Tag: the immoralist

We got that attitude! – 13th May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the heat. I was sitting at home last night with no air con and really feeling the hot air against my body. It’s very hot, but it’s ok. It could be even hotter. It could be so cold that I would need lots of clothes. I think I prefer less clothes.

What can man do more? That is what seemed to me important to know. Is what man has hitherto said all that he could say? Is there nothing in himself he has overlooked? Can he do nothing but repeat himself?

from The Immoralist, André Gide

To-do list

  • Practice compliments to everyone/anyone ½
  • Gift for teachers ✅
  • Start considering next set of lessons

Ah, I need to remind myself about so many things. Today was thrown out first thing in the morning with some instructions to make a two-hour video by the end of the day (with no direction about purpose, reason or detail given).

We mulled it over and considered the idea and as the Thai teachers didn’t really have any more information they too were struggling with exactly what to do.

Later, we were given some topics and I was told I would film the next day. This meant having to figure something out that afternoon as we have training in the morning tomorrow. So I had to get on with it.

After a couple of hours, I had the outline and main ideas in place – though we couldn’t imagine how we could make it stretch to two hours – two hours in which we’re expected to be talking the whole time!?

At the end of the day, the Thai teachers returned and said that now the ideas had changed and it could be an hour or so and include breaks where you would expect the students to talk.

I certainly had the feeling that I had done that two hours of preparation under false pretences and now there was a new (and much easier) direction that my time could have been better used. However, I didn’t really feel that bothered or upset by it. But my mouth engaged before my brain and I complained about all the work I’d done and how I wouldn’t have time to re-do it.

The Thai teachers were somewhat sympathetic and George thought what I’d done could still be used anyway, so no harm done. I agreed and didn’t really think much about how I reacted might have been perceived differently by the Thai teachers (or even George and Dylan) because internally I wasn’t really passionate either way.

George told me as we were leaving that I shouldn’t say things like that and I realised how much more serious it must have seemed to them. I knew George was right and even though I had a chip on my shoulder fighting to protect my fragile ego, I also had an angel telling me I had made a mistake but that it was OK.

I thought about it on and off during the evening and eventually ended up sending a thank you message to George. Looking back I realise that I was just wanting to show my own superiority over them by making them feel bad about changing plans all the time. I’m sure they know already that it is annoying to foreigners and was there anything that I said that improved the situation? No – keeping my mouth shut would have been the best option. The sun will still come up tomorrow – so I don’t need to go to sleep in anger.

Today has been a valuable lesson – but will I remember it?

30th Jul 2024 – Thankfully I did remember it and I’m much better able to cope with situations like this. I’ve even become familiar with the Thai way of working and thinking that I can predict these kinds of things and at times just don’t bother with first instructions, knowing that they will change a little later. It was, indeed, a valuable lesson and I’m grateful to everyone who helped me grow through this time.

When you wore a crown of thorns and you left a trail of crumbs – 6th May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I’ve never really been one for nostalgia but being stuck at home for 8 weeks has seen me sorting out boxes of memories that I thought needed some revision and organising.

Unfortunately, lots of great memories have been triggered, special times, wild events and even the mundane. This has brought forth a great sadness. Most of my physical documentation seems to stop about 10-15 years ago as social media pushed all life into the digital environment.

How often do you scroll back through your own timelines – let alone those of your friends? A pile of photos in a box is a tangible reference to a life that is missing in the opening and closing of a URL.

I’ve started putting more thoughts and ideas into this blog in an effort to move away from Facebook. Facebook is a great tool for many things in my life but connection isn’t one of them. I’m looking back through that timeline (and Amy’s too) and tracking down pictures that I will print and probably once again store in a box. The proverbial box in the attic.

Finding some of my mother’s photos that she kept has brought into perspective the question of why do we keep these mementoes? I found a picture of my grandfather when he was a little boy. That’s nice, it’s meaningful to me. I’ll keep it. In a box, in the attic.

I can pass all this onto my son and he can choose what to do with it. The box that gets passed from attic to attic. And in 500 years? Then what? Will our physical and digital histories be available through some new technology, beamed directly into our brains.

But who will care? We have limited access to historical accounts from more than 500 years ago. Those that we do may be random, some of those important enough to have things written about or by them and deemed worth keeping. What others have been lost? Now we are in this age of mass information what will be decided as relevant? Will the rantings of a mad president be worth a discussion in a thousand years time? Will the ponderings of a youthful adult going through life changes be held up as a fine example of our era?

My sadness is through a frustration of feeling stuck right now. I feel like I have done so much, the evidence being right in front of me, I’m no longer particularly excited at the thought of new adventures. My body is getting shaky, along with my brain. It feels like my time is over, or waiting for something to come and fill it again.

It could be the post honeymoon period of having planned so long to make this move to Thailand, that now things have settled down a calm reality is setting in. I would like to embrace this. My plan was to come here and not stress about work and the rat race any longer. It hasn’t quite ended up like that.

Looking back again I’ve realised just how serious I am when starting a new project. Starting new jobs, I worked so hard to make an impression. At varying points the energy ran out, possibly from realising that my hard work was not particularly appreciated, and over time that energy has seemed to run out more quickly.

Again, when I started my teaching career here in Thailand, I worked so damn hard – too damn hard – to make a difference. My bright flashes were quickly extinguished by the cultural politics of the education system. I see other teacher’s different responses to this and consider that they have a better way of dealing with things. I set myself too high a standard sometimes, I need to be more relaxed in my own expectations.

I go back to school tomorrow. I have no enthusiasm today but a vague feeling that everything will be ok and I will slip back into things easily enough. It is somewhat a relief to have some forced discipline again, the discipline of being required at a certain place at a certain time. I feel I need and appreciate that despite being philosophically opposed to the idea of it!

I can happily fill up my time either way. But what is it for? It’s just for myself. So, what am I for? This is a question I still have difficulty in answering. I’m going to go read a book.

“But you live your wisdom,” said I; “why do you not write your memoirs? Or simply,” I added, seeing him smile, “recollections of your travels?”

“Because I do not want to recollect,” he replied. “I should be afraid of preventing the future and of allowing the past to encroach on me. It is out of the utter forgetfulness of yesterday that I create every new hour’s freshness. It is never enough for me to have been happy. I do not believe in dead things and cannot distinguish between being no more and never having been.”

– from ‘The Immoralist’ by Andre Gide

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be going to school tomorrow. It will be good to have a reason to get out of my house.