Month: July 2021

Circles – 31st July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Wound tight and stomach knotted
Endless thoughts, head is reeling
Darker schemes are being plotted
No single road seems appealing

A roundabout, eyes are blurring
Sleep offers no more respite
Each waking moment reoccuring
A falling dream from a great height

A catch-22, a spinning top
Dante’s rings, ever decreasing
A perpetuum mobile, never stop
Piled on top and never ceasing

8th August 2021 – I stuck this poem into an AI story generator and it came back with this:

A cloud of gas, an oil well, and then one day, well no, I’m not going to say it again I can’
I can’t wait to share some music with you guys. I’m still working on it, – the best soundtrack I’ve ever heard. That’s it, folks, that’s the end of this sentence, no? Okay, here’s a short one: I think I might have died. Maybe. When I did, my body was on . … I guess that is a word. – no. Okay. You know what? That is it for this one; I’ll give you a minute. Sorry. How many minutes, anyway? I don’t know, maybe two. What was the last song that you listened to ?
… You might notice that in all this time no one has been to my room. No one’s been in my bed. So far, the only person I have had to talk to is you. Sorry, sorry, this is going a bit fast, okay?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Utopia is ok to give me credit until next week as I haven’t been paid yet. It’s a very slightly guilty coffee.

Here’s the weekend again. Grabbed coffee, read about the Beatles, filled my bike tyres and got 20 baht of petrol because that’s all the cash I had. Came home and Amy had washed the car and asked me to wash the bike, which I did as Tangmo watched on.

After I had finished and come inside I heard Amy scream that Tangmo had got through the screen door and was walking around in Kim’s room. When I came out Kim didn’t seem much to care and I got Tangmo out and fixed the door.

After a shower, I went back in to see Kim and to make Tangmo watch that he has to accept Kim and that we can be with her without him barking and pushing at the door. Tangmo wasn’t ready for this lesson though and pushed the doors again and barked more. Kim got angry this time and scratched me and attacked him. Eventually, I had to kick Tangmo in the head to get him out. He was very upset and ran off sulking! Kim is the priority though. And making sure the door doesn’t get fully broken. Tangmo will probably sneak back in quietly later. I’ll give him a pat then.

Now listening to the Beatles CDs I have, which still don’t really interest me musically. Still trying to finish off all my DVD burns; will get there eventually.

For what has been a fairly quiet morning I’ve done quite a lot. Not much of interest though. These are what days are I suppose.

Time, time, time to escape – 30th July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Since Kim came back from the vet she has been fairly content to be stuck in her one-room paradise. The room is bigger than my own! We take her out on a leash each day but she doesn’t like it and just sits sniffing the air. She is getting more keen to dash out whenever we open the sliding screen door and occasionally I will let her roam close by and try not to let her run off.

This time I failed! She quickly jumped up the wall and onto the roof for a look around the trees, where she used to pull little birds out of their nests. I ran around the other side to the step ladder and poked my head up. Luckily she was curious enough to see my head in such an odd place and crept out from the cover of the leaves (can’t really camouflage orange!) and came to investigate whereupon I quickly scooped her up and back into the safety of her room.

It’s sad that she can’t be allowed outside but as she is still a rebellious fighting teenager cat we can’t risk her hurting herself with her weak and compromised body. We are trying a special medicine that has helped some cats fight back against leukaemia but there’s no real guarantee that it will work.

And as always, we get all 3 cats home for a few weeks before another gets sick and has to go and stay with the vet for a while. This time it’s Tigger, who has suffered kidney problems over the last few years. He was looking uncomfortable and stopped eating and the vet found he had high counts of something or other in his blood. He’s on a saline drip until that stabilises again.

We do love our cats.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to sit in our dining room and over the last three years watch our trees grow higher and higher. It’s the slow passing of time compared to the feeling of time accelerating.

Nagging Whispers – 29th July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

That seed of doubt implanted
Nagging at the back of my mind
Ask myself ‘Is it within my control?’
Or am I seeing blind
Never sure if a problem caused
Sensitive to others’ feeling
I believe there’s nothing wrong
In the ways I have been dealing
Sometimes I cannot guess
Reactions to an innocent word
Doubt whispers into my ears
Making sure it’s heard

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that we are safe and healthy at this moment in time. Many people are desperate and struggling but we’re doing ok.

Diaper – 27th July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

When love has gone wrong
Run off to dark spaces
Desperately clinging to hope
Remembering those embraces

Butterflied chest and tears
And seething like a viper
In the car for 20 hours
Wearing an adult diaper

A last romantic gesture
To mend your broken heart
May push away with vigour
Forever to be apart

Don’t laugh at their madness
When Eros too was your sniper
At one time or another
We’ve all worn the diaper

Inspired by We Learn Nothing by Tim Kreider, recalling bad reactions to broken hearts

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the preserved cabbage that we got given by the Chinese students who went back to China. It was yummy.

I ended up sleeping at around 7.30 last night and I’m glad I did. Still felt dizzy and tired this morning but my mood picked up after my first class of the day.

Tigger is in the hospital again and Amy and I went to see him at lunchtime. He has some dodgy blood level count which seems to indicate a kidney problem but the vet said we caught it quickly before he had organ failure again.

I’m glad I cancelled teaching yesterday and tomorrow. I’ll have one class tonight after school but like I mentioned yesterday I’m in the right frame of mind as I already have the natural tension from teaching at school.

Perhaps I’ve been working too hard recently but I feel compelled to be doing things. The quote from Ryan Holiday that we are human ‘beings’ and not human ‘doings’ was interesting to me as at this time, with lockdowns and everything, we are not actually ‘being’ as much as we would like. I am always ‘doing’, I never stop doing things, and those things keep me happy. Sometimes I get too focused on some things when I could be doing more, perhaps around the house or in the garden, for example.

Sometimes I wish all my stuff was in the house (as opposed to my man cave outside), especially as I would have my music playing all day long, and would read books on the terrace more. Now I feel like I have to do all my things in my room so it divides everything up into ‘my’ time and ‘other’ time. It’s a first-world problem in a third-world country!

Fat Cat – 26th July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 8 Comments

You’re a fat cat hiding
But you can’t really hide
Your belly is sticking out
Of the box on either side

Climbing up on the shelf
With the picture as your screen
Your paw hanging over the edge
So you can still be seen

Let’s play this game longer
I know you want to dash outside
But everyone is watching
Everyone knows where you hide

15th Aug 2024 – Submitted to What’s Going On – dogs and cats

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that we could take Tigger to the vet today. He’s been a little subdued and not eating much and due to his condition, we erred on the side of caution. He’ll be there for a few days.

Sometimes my mood changes suddenly and I just cancel everything. The last few days I’ve been tired and was looking forward to a lazy long weekend, which it has been in general but I had committed to teaching online for Ellen on these days off and I just feel like my brain isn’t in the right place.

It’s weird but when I get up early and go to school I end up with more energy to do more things. I find if I have a relaxed morning, I really struggle to motivate myself.

So, with a tired weakness, I cancelled my lessons for today and for Wednesday, which is also a holiday. On Tuesday I have to go to work and should be ok to do the extra classes after school. I should try not to get stuck like this and work myself up to being ready to go whenever asked of me.

Sometimes, I think my life is too easy. Sometimes I feel like I need pain and stress to work, to appreciate living. I can relax but why can’t I relax correctly! My brain….

The Balance – 25th July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

The less ideas you get, the more friends you’ll have
But the more friends you have, the more ideas you’ll get
This is a strange dilemma for me to deal with
And I haven’t found the best way to balance it yet

The first line is lifted from the ‘Abe – Wrong for the Right Reasons’ by Glenn Dakin

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I didn’t fall off the roof of the garage yesterday as I tried to repair our leaky drain. It was ok on the roof but a little dicey getting on and off the step ladder.

Lazy dull grey-skyed Sunday, morning spent with coffee and book, blogging this week’s poems and continuing the DVD ripping. After pizza lunch it’s Netflix time, watching The Lost Kingdom, which reminds me of the foolishness of belief in god, king and country. I seem to be a proud heathen though with, hopefully, a better moral compass than the Vikings.

Walk Like a Malaysian – 24th July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Push through the air thicker than glue
Where is it we are going to?
Let’s get Teh Tarik (to-day oh)
Can you park right outside the show?
One thousand degrees in the hall
Now time to eat, let’s make a call
Pile on to the bikes (o-kay oh)
Get ABC from your favourite stall
Sweaty brow, to slow things now, so
Walk like a Malaysian
Not so quick to take a trick, just
Walk like a Malaysian

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our passionfruit plant that is now growing fist-size fruit. Maybe a couple more weeks and they will be edible. Can’t wait.

Hit The Reward – 23rd July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Hit the dog, hit him hard, make him pay
That’s the lesson every dogging day
Hit the boy, hit him hard, he never learns
The lesson for him is that anger burns

Hit the bottle, hit it hard, that’s your sword
But understanding is based around reward
Hit the road, hit it hard, there’s no return
You lost them all, none shall learn

1st Jun 2024 – Submitted to Word of the Day Challenge

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for 20 minutes of extra sleep this morning. Usually, I’m awake before my alarm but not today. After resetting it for an extra 20 minutes I went straight back into deep sleep.

I talked with Hayden briefly yesterday. He sounds pretty down with life – not articulating it into words but just in his tone and choice of words. He had nothing to say really as he hasn’t been doing anything except playing video games for the last two months.

Bronwyn is staying at his place in Newcastle at the moment, actually, her house, where I’m guessing he is living rent-free. He says he’s annoyed with her because she doesn’t give him enough space. When I asked him ‘space to do what?’ he just answered ‘space to be himself’. I translate this as ‘space to do nothing.’ Being 25 years old already it shocks me how little he can do for himself.

Bronwyn is a control freak and does everything for him because she can see that every time he tries to do something and fails, he just gives up. Now it seems like he doesn’t even want to try.

I’ve been telling her for several years to cut him off (financially) and let him fend for himself but she can’t bring herself to do it. And now it is super easy to get caught in online loan shark debt too. That boy is going to fall hard one day and I blame myself as much as anyone.

Next Enemy – 22nd July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Is manufacturing an enemy
The right way to finding peace?
Other powers must be countered
As their influences increase
Not content to share the riches
Unprepared to let release
There’s always money in warfare
So the war must never cease

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the beautiful light purple flowers on our climbing plant.

Just looking back at an entry a year ago on 21st July 2020, I note I was not writing as much as before and I can see from this (physical book that I’m writing in) book that I have not been so diligent in the last 12 months. But I’m ok with that.

I still do lots of writing and have changed the focus of entries in this journal a little. I also feel that writing here was a lot more necessary last year than today. I’m feeling more stable in general and ok with everything. I do have to remember though that if I fall down at some point, that the journaling habit is most useful in those times.

I also noted back in that entry from a year ago that I talked about converting all my old DVDs. That task is still ongoing, though almost complete, at least for all the old movies I downloaded and burned to disc. I still have 100s more store-bought DVDs.

Again, I will never have enough time to watch them but I do enjoy the fact that I can and that I can share them for others too. Much like the books on my shelves waiting to be read. I won’t let them be a burden for me. It’s not a task I must try to complete. Collecting, cataloguing, it’s just part of who I am.