I am so happy and grateful for the help my co-workers give me.
17th Mar 2023 – Fuck me, Shaun! What was this help!? Sometimes I just have to pretend that I am good with words. Still, at least I got something down for the day! Perhaps there’s more information hidden away in another book somewhere.
The paradox of the internet has always been that the thing that’s connecting us all also seems to be driving us apart.
Mark Manson
To-do list
Shut your mouth! I know you want to speak – but DON’T!!! ✅
Pictures for Fern and Chinese teacher
Figure out 6 daily life topics ✅
AirAsia refunds
Stay calm and stay chill – sabai sabai ✅
I stayed calm and clear today and believe that I successfully did what was asked of me, without complaint.
I rewarded myself by coming home early and relaxing with TV – almost forgetting about having to teach Bruce. That was a bit of a shock to the system but again, I dealt with it quite well.
Tomorrow I need to start planning for next semester – working for my new masters!
I am so happy and grateful to have a car so I can get places without having to suffer so much from the polluted air.
There is no great difference between novels and banana bread. They are both just something to do
Mark Manson
To-do list
Finish off AirAsia refunds
See if the Office downloads can work ✅
Enjoy your day, your work, your interactions ✅
Drawings for Fern and Chinese teacher
Go to book shop, drug store and buy Vitamins ✅
Well, today went well until the rabbits (the idiots) raised their paws and decided that things were not well with my grading. Rather than actually tell me what the problem was they deferred and advised me to ask someone else tomorrow.
The problem, I already know – because I graded accordingly – so many students did not pass. What is the point of grading if our grades are not permitted? It’s a waste of everyone’s time. Why even teach?
Anyway, it’s an easy fix – it just involves lying and deceit. Is this right? Is this moral? Of course not. It perpetuates the lie that everything is ok. It hurts to be part of this. Fight it or forget it? Of course, the best answer is to forget it but then nothing changes. I hate this time of year.
Tomorrow, no doubt, to pass the time quickly I will adjust the grades so that everyone will pass. And….hmmm….everyone will be happy….?
I am so happy and grateful for our purifier, giving us cleaner air to breathe.
13th Mar 2023 – Still in use and still necessary, unfortunately. As Amy says, we can’t get everything. I just hope that this poisoned air doesn’t kill me.
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
Gloria Steinem
To-do list
Record another TCRAH
Revise WOOT video
Continue drawing Chinese picture
Clear email and close tabs ✅
Sort more CDs ½
Time disappeared today – it seems to be fluid. I guess I read a lot and watched a lot of YouTube or TV but before knowing anything it was 7 pm.
I did try to sit and concentrate on some things but there is an overall feeling of dread – not just with the virus but also with the air quality. It’s starting to make me feel sick much like last year. Constant headache. It’s not helped that having to stay home means lots of sitting around or lying down so my body is feeling tired and unused.
I am so happy and grateful that I still have teeth, even though they hurt a lot of the time.
12th Mar 2023 – I haven’t been back to the dentist for over a year now. I still have a little pain but it’s not enough to make me go back for a fix. I wonder if I go to a dentist back in Australia what they are likely to say about the quality of work I’ve had done over the last few years here in Thailand. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t wish to afford the upgrade though.
Inner peace is the break between two thoughts. The moment of calm before the mind invades our serenity with another thought.
To-do list
Record TCRAH in the morning ✅
Just Dance ✅
Meditate to more Inner Eng. ½
Drink more water ½
Revise the WOOT video
Busy and fulfilling day today. I feel positive and energised. Tomorrow I hope to continue.
I am so happy and grateful for being able to entertain myself at home.
Peace is the break between two wars.
Krishnamurti
To-do list
Just Dance ✅
Meditate ½
Sort CDs ½
Finish grading files ✅
Read a lot of Midnight’s Children ½
Dancing got us revved up this morning and I set to finishing marking all the exams and completing the files at around 5 pm. I remained calm even whilst trying to navigate the nonsense that gets sent out to us teachers. I even realised that marking the exams doesn’t really mean anything. It’s a strange system that sets the teacher to write the exam because it can’t be compared with anything. There needs to be a standard exam and defined curriculum to work with – it’s a huge waste of time for teachers year after year after year. But, whatever – I did it – it’s done (at least until someone tells me I have to do more).
Whilst marking the exams I think they were quite well done in that (with only a few exceptions) they accurately reflected the standard of the students. Someone will look at the results and will get upset because the scores are so low. They could say that the teacher is no good, to which can countered with, then why let the teacher write the exam?
I can see Ray, who taught these kids last semester, was very lenient with his marks and that’s fine – no one has the same standard. The three days I’ve spent filling in grades will be looked over and modified so that no one fails so that all entries can just be filled with random numbers and, indeed, that is what many teachers do.
I’m aware that someone will likely say something to me about my grading and I will have to control myself and try to be as diplomatic as possible. I don’t know how well I can handle that.
I’m always surprised at the things people come up with when they have different ideas about how things should be done.
I am so happy and grateful to have so many options available to keep me entertained.
What we believe means nothing. How we act is what it’s all about.
Eckhart Tolle
To-do list
Just Dance in the morning ✅
More CD sorting
Record another TCRAH ✅
Meditate ✅
Think before writing and speaking ✅
Well, doing Just Dance in the morning definitely had a positive effect, made Amy laugh and gave us some exercise. It was a good start to the day. We’ll do it again tomorrow.
I spent most of the day in my room whilst Amy was happily drinking inside – she got the dancing mood later in the evening but then got a little teary as she was thinking about our cats, 2 of whom are approaching the end of their lives. We really love them and it will be sad when they go. But we can go at any time.
I’m feeling more in control of my emotions currently, perhaps because I’m not surrounded by the gossip and chatter at school. It’s very tempting just to quit doing it but I feel I should just keep pushing myself and improve myself. I can’t keep making the same mistakes and expect things to change.
I am so happy and grateful for my lounge where I can lay and read or listen to music or even sleep.
How does it help…to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them?
Marcus Aurelius
To-do list
Stretch and exercise when you wake ½
Meditate before looking at the computer ✅
More CD sorting ✅
Clear emails ✅
Figure out script for files ✅
Quite happy with today. Spent a lot of the day reading Lu Xun’s ‘Medicine’ for a Chinese student studying about translations. It was interesting and put me in a good mood. Helped by figuring out the script I wanted on my computer.
Almost at the end of the first week at home. I would like to and ride around a bit but it doesn’t matter too much. When I’m away from school I start to feel more like myself again. Still practising, still improving.
“a parent catching her child with cigarettes and forcing him to smoke the whole pack.”
Despite my father dying of lung cancer when I was a baby, my mother kept smoking for another 15 to 20 years after, then gave up in her early 60s and lived for another 20 years, though she suffered from COPD in the last 5 or so years which restricted her a lot.
I grew used to her smoking though I actually have no real memory of her puffing on a cigarette. Of course it was only natural her naughty son would steal an occasional cigarette, find a way to light it and go off down the end of the garden and practice smoking. I could be an adult too.
It was a great game. Waiting for my mother to leave her packet unattended, gradually sneaking a couple more each time. I was never caught but I’m guessing she knew. When I had upgraded to smoking in my bedroom I would get caught once or twice and my mum just tutted and asked where I got the cigarettes from to which I would guiltily lie. She couldn’t really say much without looking like a hyprocrite.
I also upgraded to stealing my grandfather’s beer which he kept stored in an outdoor shed. I loved the feeling alcohol gave me. I also remember being able to open my gullet so the liquid went straight down without gulping. A talented 13 year old I was becoming.
When my mum gave up smoking I had already started earning my own money and had developed my own addiction. I was proud of her giving up. I still hated myself too much to try. It wasn’t until much later when my son was born that I eventually stopped and that took a huge effort. At that point I was still secretly smoking at work and stuffing down packets of mints so my wife wouldn’t detect it. But eventually I stopped.
I still have dreams about that and sometimes I hit lucidity within the dream and wonder about the fact that I still smoke sometimes. It’s a weird feeling. I really hate the smell of burning cigarettes now and try to avoid going to bars and restaurants where smoking is permitted, something which is still common throughout Asia.
If the Chinese want to make a silent protest towards their government they should surely quit smoking and stop that tax money ending up in the pockets of their leaders! But cigarettes are like a handshake there, a different cultural definition.
Anyways, I was never forced to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes fortunately, though everyone knew the story of some kid that it had been forced upon. Did it ever happen or is it just urban legend?
This is England….
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I could quickly get over an injustice towards me. I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach today because the students are doing exams.
To-do list
Finish death course ✅
Read the Bandcamp article ✅
Staple exams
Write a blog post ✅
Practice eye gaze technique ½
A long day stuck in the classroom with nothing to do but read, which was OK, just a little lacking in stimulation. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen so much.
I went to the psychiatrist after school and got new medication. I mentioned to him I had had a difficult emotional event on Monday but after a short period of time I have managed to overcome it. It felt good to tell him about this.
It later got me thinking about how much I trust this person to open up to because I feel a little judgemental towards him as he is from a different culture. Is that fair? Probably not. But it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.
In the evening we went to Nong Nik’s graduation dinner. Amy drank quite a lot and showed a lot of love and affection to her mum. As we drove home though she was very animated about her frustrations with living in Thailand. It’s an ongoing source of concern and I’m not sure how to help. Moving back to Australia isn’t a very realistic option for us at the moment.
I am also not quite happy at the moment either. This could be connected with Kimi’s death which has made me re-evaluate things somewhat. Amy says I can quit school any time and she will go work in Australia. This is a possibility but I still would like to see if I can remain happy at a school and learn to deal with the stupid events better.
Thursday is another easy day of teaching and I will try to enjoy it as much as I can, stay in the present. Remember to breathe, remember you could die tomorrow. Let’s try not to make anyone cry today.
I am so happy and grateful for the opportunity to apply to a new school today. I’m hopeful I can make a good impression
Within that head of yours is all the reason and intelligence you need. Make sure your mind is in charge, not your emotions.
Daily Stoic Journal
To-do list
Print out the InFocus lesson plan content ✅
Listen and take notes at the interview ✅
Better prepare for Bruce’s lesson (30 mins) ✅
Check stoicism units on FB ✅
Write a blog post
I felt pretty good going into today and even getting thrown an extra class suddenly didn’t bother me too much.
The morning flew by enjoyably enough and the interview at CRPAO went well and then chatted with George for a couple of hours so by the time I got home I was feeling pretty good.
I still occasionally think about Kimi and it almost brings a tear to my eye (even as I write this now) but I understand that there is nothing I can do about this. I can acknowledge the feeling and carry on.
Whilst my mind has been a bit less scattered these last two days I still feel a little less clear and focussed. I think the possibilities of a new workplace can help me refocus and brush out some cobwebs.
I really want to pursue the meditation practice more fully as I believe that could have the biggest benefit for me. My mind is always full of things – I’d like there to be a little less going on in there.
Tomorrow, I think I will be happy and positive and looking forward to the weekend – as busy as it might be.
I am so happy and grateful for all the friends I have made around the world so that I can go to places and meet them. I met Kyaw Kyaw and Zarni from Rebel Riot and Christopher Luppi, a long-time scene veteran in Thailand.
The more people you listen to, the more aspects of humanity you will recognise, and the better your instincts will be.
I did savour moments of our drive back especially when we stopped at Hinoki Land, a beautiful Japanese site with great architecture and views.
One thing I noticed a lot though was how much Amy makes small complaints and negative comments. They didn’t alter my own mood but I notice this more and more when I compare it to how we were in Australia. It’s like she didn’t need to comment on each small petty grievance in Australia because she was generally happy and positive about life around her. My concern is that she is less happy now and that will have a longer-term effect on both of us.
I’m looking forward to sleeping tonight and whilst not looking forward to going back to school, I am positive about getting back into a routine again. When we talked about it on our drive I realised there are only about 4 more weeks of actual teaching left.
1994ever 