Echo Chamber – 9th July 2023

The walls may be far away
But as words reverberate uninterrupted
The room collapses around my ears
Til their meaning becomes corrupted


Today I’m feeling:

I didn’t know how I felt this morning but by the afternoon I didn’t feel good. I feel sick without having any symptoms. I have low energy and motivation which seems to be a theme on weekends. I know I’m a little down after thinking about how Amy may not settle down here again but I feel like there’s something else going on. Dodgy guts aren’t helping things either.

Today I’m grateful for:

All the people who make things happen in order for me to order cat food from my phone and have it delivered to my house a couple of days later. As I was unpacking it I consider what a technological marvel this is that those born this century will take for granted. The global supply chain should be celebrated and not used for political machinations. It’s a great example of humans working together. It reminds me of the Bill Hicks line, if we can shoot rockets from far away and have them fly into specific windows to kill supposed terrorists, why can’t we use that technology to shoot food into hungry people’s mouths? Indeed.

The best thing about today was:

Unmotivated days like today don’t provide any high points but I did get a little satisfaction from pulling out weeds around the cactuses. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

One thing that may be affecting my mood is that last night as I was contemplating going to bed I saw a transaction come through for 4000 baht which was for my podcast hosting that I had planned to cancel by sending myself a reminder last month. The reminder didn’t work. I cancelled the account immediately but don’t get refunded anything. An expensive lesson. At least it didn’t happen at the end of the last month and fuck up my bank account for my visa. So I’m trying to spin it as a good thing though it’s not quite working I must admit.

Something I learned today?

I just went out to shut the gate and could see the shadow of a cat under the car so went to see who it was. It wasn’t our boys because they were both inside eating. As I bent down to look underneath I saw it climb up into the engine area and disappear! I always thought the engine was completely shielded from the ground but apparently not. I went inside to get the torch and key. I couldn’t see any obvious animal-looking thing inside and I started the engine to scare it out though maybe it had already decided to dash off before that. I wonder if it was the cat I saw this morning and if I had actually brought it home from somewhere! Seems unlikely but I hope my car doesn’t become an unsuspecting cat taxi.

What’s unique about where I live?

The unique thing about where I live is me.  I’m the odd one out. This is quiet jungle village life in a non-English-speaking tropical country and there’s a wild-haired white-skinned punk here. This nail has not been hammered down yet.

I took this picture because I had just let Tigger out the back door and remembered that Tangmo might still be at the front door so I went to check and found this visitor instead. She ran away in Tigger’s direction which wasn’t the wisest choice but she soon figured out an escape. She looked healthy and had beautiful swirling colour whilst slinking away. Never seen her before.

Aspirations – 2nd July 2023

We invented the Joneses
Something to aspire
Keep on the treadmill
Tweaking on desire

Bold, beautiful and rich
A mansion in the hills
Chasing after a life
Defined by constant thrills


Today I’m feeling:

Yesterday I felt like I was on a bit of a high but today feels the opposite. I can’t quite figure out why. I slept well enough but perhaps not long enough as I ended up back in a deep sleep from 11:30 until 2 pm. Since then I’ve not been enthused about anything and passed an hour or so pulling up weeds.

Today I’m grateful for:

Noey’s coffee. Now she is capable of making a perfect cappuccino for me. I like to think that I contributed to her improvement by always allowing her to make my coffee so that she can get more practice, though in reality there is obviously more to it than that.

The best thing about today was:

It’s almost 6pm and there is nothing of any real highlight except for Noey showing off her belly button with the clothes she was wearing. Or the satisfaction of a square metre of the garden weed free for a week or two. It’s not been a bad day either. Just not much of anything.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been getting an aching pain in my eyes. Also a vague toothache around my jaw. Maybe I’ve got some sinus problem or perhaps even just a bad tooth that is causing pain elsewhere in my face. It could also just be looking at too many screens. I should probably go get my eyes tested at some point again. I don’t feel like my vision has gotten worse but a new pair of glasses might help. 

When I look at my glasses I always see a speck on the left lens from when they dropped on the floor in Kimi’s bathroom not long after I first got them. 

Something I learned today?

Watching Little Chinese Everywhere as she(Yan?) travels to Tibet and the second-highest hotel in the world. The highest being in Peru. The scenery in Tibet is quite amazing.

What is a fear that I would like to overcome?

I suppose I still have plenty of fears but not sure I feel the need to overcome them. For example, my fear of spiders is not particularly life-threatening or would be life-changing if I overcame it.

I was chatting with Ellen yesterday and she had just been tandem skydiving in Sichuan province. I’ve thought about doing that before but feel afraid. The fear is not of the height or hitting the ground, the fear is about losing control, fearing fainting or heart attack or something like that.

Still though, it’s not like a fear of skydiving is holding back my dreams in any way.

I took this picture yesterday because I’ve never been on this side of the dam at the university before. The whole university grounds environment is exceptional but doesn’t seem to get much use. It’s too hot or wet most of the time and you need a motorbike to get around. The only thought I did have is that there are many places you could go for a romantic walk, talk or view. I don’t know how much of that happens here though.

In The Palm Of Our Hands – 1st July 2023

An ugly glamour
The softest skin
To the world unwise
Set to begin
Eyes forever west
Where the age awaits
Flowers first bloom
Mark those dates
Love unknown
Imagined, anticipated
Promises broken
Soon tortured and hated
In the cemeteries
Lives long since lived
The sands of time
Slowly being sieved

inspired and morphed from text at the Spinning Visions blog


Today I’m feeling:

Woke up in a rush as I misinterpreted my alarm settings and only had ten minutes to get up and go to meet Bruno for coffee at Utopia before exploring around the grounds of the university. It was a good way to kickstart the day. I’m flagging a little now at 5 pm but will keep going with some guitar practice.

Today I’m grateful for:

The mimosa and cardamon candle that is burning and making the room smell nice. I was able to buy it online and get it delivered quickly to my humble little home in this tiny village in the jungle hills of Thailand. My ten-year-old self, my twenty-year-old self and even my thirty-year-old self would not have anticipated the possibility of me happily laying in this room at this time. Well done me.

The best thing about today was:

Going on a discovery bike ride around parts of the university that I haven’t seen before. The site is huge and the campus buildings only take up about a tenth of it. We even biked through Wanasom Wellness Center which looks like it was once a nice place but looked run down and dejected though there were a couple of people about but they didn’t seem to be doing anything.
So many fancy buildings are put up and then fall into disrepair due to lack of use. I’ve seen some nice homes overgrown and dirty in what I can only guess were once family homes that perhaps folks moved away or died and were just unable to sell. I think that is likely to happen to our home in the end.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing comes to mind today to except the frustration of the Swans v Geelong game ending up a draw. It’s looking doubtful that the Swans will make finals this year and if Geelong don’t make it too it will be the first time ever that both last year’s grand finalists don’t make the right in the year following.

Something I learned today?

I learned a little from Bruno about the weeds in my garden. He was shaking his head at the great variety that our poor soil supports.

What would I like to accomplish this month?

Maybe I should set some targets. The aircon should get fixed. I’d like to start working on a solution to the guttering problem in the garage too. Bruno says to try Mega Home in Bandu. I should go and just get an idea of the cost and possibilities at least. I guess I can include my visa renewal too as Amy will be back here soon to help with that.

I took this picture because Bruno and I came across this family when we were exploring the university’s botanical gardens.

We got that attitude! – 5th June 2021

I am so happy and grateful for the spiky weeds in the garden that get me obsessively pulling them out and scratching my hands to pieces. It’s a never-ending task that for some strange reason seems to give me some pleasure.

19th June 2023 – I haven’t been pulling these weeds so much this year. Since March it’s been too hot and without rain, they tend not to grow so much. The never-ending task reminds me of the story in The Sandman of the punishment John Dee gives to Alex Burgess of having to count every grain of sand on a beach.

Well, I’m standing here what do I see? A big nothing, threatening me – 12th-16th March 2018

Back with the ants.  Life seems to be involving them in one way or another as each day passes.  I guess we gotta share this place.

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Another visitor we will be sharing time with.

One dinner time, as Amy was preparing some fabulous dish that I forget now as it’s not really relevant to this story, she told me to serve myself and heat up some rice from the fridge.  I grabbed the container and a plate and went to the table, plied the lid off and saw little black dots on the rice which looked like it may have been mould.  I decided to wait.  In Amy’s parent’s house, copious amounts of rice are made daily, whether it’s used or not, some kept out, some in the fridge and a fresh lot in the rice cooker.

I called out to Amy and said there was ‘black stuff’ in the rice.  She asked if it was mould, and I said maybe or maybe ant eggs.  She came to have a look and declared it was just tiny ants.  That’s ok then.  I picked around the black bits as best I could.  Amy estimates she would have probably eaten well over 10,000 ants by accident in her lifetime.

The following night Amy’s dad offered me a dish of red ant eggs with veggies to which I declined.  I also spied the tub of rice from the fridge and noticed that one of the tiny ants in there was still moving.  I bet those things can live all the way through your body.

The ants are everywhere in Amy’s parent’s house, anywhere where some form of food can be found, though not sure what’s in the bathroom that entices them, maybe flecks of toothpaste and dead skin.  I’m wondering how we can keep them out of our house.

Which leads me to the second ant story.  As I was watering the garden I’ve been pulling out weeds, loosening the ground with water so I can pull up as much of the roots as possible.  I find this strangely satisfying.  I’ve been careful to look out for snakes and other little beasties and then I came across an ant’s nest, less than ten feet from our kitchen.

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The ants were possibly disturbed by my watering but were running around in a bit of a tizzy, some of the carrying stuff that I couldn’t quite make out.  I went and told Amy about the nest and she didn’t think much of it at the time saying if we need to we can get rid of them with ‘chemicals’.

So I went back to watering and weeding, noticing that the ant action had died down mostly, with just a few scattered wanderers scurrying about.  That was when I felt an almighty sting on my finger as I was pulling up a weed.  I let go of the weed and pulled up my hand to find one of these little bastards attached to my finger.  I quickly brushed it off as the pain intensified and I wondered if I needed to go to the hospital or something serious like that.

I pissed and moaned for a bit and carried on watering and after a while, the pain subsided.  It did make me think though that if a bunch of these ants had decided to climb up inside my shirt or shoes, that would be something a little more worrying and potentially dangerous.

Later, Amy saw a picture I took of the ants and proclaimed ‘Oh those ones are nasty – we need to get rid of them’.  We’re looking for ‘chemicals’ now.

PS – the feature picture isn’t connected to this post.  It was taken when I managed to duck out from Amy’s parent’s house on my pushbike.  I enjoy just riding around the small sois (streets) nearby and getting lost before finding my way again.

12th Mar 2023 – How cautious I was at the time, still not knowing what was dangerous or not. Now, ants and lizards, in and around the house, are just normal. We never did get any chemicals.

It’s on a whim; it’s on a dare, To shrug away what we can’t bear – 6th-11th March 2018

Another busy week of back and forth.  I’m slowly getting into the rhythm of the hours and the days.  A weekly rhythm is illusive still but that’s fine, most days I have no idea what day it is.  It’s a big change from sitting around in an air-conditioned office, staring at a screen for 12 hours at a time, though I do spend a bit of more time looking at my phone these days.

One time last week Amy came to me laughing after having talked with the electrician at our house.  Apparently, he had heard, from someone around in the village, that I was a professional football player from Australia!  I can guess that this came from the village store where I’d been a total of once at that time.

I trekked up there again to buy beer for our workers after one long day where I did a lot of back-breaking weeding.  There’ll be more of that to come for sure, barely scratched the surface.  Anyway, I managed to convey that I needed 12 cold beers and that they were all for Amy, whilst I was just having a yoghurt drink.  They complimented me on the house and then said how hot the weather was.  Well, it’s small talk but I’m getting there slowly when I’m allowed off my leash.  I wonder what gossip that visit generated as I trudged in in my boots and sweat-ridden clothes.  We shall see.

Talking about being let off the leash, whilst I’ve been happily driving around in Amy’s mum’s car, or dad’s truck, I was granted permission to ride the motorcycle.  Usually just at night when it’s quieter and we never go too far anyway.  Amy had been riding with me on the back and I think she was finding it hard to control with the extra weight, better to let me ride instead.

I think she almost changed her mind on the first few runs though.  The motorcycle is somewhat dilapidated and the front brake doesn’t work at all.  It took me a while to master the gear changes, whilst also using the gears to brake half the time.  I decided we’ll get an automatic bike when we get round to getting our own.  Much simpler.  I need simple these days.

Tigger
Sometimes, Tigger is chill. Sometimes.

The weather has been pretty good as far as I’m concerned.  Even on the hot days, it wasn’t too much of a bother but I know it will get much more sticky and hot next month.  The evenings, as the sun is setting, are perfect.  We rode out to the old airport where folks young and old walk, run and ride up and down the runway, to get a bit of exercise in.  Has to wrap up before the sun disappears though as there is no other light there at all.  A few vendors have figured it’s a good place to make some money on water and various other drinks.

We walked past a group of about 30 teenage boys playing football, shirts vs skins, and I watched them for a bit, noticing the topless fat boy at the nearest corner.  A few seconds later the ball came his way with a long floating kick from midfield.  This was his chance for glory.  But he had his back to the ball and facing towards us.  His team all screamed at him, ‘Fatty, wake up and stop checking out the farang’s wife’, talking about Amy.  Everyone laughed and we kept on strolling.

We met up with Goi, one of Amy’s old school friends, as we were walking and they chatted whilst I called up my cousin Sharon to see how she’s doing back in England, now that things are not quite so frantic with her looking after my mum.  She asked if I felt bereaved and I said I didn’t really, things have just been too busy to even think about it too deeply, though I was always reminded of mum whenever I took photos of unusual plants and flowers.  Sharon said to send them to her instead which I had planned to do anyway.

Later, when Amy and I were having dinner, she told me about Goi’s life and her worries about health, money and the future.  Similar to another friend who is also raising a child, around 8 or so years old each.  We are sympathetic to their situations as they ask about ours and why we don’t want kids.  For us, the answer is obvious, we don’t want to have the same worries and concerns that they are now having.  For some reason, it doesn’t make sense to them.

After the football incident, we are also constantly discussing the fact that some people around they city stare at us – a lot!  We can understand people’s curiosity but some people literally gawp, mouth wide and follow us as we walk past.  Foreigners are not that uncommon around town or even out in the countryside these days and we think maybe it’s because Amy doesn’t look like the traditional Thai girl a lot of foreigners seem to go for.  I decided that next time it happens I will softly say in Thai, ‘Excuse me, what is it that you are staring at?’  The only downfall to this plan is that if they answer, I probably won’t be able to understand.

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Whilst our garden is a constant battle against weeds, our next challenge will be the constant battle against insects, particularly, ants.  Ants are everywhere in Amy’s parent’s house.  Whatever is built they will find a way in.  I don’t have anything against ants, as far as I know, none of them are dangerous, the thing that freaks me out with them is that sometimes, in low light and I’m not wearing my glasses, it looks like the walls or floor are moving and I’m reminded of tripping on mushroom tea.  And it makes me want mushroom tea!  The ants and the weeds will take over this world.  They are unstoppable.  We planted 5 small Jacaranda trees this week.  Fingers crossed they take root, survive and maybe in a few years time even flower.