Tag: The Red Hand Files

Father To Son – 5th August 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It was never true, that all I knew
Was everything or there about
I let you believe, and so you did
I never left you any doubt

There’s always advice I’ll give you
Do with that as you so desire
As we move away, we closer get
Until it’s your turn to inspire

I hope you’ll be a better version
I’ll head toward my obsolescence
Thanks for all the fish my friends
Good luck with your adolescence

Inspired by this post at The Red Hand Files

Today I’m feeling:

A little run-down but forcing myself through with what little energy I have. My stomach is sore from all the medicine but hopefully I’m on the up from here.

Today I’m grateful for:

The welcome students gave me when I joined them at the exchange student ceremony this morning and even before that. Students I don’t even know wanted fist bumps today. That was nice.

I’m also grateful to Kru Ning for inviting me to sit with the teachers for the ceremony but I preferred to be with the students anyway, mostly because it meant that I could sneak out easily when I wanted to.

Also, Kru Pooky sent a message warning that the teachers from other countries may visit during my classes in the afternoon, with my two noisiest classes but thankfully no one came in the end.

The best thing about today was:

After sneaking out from the ceremony, I ended up talking with Mee and Rista a little while they were avoiding doing Kru David’s work. Mee told me that she is sad with herself because she doesn’t understand the English work that she is doing as extra classes outside of school. I tried to encourage her but I think that she doesn’t have the self-motivation to push herself through.

I also ended up helping Nong Fah to find the correct answers, which she appreciated.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The pharmacy was shut at Big C today and the supermarket also had a disappointing selection of expensive muesli. The bread shop had also run out of the Korean chewy cheese bread I like but I did manage to grab the last two sesame ones. I’ll keep checking back in.

Something I learned today?

Malaysia issued a travel warning for its citizens thinking about travelling to the UK, due to the demonstrations and riots there, which seem to be focusing on immigrant populations.

Who Will Believe In Me? – 28th April 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Since the times of wild Gods
Searching across the cities
In need of a believer
Not influenced by pities

Acts of the ordinary
Songs of appreciation
Is your concern real
Or needing validation?

Each note truly matters
A genuine harmony
Watching for a moment
Or care for eternity

Submitted to Writer’s Workshop Prompts – genuine, NaPoMo and inspired by the Red Hand Files #279

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and a little dizzy. For some reason last night, I couldn’t get to sleep until about 5 am, not just usual tossing and turning but first with a headache and then a feeling of being wide awake. It was annoying and my thoughts were generally dull and nostalgic. I’m totally out of whack today but forced myself up at 9 though skipped exercise.

Today I’m grateful for:

Having a month off work and not having to spend much money on petrol meant that I had enough money left to be able to buy more cat food today.

The best thing about today was:

Getting into the garden at 6 pm and replanting the little tree that was in a pot but whose roots meant that it kept getting blown over.  I don’t know if it will make it where I’ve planted it but at least it standing upright again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Definitely my sleep. It’s pretty unusual for me to not be able to fall asleep easily these days and I also need to get back into my working-week sleep pattern again soon.

Something I learned today?

It’s near the end of the League Championship football season and Ipswich are in third place with two games to play.  Leicester are in first place, also with two games left and Leeds are second with only one game to play.

Any of these three could finish first but I just want Ipswich to get promoted to the Premier League.  I doubt that they will fair well there but if they can hang around for a few years that would be good.

I’m still surprised that Bournemouth is in the EPL and Southampton in the Championship.

Did you do something difficult or challenging today?

Not napping in the afternoon was a bit of a challenge but I managed it and fingers crossed I can sleep ok tonight.  As the day has gone on I have felt an improvement in my mood which is a good sign.

Little Art took this picture of Piti, which I’m spoiling.

We’ll Be All Right – 25th March 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

Get ready for the struggle
Get up and get strong!
Don’t waste time on the puzzle
If all the pieces are wrong

Injustice sits in the heart
Sending signals to the head
Ignore them from the start
Choose to grow instead

The world is not unkind
Neither is it cruel
Fast forward, not rewind
The correct use of the tool

Inspired and paraphrased from The Red Hand Files #272

2nd Jun 2024 – Submitted to the Word of the Day Challenge

Today I’m feeling:

I’ve got some energy today, mainly through having ideas for lessons for next semester, which I need to focus on this week in preparation.  

I just hope that what I’m working on is suitable for the students and not above their level.  

I sometimes overestimate how skilled the students are and as this is my first time teaching grade 12 I have some reservations.

Today I’m grateful for:

Cap being able to come home from the vet.  He hates being there as he is a princess scaredy-cat a lot of the time.  

I doubt he slept much for the last three days but the saline has helped stabilise his blood levels and hopefully, he soon gets his appetite back.

The best thing about today was:

Getting on a roll with my lessons.  I checked with the grade 12 teacher from last year and they were very supportive of what I was hoping to teach some of these students.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I talked to Kru Mai about changing one of my classes so that they matched the other classes in that grade and he said he will look at it.  

But in the process of that conversation, the annual discussion of integrated study came up again and our grade 7 and 10 classes may need to follow that format.

I argued against this unless we are given the lessons to teach (which is not likely).  Every year they try to implement this and it’s always been shot down but it looks they are going to try and muscle it in somehow this time.

Also, any rejigging of our classes may also mean I don’t end up teaching the grade 12s that I just spent all day working on lessons for.  I asked if that could be left alone because I hope that I can get this opportunity to test out my skills and abilities, as well as the students.

Something I learned today?

USA TikTok users said that they were worried if the company was sold to a US corporation, believing that it would be more censored and restricted than it is currently as a subsidiary of a Chinese company.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Amy asked me to do many little things for her this evening and I’ve done them as required, even though it interrupted things that I was doing.

I took this picture because the full moon was looking rad as I went out to help Amy in the teaching room. She has plans for it but I’m not sure exactly what yet.

This Poet Saves Lives – 23rd February 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 25 Comments

This poem saves lives
Drawing down the heavens
When without inspiration
All at sixes and sevens

This painting saves lives
Painted with blood and muck
When without inspiration
And the world seems to suck

This song saves lives
Proffered just as it was
Inspired by the chorus
And sung loud just because

These words save lives
In these perilous times
And inspiration found
Reading between the lines

Inspired (unironically) by The Red Hand Files #274 – check it out for some wise words from old man Nick Cave.

Submitted to Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge INSPIRATION
13th Sep 2024 – Shared with Poets and Storytellers United – speak up or stay silent
3rd Nov 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – chorus

Today I’m feeling:

Under the weather again.  Last night I could feel a slight tickle and ache in my throat as I was about to sleep.  

I slept well though not enough and my alarm woke me up with a start to which I succumbed to another 30 minutes of snoozing, skipping exercise.  When I got up I could feel the oncoming sore throat, confirmed by blood in my nose.  

My mood was down a little too but it’s Friday so let’s go and get it done.

Today I’m grateful for:

Discovering that there is a holiday on Monday.  Yippee!

The best thing about today was:

A chilled vibe at school (see below) and spending about five hours at House, reading, lesson planning, blogging and writing.  What a job!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

At the morning flag ceremony, I noticed that my grade 7 classes were less than half in attendance and discovered that they were attending some meeting about a field trip. OK….

When it came to class time there were only about ten students and they told me the rest were still in the meeting.

I went to find Kru Karn, their homeroom teacher who didn’t know anything about where they were.  I mentioned a field trip and she said ‘oh yes, there’s about 6 students going.’  I asked when it was and she thought that it was in the holiday.  ‘Hmm’, I said, ‘that’s weird because there are more than 6 students missing from the class?’

She came to my class and talked with one of the students and was surprised to find out herself that many of the student’s parents skipped the process of advising her about their children going on the trip and, more importantly, the trip starts on Monday and is for one week!

The communication here is so crazy – no one knows what’s going on.

I said ‘Well, I guess that’s it for teaching these kids this semester.’  Kru Karn agreed and advised to start doing their grading files.  And it leaves me with another day with no classes again already.

Something I learned today?

As I was wandering around Baipad’s class this morning, because my class was cancelled and Kru Ren wasn’t there, I learned that a couple of students are taking money from the lazy ones to complete their coursework for them.

It’s enterprising of the hard-working kids to make some spare cash but disappointing from a teacher’s perspective.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I offered Baipad to help her on Monday with all her catchup work.  Let’s see if she gets it together to actually wake up and do it.

I helped various students in their different classes today as my own classes being mostly free time for everyone.

Kru Fluke dropped in to visit.  I gave her a big smile and a hug, happy to see her again.

25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO –  20. Enjoy Small Things. I like clichés because they are true.

Over the last three or four years of self-improvement I’ve followed the Noticing Things blog (I forget the proper name), thought about gratitude every day (with a couple of exceptions) and been writing, journalling, blogging etc.  All of these combined have led me to enjoy the small things.

Partly due to this, I’m not often in the vicinity of big things and things that I once thought of as big seem comparatively small these days too (the circumstance of ageing).

One thing that I was doing more of last year or the year before was savouring moments.  I don’t often stop to remind myself to savour something now.  I should practice that again.

I took this picture last weekend when I was getting my haircut. HoiTod makes me miss little Kim so much, almost one year now since she’s gone. Sniffle.

Haunted By The Living – 27th December 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

She’s forever standing next to me
Begging me with bitter sad smiles
Everywhere I turn, the memory
Kept as treasure in my mind’s files

She’s out there still, ten thousand miles away
Taunting me with her continued silence
I only wish that there was something to say
To return her back to this lonely island

Some parade photos. Students and teachers had been at school all night preparing costumes and make-up. What a palaver, my mum would say.

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good and looking forward to the sports day event so that when I got to school I surveyed the parade for all my students, many of whom were difficult to spot as they were dressed up so fancily that I couldn’t recognise them at all! 

I slept badly because of my aching shoulder and woke many times laying on my back and when Amy didn’t stir after I exercised I shook her foot and she complained of lack of sleep too due to my snoring.  It’s possible the exercises I’m doing are aggravating my shoulder too much and it is not recovering from whatever stress or strain that I have given it.

Today I’m grateful for:

Kwang, Premier and Program again.  I spotted them in the parade and they grabbed me and insisted I walk with them which I did for a little while.  As Premier and Program let go, Kwang still held on and out of the blue said quietly ‘I miss my dad.’ Sigh.

The best thing about today was:

The feeling of excitement and happiness in the whole school celebrating sports day.  In the past, I’ve usually left after an hour or so and gone home but this time, with an hour and a half break at House I stayed until around 2.15pm. 

I was on my way to leave at around midday but got sucked back into staying and ended up trying to find Funfai whilst other students dragged me around to watch all the team’s cheerleader routines, partly because I had an umbrella they could shelter under.

Something I learned today?

Listening to the You Don’t Know Mojack podcast today, they were interviewing Chris Shary who is an artist that works with The Descendents and All.  What was interesting was how he was a high schooler in Ipswich, UK and hung around with the Stupids, even singing with them near the end of their run.  Pretty much useless information but of a little interest to me in discovering more about how everything is interconnected in our little weird music world.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Congratulating everyone who had dressed up for the day.  Encouraging others to cheer and do their best in their competitions. Commiserating with the few who were bored or cold whilst waiting for things to get going.

What was the biggest risk I took this year?

Lending $1600 to Ad Interim so that they could get their album made.  I only knew Max through acquaintance but I liked the band’s music and made the deal for repayment within 12 months and he was good enough to get it paid off within three or four months.  I’m happy to work with people like this.  I can’t offer a lot when it comes to marketing and distribution but can at least support artists with funds for production.

Do you think that most people are doing the best they can?

I borrowed this question from The Red Hand Files where Nick Cave simply replied with the answer ‘No’ which surprised me a little and made me consider why he replied that way.

Even though it seems that there is only tragedy in the world and so many bad people acting in bad ways when I look around my own personal environment I believe most people are doing the best they can.

We can all do better, and all try harder, I guess (maybe that is why Nick Cave answered no to the question) but here, for many people, they are still struggling to get by.

Maybe it’s the difference between living in a first-world country and a third-world one.  Maybe in a first-world one, we expect more of each other and in the third-world folks are doing the best they can in the circumstances.

Bebe took this picture because she grabbed my phone and I just let her take as many pictures as she wanted. I like this one the best because Baibua has a big smile which she doesn’t usually show for me. Namfon, in the middle, has become a favourite student of mine because although we both know she may never be good at English she will now try her best and that is the main lesson to learn. Bebe is on a similar trajectory but still gets very distracted in class, though usually in a way that cracks me up. It’s hard to assert authority when you are laughing so much yourself.

Larger Than Life – 15th November 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

No talent, stood up shouting
Through a mess of tangled hair
Full of lack and swagger
Full of piss and vinegar
Formed without much care

Stepped into condemnation
Head high and strutting
Full of vim and vigour
Larger than life, or bigger
Each word spat, cutting

When the heads were turning
By the energy propelled
The confidence was sung
As if it was just begun
And soon seen as excelled

inspired by the picture and words at The Red Hand Files #260

Today I’m feeling:

A little bit better than yesterday and better as the day goes on but still only at about 80%. My classes today were pretty straightforward so they didn’t stress me out too much.

Today I’m grateful for:

The parking guy at Makro who blew his whistle loudly for me to park and then took my trolley for me with more whistle-blowing. A happy whistleblower. I want a whistle too.

The best thing about today was:

Despite all the disappointing bits and pieces of news (other tidbits not mentioned here, minimal but adding up) today I’m not that bothered or annoyed. I’m here and have to just get in with sorting shit out.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

First, I got a message that I have to go and interview the P6 students to decide if they are suitable enough to come to junior high next semester. I did this before and it’s a waste of time but it’s easy enough for me to do and at least try to have some fun with some new students.

Second, Nancy called to tell me that as my work permit has been cancelled because of my visa that I won’t get paid! Ugh! The stupid systems here don’t make it easy for people to stay.

Something I learned today?

Nancy convinced me to do a non-B visa as it will resolve quicker so that I can get my work permit quicker and therefore get paid again. As part of that I have to supply a new resume. I updated it adding her company as TLC ‘English Teaching Agency’. She seemed to take umbrage at that description and advised it needs to say ‘Private School Outside System’! Ok, whatever. I know this is just some fancy wording that ticks the right boxes for the right people.

How do I want to be remembered?

It’s not something I have any control over so it’s not something to even think about. No doubt for every person who thinks nicely of me there will be as many dislike me. I’ll just keep being me and leave the memories of me to others.

I took this picture because I was only just found this note from Porpieng in a card she sent to me for my birthday. Her and her class stick long in my memory as being particularly able to be challenged to think and learn for themselves. Each successive class I’ve taught each year has diminished in capability, unfortunately. 

Flaming Sword – 2nd October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

She didn’t ask to join this club
The grief is so big, even shared
Suffering in silence, or out loud
It’s a struggle that no one is spared

And when a life is taken away
Leaving the living seems so unkind
To wonder, in search of meaning
When tragedy is all she can find

How to lay open the world to truth?
Will her fierce soul light the flame?
A sword to strike out resilient
And to change the world yet again

inspired by The Red Hand Files #254
3rd Jul 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good. I persevered with morning exercise despite this being a week with no classes and I could easily have decided to have a break. But I pushed through. It was weird to be at school again with no students around. It’s amazing to think that these thousands of kids are all out there somewhere doing things and during the term they all gather together in this one place.

Today I’m grateful for:

The folks at MFU hospital today. I had to go and get more medicine and have waited four months beyond my scheduled appointment because the timing has not been good with me having to be at school when the doctor is there.
Somehow I managed to breeze straight in despite a roomful of patients(presumably they were waiting for other doctors). Then I decided I was waiting too long to pick up the medicine so went off to Daytripper to get some lesson planning done and on return to hospital I was able to breeze in again, collect my meds and go. Easy.

The best thing about today was:

Getting into the swing of lesson planning again. I only did one today but can feel more brewing! I just need to focus.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Totally ran out of energy around 7 pm, perhaps enhanced by a drop too much cannabutter. Sleeping early tonight…

Something I learned today?

Matt sent me a cool video of a band called Hariguem Zaboy. The song had some great off-kilter post-punk guitar and a bouncy rhythm that reminded me of some Japanese bands.

What is my favourite thing about this month?

October? The only regular thing about this month is my birthday which doesn’t carry much significance for me anymore.

This is holiday time in Thailand which is nice but last year we had a 4-week break and this time apparently it’s just 5 days (though I’ll be taking longer with my trip to Australia). Planning things here can be difficult and it sort of contributes to the chill chill attitude and just going with the flow. In some ways, it’s a child-like approach to life which can be exciting but I’ve long grown out of it so sometimes it grates.

October is also the end of the rainy season and the cool of winter approaching is a great relief.

Old MacDonald Got AI – 15th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

God took six days to do
What can now be done
In a minute
At the push of a button
A simple prompt
A new world may be created
Everything for that we strived
Made faster and easier
And with it, the artist dies
Along with their struggle
How to know something is good?
It must be a piece of you
A chuck of the pain
That gave birth
No more the imagination
Your future automated
*A boundless machine
Of artistic demoralisation*

inspired and pilfered from the Red Hand Files and *Nick Cave directly

Today I’m feeling:

Unsure yet. I guess I’m relaxed. Just a little soft around the edges, not quite in focus.

At midday, my mojo is returning after three hours of catching up on writing and some reading.

And then….(see further below)

Today I’m grateful for:

The medicine that has helped Tigger overcome his fever and infection. I wasn’t particularly worried about Tig but I also remembered not being too worried about Kim when she was sick too. Sometimes, when Amy is being cautious, it’s best to follow her lead, just in case.

The best thing about today was:

Coffee. And having a few hours spare to read and write but more importantly to get my brain back in the game. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

In my final class of the day, I lost my patience with one student who was being obnoxious to me. I took his phone and later gave it to his homeroom teacher. He didn’t even seem to care that much. 

It’s a shame as I have previously gotten on well with that student. I can guess that something was going on with him but still…..

Sometimes the disrespect gets to me.

6th Nov 2023 – Only three months later and I only have a vague memory of this happening and can’t recall who it was! I think that’s good. No grudges held.

Something I learned today?

Tigger’s infection is all good now, though because of the medicine he had been taking his kidney function levels are a little high. Another week without medicine before another blood test which hopefully gives the all-clear.

How would I describe where I am right now?

I think if I told my friends just the word ‘Thailand’, that would trigger their imaginations to understand where I am right now. I know that I’m living a lucky life. Despite minor stresses, I’m feeling content and almost at peace.

How did I embrace uncertainty?

I’ve been looking at this question for several days.  I feel that my life is reasonably certain and has been for a long time. In times when I did feel uncertain it was purely internal thoughts rather than some circumstance.

Both times I moved countries I didn’t feel uncertainty really, though I guess that means that I did embrace it. How did I do that? Perhaps by positivity. Perhaps by ignorance. 

As I’ve gotten older I’ve understood that no matter what happens or is happening, things will be okay. Sometimes you just have to go through shit. I do wish I could’ve worked that out when I was younger as it would have saved me a lot of trouble and stress at that time.

What is an unusual fact about me?

I was listening to the End On End podcast with the High Back Chairs and one of them was talking about his collection of German military uniforms from 1880-1918. It reminded me that no matter what you may know people for they can always surprise you with something unusual. 

I guess I have an unusual amount of CDs featuring unusual music but because of the circles I run in that doesn’t seem particularly unusual to me but may be to others.

Perhaps something I find unusual about myself is the variety of work that I’ve done over the years. Ugh, even that doesn’t seem particularly unusual though.

Am I.… am I normal? What’s wrong with that? I don’t want to be normal. I know that no one is normal but I would hate for someone to think of me as normal!

Quote: I quote others in order to better myself – Montaigne

Sometimes a good quote captures your imagination and consolidates ideas into a sentence or two. Most of the quotes I enjoy are positive but I also dig the backhanded sarcastic and ironic type of quote when it is clearly obvious its intention.

I wish I could remember good quotes though and be able to use them in conversation. That would make me appear smart. Perhaps that is vanity but it’s true, I would like to appear smart at least. Because I don’t feel smart at all. Can I fool myself?

Three Rivers – 7th June 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Stepping into the river of joy
I’m held high with its pleasure
Even taken up to the heavens
Where our gods now take their leisure

Dragged along in the river of grief
The weight forever bearing down
Can I push my toes against the mud
Swirling dark yellow and brown?

Rowing around the river of need
Searching for a friend and destination
Sometimes smooth, sometimes wild
Within an insatiable compellation

inspired by Red Hand Files #248 (I think)

Today I’m feeling:

Good all day. Nothing got in my way. No annoying students, no annoying adults. Not even the crappy coffee in the school cafe could get me down as I rose with the caffeine hit.

Today I’m grateful for:

One of my new M4 (grade 10) students asking me if I would still be teaching her class next year. I said I didn’t think so but didn’t know for sure. She said she wanted me to teach her next year too! I’ve been teaching her for three weeks! Sometimes I wonder exactly how these kids see me through all their different eyes. I’m grateful to all of them for all that they teach me.

The best thing about today was:

Amongst many things, the clouds and sun on the mountains as I was driving home this afternoon. Huge white sunlit clouds towered above lower-level rain clouds across the mountain tops and then some valleys were highlighted with sunshine reminding me of a Miyazaki anime, all topped with a fan of rays further into the blue skies up high. Just six or so weeks ago all this looked like a nuclear winter and now it is magical. What you see has a big effect on mental health.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been getting parents’ email addresses from my class’s homeroom teacher if they would like an email to see how their children are doing in my class. I got information quickly and easily from a couple of teachers but another tried to palm me off perhaps not quite understanding what I wanted.
When I asked them again today they told me that most of their parents don’t have email addresses which is just a plain untruth and indicates to me that they just can’t be bothered or don’t want to help.
Maybe they are concerned that parents will start asking them more about their own classes. I know the teachers here are given ridiculous tasks to do all the time so sometimes it doesn’t surprise me that their focus is on themselves and not the students.
It’s also true that many parents of students at this school don’t care about their kid’s work or how they are doing. One annoying foreign teacher isn’t going to fix everything. But I’ll settle for anything.

Something I learned today?

I saw a review of the Apple Vision Pro headset which looks pretty interesting with some amazing technology. It’s not something that I would buy right now but perhaps after it got to a later generation and fitted in with what I would like a computer to do. Being able to read a comic or book just by moving your eyes would be cool. As it develops I’m sure more exciting uses will come to light for it.

What do I know for sure?

Honestly, the only thing I am sure of is that I’m going to die, everyone and every living thing I know too. Anything else is up for question.

What qualities do I want to embody in my daily life?

Honesty, caring, love, gratitude, understanding, empathy, kindness….all the words from all the self-help books.

I took this picture yesterday because, much like today, the clouds, sky and mountains were making me feel joyful.

Beautiful Idea – 8th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Always searching for the elusive
Open to interpretation
Blown along like leaves in the wind
To catch on to inspiration
There’s no dogma here on the fence
With a view of the garden on each side
Just going along with the flow
And the push and pull of the tide
We’re humbled by the mysterious
In awe of those who rage
There’s a beautiful idea here
Just waiting for the page

inspired by Red Hand Files #229

Today I’m feeling:

Flat, sad. The fucking smoke outside isn’t helping as the light barely gets beyond a dusklike feeling all day. It’s like a typical English dull grey weekend sky. This just makes me want to sleep. The slight mood upswing yesterday has been brought right back to earth. How do I miss a cat so much? Is it my mistake to have focused all my love onto Kim without even realizing it. Is it safer to not love?

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy being able to visit Mai in Albury which helps distract from her own feeling of loss and discomfort at not being here. It’s hard for me to be enthusiastic on video calls but seeing Mai’s daughter YaYa is pretty entertaining as she is a very lively and active 5-year-old.

The best thing about today was:

I’m still unenthusiastic but the first coffee was good and the 20 baht of strawberries I picked up outside 7/11 were ripe and juicy. It’s good that the garden got taken care of and also to see Amy and YaYa.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve not quite got a grip on my emotions yet and finding it hard to be here without Amy. I know things will get better and it will take time. 

Something I learned today?

I came across the movie Made in Britain on YouTube today. I can remember watching it in 1982 and being excited by the music and the fucked up attitude of Trevor, played by Tim Roth. I seem to recall being confused by it at the time because it wasn’t clear to me what the message might have been as it amounts to either conform or go to prison. I know that was the purpose of the movie, that there didn’t seem to be any other options but that was little consolation to angry 14-year-old me. My solution was to run away to Australia which I think was the best decision of my life. Watching it again now made me kind of unhappily nostalgic. Those times were depressing yet they were all I knew. I guess inside I did still have a will to find a way out because that’s what happened. I can’t imagine what I would be doing if I was still stuck there. I was useless, with a bad attitude but I never had the guts to do the dumb things Trevor did in the movie. When my old schoolmate Jeremy boasts about having been in prison I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. Fuck I’m glad those times are over yet I still wish I could live them again.

Describe a perfect day from start to finish.

Right now I feel like answering this like my students would answer it – sleeping!


I took this picture because the gardeners came today and cleaned things up but this picture still reflects my sadness as all the things are still set up in Kim’s room in the centre. Going in there and sorting things act may be the final admission that she’s gone. I still can’t understand it.