Tag: Utopia

Untold Story – 7th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Your wisdom made you arrogant
Though smart enough to hide
Behind that handsome smile
Your true feelings kept inside

When the winner’s cup is presented
You’re humble in the glory
Just enough to disguise
Your secret untold story

A letter from future me (sent 7th April 2023)

Dear FutureMe,

Right now you are feeling so sad and down about life. One week ago today you took little Kim to the vet where they told you she would have to stay overnight. By the next day she was gone and on the following day you buried her next to the garage.

That first week without her has been hellish. With Amy away in Australia, herself suffering the sadness along with the inability to comfort each other, it feels like double emptiness. One little cat had made such a great impact on your own little life.

You try and fill the space with Cap and Tig but their own individual personalities don’t cut it. They have their own thing going on.

Along with all this is the terrible air pollution burning your eyes and giving you headaches. When you read this it will just be a memory and hopefully you are enjoying the clean fresh air at the end of rainy season and looking forward to winter. Don’t forget this though. This shitty air will come again. Be prepared.

As the ghosts of Hellcat still haunt you, slowly this pain will dampen and I hope that all you have now are the best memories of little Kim Chi and all the love she brought to you. Like all that you’ve lost in your life – mum, Steve, Kimi – they were special.

This is hard to write. I’m sitting here in Utopia feeling a little like not wanting to go home and be surrounded by the memories. It’s the holidays now and not wanting to go out into the foul air means staying home and subjecting myself to the constant reminders of that bright-eyed little one.

I hope you are feeling better mate.
Shaun from the past

Today I’m feeling:

Aching all over. Old muscles must’ve been activated yesterday. I slept well enough and woke up before my 8 am alarm but feel like today may need a nap to catch up fully.

I was dizzy drinking my coffee and have come home and got back into bed! I don’t feel sleepy, just tired.

Today I’m grateful for:

Yesterday! Despite my tired body, I feel great, especially after a two-hour top-up of sleep. Slowly I’m feeling (and seeing) the benefits of my exercise habit.

The best thing about today was:

I enjoyed playing guitar today and ended up playing for about an hour and a half. I didn’t do a whole lot of anything else much otherwise though. No exercise at all today. Give my body a chance to recover.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Around 2 pm I decided to go out to the shop next to Utopia to get my favourite dish, Lard Na, but when I got there the lady said she’d run out of the crispy noodles. She provided a solution in Thai that I didn’t understand but agreed to and waited with some trepidation. But I shouldn’t have worried because the thick rice noodles she used she had added an egg too which had gone crispy and tasty, all buried under the usual sauce, tofu and veggies I like.

Something I learned today?

I watched a couple more episodes of The Making of Apocalypse Now and understood more the parallels of the history, the movie’s story and the making of it. The crew went through their own kinds of hell to make it possible. Quite an impressive feat and one of my favourite movies.

What do I hope to achieve someday?

100? To wake up with no aches? Recognition, immortality, legend?

Complete 100% satisfaction and happiness?

I feel like I don’t have any real goals set to tick off any achievements and now I pass the mantle on to Hayden and my students. They have potentially more future ahead of them than I do and my hope is that they achieve some of their dreams and wishes.

I took this picture because this little buddy was pleased to see me again and quickly presented her belly for rubs.

The Agreement – 1st October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Autoscroll with the eyes
Swipe right for a surprise
Emoji conversations
Anti-social innovations
Everyone just a click away
What was learned today?
A new world record recorded
One second, triple crown awarded
Today’s winner of the internet
Is so easy to forget
But you either follow or lead
The new social etiquette agreed

Today I’m feeling:

As enthusiastic as the weather which is dull and grey. Not unhappy though. As I sit drinking my coffees I contemplate the day, where I may watch yesterday’s AFL grand final, play guitar, read and read and read and possibly vacuum through the house, though that is bottom of the list. I’m contemplating the week ahead and have to go to get medicine tomorrow morning, do some shopping and get some more lesson plans ready before travelling next week. And right now I’m wondering when my washing will ever get a chance to dry.

(Later) Sun did eventually crack open the sky but not quite enough to completely dry my sodden pants and towel. 

Today I’m grateful for:

The vacuum cleaner and the excellent work it did following me around sucking up lizard shit and cat hair. I feel like I can pretend a room is clean if it’s been vacuumed. Just don’t look too closely.

The best thing about today was:

An afternoon visit to Utopia for a little extra buzz to push me through the nap stage and spur on my cleaning enthusiasm.

I also bought a 30-baht light switch and replaced the dimmer switch in the living room because the dimmer switch only works with old-style bulbs. The fluctuations of voltage in the house blows the bulbs too often that it’s annoying to keep replacing them especially as they also getting harder to find in stores.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

As I was talking with Amy this evening I realised that this coming week I would need to walk Leo in the mornings and afternoons but had planned to go to work and just hang around a little while and then come home (or for tomorrow go to get new meds at the hospital). This would mean two trips to the city each day which would work out expensive petrol wise. Amy seemed a little annoyed when I mentioned this and she was already tired and ready to sleep and didn’t want to have to think about it further.

In the meantime I think what I will do is do the double trip tomorrow, hang around at House on Tuesday until the afternoon and then on Wednesday I have a plan to meet Bruno and some of our old students for lunch so hanging around isn’t a big deal. Then on Thursday, I can take Leo to Oil’s pet resort as that was the plan when I was away anyway.

Something I learned today?

Collingwood won the AFL grand final yesterday. It was a tight game and Collingwood have probably been the best team this season but still, unless you’re a Collingwood supporter, everyone else supports their opponents.

What do I want to focus on this month?

My focus is on keeping my head on straight, not stressing about the changes ahead and enjoying my holiday. 

Outside of that, I’m kind of excited to prepare some new lessons for next semester. I know that sitting down and starting that is the hardest part and once I get into it the ideas start flowing.

I took this picture because Tigger is a photogenic cat.

No Thieves – 30th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

When the things you own
Start to own you
It’s time to head to the river
And watch it all float away
Say goodbye to safety
Burn everything that belongs
No thieves can come to spoil
To steal away the heart
When the wind blows away the nest
Or the wolves knock down
All the walls you thought you owned
You see the splendour in new bricks

inspired by the line from Fight Club ‘The things you used to own, now they own you’

Today I’m feeling:

Relaxed and tired. I enjoyed a sleep-in and feel like I may not make it through the day without a nap but I also feel like my body is recovering faster each Saturday now. I’m grateful for the rest day though more thoughts are coming now about doing exercise because I know more about the benefits through experience. I’m still not quite ready and the holiday will surely set me back but I think it will come one day.

Today I’m grateful for:

My last weed gummy that I bought months ago. I heard that the government has banned weed again though I don’t know how well it will be enforced. All the folks who have invested in it surely won’t switch to another product for a while so I’m guessing it will still be available. While I sometimes like the effects of ingesting weed I’m less bothered about it these days. 

The best thing about today was:

I caved to the nap and it was great! Almost three hours.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

When I got back from Utopia, the sun was poking out so I decided to stick the washing on and hope for the best with the weather. As I hopped into bed for a nap the pitter-patter of raindrops could be heard hitting the tin roof outside. It wasn’t enough to stir me though and a couple of minutes later it had become a deluge and I handled it by falling asleep dreamily to calming sounds.

Something I learned today?

Art will go for a walk up to the Hill Tribe village past the Nang Lae waterfall tomorrow at 6.30 a.m. He invited me, which I’m grateful for, but I prefer to catch up on relaxing the weekend away after my 6 a.m. weekday starts.

What were the highlights of this past month?

I always find these questions difficult because I’m not really seeking highlights but consistent contentment and so if I think back over this month it has been steadily positive and happy. 

My various interactions with my students are foremost in my enjoyment but they come thick and easy during the work days.

I took this picture because I still didn’t take any pictures today and decided on these two ducks found in a second-hand store, with the awesome picture I got made for Amy behind them.

My Witness – 24th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Who is my witness? Who is left alive?
Does anyone remember our struggling to strive?
With no one left to share
Is there anyone left to care?
All the wisdoms found
Buried back in the ground
Words are often repeated
Once the time’s completed
The same mistakes are made
For which the past already paid

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions

Today I’m feeling:

A bit fried. My head is not quite clear this morning. I’m not unhappy or bothered at the moment, just kinda wondering what’s next.

(Later) The weekend slumber has helped and I feel fighting fit again for a new week. Last week at school with the kids!

Today I’m grateful for:

The non-communicative (grumpy?) guy in the bottle shop next door to Lamp Cafe who said nothing except ‘30 baht’ when I was buying soda water. He never looked up at me or said thank you or goodbye, even though I did. I’m getting used to all sorts of people and grateful that I still feel like this is an enjoyable place for me to be.

The best thing about today was:

The slow get-go that eventually turned into enthusiasm and happiness. It’s hot again but I definitely prefer the less cloudy grey skies. Riding back from Utopia I was considering riding off and around about but perhaps have to wait until next weekend.

Something I learned today?

I watched a fascinating documentary about the collapse of the Bronze Age in the Mediterranean. It makes me interested to travel more. In my imagination, it feels like life hasn’t changed there much over the centuries.

What activities cause me to lose track of time?

As I’m getting older I’m finding more and more that time slips away ever faster. I’m never troubled by boredom anymore and often wish I could be. I’d like time to slow down. Could I stand to give up my comfortable life and possessions for a more meaningful and meagre existence? Do I really want to feel bored again?

Pretty much all activities cause me to lose track of time these days.

Where can I broaden my perspective?

I think this can be anywhere and everywhere. Despite knowing I am opinionated on many things I don’t wish to ever become close-minded about things. I can only make judgements on the things I know and I must admit that I don’t know everything. My perspective is broadened every day with everything I see and do.

Noey took this picture because… I’m not sure why actually, but I think I look pretty good in it.

Making Happy – 16th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

Here lies the glory days
The laughter, love and pains
Stashed ragged in a box
A jumbled collection of remains

Dried disintegrated flowers
Scattered at the grave of who I’ve been
Now forever falling forward
Towards whatever I wish to dream

Once I came back to visit
But couldn’t force myself to stay
The memories are happier now
And I’d like to keep them that way

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Tired from a long reasonable sleep. My body is aching from all the exercise this week so I’ll happily give it a little break. No plans in particular for today though I might watch the AFL replays as they should be good games. I’ll get some reading in today as I skipped it a lot this week, running out of time and energy. I need to pick up the guitar too. Suddenly I’m filling a relaxing day but at least there’s no real stress right now.

Today I’m grateful for:

A dreamy afternoon nap, spacing in and out of the jazz core podcast. Is that weird? I remember one time as a teenager Jez came around and he couldn’t believe I was sleeping and listening to Crass’s Yes Sir, I Will album cranked up and to be fair I wasn’t in a deep sleep but spacing in and out. I guess I’m well-practiced.

The best thing about today was:

Drinking late morning coffees and getting a super buzz off them. I contemplated a third but managed to restrain myself. I wish I could drink endless coffees without getting so jacked up on them.

What is it that makes you a weirdo in your space?

To answer this I might have to figure out what ‘my space’ means. In fact, I might be considered a weirdo in any space these days. But I’m projecting that onto other people. I don’t think of myself as weird at all.

My space as a teacher: not just as a teacher but as a teacher in Thailand. By being a foreigner, that immediately makes me an anomaly. We are treated differently by other teachers and students alike.

My style of interaction with the teachers is relatively normal but I am one of only two teachers I ever see engaging with kids outside of class. This could also contribute to how the students treat me differently too. 

They don’t show the same respect but they are more interactive at least. I don’t see myself as being on some kind of untouchable pedestal that this status could afford. I’d rather connect on a more friendly level. That means also having to deal with all their emotional ups and downs and behavioural issues as they are navigating their teenage growth. 

What the Thai teachers think about my style of interaction with the students I have no idea or particular interest. I’m doing the best I can with the little skills I have and if it improves my student’s lives in any way then I consider what I’m doing to be positive.

My space as a music supporter: as demonstrated with tenzenmen I have a broad range of musical interests and whilst this makes for an unsuccessful business model I don’t wish to be defined within a limited genre because that’s just boring to me. Some people get it. 

As a person that was in the middle of a ‘scene’ in Sydney, I was also, somewhat purposefully, separate from the other people involved. In many ways, I just didn’t want to deal with all the personal bullshit going on in their lives or share any of mine. Our interactions were intentionally just involving music and getting that out there. I felt that about 80% of the people were my friends whom I could trust if I ever needed but always managed to keep myself in a situation where that need would never arise. This didn’t make me close friends in their eyes but it did for me.

My space as Amy’s partner: Amy may consider me a weirdo in many ways but she understands my aesthetic and ideals whether she understands my interests or not. 

For other people outside our relationship, I don’t really know what they might think about me as an individual but they are often confused about our relationship. For Amy and I, it is not confusing at all.

Many of her friends do not understand how we can trust each other and maintain our relationship when we are not together but that is hardly a statement on us and says more about them.

My space as a father to Hayden: I guess I’m not particularly weird in this space. I have never been much of a hands-on controlling kind of father and therefore have not been particularly stressed about his growing pains and even when it has been frustrating to watch him make mistakes I have always trusted that he will find his way in the end and slowly he seems to be doing that. I may be wrong but I feel many fathers deal with their sons in the same way.

There are other spaces I fill too but these feel like the main.

What would make today great?

Well, the day is almost done and it was a standard good day without anything particularly great occurring. It was great that the rain that threatened all day managed to hold off until I had brought the washing in. Small wins.

Noey took this picture because I got up late and Utopia were wondering where I was. That’s nice to be appreciated as a customer or even as a friend.
Fatman report

Stuck In Reverse – 9th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Oil pours from the heart
Thick, sad and grey
Even the falling tears
Cannot wash it away
Struggling with movement
This unreal ache inside
Consumes all thoughts
As if one had died

Life continues blurred
A no-prescription fix
Life left without magic
A wall without bricks
Cogs no longer turning
Rusted brown from salt
Stuck in reverse
But nobody’s fault

Today I’m feeling:

Still a little run-down. I had some tension in my legs that stopped me from sleeping much beyond my alarm and eventually pulled myself out of bed. The gardeners are coming today and I was expecting them to wake me up but no sign yet. I contemplated some exercise but flaked out. Ugh.

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to watch the AFL again this season. This elimination final has got me tense and stressed and it’s the end for Sydney and the rest of the day will feel a little flat unless I find something to do to pick myself up. Fark it!

I’m also grateful to the Swans for their determination to make the finals this year against the odds. They are not a premiership-looking team at the moment though to be fair they weren’t in 2012 either when they beat Hawthorn. Let’s wait for next summer.

The best thing about today was:

Receiving a nice message from my student Namkhing (see yesterday) for helping her improve her English. It made me feel appreciated.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The gardeners still hadn’t come by 1 pm so I went out to grab some lunch and go shopping and when I got back three hours later they were just leaving. As I wasn’t here I couldn’t tell them not to cut Kim’s patch but at least they left the tub that is placed over her plant. The things growing there will recover pretty quickly anyway so not too bad.
Elsewhere I can see everything is pretty badly done if you look closely. Really no attention to detail.
I was curious if the little papaya would get destroyed and sure enough, it did. I don’t want to tell Amy how unsatisfied I am with their work as it will just make her upset and angry and give her more ammunition to complain about her undeveloped third-world country. I think that will just get me down so I’ll just dwell on the fact that at least the grass looks better.

Something I learned today?

There are an estimated 8.7 million species on earth and more than 80% of them are undiscovered. (factanimal.com)

What am I most excited about for the future?

I should be more excited about going to Australia and I probably will feel it more once I land. The familiarity of Sydney will make for a strange feeling as this will be the first time to take a holiday in this city. Most holidays I had when I was there involved going to someplace else.

As I was writing this Amy video-called and I could see the familiar deep blue sky behind her. I could sense the smells, sounds and feeling of being there. Whilst I miss that now, I know that familiarity breeds contempt or more just complacency and taking things for granted. Maybe I’m even taking things for granted here now too as I’m less awed by the fact that I am here in Thailand.

Beyond that, I’m not particularly excited about anything specifically. I’m either flat or satisfied with where I’m at right now and I prefer to think I’m the latter.

I took this picture because this excited little pup came to greet me at the restaurant next door to Utopia. It’s grown since I last saw it but I could still squash it with my foot!

A Dull Knife – 7th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Where did your confidence go?
Now is the time that matters
When the body began to grow
Your self-belief just shatters

Open for manipulations
And unable to see your abuse
Dealing with the situations
When you think that you’re no use

Ahead lies a trail of tears
Never knowing where it’s going
Unless you overcome these fears
That are stopping you from growing

inspired by a struggling student whose name may translate to something like ‘blade’ or ‘propeller’

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and stuffed up. Last night I was getting a sore throat but that seems ok today. Now it seems to have moved into my head. I didn’t sleep well and when my alarm went off I sent a message to my students that I wouldn’t be at school and went back to an extra 3 hours of bad sleep. My body is aching from all the exercising I’ve been doing too, maybe pushing too hard (but the results in the mirror are inspiring). I’m grateful for a day off and time to go and check the dental clinic at the hospital.

Today I’m grateful for:

To meet the little pregnant cat at the shop next door to Utopia that was sitting quietly on the mat and either contemplating life or watching the traffic. It’s about 60% white but then the rest is a complete jumble of every other cat colour you ever saw. A quarter of her head looks like Tigger and elsewhere are small patches of Kim-ginger. What a family tree this kitty must have and due to soon add further to the sad abundance of cats looking for homes.

The best thing about today was:

Doing very little. The chocolate protein milk I drank was nice and, pulling out some weeds, being about as much exercise as I got today, felt satisfying. Nothing over the top as a stand-out highlight and despite being tired, dizzy and lazy, the day was enjoyable enough.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Last night before going to sleep I told myself that despite having a sore throat and feeling tired I would get up with my alarm and exercise and if I still felt bad I would go back to bed. In the back of my mind I knew that there was little chance of me getting up and doing this and that is indeed what happened.
I don’t yet have the thought control to overcome the easy way out though also feel I should respect what my body is telling me. It is tired for a reason and not just laziness.
Today I have already decided to go to school tomorrow and that means exercise in the morning. As my mind is already anticipating being at school this is more likely to happen.

Something I learned today?

It is Nong Fah’s birthday today. Happy 14th birthday to a smart kid. I only knew from her Facebook post wishing herself a happy birthday. Kids seem to do that a lot. They maybe don’t set their profile up with a birthday or with the correct date but then when it comes around they want people to know and to soak in some best wishes.

What work do I enjoy doing?

At one point or another, I’ve enjoyed all the different types of work I’ve done. The work isn’t usually an issue, it’s the systems, people and chasing of profit that make it difficult, uninspiring and frustrating. 

In some ways, I’m jealous of those who have utilised their creativity to be able to work at things they love and be able to earn enough money (or be satisfied with their struggle) to survive. In other ways, I’ve been happy to keep the money-making separate from the things I love to do.

At this moment in time, there has been some convergence between the two as I’m very satisfied with the work I’m doing (teaching) and getting financially rewarded enough.

Quote: It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. – Henry David Thoreau

I’ve looking at this quote for many days not being sure what to write but Fah’s birthday has provided me with the inspiration. You can see from the picture that she is a pretty girl but she is not a standout amongst the crowds in the school or even in her class. What attracts me to her is her personality, smarts and common sense. It’s not about maturity as such, as she still acts in common with most 13/14-year-olds. To look at her is one thing, what I see is another.

What I see when I look at my wife is our history of 15 years and everything that that means to me. The good times, the tough times, the fun and funny times. Travels, experiences, companionship, love.

When I look at attractive young ladies I’m only looking at a picture, I don’t ‘see’ anything beyond that. When I look at Amy I ‘see’ her completely. On the outside, we are no longer the handsome or beautiful people we met but have travelled together beyond the superficial. Whatever the future holds it won’t be spoiled by anything that could merely be considered a picture.

I took this picture of the birthday girl from one of her online videos. I’ll send it to her again in ten years’ time (if we are still in touch) and we can reminisce about the days we are having now. Students for life.

Agitation Free – 2nd September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 14 Comments

Your shining eyes, not yet shot
With the blood of your tears
The soft smooth skin betrays
The few numbers of your years

No danger found its way to you
Cushioned within a bubble
Innocence not yet agitated
Unaccustomed to dealing with trouble

The decisions made from now
Will show what’s been learned
The love that you deserve each day
Will be the love you’ve earned

Submitted to dVerse OLN #357

Today I’m feeling:

Tired but healthy. I just couldn’t make it up with my alarm and ended up with an extra couple of hours of bad sleep due to aches and pains in my shoulders from my exercise this week. But I got the washing on and have to go shopping and I’m mentally preparing for the stack of shirts to iron. I might even finish the vacuuming that I started last week but didn’t quite complete the kitchen and dining room!

Today I’m grateful for:

The Thai basil plant that Amy planted a few years ago but I was unable to keep alive since she’s been away. However, whilst pulling grass out from amongst the random cactuses we have growing I found a new Thai basil plant growing. Woohoo! I pulled the old one out and threw it over the fence and moved the new one into its place and hopefully, it will survive the move and grow as big. 

The best thing about today was:

A relative feeling of accomplishment. I managed to get clothes washed and dried despite the big rain, though it did add another five shirts to the ironing pile which is something I didn’t get done today. I pulled up some grass and weeds, sorted out recycling, took it to our garage and got a haircut. Got all my shopping done too.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It was time for my 4 or 5-month haircut (see below) as I’d been hacking at it myself recently and as I sat in the chair for the couple of minutes it takes to roll through my hair with the electric razor a big rain blew in with no end in sight. Ah well, a free shower and clothes wash for my ride home. The mountain rain is cold but the air is still warm so apart from drops stinging my face and blurring my glasses it wasn’t too uncomfortable.

Something I learned today?

By chance, I found an app called Sleepagotchi and recommended it to my sleepy struggling student. It needs a bit of setting up and perhaps a wearable device which I doubt she has but it looks like a more fun way of sleep tracking for teenagers than other apps I’ve seen. I’m trying it out to see how well it works.

What are my top three priorities for this week and why?

Finish grading my students as requested by the school. They’ve only requested to fill in 50% of the scores which is ridiculous as we have to have it all completed soon anyway. Why not just do it all? That’s what I’m doing anyway. As I’ve mentioned before grading is a farce here when no student is allowed to fail and 60% of the class must be graded 3 or more (out of four). 

Pay the electricity bill, for obvious reasons. Though perhaps if someone is reading this in ten thousand years’ time and is unfamiliar with what may then be an antiquated technology, electricity is something that helps us live comfortable lives.

Get my shirts ironed. What a shit priority! Better to say; keep exercising, reading, writing, playing guitar etc. but they are all things I’m going to do anyway.

Take a view from above.

I sit in the hairdresser studying the hair across the floor. A sunburnt old man, probably younger than me is flat, laying back in the chair as the chatty hairdresser slides a cutthroat razor skilfully around his chin. 

A clean tiled floor, two wooden park benches not designed for comfort for customers, and a fridge with a bag of fruit on top. Old dusty fans and faded pictures of landscapes and kings. There is so much dust on the old tape deck that it looks like it hasn’t been touched for years or would even work now.

The ubiquitous plastic chairs badly stacked next to a plastic sink in the corner, dirty from use at weddings, funerals, and dinners. 

The room is full yet sparse with the rotating barber seat really the only signifier that this is a room for hairdressing.

The TV blares nonsensical (to me) words from the corner. An emotional lady talking about I don’t know what. Both the man in the chair and another old man younger than me waiting his turn are glued to the woman now tearing up but looks to me to be manufactured viewing fodder. 

The little ginger cat is not sleeping here today. Where are you sleeping? Or are you chasing mice somewhere?

The stuffy air in here is filled with the hard-working old men’s sweat. Not particularly unpleasant but a positive reinforcement of satisfaction of work done. Lives worthwhile. The open windows and fan are merely feathering the hot heavy air. The stillness is reflected in everyone’s speed. There’s no hurry here. 

Second in line, I’ll sit here happily waiting. I have things to do but they’ll get done when they get done.

I love the utility of this place. A room is only a hairdresser’s when there is someone cutting hair, otherwise, anything can happen here.

Am I nostalgic for poorer days, a voyeur into a past I escaped? I remember the days of make-do and mend and pulled myself sideways to avoid it. There is a sense of community in the struggle that no longer exists for those of us who found bootstraps to pull. The values of freedom and independence are a privilege that often finds us struggling still. 

Remembering that the best part of the journey is what you find on the way and not what you find when you arrive pushes us onwards.

Let’s not be nostalgic, not be complacent. Let’s struggle more. Let’s revel in our simplified suffering. We are not facing life and death whilst simultaneously facing a slow life and death.

The woman on TV’s voice is quivering again and it’s my turn to get my hair cut.

I took this picture because this tells Amy exactly where I am and what I’m doing.

Crow’s Feet – 19th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 11 Comments

A survey of the skin
Tells our stories
A book held within
Full of old glories

The cut, once blood
When tears did run
Baked on, caked on mud
Drying in the sun

Each crevice and crack
Formed from laughs and cries
Can never be turned back
No matter how many tries

Botox babies and teens
Scared to take a fall
Fear what it all means
When it means not much at all

10th May 2024 – Shared to dVerse OLN

Today I’m feeling:

Slept early last night and got up early ready to go for a ride with Bruno, up to Doi Chang.

I was too early for Utopia but felt pumped to be going on a long ass ride. Once getting into the mountains the cool clean air tickled my nose with the now-familiar smells of fresh growth foliage and flowers. All the food stalls around added to the perfume and even the small fires around reminded me of camping trips from days gone by. 

It was a joy to be out there today.

Today I’m grateful for:

Bruno being the way he is and leading us to accidentally drink civet-shit coffee overlooking a glorious long valley view. 

The owners also gave us a fresh avocado with local honey and Bruno asked if they had any more to which he was told sure, just go pick them. They went off under the terrace and picked up 4 or 5 big cricket balls from high up using a net on a 3-metre bamboo pole. I love that Bruno will just go and do what takes his fancy and it always ends us up in interesting situations

The best thing about today was:

The ride down from Doi Chang and through Doi Wawee was just beautiful and Wawee especially was a pretty village. The school had just let out students at midday and we drove up past the gates. The school is magnificent, sculpted up the hillside, and looks impeccable. All the kids were happy and playful as they tumbled out down the hill. 

Riding through these places made me reflect a bit more on my place in Thailand and as a teacher. I can understand more about the teacher’s and the student’s apathy when I see the places where they live and the lack of opportunities and ambition around them. I give them a hard time to make the best of themselves and now I recognise those soft faces looking up at me quietly expressing, ‘What’s the point?’

Once on the road back to Mae Chan, I got stuck behind a van with about ten school students stuffed in the back along with various packages, parcels and goods. They were all happily, lazily chatting and looking at their phones, perhaps just being in the happy childhood state of not knowing what is going to happen next, where they are going or what they will do when they arrive.

In opposition, all I wanted to do was overtake the van but the roads were too twisty to be able to get around. I just wanted to get home to where I knew exactly everything that will happen. I wished I could go back to that state of happiness that comes from interruptions to boredom, saying yes to anything, just to hang out a bit longer.

When I was like that I was usually the last one home.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I thought I would struggle with not having my usual two morning coffees but for some reason, I was just psyched to be riding and didn’t really want to stop anywhere until we got ‘there’, wherever the next ‘there ‘ was.

At the end of the 7-hour ride, covered in mud, dirt and dust I dropped into Utopia for coffee finally and they all wondered why I hadn’t been in the morning.

Something I learned today?

I learned that civet shit coffee tastes smooth but is overpriced and overrated.

What was I like as a child?

The same as I am now but less grown up….in effect, I am still a child, it is just that I have learned how to handle adult responsibilities. 

I took this picture because we nearly missed this shop but glad we turned back to stop and check out this incredible view.

There’s Cake – 12th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Security kills me
Anxiety keeps me alive
The paranoid and prudent
Get to survive

I don’t want to be happy
I don’t want to want
I don’t deserve it
There must be more
More than survival

A life without pain
Would often be short
Our wealth is unhealthy
But we’re mostly bought

Found in abundance
At a temporary table
Making me so fat
And mentally unstable

I don’t want to feel good
I don’t want to want
But I want to be good
My biology
Keeps eating my cake

Denton, Texas befuddlers Flesh Narc pile together the nicest grapes they could find, herein compiled from the first song they wrote in 2013 to the band’s first tour in summer 2017. Witness the genre whiplash that Flesh Narc is capable of from their beginnings as a slacker post-punk power trio to their descent into electronic abstraction and back to a retightened, haywire rock band. A comprehensive review of Flesh Narc’s early years, off-the-wall lyrical content and confused music guaranteed.

tracks 1-4 recorded October-November 2014 by Michael Briggs
tracks 5-7 recorded October, December 2015 by Michael Briggs
tracks 8-10 recorded June-July 2016 by Michael Briggs
tracks 11-13 recorded October, December 2015-February 2016 by Sinevil
track 14 recorded live February 10th 2017 at Cleemus & Ploumplesti’s, Denton
tracks 15-18 recorded May-June 2017 by Justin Lemons
track 19 recorded live August 4th 2017 at Archer Ballroom, Chicago by Steve Gassen

1-4: Optical Intrusion (January 2015)
5,6: Slow Deep and Narc (March 2016)
7: Narc That! (June 2016)
8,9: TS/FN ❤ (split with Thin Skin) (November 2016)
10: Dinner’s Served (Thanksgiving 2016)
11-13: Eyes on the Fabric (Narc Infinitives) (February 2017)
14: Hailey’s Fan Club (July 2017)
15-18: Frisky/Gardens (July 2017)
19: Split with Slackbeat (March 2018)

Flesh Narc is Matt Burgess, Rick Eye and Reece McLean.

In early 2013, Rick joined Reece’s project Bukkake Moms and they formed the freewheeling collective Problem Dogg. In the midst of that chaos, Matt’s long-time band Eat Avery’s Bones began playing shows more regularly, and it wasn’t long before Matt became involved in the Problem Dogg consortium. Matt, Reece and Rick practiced for the first time together in November 2013 and wrote their first song, “Jack Off Cubes”. 8 more songs were written but they got distracted by mineral trading drama and decided to stop practicing for 5 months. Upon remembering they were a band, they quickly recorded their 9 unrehearsed songs and made up about 9 more on the spot, some of which were better. Their first album “Optical Intrusion” and companion EP “Narc It!” were released in early 2015 and the first live shows followed. Human microphone stands were utilized and instrument switches were abundant and time-consuming.

Improvised electronics slowly crept in, eventually usurping the live set for a brief part of 2016. A 2nd album “Slow Deep and Narc” with companion EP “Narc That!” followed and not long after a split cassette with Thin Skin.

The band’s slacker rock sound was running its course, and the radical left-turn electronic album “Eyes on the Fabric (Narc Infinitives)” was still held up in post-production. Thankfully, refreshment was found through the joining of Beth Dodds from Bukkake Moms on drums and occasional guitar/bass/keyboards in January 2017. The band gained a new intensity and confusion factor. “Eyes on the Fabric (Narc Infinitives)” finally released in February 2017, featuring stark electronics and free-associating vocals lost in the dark. The new 4-piece Flesh Narc prepared for a summer tour with Thin Skin and produced “Frisky/Gardens”, originally a demo, but later canonized by default. “Hailey’s Fan Club”, a live album of electronic material that verges on comedy, also made its way to tape in time for the tour.

Flesh Narc’s performance in Chicago at Archer Ballroom (later released as a split with Slackbeat in 2018) showed the band in a demented form on the home stretch of tour. In the Loop Magazine reviewed the show calling Flesh Narc, “noise going nowhere” and urged readers to “leave immediately” upon encountering the band (beintheloopchicago.com?p=20995).

In the immediate wake of the tour, the 4-piece line-up of Flesh Narc dissolved. The band’s next album, intended to be called “Grapes” (consisting of rerecorded “Frisky/Gardens” songs and new material), was scrapped before recording. The band reverted back into a trio again and replaced drums with manually-tapped drum machine and tapes.

And what happens after that is for another compilation another time.

From 2017 to the present day, things in the land of Flesh Narc have grown very complex, with numerous releases of varying styles with new collaborators. As a quick primer, and to fulfil the unrealized dream of the “Grapes” album, this compilation of Flesh Narc’s early years should suffice.

Today I’m feeling:

Slooow to go! I had a weed gummy last night which I thought didn’t really have much effect beyond focusing concentration on playing guitar. And trying to fix the Canna butter bottle that broke, I had a drop or less of that which seemed to get me thinking sideways for the rest of the evening that rapidly disappeared. I had deeply thought-provoking dreams that felt quite negative in that they reminded me of my age and my place in the world. I woke up a little shook. I feel pretty damn relaxed now though. The heat and rain have gone for a while and it’s nice enough to sit outside again with a soft breeze stirring. I’ve been out here for an hour already. 

Today I’m grateful for:

Bruno picking me up at the Nissan dealer in the afternoon. We went up to Ahka Cottage for coffee whilst the car was being ‘serviced’. I put that in quotes as it’s sometimes a little difficult to know if they really check over everything or just change the oil and filter and things you ask them. Presumably, they’re doing a good job.

I’m also grateful to Gong at Utopia who called ahead to Daytripper about a pipette for me for my CBD oil.

What was the best thing today?

Seeing Amy happy back in her room in Sydney, already thinking about how to enjoy her last eight weeks there.   She was happy to return to more comfortable temperatures although it has been a little cooler here too today.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It was odd to be in the passenger seat of a car for a change. Weird not to have a car key in my pocket.

Something I learned today?

Watching Brian Dunning’s inFact explained why there are suddenly lots of military UFO sightings in the last six months. It all seemed to be down to a core group of connected people who have pushing their theories for the last 15 years. They’re not presenting anything new but they are all presenting it at the same time, presumably to inspire funding from the government. Which country? You can guess, it’s your friend and mine, the USA! It’s rare to hear about UFO sightings anywhere else.

What is my favourite time of day?

Although I struggle to do it without external motivation I’ve come to enjoy the mornings, especially living here in Chiang Rai. Age and location also have an influence, as well as circumstances of obligations.

I pretty much like any time of day. I’m alive and the passing of time is increasing. It’s not impossible to enjoy every breath but the last one should be spent in contentment.

I took this picture because I sat outside in the cooler air with this smelly boy rolling around at my feet and His Royal Highness Cappuccino in the apparent safety of the dining room behind the screen door.