Month: January 2021

We got that attitude! – 31st January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for my enthusiasm to learn new things. It seems unbelievable to me that I am learning to play the guitar, learning to sketch and preparing to read War and Peace! My 20-year-old self would be sceptical and amazed.
I am so happy and grateful for the rain yesterday. It was a surprise and I thought it would never come. Now our plants are nourished again after about 3 months of dry. They will green up again before going back to yellow and pale for the next few dry months. There’s a beautiful cold fog this morning.

And then you start to enjoy it, take all the plugs out – 30th January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

Do you find it normal that there are daily demonstrations by ________? That women in love run away from their Prince Charming? That people dream about farms rather than love? That men and women sell their time, but can never buy it back again? And yet, all these things happen, so it really doesn’t matter what I believe or don’t believe; all these things are normal. Everything that goes against Nature, against our most intimate desires, is normal in our eyes, even though it’s an aberration in God’s eyes. We seek out our own inferno, we spend millennia building it, and after all that effort, we are now able to live in the worst possible way.

– Maria, Eleven Minutes – Paulo Coelho

Certain passages just jump out at you when you read them. Resonate with your thoughts and feelings at that particular time.

In the text, the blank is ‘Kurds’ in the first sentence, but this day I’m writing, or this day you are reading, you can fill it in with anything. There are sure to be daily demonstrations somewhere in the world, about some injustice or other, and so that we have spent millennia building this reality and despite all our efforts we end up living in the worst possible way – and that is what we perceive as normal.

The picture attached is not connected with this thought in any way. I took it this morning, riding around after finishing reading Eleven Minutes at my regular weekend coffee stop. The newly planted rice looked weak and vulnerable deep in the water. Though from the angle of the photo it looks much more cohesive.

There is a cafe in the middle of the fields, working the photo opportunity whilst the rice is growing. Rice is life here. Other fields are burning off their waste, ready for the next season.

The shack at the corner, a shield from the sun for tired sweaty workers to take a breath. It is a romantic structure, though I will never find myself in need of its use.

The big tree behind the shack looks strong at base yet scrawny at height. It looks climbable, it looks liveable – build a treehouse and live above the land.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for Amy’s yoga mat which I have been able to borrow and use in the mornings before going to work. Before I would slip and slide around on my rug.

Could I borrow your lawnmower? – 28th January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

If I had a dream book what would I write today? As I work out sometimes my dream will pop back up but sitting here thinking about it – I got nothing. Let’s see.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the connection I can make with some animals. Sometimes I look at them and think how strange it is that we live with an animal in our house.

Time felt strange today. I finished some things well ahead of when I expected, got everything done that I needed and classes disappeared very quickly. I spent most of the day wondering what I had forgotten.

The best part of the day was realising that some students just want to talk with me – about everything. I hope I can continue to give them that feeling of openness and that they will not shy away from trying to speak with others in the future. It’s a long shot but I must live in hope.

We got that attitude! – 27th January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for all the future dreams I have ever had and achieved. I am hopeful for the future now, for myself and the people around me. I hope that the people within my sphere of influence can learn something from me and my story.

No electricity or water at school today so that was a bit of a challenge. In some ways it meant taking pressure off – because it was a different working space to usual, I relaxed and adopted and luckily the students were willing to enjoy this freedom without exploiting it.

I sat and helped Dew a lot in his class – the work was easy for the others so it meant I could try and help him more – rather than getting upset with him for disrupting the class.

The best thing about today was drinking four fantastic cups of coffee, whilst reading Dostoevsky and thinking about sketching. I’m enjoying sketching at House and just giving the sketch to them. I take a photo first.

These past two days I have been reading more and ignoring my phone.

They’re living in a magazine dream – 26th January 2021

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Aussie day – forgot about already. Remember Cronulla, think logically – leads to Trump. Can people everywhere understand? Do they really think it’s good?

Good sleep – forgotten dreams. It’s okay, body stronger, brain stronger. Love life. Love reading, love music, love clean air – where is it? Where is the rain?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the jukebox in my head, the settings and times in there are the soundtrack of my life.

A bit more subdued today though I did many things. I got a bit annoyed at the students again and sent some video of students playing on their phones in class to Kru Tongjai – when she replied ‘What happened?’ I thought I would try to understand why the situation is the way it is rather than try to fix it. So I told her not to worry about it and that the problem is my way of thinking. I need to accept that I can’t really help the students much more when they have many different factors to contend with going against them. Teaching methods, lazy teachers, parents etc etc.

So, do I just resign myself to having fun in class and not worry about the students? It’s annoying for me because many students are smart enough to understand that their education is woeful. Oh well.

The best thing about today was finishing Notes From Underground. So good. I’m not sure what it all means to me but I could identify lots within the text – whether it was related to me of to other people.

I still have many thoughts and feelings about George that I hope I can express here sometime. They are not clear but starting to have some definition. I have just been acting as normal with everyone but George seems a little off and I’m not sure if it is relative to me or something else going on. He doesn’t start any conversation with me at all now and I always have to push for any kind of talk.

When I have no self-doubt I feel fine but other times when my self-belief is low I wonder what is going on. I just need to be.

I’m just a lonely egg, peel me down, I’m not afraid – 25th January 2021

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Sore gums – why? Dentist again.

Week off morning routine – get back into it. Heavy breathing – work, tired body. Looking good – but not where I want to be yet. Turn fat into muscle. Little by little – as I taught the kids.

Sleep easy – alarm surprised. What dreams – I don’t know.

Today today today – easy day, so fill it. Get ready for Ellen’s students again. Have no desire to do it – so I will do it – push through. But do it well. I know the hardest step is just starting again – and I’m not afraid.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my full free day yesterday. I enjoyed it so much. Running around the garden with Baimon, listening to Alice Donut whilst looking through old photos, writing in my journal, reading comics and playing Xbox. Lazy and fun day which has made me feel very happy.

I pulled myself out of bed and forced myself back into my morning routine, including 10 burpees, which I was contemplating skipping. I also had time to write morning pages though they still couldn’t quiet my brain during meditation. Maybe tomorrow I will switch back to sitting up to meditate.

The result of this effort was a day of weird happiness and joy that I couldn’t help feeling. So, the best thing that happened?

On several occasions when I was communicating with students I felt a better understanding despite difficulties in verbal communication – a more common bond – it made me feel good.

I did a sketch of House and will try to do some more. I read some Dostoevsky which was very meaningful and marked certain parts – something I’ve always forgotten to do before! I’ve bounced back from my cold – and now Amy has it instead.

I also did a quick video call with a new student that I will start teaching online tomorrow.

We got that attitude! – 24th January 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the game The Crew. I don’t play games often and this game is just right for me, maybe boring for others but just enough fun for me without being frustrating.

To-do list

  • More remixing ✅
  • Prepare IELTS course on Monday ✅
  • Sketch something at work ✅
  • Prepare gratitude letters ½
  • Work out a time to go to Hacienda
  • More books, less phone ✅

It’s been an odd week – I was sick with a cold on the weekend and either slept or watched/listened to YouTube videos – which was quite enjoyable despite my subdued mood. I tried to go to work on Monday but opted not to in the end and slept more, finally feeling…not better, but happier.

On Tuesday I came home early and read more of the Paulo Coehlo book, Eleven Minutes, that Bruno lent me. I think it was part of that story that influenced my thoughts as I fell asleep that night and I had a moment of clarity and suddenly understood exactly who I was, what I am and what I am for. It was very profound and enlightening though it happened as I was on my way to sleep, and many other thoughts also passed through my mind before I slept.

When I awoke I recalled my epiphany but could no longer remember the details. Who am I!? I’m not sure it was inspired by passages in that book so I will go back and read it again. Actually, I’m just happy that somewhere in my consciousness I have this information, so my thinking ming shouldn’t need to worry about this anymore.

The rest of the week went well and I had a somewhat superior feeling that I don’t care what anyone thinks of me or the way I do things. Not to say that I deliberately go out of my way to annoy or upset anyone but I do usually apply the rule of honesty when it comes to discussion and I will give my honest opinion in many situations, hopefully when I feel it would not be detrimental. Not everyone will understand me, not everyone will like me. But I am valid. I do my best to be nice to people but I can’t help the fact that I am bored by most people and have to push myself hard to dive deeper into their world.

Yesterday I felt tired enough for an afternoon nap but thought I’d listen to some music at the same time. It was a fabulous feeling as I drifted in and out of light sleep, inspired by the sounds. I came to thinking about my old teenage bedroom, my first girlfriend, and the layout of the room, which I would change every few months depending on my mood.

As I held this thought closely, my heart jumped as my imagination brought the whole thing right into the here and now. I toyed with my thoughts and could recall moments that stimulated my emotions and realised I had it within me to summon these feelings, with practice, at will.

Looking through photos of the recent past has inspired a certain nostalgia that I haven’t investigated much before, as I never liked to indulge in it, always moving forward instead. If it can stir up my memory then I will attempt this more.

A nice thing happened yesterday as I was watering the garden in the morning. The neighbour’s twin cats came to sniff around and followed me and the hose for a while. I cuddled and stroked them and got back to watering and still they followed, curious about the water, until one got a little too close and decided that water is evil. They both quickly understood and ran off as fast as they could back home.

I am trying to simplify my life somewhat. Keep up some good habits but not stress too much about anything.

Feeling good last week, I decided I would help Ellen with some more online teaching. I’m kicking myself a little bit now as I have been enjoying all the free time I have had recently, generally since stopping recording the podcast. Sometimes, giving up things, even those you enjoy, is good. Make more room for other things.

I’ve even been listening to full CDs again today – to recall the feeling of a consistent 45-60 minutes rather than skit-skatting all about the place. And hence, the longer length of this entry.