The year went by again Once around the sun And everything remained the same With the exception of one
In this world of déjà vu Everything has all been done The only difference is you You’re the exception
Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and lazy. I seem to have fallen right into the holiday mood. After coffee this morning, where Boss made an appearance and I was able to wish him well for his business adventure, I watched football until lunchtime and then after lunch played Fallout 4 until it was time to leave for New Year’s Eve dinner at Amy’s parents.
Today I’m grateful for:
The Mini Big C at the Caltex on the way to dinner, where I ran in, in need of a snack due to dizziness and picked up a sushi triangle, a banana and a Snickers, all reduced in price so it only cost me 34 baht.
The best thing about today was:
Playing Fallout 4 without worrying about wasting time. It’s a very enjoyable distraction that I don’t usually treat myself to. I still have lots of old games from years ago that I haven’t tried to play yet. I figure there might be time…
Something I learned today?
‘Unconfirmed’ reports indicate that lots of weapons found in Gaza are Chinese. Well, how convenient! Twenty-twenty-four, or Twenty-twenty-war? Zoom.
I feel some consolation that fewer people are falling for Western propaganda these days.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Designated driver tonight.
I helped lay the table as others prepared food. Everyone understands my capabilities!
I took this picture because Cap came and sat on my T-shirt whilst I was playing Xbox. We looked everywhere for Tigger this afternoon and he had managed to sneak into the walk-in wardrobe and curl up in a box.
Perhaps I was a president Making difficult decisions A surgeon with a scalpel Making precise incisions Maybe I was a singer Adored by many millions Or a famous architect Designing high pavillions
I used to be somebody And now that I’m not I’m just another nobody That everyone forgot
Today I’m feeling:
Lazy and relaxed today. Still a little numb from the whisky on Thursday but not bothered by the lethargy it has induced today as I was yesterday. I thought that I might read and play guitar today but have managed to do neither.
Today I’m grateful for:
Boss at Utopia for making me my final coffees that he will make for me as this is his last day before he leaves for Lampang to start his own shop.
The best thing about today was:
Enjoying playing games on Xbox and though being aware of it wasting time it felt like a reasonable trade-off today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
There is some family drama going on that I won’t go into detail about here but it may make our New Year’s Eve at Mum’s a little awkward depending on who is there. A culmination of events and bad timing have brought about this drama which feels to me somewhat typically Thai. Amy and I are both on the same page and we are pretty much just bystanders wondering how things will unfold.
Something I learned today?
Thailand is looking to fast-track the high-speed rail from Laos to Bangkok, as well as the land bridge between the Andaman and Indian oceans. The USA is very unhappy with China’s involvement in these projects and will obviously try to disrupt them through one means or another.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I waited around for a few minutes to wish Boss at Utopia all the best for the future but he was in the toilet for so long that I decided to leave, with the thought that I might return later in the day but unfortunately, I didn’t. Was this a good deed that turned vile?
I took this picture on Wednesday because this kitty, as with all little Thai gingers, reminded me of Kim. This was about as close as I could get though as it was too shy to get closer.
Why is the way the way it is? Blue corner white, red corner black The fighting cocks duke it out With their Gods at their back
All the knowledge the child digests Unquestioned and never put to test Makes the world the way it is And unlikely to ever be at rest
Today I’m feeling:
Lazy and a little uninspired. Last night Amy went to stay at her mum’s and it was cold enough to enjoy a whisky and I ended up finishing off what was left of the two bottles here. I didn’t feel too drunk but also didn’t feel great this morning either. The pleasure wasn’t worth it.
Today I’m grateful for:
The TV and Xbox for keeping my sore brain busy today.
The best thing about today was:
Lard Na for brunch. Healthy and delicious and got rid of my minor hangover.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Last night I went to bed at about 11 and noticed a missed call from Amy. As she had told me that she was staying at her mum’s house I figured she was just calling to say good night so I didn’t call back.
At some point during the night she called again but it was all a bit of a blur though I could remember something about helping her today at 8 am because she had been pulled over at a checkpoint. I immediately got back to sleep and my usual 6 am alarm annoyingly woke me up. Then I noticed Amy in her bed and she said, one more hour, to which I agreed. Even though I was confused at what she was doing here I easily slept again until 7 and the reset alarm.
We both hazily got up without talking much and eventually headed to the police station in the city.
Apparently Amy was out with friends last night and then went to meet Aun at Tawandang and as she was leaving there at around 2am she got pulled over at a police checkpoint and breathalysed. In typical Thai style, they told her that she should check the local websites before driving so that she can avoid checkpoints! And after they told her to come to the station in the morning they just let her drive off again!
Anyway, at the station she signed some papers and was told to come back again at 10 to go to court. As we didn’t know how long all this was going to take, she dropped me back home first.
Something I learned today?
In the court Amy accepted a 5000 baht fine and has to do some kind of community service, also reporting back to an office somewhere three times and if she’s found to have done anything else wrong she could face 7 days in jail!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Taking Amy into the city in the morning, though I’m not sure why I was needed except I was happy to provide moral support.
Fah took this picture yesterday with Jet on the left and Mai on the right. I like these kids and their group of friends (Lin, Noah, Gina, Guitar and Poom). No new pictures today.
Nothing but total victory will suffice Is at the heart of democratic advice Diplomacy is an admission of defeat Propaganda must make victory complete
Cutting off the head is seen to win The hearts and minds of those within Here we go again, history repeated Total victory has been totally defeated
Today I’m feeling:
Woke up tired after not sleeping until about 1 am as I’d been busy setting up my computer again. Feeling right after coffees!
Today I’m grateful for:
All the people in the world who make it possible for me to get my computer running the way I want. It often involves a little bit of fiddling around to get dodgy bits and pieces of software going but once it’s done I forget about it until the next time I have to rebuild my computer.
The best thing about today was:
I took Cap back to the vet to check his blood and got the all-clear which was good news. Cap talked all the way there and back and was relieved once home again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy was upset over something that happened with one of her friends and even though I thought I was saying the right thing it wasn’t what she wanted to hear so she hung up the call. Unfortunately, her upset transferred to me and I just felt grumpy after that so I took an afternoon nap which was enjoyable at least.
I still feel a little uninspired and bored after that though. I didn’t feel like playing guitar which I had been looking forward to in the morning. I ended up just playing Xbox for a while and even that felt like a struggle.
Something I learned today?
I learned how to play Dishonored 2 on Xbox. I enjoyed the first game and this one looks good too but my head is just not in the right space at the moment for time wasting like this. That could change in a couple of days though.
What are a few of my favourite wise quotes?
Check out any entries from last year. One every day.
I took this picture because these plants are getting their new leaves. Even the one that looked totally dead has hung on for another year.
Week off morning routine – get back into it. Heavy breathing – work, tired body. Looking good – but not where I want to be yet. Turn fat into muscle. Little by little – as I taught the kids.
Sleep easy – alarm surprised. What dreams – I don’t know.
Today today today – easy day, so fill it. Get ready for Ellen’s students again. Have no desire to do it – so I will do it – push through. But do it well. I know the hardest step is just starting again – and I’m not afraid.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my full free day yesterday. I enjoyed it so much. Running around the garden with Baimon, listening to Alice Donut whilst looking through old photos, writing in my journal, reading comics and playing Xbox. Lazy and fun day which has made me feel very happy.
I pulled myself out of bed and forced myself back into my morning routine, including 10 burpees, which I was contemplating skipping. I also had time to write morning pages though they still couldn’t quiet my brain during meditation. Maybe tomorrow I will switch back to sitting up to meditate.
The result of this effort was a day of weird happiness and joy that I couldn’t help feeling. So, the best thing that happened?
On several occasions when I was communicating with students I felt a better understanding despite difficulties in verbal communication – a more common bond – it made me feel good.
I did a sketch of House and will try to do some more. I read some Dostoevsky which was very meaningful and marked certain parts – something I’ve always forgotten to do before! I’ve bounced back from my cold – and now Amy has it instead.
I also did a quick video call with a new student that I will start teaching online tomorrow.
I am so happy and grateful for the game The Crew. I don’t play games often and this game is just right for me, maybe boring for others but just enough fun for me without being frustrating.
To-do list
More remixing ✅
Prepare IELTS course on Monday ✅
Sketch something at work ✅
Prepare gratitude letters ½
Work out a time to go to Hacienda
More books, less phone ✅
It’s been an odd week – I was sick with a cold on the weekend and either slept or watched/listened to YouTube videos – which was quite enjoyable despite my subdued mood. I tried to go to work on Monday but opted not to in the end and slept more, finally feeling…not better, but happier.
On Tuesday I came home early and read more of the Paulo Coehlo book, Eleven Minutes, that Bruno lent me. I think it was part of that story that influenced my thoughts as I fell asleep that night and I had a moment of clarity and suddenly understood exactly who I was, what I am and what I am for. It was very profound and enlightening though it happened as I was on my way to sleep, and many other thoughts also passed through my mind before I slept.
When I awoke I recalled my epiphany but could no longer remember the details. Who am I!? I’m not sure it was inspired by passages in that book so I will go back and read it again. Actually, I’m just happy that somewhere in my consciousness I have this information, so my thinking ming shouldn’t need to worry about this anymore.
The rest of the week went well and I had a somewhat superior feeling that I don’t care what anyone thinks of me or the way I do things. Not to say that I deliberately go out of my way to annoy or upset anyone but I do usually apply the rule of honesty when it comes to discussion and I will give my honest opinion in many situations, hopefully when I feel it would not be detrimental. Not everyone will understand me, not everyone will like me. But I am valid. I do my best to be nice to people but I can’t help the fact that I am bored by most people and have to push myself hard to dive deeper into their world.
Yesterday I felt tired enough for an afternoon nap but thought I’d listen to some music at the same time. It was a fabulous feeling as I drifted in and out of light sleep, inspired by the sounds. I came to thinking about my old teenage bedroom, my first girlfriend, and the layout of the room, which I would change every few months depending on my mood.
As I held this thought closely, my heart jumped as my imagination brought the whole thing right into the here and now. I toyed with my thoughts and could recall moments that stimulated my emotions and realised I had it within me to summon these feelings, with practice, at will.
Looking through photos of the recent past has inspired a certain nostalgia that I haven’t investigated much before, as I never liked to indulge in it, always moving forward instead. If it can stir up my memory then I will attempt this more.
A nice thing happened yesterday as I was watering the garden in the morning. The neighbour’s twin cats came to sniff around and followed me and the hose for a while. I cuddled and stroked them and got back to watering and still they followed, curious about the water, until one got a little too close and decided that water is evil. They both quickly understood and ran off as fast as they could back home.
I am trying to simplify my life somewhat. Keep up some good habits but not stress too much about anything.
Feeling good last week, I decided I would help Ellen with some more online teaching. I’m kicking myself a little bit now as I have been enjoying all the free time I have had recently, generally since stopping recording the podcast. Sometimes, giving up things, even those you enjoy, is good. Make more room for other things.
I’ve even been listening to full CDs again today – to recall the feeling of a consistent 45-60 minutes rather than skit-skatting all about the place. And hence, the longer length of this entry.
We had a 4-day holiday over the new year. For 2021 I have made a half-hearted resolution to play more video games! Last year I rarely played anything at all. In fact, I have many things I could, can and will do but I thought it was amusing to make a resolution often seen as negative.
So for much of this 4-day holiday, I gave myself a backache by playing new games on my old Xbox One.
An exception to this was the evening of the 31st December where Amy and I enjoyed a spicy hot pot with the last packet of sauce my friend Ellen delivered from China last year (or the year before….when was it!?). We also sipped on yoghurt-flavoured shoju but Amy gave up around 11pm. We had watched the Sydney Harbour fireworks at 8pm and that is when Amy considers the new year to have actually started for us, her heart still being there. I carried on building cities and shooting monsters and was up again pretty early the following morning.
On the Saturday a few of Amy’s friends and I got together at a cafe on the way to Mae Sai. It was busy there but we all ate our fill and lazed around, Amy knocking back a few Heineken’s and getting a little louder as she likes to do.
We decided to visit her old friend from Sydney who has a cactus farm nearby and he kindly gave us a couple for Amy’s collection.
We had to stop at a shop on the way home so that Amy could grab another beer and she organized herself to head on into the city for more food and alcohol! My sweetheart the drunk!
I left her to it but she came back much earlier than I expected, mentioning about some of her friends who insist that good luck only comes from going to the temple – something that particularly rubs Amy the wrong way. Amy believes in herself and all good and bad comes from within. Thai people are still very superstitious and like to put blame and benefit on things outside their control. Obviously, I agree with Amy’s point of view but I don’t let other people’s ideas like this rub me the wrong way, though I also don’t have to listen to them complain about their lives either!
Before this holiday I thought I’d like to do something artistic again and started off with sketching. I have more ideas for continuing this than I have time currently available – it could be a battle between sketching or video games. I hope to balance this effectively. So, I was quite happy and proud of my first sketch – just looking up from my little floor table where I was working.
Brain dump
Post-yoga workout, meditate. Thoughts focus on relationships at school and people’s personalities. Stop comparing, you are you and you are fine – you don’t have to be like George or Dylan or anyone. Being yourself is fine.
Tigger cries in the morning. My middle back aches, work on core. 10 Burpee’s was tough! Getting up was tough.
Little Kim sleeps next to my butt. So much time – enjoy it – use it. Feel good. Feel strong.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my body to struggle through doing 10 burpees this morning. It was slow going but I made it. I must carry on.
The best thing that happened today was to watch a student’s face look happy when knowing that they had learned and remembered how to say a word correctly. This always makes me happy.
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