Life forever felt like a struggle We were constantly despised Together we slowly gathered – We aren’t the freaks I realised
The tribes became a legion We held hands and joyously cried All wishing for a better life – We aren’t the freaks you realised
With a quiet determination And through all the things we tried So we came to change the world – We aren’t the freaks we realised
Inspired by a thought by Norman Brannon in the Anti-Matter Anthology
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good again. I did sleep an hour beyond my alarm but was able to force myself to exercise again.
I want to vacuum my room and sit and do some writing, if possible today. Admittedly, I don’t feel like writing when I’m at home, preferring to be in a cafe where there are less distracting options.
Today I’m grateful for:
The carrot cake that Amy made whilst I was drinking my coffee this morning. After a couple of hours in the fridge, I ate it for my dinner.
The best thing about today was:
Getting lots of things done in my room today, including vacuuming up all the dried-up lizard shit.
I read a bunch of poetry, wrote three new poems and started analysing some texts for a blackout poem. I only managed to play a little guitar because I got distracted talking with Team in Bangkok about his latest EP and then figuring out whether to make some CDs for it too.
I also got a little bit of work done and prepared for this coming week.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Despite getting lots done, I still ran out of time with lots of other little things having to wait.
Something I learned today?
94% of the USA want to end the war in Ukraine. But they don’t get to decide that.
I took this picture because I’ve been struggling to take pictures recently, and I can see these becoming a daily photo opportunity following their lives from egg to flight!
Sore. My back and knees are complaining after stressing them yesterday whilst cleaning out the sink drain.
Today I’m grateful for:
The parking guys with their whistles at Makro. I don’t know why they are necessary or why they blow their whistles so much as it’s impossible to understand if it means anything. I almost ran the guy over because I had a clear reverse behind me and he was the only thing in the way!
The best thing about today was:
Spending a few hours in my room, catching up on reading, sorting music, downloading and listening and then practising guitar. I want to spend more time doing this but I still don’t really enjoy being in that room anymore.
Something I learned today?
The average age of a Ukrainian soldier right now is 43!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I followed up with Earn, asking her the same question as I did about six weeks ago – Tell me five things you like about yourself. Her answers are better than last time. Less focused on looks and more focused on feelings and emotions.
What is a happy memory from my childhood?
I’ve lots of snippets of memories that are not particularly happy or sad, just things that happened. Some may have felt ecstatic at the time such as playing football at school or tragic like the time I cracked my eyebrow open on the edge of a step but at this distance, they are just events. I consider my childhood to be memories until I was about halfway through middle school, pre-pubescent. After that, I consider myself a teenager until I was forty!
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 11. Lead the Way. When you find yourself in a situation where everyone looks at each other, it’s time for you to lead. You’re a leader when you decide to become one. There’s no initiation or a title. Just a decision.
Before going through teenage depression I thought that I could be a leader. After that though, I mostly wanted to keep my head down though I still had a selfish streak of arrogance which popped up from time to time.
Whilst doing DIY punk things in Sydney I never felt like a leader but did hope that I was an inspiration for others and I can think of two friends for sure who did take something from what I was doing and ran with it themselves.
Now, at school, in Thailand, I consider myself the same. Not as a leader but as an inspiration. I want to inspire my students to become the best of themselves. I don’t work for prizes and awards and I don’t want to be managing other adults. I don’t want to lead people in such a way as to tell them what to do. Rather than leading I just want to be doing something. Anything. Just do it.
I took this picture because this was one of the few super cute kittens that were jumping around, playing and sleeping on this spirit house at the Night Bazaar last night.
What does it feel like to function? Thoughts turned to action The picture comes alive An outlaw in this society We lose life every day Yet art will always remain The air and the food In a world where it’s easy to starve
A little dizzy still and my sore throat is back, I think from the incense at the temple irritating my throat.
Today I’m grateful for:
This Thai family around me. Not without faults but somehow welcoming and inclusive for this idiot.
The best thing about today was:
I did get an hour of free time this afternoon and got twenty minutes of enjoyable bad guitar practice.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve been assigned a task this evening as part of the ceremony though I’m not clear what it is. I was just told to follow the others doing the same thing. I feel like a kid in a school play who doesn’t remember where to stand or exactly what to do and just looks around at everyone else and hopes no one notices.
(Later) Well, it involved some scooting on knees and wai-ing and I hoped didn’t look too out of place as the only white non-Buddhist in the room.
Something I learned today?
This was a couple of days ago but worth mentioning that journalist Gonzalo Lira died in a Ukrainian prison. He was imprisoned for reporting truths about Ukraine’s targeting of civilians in Donetsk both before the US proxy war and in the early stages of it. It’s just another nail in the US imperialist coffin that lies about freedom and democracy.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
In between classes, I came to the temple to support the family and after class, I came to collect Amy before driving us home and then back to the city again to pick up food for Grandmum’s mourners.
August (grade 8) came to my class today sighing that she misses her boyfriend (who broke up with her six months ago). I consoled her but later sent her messages to be strong and independent. She appreciated my words but I could feel she’s not strong enough yet.
August (grade 9) took this picture because she stole my phone out of my pocket whilst I was talking with Kru Ren. This is Sunwa, August and Pat, whose birthday it was today. 15th birthday I guess, though she behaves with a little more maturity than her classmates.
Self-conscious annihilation is the only freedom Everything else is a self-generated illusion Does consensus happiness increase with your end? Willing and able to come to this conclusion
Based on the idea to make legal the choice of euthanasia at age 75.
Today I’m feeling:
Exhausted again. What is it with Saturdays? Last night I was up til 1am and I think it was purely because I did my two hours of work in the afternoon when I might normally have had a nap on a fully free day. So my energy levels were up. This morning I ignored my alarm and the cats until Amy woke me up calling from Chatswood. My brain wasn’t functioning but after she hung up I decided I should get up. A couple of coffees had the desired effect and made me feel so good that I had a third along with some free coconut ice cream. All was good until about 3 pm and I couldn’t fight my aching eyes. Waking up again a couple of hours later and I still can’t seem to get going. My left eye is still aching and is pushing me closer to actually going to the optometrist tomorrow as I’m starting to feel more concerned about it.
Today I’m grateful for:
Twenty minutes of evening rain. It’s not much but almost every day for a week it has looked like rain was coming and it just disappeared again leaving the days humid and the nights stinky hot. The temperature is reasonable again and the sun is gone so hopefully it will stay cool until tomorrow.
The best thing about today was:
Definitely, the buzz I got from my coffees this morning. I really hope that whatever the issue is with my eye that I’m not told to stop drinking coffee! I know I could do it but damn I enjoy coffee so much sometimes.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy’s friend Paew, who had recently moved back to Chiang Rai from Bangkok has found that things here are not going so well for her and her husband and will move back. That’s a shame as having her around may have made Amy more comfortable when she’s back in October. Now I’m starting to feel that Amy will not be settled here at all. Ever. I will be disappointed about this but won’t stop her from making whatever choices she wishes. At some point, I will have to go with her to whatever our next decision dictates but my disappointment will be centred around the fact that I have found relative contentment here, especially with my job as a teacher. I could teach elsewhere but I know it would involve far more work and stress than I currently have. Whatever the next thing may be it will be more work and stress than I have now. It’s hard to psych myself up for that.
Something I learned today?
Reports are that there have been secret talks between the US and Russia about ending the war in Ukraine. My question is why the fuck were they secret? It seems because arms dealers can’t keep making sales whilst folks become aware of possible upcoming peace.
How do I want to grow as a person?
I was just thinking, as I was reading an interview from 1997 with a lesbian punk musician, that these days I don’t feel so connected with what they’re saying. One thing is about my age and relative experience but another is also that I no longer run around in the circles of young political punks like I did 10 or 15 years ago. It’s interesting to look at the outside and into something very familiar. I appreciate the fight for something important whether I believe in it or not.
So I was imagining talking with the musician and trying to understand more about their passion. Or alternatively, imagining someone talking to me trying to find out more about me and my beliefs.
Now, I know we can get brief glimpses into people’s beliefs and ideas through even mundane conversation but I feel that I cannot express myself eloquently enough in verbal exchange.
When I write I can sometimes feel that certain words and sentences accurately explain my beliefs but they are intermittent and spread throughout the mess of lots of other thoughts.
To feel some growth as a person perhaps I can get some of these core thoughts into order that help me to be more eloquent.
Having said that I also consider the fact that identifying and clarifying certain beliefs could be the beginning of close-mindedness. That’s something I would like to avoid as I can still recall how my younger self could consider ‘old’ people who had become set in their ways. Perhaps it’s inevitable.
I took this picture because dawg! Dumb dawg rolling around on the grass. He’s such a cutie for a smelly dumb dog. I just wish he was cool with the cats.
Thankful for a sleep-in as my afternoon nap yesterday saw me awake into the early hours. Couldn’t force myself to exercise but will try to do something a little later. Can I hold myself to that promise? Is hanging out the washing considered exercise?
Today I’m grateful for:
This free day that saw me pulling weeds, sweeping leaves, hanging out washing and bringing it back in happily, as the morning clouds had left for a sunny afternoon. I kept myself awake with a quick bike ride in search of the wooden buildings I’d once seen down amongst the rice paddies near the airport. The day filled out well.
The best thing about today was:
Rediscovering the music of Cinemachanica, first listening on the stereo, and being convinced they’d never be able to play it live, and then finding several videos of them doing just that. Incredible musicians making music that will only appeal to a very few and I happen to be one of them.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy’s package that I ordered for her birthday was due to arrive today and all was looking good until Amy called me saying she’d got a message that it was delivered though she hadn’t received anything. The courier sent some photos and it appears it was just left outside the lifts of the building, sitting there for anyone to pick up and take off with. Fortunately, she found it in time but it was a bit of a blot on something that should have been a carefree joyful occasion. These trials test us. We shake our heads and go on our way.
Something I learned today?
I watched an amazing speech by Max Blumenthal to the UN about the war in Ukraine and how it is making America poorer as well as the rest of the world. Piles of Western allies’ tax money has been spent for no reward except for those that profit off the sales and how each of the last government’s chiefs all start buying stocks in weapons manufacturers whilst they’re in power which will start making money via the wars they start during that time. What a game!
What is my favourite memory from the past month?
This is a test. What happened in the last month? Anything out of the ordinary? I’ve learned to savour moments no matter how small but the memory of those moments is insignificant and a blur. Playing guitar, reading, writing, teaching, learning, talking, sleeping. Is it monotonous? It doesn’t feel like it. It feels normal. It feels preferable to highs and lows. Yesterday, talking with Amy at the end of her birthday night she told me that several people remarked on how happy she is most of the time. It’s her default setting. She got the gene that makes her normal state of happiness higher than most. She’s lucky and grateful for that though a little perplexed because for her it’s just normal. We mere mortals have to try a little harder to occasionally reach a level of happiness that stands out.
I took this picture because I finally found the place I was looking for on my ride. It looks like it may have been a monk’s retreat or resort in the past. All the structures are made from wood so could be pretty old. Places like this get the old brain excited at the thought of what events may have occurred here in history.
The poison in his palace Spews forth through angry lips Hence it penetrates through All his relationships Take care not to smear Or guilt by association Is what we may all fear For even a non-communication
My body felt good after some chest exercises that hurt a lot though I can feel I’m getting a little more strength each time. My mind is following my body and is fairly positive though contemplating being on the borders of exhaustion. It’s a long day today but I’ve planned reasonably well for it.
Today I’m grateful for:
The tax cheque that I got for 3200 baht. That will help go towards the 5500 baht cost of the aircon repair. The aircon also stopped again last night after two nights of success. The two fans are barely enough to make sleep comfortable.
The best thing about today was:
All my classes going well and being enjoyable. The students had a good time and I did too. Maybe they even learned some things. I enjoyed the M4 class giving them a task that I only had the idea for on Monday. I saw that they went to some special training on the weekend with an ex-flight attendant so I got them to write about that. I put some time into helping them improve their work and we’ll continue tomorrow when I hope they can finish and then read aloud what they’ve written. It looks like this class might lose its last boy too as he is feeling a little friendless surrounded by 15 girls.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As I was busy preparing for the class mentioned above I ran out of time to learn a little more Thai with Amy and I’m almost out of time to chill with some TV as I still have to study with my apps too. It’s a little frustrating but I know that Wednesday and Thursday are my busiest days so I’m kinda prepared for it now.
Something I learned today?
In March 2022 Russia’s Putin had negotiated a secret peace deal with Ukraine and it had been agreed to. Part of that deal was to remove Russian troops from Kiev which they did. Then ‘the West’, via Boris Johnson, made Ukraine break the agreement. Since then 1000s of people have died in this conflict. For what purpose? It comes to mind that it is for financial profit for arms makers and to drive a wedge between Russia and Europe, all of which only benefits one party. Everyone’s favourite, the USA.
How do I define success?
Success is not worrying about success. Success is being happy with what you’ve got.
I took this picture because someone had gone to the trouble of building this tiny house that is too small for a child and too big for a doll house. And then it’s been abandoned to the jungle with a bull and me as its only witness.
Can I keep the bullet you gave me When you shot me through the heart? Perhaps one day it will save me To put back together what you ripped apart
Today I’m feeling:
Got up easily but woke up tired. The aircon worked last night and I was scared to make any changes to the settings so I woke up cold a couple of times! By the time of my last class, I was feeling a little dizzy but I made it through well enough and got home to a message from the aircon people that they would come around 5pm. Result! They came and checked it out and will go off to find the price of the part they think needs replacing. They said there were ants inside part of the outside fan. That wouldn’t be surprising but also possibly bullshit. Whatever, I just want working aircon!
Today I’m grateful for:
In my search for food, I bumped into Boss and Safe from Utopia at the walking market and they told me there weren’t many stalls because the university is on a break now. So that’s probably why my fried fish lady has disappeared. I couldn’t find anything there so popped into Lotus’s and was grateful to find a plant-based pork belly microwave meal, buy two get one free. Perfect!
The best thing about today was:
I feel as if I was too busy to have anything that stands out above everything else as the best. I’ve just replayed the day in my mind and everything was fine and dandy and I was happy indeed.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Both my M1 classes were pretty chaotic with many kids sprawling themselves around on the floor like fallen Jenga puzzle pieces. It still strikes me as bizarre the differences in acceptable behaviours in schools in Thailand and England (at least from what I remember). The atmosphere in schools here is kinda nice but Im struggling to see how the kids are actually learning!
Something I learned today?
I watched two separate videos about the war in the Ukraine and both the content and the commentators were totally at odds with each other. One discussed the masses of destroyed tanks in Ukraine’s counter-offensive and the other saw Ukraine prepare to attack on Russian soil. It felt like neither side’s commenters knew about the possibility of there being other narratives and as someone who hasn’t been following too closely, it’s difficult to know what to believe. Maybe that’s the point.
How can I be kinder to myself?
I’m pretty kind to myself already. At 55 I think I’m finally over my angsty teenage phase. I’m just getting started on real adult life.
I took this picture because when a student is not concentrating and looking at their phone I will ask them to hand it over and sometimes take as many pictures as I can with it to fill up their free space and they have to go back and delete all the photos. This was one of about 50 photos I took on Tulip’s phone today. She was a good sport about it even after finding that she actually had run out of space.
This cracked mirror shows The holes in the heart Pieces drop to the floor As the jigsaw falls apart Put back together again It’s never quite the same Like a missing memory It’s difficult to explain Reorder, reimagined Ghosts fill the floors A handful of smoke Rushes through closing doors Voices in the distance Are illusions of the past Clear out all the cobwebs These confusions will not last
Today I’m feeling:
Sad, down, and a little lonely. Our two Aussie cats are lovely but they never come and rub me nose-to-nose or come and settle on my lap. Kim Chi is everywhere in my memory but I want her here in my house. Sigh.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding olive oil in the kitchen so I could roast potatoes, pumpkin and onion for lunch. My first proper meal since Friday. I didn’t see the bottle where I was expecting but later found it on top of a cabinet. It saved me a trip out. I’m not much in the mood for going out though I know I should . The best thing about today was:
Despite what I said above about having no mood to go out I can’t stop myself from coffee. At Utopia Boss was hungover so Noey made my coffees and though she’s still practising they tasted fine. I chatted with her for a bit, conscious that I was just distracting my thoughts.
When I got home I called Hayden and asked him just to talk to me to distract me too. He is sounding good and seems to have come around to the offer of taking a permanent part-time position with his work. He’s starting to listen more to the advice Bronwyn and I give him though we know it can take a few days for him to run it through his mind. He asked if I wanted to talk about Kim and I said maybe next time and after hanging up I couldn’t hold back the tears.
As I imagine many people reading this, some will think what is the big deal it’s just a cat, and other cat owners will understand. But I ask myself, why am I so upset? I often consider the fact that we are all going to die and have talked with Amy about being prepared for our cat’s passing. So, something was special about the love I have for Kim Chi. I’ve always rooted for the underdog and when she came into our lives she was very lucky. She could’ve ended up at a temple totally defenceless against other cats and dogs. Instead, she got to spend her short life in relative happiness with us. For some reason, she attached herself more to me than Amy and after Amy went to Australia I guess I was pouring all my love into little Kim.
I cried out for her. Where are you, Kim? I pretended she was in her favourite box in the walk-in and was rubbing her head and tickling her tummy. I opened a gap between my hanging shirts hoping to see her little face once more, looking out sleepily before settling back into a new position. Where are you, Kim?
I know your body is in the ground here. But where are you?
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Apart from my grief, there’s nothing in particular out of my control today. I’m also not really doing anything either.
Something I learned today?
Apparently, Zelensky has said that if Bakhmut falls to Russia then Ukraine will have to sue for peace. This whole war was a waste of time and lives and some people have gotten very rich from it. Humans can be shit.
What is something I love about this season?
In north Thailand, there is nothing much to love about this season. The forecast is for a heatwave for the whole month which likely means no rain to clear the poisonous smoke. I guess there are still good strawberries around but it’s little consolation.
I put this picture here because this is the last picture I took when Kim was alive. One of the spots she loved to sit and annoy Cap from, or to launch herself off around the house on a mad chase.
There’s no freedom without morality Or institutions to provide education For freedom to provide peaceful reality Needs reassessment of this situation
We (a royal we, a royal we of the West) are obsessed with freedom but we’ve misunderstood its reality. Freedom does not mean freedom to just do as you please. It must have some moral guidelines and that part is being eroded and going missing in our modern Western societies. I don’t know so much about other societies in depth but I feel that they have a different relationship with ‘authority’. It’s a choice to make and to pick your battles.
The shampoo that helps clean up Tigger’s skin. It leaves his coat feeling good and hopefully, this is the last time I have to wash him for a while as the blisters have almost all gone now. Luckily he doesn’t mind me washing him too much now.
The best thing about today was:
Starting to read Death’s End. First at Daytripper and then in the cooler late afternoon in the hammock. Already thought-provoking in the first 40 pages. Awesome.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I couldn’t resist an afternoon nap after reading and I spent an hour fluctuating between lucidity and what felt like deep sleep. As I was falling asleep waves of euphoria hit me dragging me down to dreamland. It was delicious, I love that feeling and tried to make it last longer but the pull was too strong. I handled the ‘waste of time’ with sixty jumping jacks when I woke up and after shaking out my head a little.
Something I learned today?
After China brokered a deal between Iran and Saudia Arabia last week there’s talk now about the possibility of negotiating peace between Russia and Ukraine. That would be the biggest diplomatic coup so far this century.
Pushing the world toward peace is the exact opposite of what the US has promoted for the last 70 years. I really hope China can pull it off.
How can I express my creativity today?
How? In any number of ways. Anything is possible. However, I didn’t really. The two photos I took were about it. I did get some students to test my online lesson though, but I created that yesterday and will update accordingly tomorrow. I guess I got some ideas. Not every day is creative, much as we might like it to be.
I took this picture because it’s time to start a new book and get back into a good story. The third part of the trilogy and it’s off with a bang and a twist. I got to Daytripper early so not many people around. I also started to feel sleepy as my body and brain winds down from the intensity of the classroom.
Now we are the Nazis We are ISIS, the terrorists We accepted hatred For our motivational bomb-schools Where lessons learned Were in books burned As we mistook our enemies To be the ones fooled
Now we commit genocide From romantic shelter Far away from freedom Forcing refugees at our borders No ifs, just rifle butts Force of power, force power cuts And bodies pile up Of those who were simply following orders
The stash of Pocky that Amy left here because she couldn’t fit it in her luggage when going back to Australia. Now I can use them as birthday gifts for my students!
The best thing about today was:
I want to say my students but they were probably also the worst thing about today too! They make me laugh and they make me cry.
Goya and Pat gave me friendship bracelets (just pieces of string).
Fah and Boty play jokes on me and Bright always enjoys having jokes played on him.
And of course, they all try to get away with murder when they think I’m not looking.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The usual group of 1/7 students were late to my class again and I marked them as ‘absent’. I could tell 4 of them were debating whether to just skip class then but decided to stay though they weren’t very happy.
They soon cheered themselves up together though and were very happy when I rewarded them by changing their status to ‘late’ instead of ‘absent’.
They come up with all sorts of bullshit excuses for being late but realise they don’t fly when all the other students are always on time.
The work is so easy too but they don’t put it together that if they just cracked on with it they could finish the class that much sooner. They’ll figure themselves out at some point.
Something I learned today?
I learned that from 1971 until 1989 US-China relations were fairly cooperative except that for the US it was a case of an enemy of my enemy is a friend and the relationship changed again once the Soviet Union fell. It makes me wonder why we have to have enemies?
How can I be more mindful and present in the moment?
I think I need to calm my thoughts a lot more again. My brain is a little overactive recently and I need to stop looking at things like Twitter and YouTube as much as I do. It’s too easy to get wound up by the stupidities of the world when in actuality things are quite sedate around my own life.
I took this picture because our jacarandas are blooming and in the misty sunrise the purple looks luscious.
1994ever 