On Repeat – 14th November 2023

The breeze blows through the open door
-Outside whipping the trees
–A glass of cold water waits
—It is happiness pure and plain
—-Mr Piano Man plays a song for me
—-I’ve nowhere else to be
—Using words to explain
–That the world demonstrates
-It will do as it may please
The breeze blows through once more

1st Apr 2024 – Submitted to MVB-PROMPT


Today I’m feeling:

Dizzy. Not unhappy or down just bothered by feeling sick. I ended up coming home after my first class as I was getting dizzier. I sent some instructions to my other two classes to complete some work for me this afternoon. I wonder if they will do it!

Today I’m grateful for:

Medicine that is helping my body fight this flu. David was telling me he thought he was getting sick but didn’t take any medicine just using natural remedies instead. Which is fine but everything is chemicals and the virus is natural too.

The best thing about today was:

Starting to feel better by late afternoon, at least until I move too fast. Then I feel dizzy again. I ended up doing a lot of Thai study today, getting back into the ThaiPod101.com learning. I’m considering paying for it again and pushing myself.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

When I got home I got into bed and setup with my laptop. Cap was scratching at the door so I decided to let him in for a change. But within a second of jumping on my bed he started peeing and when I smacked him he jumped over to Amy’s and started peeing there. Motherfucker! I quickly grabbed up everything and shoved it into the washing machine. So much for getting some rest. I’m in the living room now and maybe I’ll nap a little.

Something I learned today?

According to newly declassified documents, in 1992 the US government laid out plans for Asia never to be allowed to be ruled over by an Asian country. It must always remain under US control.

When was the last time I cried?

A lot of tears were shed immediately after Kim’s passing and still now when I think of her my eyes get wet, even as I’m writing this.

When do I feel most calm?

When I’m alone.

I took this picture because Baitong came good on her promise to paint me a picture from her imagination. Amy was impressed and wondered if she could pay her to paint a picture of our cats.

Give Me The Shot – 25th January 2023

A rose-tinted bubble of positive illusions
Given by all as if a truth foretold
Could not prepare anyone for all the confusions
Reality brings forth as contradictions take hold

the first line is taken from Affluenza by Oliver James and the title relates to the vaccines offered for the virus of affluenza


Today I’m feeling:

Sick with a head cold. I had felt it coming on for the last couple of days but couldn’t fight it off anymore.

Today I’m grateful for:

There not being any real need for me to be at school as it is still sports day. I’m glad I could sleep in and rest more.

The best thing about today was:

A three-hour afternoon nap, knocked out by medicine for a runny nose and cough. I hope it knocks me out again tonight.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My cough is out of my control and made worse by the pain in my ribs. I think I will go to the hospital on Saturday just to get them checked.

Something I learned today?

I learned a little about the gell-mann amnesia effect which relates to confirmation bias when it comes to reading media ‘news’.

What new creative project or hobby would I like to start this year?

The one I wanted to start last year of making music in Ableton. I’m so tied up with getting my past into the blog that I don’t feel compelled to spend time on it yet though. Anyway, I’m happy either way.

I took this picture because it was hard to miss this monster on our terrace. Amy would’ve screamed if she’d seen it. She gets a very bad rash from even the hairs of these floating in the air.

Poems on this day – 17th June 2021

Twelve

Take me to the twelve
The leaders of the show
From up on your mountain
Looking down on all below
In awe of your majesty
All the fighting has been done
Time to make some toys
Now the battle has been won
Something still was missing
All the goals had been achieved
The minions needed order
And something to be believed
Here we are many eons later
Mistakes still being made
Fighting amongst each other
Our peace has been delayed
On our way underground
Discovering truth much too late
Wishing for eternal youth
For which we’d always wait
Wisdom came and found us
It was always oh, so near
Take it to the after life
Because you can’t have it here
Sailing down the winding river
Darkness is descending
Say goodbye to all you know
This is your life ending

Currently reading Stephen Fry’s ‘Mythos’ – it’s intriguing that the tales of Gods captivate us in some way despite knowing that it isn’t real. Are we even looking at them and laughing at these old stories to describe our existence? I laugh at many religious beliefs because they are nonsensical and I wouldn’t even really bother to read them and whilst I’m enjoying reading this book and these stories – what to make of it?

Gift

You got a gift, virus infection
Breathe it out, in every direction
No one knows until inspection
No one safe until injection

Students came back to school on Monday, by Friday the school was closed again as there was a case of Covid (more on this at some point in the future) and they are still making the teachers come to school to teach online! Something that we can easily do from home. Thailand – I despair, sometimes.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the regular visits from Tangmo, our neighbour’s dog. When he comes to play with me it distracts me a little from my own mini-stress of things I plan to do for myself and gives me a few minutes of fun and laughter. Tangmo is a disobedient, stupid dog but he’s full of love.

I like to relax on my bed of nails, that’s one thing that almost never fails – 29th July 2020

Nothing stays the same, though we always try and force it. Is this the start of the pandemic era as some people are predicting? What is the ‘new normal’ and is it really any different to before?

I feel very lucky. After leaving the UK in 1994 my life, on reflection, has been a lucky and happy rollercoaster ride. Even the bottoms of the ride felt survivable, perhaps because at least there wasn’t a cold grey rain spitting in my face. Perhaps there were occasions where it didn’t feel survivable at that moment, but luckily I did, and so I have the possibility to reflect.

My journey is my own and my pronouncements can only be based on that experience, my judgements for myself, so take them with a pinch of salt. I did bad things, good things, stupid things, smart things. I see others doing the same. Who am I to judge?

I have definitely changed over the last 6 months and I’m not sure why. Or I should say, I’m not sure specifically why. I have implemented lots of minor habit changes and behaviour modifications and perhaps it is an accumulation of minor positive changes that have made the difference. So I can’t put it down to meditating, exercising or journalling specifically.

I decided to get up 45 minutes earlier than I need to in order to get to work. In that time I follow a flexible routine. I keep it flexible because I shouldn’t punish myself for not following it consistently.

First I use my exercise bands to help open up my shoulders and stretch my calves. Probably only a couple of minutes total. Next, I spend 5 to 10 minutes doing tests on my language apps (Drops and Mondly) – the aim is to break my current daily streak, learn some new words, possibly remember those words and reinforce this habit. The idea behind this is to create a sense of achievement as soon as possible in the morning and this sets you up for the rest of the day.

Next, I lay on the floor and stretch out my back, neck and hamstrings. A warm-up stretch more than anything, no more than a couple of minutes again. Just brushing off the tightness left over from sleep.

Then I use an app called Home Workout and all I do is the 5-minute morning warm-up exercise, 10 exercises to get your body moving and your heart rate raised just slightly. I may move onto harder exercise routines later but I’m not in any hurry. I follow this with 30 squats and 20 tip-toe stretches (I have real problems with my feet).

If there is time, I write some ‘morning pages’ – whatever thoughts are piling through my head, though I’ve found that usually I don’t write much because I am sitting ‘trying’ to think of things to write. I often try to recall my dreams at this point. Whatever, it’s not a journal, it’s barely legible, it’s spat out quickly and forgotten – not really meant to be read again in the future. This habit is 2-5 minutes max.

Finally, I’ll meditate (this is when my brain suddenly starts coming up with the random thoughts!). I use the Smiling Mind app which has plenty of free meditations and I don’t know if I often get into a real meditative state but I want to do it just for practice. Doing it over and over again puts smaller chunks of information into my brain that I can utilise during the day, when not meditating as such. In this way, it is a success. Perhaps it has taught me to just pause sometimes before opening my mouth. Taking a deep breath before heading into a difficult class.

I usually meditate between 5 and 10 minutes and mostly they are guided meditations. Once there gets to be longer periods of silence I still struggle with keeping focus on breath or letting go of thoughts, but that’s the reason to practice, right? I also have been laying on a spiky massage mat whilst doing this and that has been great. Much like a bed of nails. It makes me wonder why I like it? Do I like discomfort, do I find comfort in pain? Do I feel some sense of achievement to be able to survive it? I don’t know if there is any scientific study around physiological benefits of this type of thing but I just know that I like it!

Finally, a shower and breakfast and it’s off to work. Following this routine 5 days a week seems to be having a positive effect on my happiness and calm. I wouldn’t put it down to any one of the habits specifically or even them all together. Sometimes it can just be the action, the doing, that provides the benefit. For years I’ve implored friends to just ‘Do Something’ usually for a larger cause. Now I’m starting to understand that whilst I was doing something for a larger cause it also had the side effect of benefitting myself.

I was going to write about how the Covid-19 virus has affected my life teaching at school and what the ‘new normal’ of that looks like. Fortunately for me, it has meant lots of free time, drinking coffee in the morning, sitting by the river. This situation won’t last forever. I won’t last forever. I enjoy it whilst I can.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my energy and enthusiasm. When Dylan called in sick today I was ready to go teach for him.

The pleasures of the sight, the pleasures of the flesh, the vanities of life – 14th April 2020

“A hundred billion people who came before us, over ten thousand generations and everything they did for us, to build up our world…if we were to go extinct, through our own actions, or lack of doing anything about it, we would be the worst of those ten thousand generations.”

Tony Ord from the Ezra Klien podcast

I’ve gotten into the habit of listening to podcasts before I go to sleep (after reading comics and books before I go to sleep….it seems like I just don’t want to sleep!). The quote above, right from the very beginning of the podcast, shook me awake.

The podcast goes on to talk about real existential threats to our world and when I say our world, I really only mean the human world. Outside threats such as asteroids are very unlikely to be the cause. Internal threats such as nuclear war and pandemics are the most likely. Humans are the pox on this earth but we can redeem ourselves.

Each morning I receive an email with a quote and a writing prompt and I attempt to put down a few words of thought. The prompts are sometimes too thought-provoking, requiring too much time for me to consider (though consider them I should). This morning I got this:

Don’t go on discussing what a good person should be. Just be one.

Marcus Aurelius

Prompt
You are but one animal among trillions. Let the trivial fall away. Focus on the important.

My response:
I was thinking about this yesterday after a collection of different and varying inputs – watching a documentary about prostitutes struggling with drugs and taking care of a pet, watching cat videos, listening to podcasts about human extinction and reading Sufi tales with talking animals.  
Why do humans think they are more important than other animals?  
We will destroy ourselves.  So, focus on the important?  Decide what is important.

And, in the face of everything, this is a big question. If nuclear wars and pandemics are the most likely causes of the end of human existence – this feels like it must be important then.

Some will shrug their shoulders and give up, often promoting their view as a good thing. Others will sincerely do their best to encourage action from everyone and anyone. The worst will be those taking advantage of the situation to enrich their own lives.

I’m still thinking about and searching for the answer.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for a big rain. No need to water our garden today!

To-do list

  • Keep tracking down digital files on Soulseek ✅
  • Write another lesson
  • More 1994ever entries ✅
  • New blog entry (use an email for inspiration) ✅
  • More drawing?

Fairly well motivated today – could still spend less time watching TV and get out to my room before lunchtime but that’s OK. Not really much of anything else to report today.

Oh, last night it rained (after a big storm in the afternoon) and Amy woke me up (out of a wonderful sleep) at about 2am because our power was off. I realised that it was probably because the connectore box outside was exposed and water got on the electricity cables. I covered it as best I could, stood there in my underpants, ants crawling for cover too.

We turned the power back on and it stayed and I fell back into bed. So, this afternoon I savoured a snooze in front of the TV listened to a talk about Ram Dass.

We start out loudly and go in circles, all things converging, we find an end to each day – 11th April 2020

High in the North in a land called Svithjod there is a mountain. It is a hundred miles long and a hundred miles high and once every thousand years a little bird comes to this mountain to sharpen its beak. When the mountain has thus been worn away a single day of eternity will have passed

Hendrik Willem Van Loon, The Story of Mankind

That little bird is our lives. Dwarfed by the magnificence of time.

We are small and insignificant. Not individual, not a group, nor a race. Not a society, a species or a thought from God. We are nothing.

The dinosaurs, the mammoths, the pharaohs, the sultans and kings, the inventors, the thinkers and philosophers, the builders, the masters and slaves, the writers, the historians, the celebrities, the murderers, the saints and the despots. You and me. Nothing.

What will you do with this information?

Our floating houses on molten granite
Our liquid planet, it is a home for us all
I’m firmly planted, my earth is solid
I feel a presence but there is nothing at all
I wanted something, down here is something
It’s really something but there is nothing at all

‘Slowly Melting’ by Nomeansno

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #34

Music from Tipographica, Keukhot, Chui Wan, 400 Blows, Lifter Puller, Mazaj, Geronimo, Unknown, Pell Mell, Opal, Child Bite and Debile Menthol.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the space we have in our house and garden. We can move furniture around and reinvent ourselves, change our views.

To-do list

  • Talk to George ✅
  • Record TCRAH
  • One more lesson plan
  • Record more 1994ever for blog ✅
  • Write a short blog post ✅

Almost didn’t make it out to my room but somehow managed to motivate myself. I am slowly completing things, whether it is sorting out bits and pieces from my past, things I’d intended to do for a long time, reading books, watching movies and TV series, sorting out my CDs etc. So at least I have a sense of achievement.

I’m reminded of when I was about 10 or 11 years old and used to ‘race’ my Matchbox car collection and keep tables of which was fastest and kept all sorts of statistics about them. I was already organising my mind, putting things in order, sleeping everything straight.

I can pinpoint other instances of this at various times during my youth actually. Looking through old diaries has triggered some deep recollections which is interesting. I’m testing myself to see what else is hidden away in there.

Just enough light filters in – 13th March 2020

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our purifier, giving us cleaner air to breathe.

13th Mar 2023 – Still in use and still necessary, unfortunately. As Amy says, we can’t get everything. I just hope that this poisoned air doesn’t kill me.

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.

Gloria Steinem

To-do list

  • Record another TCRAH
  • Revise WOOT video
  • Continue drawing Chinese picture
  • Clear email and close tabs ✅
  • Sort more CDs ½

Time disappeared today – it seems to be fluid. I guess I read a lot and watched a lot of YouTube or TV but before knowing anything it was 7 pm.

I did try to sit and concentrate on some things but there is an overall feeling of dread – not just with the virus but also with the air quality. It’s starting to make me feel sick much like last year. Constant headache. It’s not helped that having to stay home means lots of sitting around or lying down so my body is feeling tired and unused.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #27 – 1st March 2020

Music from The Cavedwellers, Circus Brekovic, Deerhoof, Descendents, Gregory Isaacs, The Milkshakes, Queen, Didjits, Octafish, Elvis Costello, Emporer Yes, Althea and Donna, The Soul Owners, White Blacula and This Heat.

Weight: 79.0kg
Resting heart rate: 48

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for being able to sit on this plane. To be able to afford to visit my friends. And for having a home to return to.

To-do list

  • Meditate on the plane – reflect on these days ✅
  • Please try to stay calm when back ✅
  • Wear mask all day ✅
  • Finish reading book ✅
  • Take some photos

It’s Tuesday as I write. Getting back was equally emotional and equally flat. I felt numb. Amy is angry at the inconvenience that my trip has now caused us. She’s not so much upset with me as upset with the situation.

I drank a couple of whiskies and fell into a deep 12-hour-long sleep. I got up for lunch and fell back asleep again for the afternoon, got up for dinner and then went back to sleep around 9 pm.

Now it’s Tuesday morning and everything still feels flat. The situation with the virus is looking increasingly likely to postpone the WDS tour which meaning losing all the money on our flights in South East Asia. That’s the situation now and what we have to deal with.

Amy and I are stuck at home for another 12 days. I don’t anticipate any illness from the virus so we just have to wait and carry on as best we can.