Although I wanted to enjoy sleeping longer I got up and out for coffee. Amy had called during the night, though I couldn’t quite get what was happening. She was at the nightclub and I knew she could take care of herself. She hadn’t made it home but ended up calling and was staying at Aor’s house after some mini escapades. All was well though. Still feeling positive after yesterday.
Today I’m grateful for:
Sichuan hotspot. A new Chinese hotspot shop opened in Bandu so we gave it a go and filled our bellies with delicious burning chilli and peppers. I may be less grateful if I suddenly have to rush to the bathroom during the night. My stomach feels like that may be a possibility.
The best thing about today was:
Reading more of the SNFU book whilst drinking my coffees at Utopia. I’m really enjoying it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Tiredness caught up with me for an afternoon nap that I was really reluctant to get up from. I felt like I could just keep sleeping until tomorrow. I will go back to bed soon too, for a stretch of comic book reading first but I will look forward to my sleep and my dreams.
Something I learned today?
Mega Home doesn’t stop fabric spray like Febreeze or the better heavy-duty version I found at Home Pro before.
I took this picture because there was nothing particularly exciting today except for our early spicy dinner.
Hiding in the dark webs, to lurk and deceive More reckless the more special you believe Cyberpunk psychopaths, momentary flame Burned white hot until the end of the game
Today I’m feeling:
Yesterday’s afternoon coffee kept me until midnight reading comics though I fell asleep immediately once I turned off my iPad. A nice lazy nine hours later and I’m up and drinking coffee at Utopia preparing my mind for the two days of school this week.
Today I’m grateful for:
Anything. Sometimes I feel that I take everything for granted. I think about just putting on some good shoes and walking down the highway to Bangkok with nothing. To put myself in some ridiculous situation that I will never actually attempt, and remind myself just how good I have it.
I know I have it easy yet sometimes feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied.
The best thing about today was:
Amy’s carrot cake which improves over time. This evening it was more delicious than yesterday, perhaps also aided by my hunger. Nuts, vegetables, cake. That’s my dinner.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Tigger didn’t eat this morning which is a bit unusual but sometimes when he has a hairball he’s like that. He did eat a little bit in the afternoon but he looked a bit exhausted. Amy decided we should take him to the vet where they found he had an infection and fever. They gave him some medicine and he immediately perked up though he was still obviously stressed to be at the vet’s. We have to keep him inside for a couple of days and take him back again on Saturday.
Something I learned today?
Stupid humans can make a story out of nothing and call it news. Ok, I didn’t learn this today but it was reinforced when mainstream media headlined a story that ‘Chinese zoo accused of a bear being a human in a bear suit’. I’m getting to the point again of cutting out news media from my life, even ones that are of interest to me as they often highlight and ridicule the stupid humans doing and saying stupid things. I want to believe that the majority is better than that.
What is one thing I can do to improve my mental well-being?
Exercise. That’s it. I know it works and it’s the hardest to motivate yourself to do when your mental health is not good.
If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to worry less about ______ and more about ______.
I’ve been looking at this prompt for several days now and am still not sure what to write. I’m struggling to recall some of the things that I used to worry about or that, looking back, weren’t actually worth worrying about at that time.
Sometimes I would worry about what people thought of me but then at other times didn’t care at all. I still don’t much care though I’m not arrogant or over the top about it.
Amy told her friends that I’m an introvert but I don’t think I am particularly. I just don’t interact much with people who don’t really fall into my group of interests. And I’m ok to be by myself. I don’t need attention.
When I was younger I worried a little about money because it was difficult to find. I don’t have a need to worry about that too much these days.
I used to feel incomplete without a girlfriend but I never really worried about it, it was just a desire to be sharing my life with one person. I’m not sure why that was.
So maybe I would tell myself not to have worried about that so much and learned to love myself more and sooner.
In some ways, I grew up slowly, about ten years later than the stereotypical norm. I was in my early 30s when I was behaving like I was in my early 20s. That’s OK. I got there in the end and maybe it’s keeping me feeling ten years younger than I actually am.
I took this picture because Cap has been squeezing himself into Kim’s old favourite sleeping spot. You can still see Kim’s fur along the edges. I miss her so much and every time I think of her I get teary and the only way I cope is to not think of her. Cap is too big for the space so bits of him flow over the edges.
A society of no use, no one else wanted to play Inspired to produce new anthems for today From the garage born, out onto the snowy roads Teenagers once forlorn gathers and explodes
Alienated and rejected, the world begins shaking Many more infected by songs the kids were making Playtime is over, the child juggles live grenades Better run for cover, here come the renegades
Inspired by a passage in the book ‘SNFU – …What No One Else Wanted To Say’ about Canadian punk legends SNFU.
Today I’m feeling:
Like it’s a catch-up day. Exhausted and blurry-eyed as I sit with my first coffee for which Amy has joined me before she goes to look after her grandmum for the day. Her family are off to Phan to offer prayers and blesses to their uncle in the hope that it can help them sell his land. Amy was quite relieved to not have to go and perhaps her mum understands that Amy is not interested in partaking in these events too.
Today I’m grateful for:
The man washing my bike for a couple of bucks. It hasn’t been washed for six months or so and some of the mud will be glued to the engine casing.
In the time it took me to look down at my phone and write this, it started raining somewhat negating the effects of the cleaning but whatever.
The best thing about today was:
Playing guitar for a couple of hours. It’s been a dull grey day and I kinda dozed for a couple of hours listening to podcasts and music. I couldn’t move because Tigger was happily sleeping on me and I didn’t want to disturb him. Baew and Mee came over for dinner and told of their troubles living back here with their family and their intention to go back to Bangkok. I enjoyed food with them but was itching to play guitar so left them to it. I found a few more Damned songs that I should be able to play along to.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve run out of money early this month so already eating into the visa money in the bank which doesn’t matter now except I need to move it back into our high interest account. I’ll have to wait to get paid to do that.
Something I learned today?
Inconsequential and irrelevant to pretty much everything but I never knew that Ted Leo used to play in Citizen’s Arrest and Chisel. I read his interview in Punk Planet and really connected with what he said, much more than many of the other interviewees in the book. I’ll check out Chisel and his solo stuff when I get time.
What is one thing I wish I could tell my future self?
These were the good times. You’re glad you moved your body more often and prepared yourself for the fragile years.
(All these entries are me telling my future self something. My future self will understand.)
I took this picture because P’ti was looking handsome and content in Utopia this morning.
Dieter, where did you come from? And where are you going on that train? A coat and cigarette keep warm There’s a look on your face I can’t explain
Your eyes reflect the blur outside You look lost in what’s gone past Speeding headlong backwards, onwards Out into the cold world so vast
Moving at speed whilst quietly sitting still The dust of the morning on your mind Stepping onto the platform, time stood still As you contemplated what you’d find
When you look out, you’re looking for me I don’t mean for me to be seen I mean you’re seeing the things I see Reflected in all the places that I’ve been
I recognise your heart and passion I see you collecting everyone’s thoughts The future is heading right toward us As we must navigate these ports
inspired by the attached photo, written about at Spinning Visions blog 15th Mar 2024 – Submitted to dVerse ONL 19th Jun 2024 – Submitted to dVerse – traveling by train
Today I’m feeling:
Struggled to get up after a difficult sleep. It was still over 30 degrees in my bedroom at midnight so I had to shove the fan next to the open window again and by the time it was getting light, I started to feel cool. Having the weight of the two fish I ate last night sitting in my stomach didn’t help either. Finally, I slowly stretched, cobra, child’s pose, cat and cow and opened my eyes. I felt okay. I talked myself into riding my pushbike to Utopia and eventually (see picture below) am relaxing with caffeine, considering a third cup to cap it all off.
Today I’m grateful for:
Window polish/cleaner. And Amy. Combined they made the kitchen window clean again. Free of lizard shit, cobwebs and other detritus. I can see clearly again as I chug down a glass of water or wash out the cat bowls.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling like things are coming together around our house again as Amy tidies, cleans and rearranges everything to her fancy. When I’m here by myself I’m just living but when Amy is here with me it feels like home again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I guess the morning start going to Utopia with Tangmo following along was a little test as I had to leave again before I could even have coffee and ride back, taking Tangmo home. But I dealt with it with calm acceptance and just enjoyed the ride and tiring ‘mo out.
Something I learned today?
I must’ve learned something today! Oh! I read a couple of interesting interviews in the Punk Planet book.
That whole book has me reevaluating certain things about my role within the punk/DIY scene. I think when you are deep in the middle of something like that you take it very seriously. Sitting a little outside of that scene now puts into clearer context how others might have viewed it at the time.
One of the interviews was about a scene member’s frustrations with the changes he’d seen at the time (mid-90s) and it felt a little trivial in retrospect but I also understand that a lot of time has passed since and more world experience gathered.
Of more interest was the other interview about protests about the gearing up for bombing Iraq in 1998.
The interviewee was from our scene but had somehow found himself on live TV (CNN) addressing the warmongers in the US government. In the interview, he was hopeful about the movement of protest against this but history ended up differently as political manipulations saw to it that Iraq would be crushed and crippled for a long time.
Almost every on-the-ground report I have heard was about how welcoming the average Iraqi was to strangers. The same propaganda that is currently loose on Russia and China must not be allowed to lead to military conflict.
But the warmongers will continue to beat their drums until the tide of opinion is so overwhelming that it cannot be ignored.
We hoped for that in 1998. Hoped for it in 2003. Hoped again and again. As situations in the most powerful Western countries deteriorate maybe we are edging nearer that change. Perhaps the world is waking up.
What are some things that help me feel calm and relaxed?
Meditation seems to help a little though I’m never quite relaxed when actually doing it. Perhaps the accumulation and habit is part of this process. Exercise helps too. I still don’t use my body enough but I’m slowly getting there.
Medication has ironed out my wavering emotions and I’m comfortable with that.
I took this picture because crazy Tangmo ran beside me as I rode my push bike all the way to Utopia. Crazy dog. He was scared when I sat down because he wasn’t sure where he was. He couldn’t come in and if I came in he would’ve scratched at the door so there was nothing to do except ride him back home and come back for coffee on the motorbike as it was hot and sunny by then.
We invented the Joneses Something to aspire Keep on the treadmill Tweaking on desire
Bold, beautiful and rich A mansion in the hills Chasing after a life Defined by constant thrills
Today I’m feeling:
Yesterday I felt like I was on a bit of a high but today feels the opposite. I can’t quite figure out why. I slept well enough but perhaps not long enough as I ended up back in a deep sleep from 11:30 until 2 pm. Since then I’ve not been enthused about anything and passed an hour or so pulling up weeds.
Today I’m grateful for:
Noey’s coffee. Now she is capable of making a perfect cappuccino for me. I like to think that I contributed to her improvement by always allowing her to make my coffee so that she can get more practice, though in reality there is obviously more to it than that.
The best thing about today was:
It’s almost 6pm and there is nothing of any real highlight except for Noey showing off her belly button with the clothes she was wearing. Or the satisfaction of a square metre of the garden weed free for a week or two. It’s not been a bad day either. Just not much of anything.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve been getting an aching pain in my eyes. Also a vague toothache around my jaw. Maybe I’ve got some sinus problem or perhaps even just a bad tooth that is causing pain elsewhere in my face. It could also just be looking at too many screens. I should probably go get my eyes tested at some point again. I don’t feel like my vision has gotten worse but a new pair of glasses might help.
When I look at my glasses I always see a speck on the left lens from when they dropped on the floor in Kimi’s bathroom not long after I first got them.
Something I learned today?
Watching Little Chinese Everywhere as she(Yan?) travels to Tibet and the second-highest hotel in the world. The highest being in Peru. The scenery in Tibet is quite amazing.
What is a fear that I would like to overcome?
I suppose I still have plenty of fears but not sure I feel the need to overcome them. For example, my fear of spiders is not particularly life-threatening or would be life-changing if I overcame it.
I was chatting with Ellen yesterday and she had just been tandem skydiving in Sichuan province. I’ve thought about doing that before but feel afraid. The fear is not of the height or hitting the ground, the fear is about losing control, fearing fainting or heart attack or something like that.
Still though, it’s not like a fear of skydiving is holding back my dreams in any way.
I took this picture yesterday because I’ve never been on this side of the dam at the university before. The whole university grounds environment is exceptional but doesn’t seem to get much use. It’s too hot or wet most of the time and you need a motorbike to get around. The only thought I did have is that there are many places you could go for a romantic walk, talk or view. I don’t know how much of that happens here though.
A local legend Filled with holes An awesome story Forever told Misquoted memory A dramatic twist A Chinese whisper Adds to the list Was he so high He just stayed on? Slept under stars Friends all gone
Inspired by the story of Grant Hart staying on in the town where Husker Du played their final show for several months after. I read this in The Punk Planet Interviews book.
Today I’m feeling:
My body is tired again. Can’t motivate myself much though I’ll hang from my hoops later and try to stretch out some weariness.
Today I’m grateful for:
The old uncle who waved me forward indicating that the way I was going was the way out. This was after I emerged from a Google glitch that had me deeply embedded in jungle vines and old bamboo, shredding my legs. Thanks, Google. Thanks, uncle.
The best thing about today was:
Having an afternoon nap between 10 and 11 am was odd. It was maybe only twenty minutes long and despite having had two coffees it was deep and refreshing. Almost as if I was prescribed a certain amount of sleep and I just needed to finish it off. Anyway, I knew I would have to try and counter an actual afternoon nap by taking myself off somewhere so I hopped on the bike with the intention to ride up to Mae Chan in the opposite direction that Bruno and I came back through a couple of weeks back (avoiding the police check). From there I wanted to travel through some of the villages near the base of the mountains around there. Lots of nice spots with views and funny little paths off here and there that were fun to explore. All the while riding along the almost dry river there. A fun day out. Tiring and refreshing at the same time.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
At Utopia this morning I had a sudden need to use their tiny bathroom. I could see the floor was wet but didn’t realise how much so until I stood up and my pants were soaked through and I looked like I’d peed myself. There was nothing else I could do about it except walk back out into the shop and past all the staff and customers, all the while trying to explain that the floor was wet in the bathroom. Well, what can you do? Best not to be embarrassed and just keep going. I don’t notice much ribbing of each other between kids about things that were embarrassing to me as a kid. It seems a little more forgiving of uncontrollable embarrassment though of course, I could be missing it due to the language barrier.
What is one new thing I’d like to try?
Is there anything? There are probably many things but there’s nothing much that I think I would go out of my way to try these days. If something came along then I’d try it. Am I running out of things to try? Is nothing exciting anymore?
I took this picture because this just came out of the blue as I came around a corner. It seemed to be by itself but behind the trees and up the hillside were more temple-type buildings.
I’d set my alarm later than usual for 8 am but that still wasn’t enough sleep and when I finally got up an hour later I was still groggy. I did 60 jumping jacks and had a cold shower to wake up and my body feels good though my brain hasn’t quite kicked in yet. A job for coffee.
Today I’m grateful for:
The ten baht soft noodles, the twenty baht watermelon and 75 baht drinks I bought to go with dinner, a super spicy fish soup that sure woke up my face. And despite the morning coffees I never really got going today.
The best thing about today was:
That nothing really mattered too much. I got things done, chatted and prompted some students with their catch-up work etc and also this whilst feeling exhausted and lethargic. Pick it up and start again tomorrow.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Whilst I was sipping my coffee at Utopia I saw the lady from the phone store next door outside and remembered that I should get my phone screen replaced there, to give them my business. I went out and she said she could do it for me. My memory of having the protective screen replaced was that it cost about 100 baht. I was a little surprised when she said it was 250 baht. Has the price gone up that much? Did I remember wrong? Was she taking advantage? I don’t know so I thought of it as a random act of kindness that makes her happy and keeps me happy too.
Something I learned today?
I saw a BBC story about terrible things happening in North Korea. I didn’t watch the content but I’m now wondering if this is further preparation for war with China? The timing seems convenient.
What are some personality traits that I admire in others?
I was thinking that the personality traits I admire in others are not always something I feel comfortable to try and replicate. They are not always suitable for my personality today. If they are admirable then perhaps I can learn to slowly integrate them in my own way. It’s unreasonable to expect to immediately become the kind of person that another is. Also, some traits that I admire may be in people that I dislike for other traits that jar against mine. Separate the trait from the person.
Where did I embody courage?
I’ve been trying to answer this for a couple of days already but don’t feel like I’ve had to embody courage at all recently. Life has been pretty much within my stride for the last couple of years. I’ve embodied courage in my past, for example, when moving countries or going to visit new countries with little information, starting new careers and so on. I’m happy to keep exploring new possibilities but things that might require good chunks of courage are not really on my radar either because my level of fear has been defused or things are beyond my thoughts to attempt these days.
I took this picture because this nice piece of art was in Utopia. I like it.
Can I keep the bullet you gave me When you shot me through the heart? Perhaps one day it will save me To put back together what you ripped apart
Today I’m feeling:
Got up easily but woke up tired. The aircon worked last night and I was scared to make any changes to the settings so I woke up cold a couple of times! By the time of my last class, I was feeling a little dizzy but I made it through well enough and got home to a message from the aircon people that they would come around 5pm. Result! They came and checked it out and will go off to find the price of the part they think needs replacing. They said there were ants inside part of the outside fan. That wouldn’t be surprising but also possibly bullshit. Whatever, I just want working aircon!
Today I’m grateful for:
In my search for food, I bumped into Boss and Safe from Utopia at the walking market and they told me there weren’t many stalls because the university is on a break now. So that’s probably why my fried fish lady has disappeared. I couldn’t find anything there so popped into Lotus’s and was grateful to find a plant-based pork belly microwave meal, buy two get one free. Perfect!
The best thing about today was:
I feel as if I was too busy to have anything that stands out above everything else as the best. I’ve just replayed the day in my mind and everything was fine and dandy and I was happy indeed.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Both my M1 classes were pretty chaotic with many kids sprawling themselves around on the floor like fallen Jenga puzzle pieces. It still strikes me as bizarre the differences in acceptable behaviours in schools in Thailand and England (at least from what I remember). The atmosphere in schools here is kinda nice but Im struggling to see how the kids are actually learning!
Something I learned today?
I watched two separate videos about the war in the Ukraine and both the content and the commentators were totally at odds with each other. One discussed the masses of destroyed tanks in Ukraine’s counter-offensive and the other saw Ukraine prepare to attack on Russian soil. It felt like neither side’s commenters knew about the possibility of there being other narratives and as someone who hasn’t been following too closely, it’s difficult to know what to believe. Maybe that’s the point.
How can I be kinder to myself?
I’m pretty kind to myself already. At 55 I think I’m finally over my angsty teenage phase. I’m just getting started on real adult life.
I took this picture because when a student is not concentrating and looking at their phone I will ask them to hand it over and sometimes take as many pictures as I can with it to fill up their free space and they have to go back and delete all the photos. This was one of about 50 photos I took on Tulip’s phone today. She was a good sport about it even after finding that she actually had run out of space.
Never admit that the gods will win Even if you know it true It’s your dream you’re murdering If such you are admitting to Accept the contradiction So that the greatest art is created It’s a long line of tradition In which the battle is clearly stated Children born with great dreams Eyes turn cold when they learn Nothing is ever what it seems And for that, the heart must yearn The lovers and kings will dance and drink Until they can masquerade no more Because there comes a time to stop and think What was all that dancing for?
I slept so badly last night maybe because I had that nap that left me exhausted but also not helped by the humid air that even with the window open and the fan sucking in air did little to help. Woke up before my alarm and bumbled around before riding my pushbike to Utopia. Still not sure how I feel yet. (Later) I managed to get going and keep going until now, late afternoon, shopping and vacuuming and just now playing guitar and reading but my body is feeling like it will enjoy sleep again. Let’s just hope it is better than last night.
Today I’m grateful for:
Haagen and Mei for getting a very drunk Amy safely home tonight. I don’t like to see Amy like that, it looks like it has gone beyond happiness and towards oblivion. I’ll never ask her to stop drinking because I know she enjoys it so much but I would like her to moderate better. As I’m not drinking these days it is difficult for me to share her feeling and I find myself frustrated. I generally don’t like hanging around people when they have had too much to drink unless I feel compelled to take care of them. Of course, I will take care of Amy and I hope that sometime she will start to feel like me in that the hangovers counter the pleasure to a negative degree.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling better than yesterday though I am wondering if I may be sick with something. Last week there were free covid test kits in the teacher’s room as many people supposedly have had it recently. Also, a couple of my students have looked sick in my classes.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I asked Art to come with me to the aircon repair shop next door to Utopia and see if he could convince them to come and fix mine. This time the lady said that the mechanic was too busy. So it seems like he’s not sick anymore. Well, too bad for them. They did mention another aircon shop and Art sent little Art out to see if they could help but he soon came back and said that they close on Sundays. I really appreciate all the help they gave me and makes me feel that I have at least some friendly local acquaintances here. I will drop by that shop tomorrow afternoon and see if they can help me. I’d like to get it fixed before Amy comes back which we realised is only 4 weeks away now!
Something I learned today?
I watched a video of a mosh-style hardcore band (Speed) touring South East Asia and it reminded me of the documentary I took part in about ten years ago. Watching the reactions of the band members to the quirks of South East Asian life and the enthusiasm took me back to my own experiences and made me miss Kimi and the thought that I will find it hard to travel there again without him being around. Writing this also reminded me to contact Asikin, Kimi’s widow, which I just did.
How can I improve this moment?
Damn, I’m in bed, about to do some Thai study and a bit of reading before sleeping. The aircon seems to be working again (fan only) and I’m prepared for a good sleep. This moment may only be improved by actually being asleep. I will try to improve with some positive reflections to take into my dreams.
I took this picture because a couple of these mushrooms suddenly appeared overnight. No idea if they are edible and I’m not going to try.
These Indians red took the word Of these well-dressed men of cloth But soon lines were drawn and blurred And the taking was never enough One man whispers truths to be bent And conquered all within his path Claiming their gifts were heaven sent And the pious enjoyed the last laugh On and on the conquerors strode Until the world fell to its knees So as the words further flowed They would see the world less pleased Promises broken along with trust Would see anyone’s station fall So rises the river as needs must To flood the lowest of them all
Today I’m feeling:
A little tired again but enjoyed a Saturday sleep-in. I was a little relieved that Matt hadn’t replied to my message about going over so that I can relax at home. At Utopia, Noey was working so it’s nice to see a pretty face and as Art was off doing coffee stuff, she and the boys, Gong and little Art, were enjoying a little freedom at work. After a haircut, I rode to the 20 baht shop to get some batteries and rode by the grilled pork stall on the corner. I’d previously seen a girl there wearing a CRPAO shortcut but didn’t recognise them. Today though the girl working waved and smiled a big smile at me. It was my student AumAim. I stopped and chatted a little with her and her mum, telling her that she was a good student, which is true. They live in the soi along from me. In the afternoon I ran out of energy again and woke up feeling shit after a nap.
Today I’m grateful for:
Realising I had potatoes in the fridge, which I then baked, covered with butter, cheese and a little onion, salt and pepper. I’m wondering if this is what made me feel tired though?
The best thing about today was:
Definitely the morning. I felt good, my mood was good and I got things done.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I was planning on getting Art to come with me to the air conditioning shop to convince their mechanic to come and fix mine but when I got there they told me he’d gone into the city. Maybe I’ll catch him tomorrow. Either way, the temperature is a little cooler now and a fan or two is ok to sleep with.
Something I learned today?
US media is claiming China is racist for not going to see the new Disney movie because the lead actor is black, discounting the fact that the top-selling movie in China is the latest Spiderman which also has a black lead. Anything for a China Bad story, it’s ridiculous.
What was the most interesting thing I saw or heard today?
Amy’s student from a couple of years ago, Na, will go to the university near us and Amy said she will ask her to house/cat sit for us when we need. Great idea! She’s got common sense and is respectful. I guess my day wasn’t particularly interesting but this possibility could give us a little extra freedom to travel when want.
How did I embody a beginner’s mind?
I remind myself that I know a lot of things and that amount to a fraction of all the things that are known. When I’m teaching in class I’m reminded by my students that we all share a beginner’s mind and that we should never be complacent that we know everything.
I took this picture because I have to get my ginger cat fix from the hairdresser’s cat now. I think she said its name is Hoi Tod, Fried Clam!
1994ever 