today?
Israel advised people to leave the North Gaza Strip before they would bomb there. That’s nice, isn’t it? Then, they bombed the people as they were out in the open leaving. There will be war forever in Israel. Even when Palestine has disappeared completely, the Zionist agenda has made too many victims.
I took this picture because I was quite impressed with this view from the top floor of Myer.Fatman report
Every little while Comes surreptitious smile Whilst looking at a girl’s pretty toes A leaf whirls from the sky A bike goes whizzing by Towards the city’s night time neon glows
The matrix may be woken The nightmare briefly broken When the moonlit water shimmers A coffee cup of thoughts Sees a pumpkin on the porch And hopes to hold on to the glimmers
So tired. Only had about 5 or 6 hours sleep again but had to get up and go to meet Hayden and Bronwyn for breakfast and though I’m tired I still have energy reserves probably from all the food I’ve been eating.
Today I’m grateful for:
The guy from the AEC who helped us skip the hour-long queue because I told him we weren’t sure if we were registered. Neat trick. Got to the Yum Cha quicker for lunch.
The best thing about today was:
Walking around the park parts of Barangaroo and under the bridge, past the Rocks and to Circular Quay was pretty nice this morning. Even though the visage is familiar and I have many similar photos it’s pretty hard to resist taking new ones.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My sleep is still totally out of control. The funny thing is that when I woke up at 8 am Sydney time and sent a message to one of my students, where it was 4 am, they replied wondering why I was still awake. I asked them the same thing! I tried to nap at 4 pm but that was useless too. I’m just out of whack.
Something I learned today?
Our friends Mei and Haken were in a car crash last night though luckily neither were seriously hurt. Mei was supposed to be a bridesmaid at the wedding today but unfortunately was still a little sore and shaken up for those duties.
What is something I look forward to every day?
Coffee. I’ve gotten used to the coffee in Chiang Rai now though and these Aussie coffees are not so tastily satisfying for me anymore. I managed to stick with just two today though, which is good.
Bronwyn took this picture because she wanted another shot of Hayden and me together. We looked at each other laughing and shaking our heads at her. I like this picture a lot.
When my boot is on your neck I’ll offer you charity for your aid Then once our positions are understood Your debt to me needs to be repaid
I’m sympathetic to all your woes But don’t finger-point at me Even though it’s no longer a secret About my foreign policy
The blame lies back with yourself And your own quest to rule The floods and famine of God’s will And you’ve been played the fool
You are the pirates, as I steal You are the dictator, as I dictate Look around for your own slaves And look to me to imitate
I rained down democratic bombs Gave you the freedom you need You’re exactly where you are wanted Precisely as I agreed
Today I’m feeling:
(2 am) Despite a long day, I’m still awake. Have a headache and tense legs. I want to sleep. I know I’m tired. But my body just won’t let me.
I’ve watched a star travel from the middle of the window until the edge, over these last three hours.
(11 am) I woke up again around 7 am with the sun shining through the window and was wide awake again for another hour. I managed to get up despite not wanting to, as I want to get coffee!
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to link my Aussie bank card to Apple Pay which makes it easy to pay for things here.
The best thing about today was:
The evening of jazz was nice and I enjoyed it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
After looking forward to walking down King Street in Newtown I was disappointed in the shops that are there now and that despite it being late-night shopping, everywhere except for bars and restaurants were already closing before 6 pm. The city too seems a little over-gentrified with only a few old-school shops being able to hold on and it won’t be long for them either. This is not my city anymore.
Something I learned today?
Sydney is not what it used to be.
I got a message today that we go back to school on the 27th which gives me a couple of extra recovery days. However, for some reason they want us to work at the weekend too! I think for us we can probably just go and clock in though. I’m not sure what they expect us to be doing really.
What is one thing that I have always wanted to create?
Since enjoying music so much in my life I’ve also wanted to make it. Unfortunately, I have little talent or education and now I don’t make enough time to do it despite having the tools available. There’s still plenty of time left, right?
I took this picture because this is the first, and maybe last, time at Lazybones jazz club in Marrickville.
I didn’t ask to be me Yet here I am Not excited or proud to be But that’s what I am Why can’t I be you There you are I like your point of view And what you are Together is community Made from many mes All signals of society The mes, the yous, the wes
inspired by the first paragraph of the introduction to Wallace Shawn’s Essays
Today I’m feeling:
I woke up feeling pretty great as the sun was coming up. Unfortunately, it was just the street lights from outside, I’d only slept for three hours and it was 1.30 in the morning.
I eventually got back to sleep and Amy woke me up again at around 10.30. I still wanted to sleep more but forced myself up.
Amy is showing me around the area now, like the tourist I’m actually feeling. I’d forgotten how big Australians are. Loud too!
A successful shopping expedition has me dressed for dinner tonight and the wedding on Saturday. I feel fucked though and will perhaps sleep a little despite three shots of Campos.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding new shirts and pants at reasonable prices (for Australia) at Birkenhead Point. It’s nice to be in a place where there is lots of choice for me. In Thailand, it is difficult to find nice clothes in my size. Anything that really attracts me is usually made for skinny Thai boys.
The best thing about today was:
Doing 10000 steps without realising. In the evening after cocktails and tapas, we walked from Barangaroo to Haymarket then back through Chinatown and up George Street to catch the bus back. It was cold in the wind but perfect out of it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Today was about going with the flow which meant letting go of control. Amy continued as my tour guide through new areas of the city and I enjoyed it very much.
One thing I noted was that just outside Paddy’s Market a family car had stopped in the middle of the road and a big old Ute couldn’t get past and the guy inside kept leaning on his horn. That doesn’t happen in country town Thailand. No one will toot their horn, they’ll just wait or even get out for a sticky beak to see what the situation is. I can imagine in Bangkok it’s a little different but that’s what I’m used to in sleepy Chiang Rai.
Something I learned today?
As Amy and I were walking up to the bus stop I could see that I have changed. I now walk much slower than her, now moving at the speed of a Tropic dweller, just as I remember having to slow down when visiting my friends in Malaysia.
The peculiarities of Australians feel mildly annoying but I know that that is my fault, not theirs. It is something that makes me feel like I’m a tourist again.
What am I nervous or anxious about?
I’m anxious about Amy’s return to Thailand and how she will deal with things. Anxious about next April and the air pollution and the possibility of being able to escape it for a while.
That’s about it really.
I took this picture because that’s not a bad view from the bar we’re drinking at.
Awake and alive despite only about six hours of sleep. Also feeling a little fragile and on edge but don’t know why. I feel like if something doesn’t go to plan I could easily lose the plot.
Today I’m grateful for:
Funfai for inviting me to play tennis which we finally got to do today. I made it through about 30 minutes and she had already been playing for an hour before that! It was only 9.30 am but over 30 degrees and no shade. I haven’t played for more than twenty years so everything was pretty stiff. My brain knew what it wanted my body to do but my body wasn’t always capable. I was dizzy after sitting down, drenched in sweat and super stinky as my shirt was one of those that hadn’t dried properly in the sun last week. And although my body feels used up I think it is happy to have been used. I want to go again!
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that Carsick Cars will play in Sydney whilst I’m there! I saw they will play with Garry David, so hit up Bob Blunt to get more info. Amy already has me busy with lunch and dinner appointments on the day they play but Bob advised that they added an afternoon matinee show which I should be able to squeeze in – no problem! Cool bananas! He also told me Julian Wu is the tour organiser so I messaged him too and he’s prepaid a ticket for me and it will be awesome to catch up with everyone again. What a trip!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got a message overnight from an M3 student, Pon, who I taught last year saying he was hoping to join the English Program next year but his grades weren’t up to scratch. I had rarely interacted with him and he was always quiet in class though he usually did my work. His low grade was when Dylan was teaching him and I’m not sure why he decided to message me to say he was devastated. I’m understanding but not exactly sympathetic. His grade was in his own hands and now he’s reaping the results of his lack of attention at the time. ‘Don’t care was made to care’ as I was often told as a child! Students are not taught how their decisions and actions affect their futures.
I read an article today about the negative effects of phone use and social media on children and how it affects the mental health of the undeveloped brain. It’s common sense to me that kids shouldn’t have phones in class! Even though I have tried to have them utilise their phones for study they often switch in and out to other apps which I know is detrimental to learning and memory.
I also received a message from my M2 student Alew, asking about scholarships. I don’t know how you go about applying for those but I’m glad he’s asking the question. I pointed him to Champ who may be able to give him some advice.
Something I learned today?
I saw that in China you can order your taxi by phone and if you are not sure where it might be, like at an airport for example, you can shake your phone and it will trigger the hazard lights on the car. And once in the taxi, you can control the aircon from your phone too.
What motivates me to do my best?
If I am invested in something I will do my best. Sometimes if I’m not invested I will also try to do my best but be less bothered about the result.
I am always trying my best at school to entertain and teach my classes. I put a lot of effort and energy into that and I’m personally motivated by that. I care about the results for the students and not for the results as seen by the school, which is why I disagree strongly with their grading policy.
Funfai took this picture because I asked her to. I wanted to see how I looked after running around in the sun for thirty minutes!
Tired from a long reasonable sleep. My body is aching from all the exercise this week so I’ll happily give it a little break. No plans in particular for today though I might watch the AFL replays as they should be good games. I’ll get some reading in today as I skipped it a lot this week, running out of time and energy. I need to pick up the guitar too. Suddenly I’m filling a relaxing day but at least there’s no real stress right now.
Today I’m grateful for:
A dreamy afternoon nap, spacing in and out of the jazz core podcast. Is that weird? I remember one time as a teenager Jez came around and he couldn’t believe I was sleeping and listening to Crass’s Yes Sir, I Will album cranked up and to be fair I wasn’t in a deep sleep but spacing in and out. I guess I’m well-practiced.
The best thing about today was:
Drinking late morning coffees and getting a super buzz off them. I contemplated a third but managed to restrain myself. I wish I could drink endless coffees without getting so jacked up on them.
What is it that makes you a weirdo in your space?
To answer this I might have to figure out what ‘my space’ means. In fact, I might be considered a weirdo in any space these days. But I’m projecting that onto other people. I don’t think of myself as weird at all.
My space as a teacher: not just as a teacher but as a teacher in Thailand. By being a foreigner, that immediately makes me an anomaly. We are treated differently by other teachers and students alike.
My style of interaction with the teachers is relatively normal but I am one of only two teachers I ever see engaging with kids outside of class. This could also contribute to how the students treat me differently too.
They don’t show the same respect but they are more interactive at least. I don’t see myself as being on some kind of untouchable pedestal that this status could afford. I’d rather connect on a more friendly level. That means also having to deal with all their emotional ups and downs and behavioural issues as they are navigating their teenage growth.
What the Thai teachers think about my style of interaction with the students I have no idea or particular interest. I’m doing the best I can with the little skills I have and if it improves my student’s lives in any way then I consider what I’m doing to be positive.
My space as a music supporter: as demonstrated with tenzenmen I have a broad range of musical interests and whilst this makes for an unsuccessful business model I don’t wish to be defined within a limited genre because that’s just boring to me. Some people get it.
As a person that was in the middle of a ‘scene’ in Sydney, I was also, somewhat purposefully, separate from the other people involved. In many ways, I just didn’t want to deal with all the personal bullshit going on in their lives or share any of mine. Our interactions were intentionally just involving music and getting that out there. I felt that about 80% of the people were my friends whom I could trust if I ever needed but always managed to keep myself in a situation where that need would never arise. This didn’t make me close friends in their eyes but it did for me.
My space as Amy’s partner: Amy may consider me a weirdo in many ways but she understands my aesthetic and ideals whether she understands my interests or not.
For other people outside our relationship, I don’t really know what they might think about me as an individual but they are often confused about our relationship. For Amy and I, it is not confusing at all.
Many of her friends do not understand how we can trust each other and maintain our relationship when we are not together but that is hardly a statement on us and says more about them.
My space as a father to Hayden: I guess I’m not particularly weird in this space. I have never been much of a hands-on controlling kind of father and therefore have not been particularly stressed about his growing pains and even when it has been frustrating to watch him make mistakes I have always trusted that he will find his way in the end and slowly he seems to be doing that. I may be wrong but I feel many fathers deal with their sons in the same way.
There are other spaces I fill too but these feel like the main.
What would make today great?
Well, the day is almost done and it was a standard good day without anything particularly great occurring. It was great that the rain that threatened all day managed to hold off until I had brought the washing in. Small wins.
Noey took this picture because I got up late and Utopia were wondering where I was. That’s nice to be appreciated as a customer or even as a friend.Fatman report
The golden age has been and gone We danced those glorious times away Left exhausted after the final song The fat lady now has nothing to say
Revival is just a nostalgic fail That feeling cannot be repeated At least alive to tell the tale Yet feeling sad and defeated
Today I’m feeling:
A little tired and unmotivated for most of the day. A good reading day. I feel like I might be able to force myself to do a little workout after talking with Amy and before eating something.
Today I’m grateful for:
The tool (name unknown to me) that was lying around the garden (used previously to try to break down the termite mound in the front corner of the garden) which I used to dig out the tough grass that the gardeners were too lazy to get out from in between the bricks outside the kitchen. The temperature around 5 p.m. is nice now so I’ll try and do a little in the garden. This ended up replacing my exercise for the day.
The best thing about today was:
Reading Clive James’ biography about his childhood in Sydney. He lived in Kogarah which is just a suburb away from my first Sydney home in Allawah. Although I only recognise a few of the places he talks about I can get a feel from my own memories of the area.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My motivation was lacking today and whilst I did a few things I hardly feel like I accomplished anything. I suppose I don’t need to feel like I accomplished things but I often feel like there are lots of things I could enjoy doing but can’t push myself to get up and go.
Something I learned today?
The city of Birmingham in the UK has declared bankruptcy. Things don’t seem too great there at the moment.
What are the most important moments in my life?
Boiled down to basics this would be moving countries and meeting the girls that I would spend my life with, for better or worse.
My old friend Fatty would often criticise me for changing my behaviour when I had a partner and from his perspective, I’m sure there’s some truth to that. I guess because of my father dying I felt my life was missing something and subconsciously knowing that one day my mum wouldn’t be there anymore, I held on closely to my girlfriends.
In my mind, I can kind of divide up my life into who I was with at the time. These people are obviously important to me.
I found this picture online because I was chatting with Baipad about pets and she said she liked border collies. Smart dogs. I still pine to have more animals but not knowing what the future holds makes it difficult.
1994ever 