Month: April 2023

Once Around The Sun – 20th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It would’ve been your birthday
You would’ve got my call
Wishing you more happiness
No matter how small
I guess it still is your birthday
You’re just not here to see
I miss you more each year
And one day it will be me

Mum would’ve been 88 years old today.

Today I’m feeling:

Similar to yesterday, though a little tired due to not sleeping until about 2am but still trying to wake up early. I’m trying to get up at 8 am but didn’t make it until 9 this morning.

Today I’m grateful for:

Surprise messages from my students Nam and Anchan, Anchan asking me for advice on love.  Unsure if I’m the best to be asking for advice I think I said it well.

She asked:”Do you think age affects love? For example, there is a kid in middle school. And the person he talks to or likes is in college. Do you think it’s possible?”

I took her meaning to be that it is her in middle school (she is 13) and is interested in someone older (maybe 18 or 19).

“Yes, I think age affects love.

As we get older and have more experiences we get a better understanding of it’s meaning. But only if we learn from our mistakes and don’t keep repeating them.

We learn what deep unconditional love means. We also learn the difference between love and sex.

At your age, you are curious about both, love and sex. I advise you to be cautious. Learn about the person you are interested in before committing your heart or your body to someone.

You are smart and more mature than others of your age. This makes you attractive to older boys. But without experience, it may also be easy for them to manipulate you into doing something you may regret. So, take it slow. You have lots of time, more than you realise.”

The best thing about today was:

A storm! Finally! After almost hitting 40 degrees again, the afternoon skies darkened though it still seemed likely this would be another apparition. Then came the wind and eventually peals of thunder rolled over the mountains bringing precious rain.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The storm picked up and the tall cactus fell over in its pot. The wind was now going sideways and the roof over the entertainment area rattled its objection until finally part of it ripped free clapping against itself as loud as the thunder. I ran to it and tried to hold it down when the wind switched around and blew it flat again but my weak fingers were no match for the power of the storm. As I was grabbing at it my fingers slammed against the metal frame and cold water poured down my arms in the channel my grip was making in the roof. After a couple of minutes of the roof ripping out of my hands, I found a breeze block and pushed it on the frame and part of the roof that was still secure. How was I going to get it on the roof to hold it down though? There was a tiny gap about my finger’s width, if I pulled the roof down again and then I could inch the block over slowly. This took a couple of attempts and it finally seemed to be working. The wind was also dissipating and I caught my breath investigating further damage. The papaya tree was uprooted again, this time in a different direction than last year’s uprooting. The garage gutter reminded me of its dodgy joins leaking over everything in the shed but that was not so unexpected. As the rain trailed off the thunder continued rattling the windows of the house and I came indoors shivering wet, pants completely soaked, covered in leaves and bleeding at the wrist. I did, however, feel invigorated, much like the visit to the waterfall. I took a shower and threw my wet clothes in the washing machine.

Something I learned today?

The proposed 300 baht arrival tax in Thailand has been delayed because wants the money but has been trying to get the airlines to do the work. Rightly, they said it was impossible. Next, the idea was for the hotels to do it. Rightly, they told them to shove it!

What is something I am grateful to have learned recently?

I have been reminded of the tragic lesson of death. I don’t feel grateful for its tap on the shoulder right now but perhaps I will in the future.


I took this picture because P’ti was looking all relaxed and handsome here, as ever, by the door at Utopia. He is fascinated with what is through the window. At what is only briefly accessible. P’ti is about the same age as Kim Chi and we once brought Kim here on the way to the vet where they met each other for a moment. I hope P’ti lives a long life and brings more happiness to the world he inhabits.

The Dream Is Dead – 19th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

My grandparents took their dreams
And able to make them real
Fought the good fight for freedom
And allowed their pain to heal

Each generation wants for its young
To climb up ever higher
When dreams could come true
Those values would inspire

But now those dreams are fading
I’ll never see the top
Members of the last generation
Before we come to a stop

Today I’m feeling:

Better than yesterday though still subject to darkness. Unenthused and flat. By evening I was feeling pretty good.

Today I’m grateful for:

Aircon. How did people survive without aircon!? Folks here are used to it and I’m getting more used to it but it’s 40 degrees today and even riding a bike around in the shade has no cooling effect. It reminds me of the time riding around in Rhodes back in 1994.
I rode past a pineapple factory where hill tribe people sit around tables cutting up the fruit. They are undercover but outdoors, many wearing clothes to cover much of their skin so as not to look so tan which is virtually impossible for them!

The best thing about today was:

Just generally feeling better than yesterday.   I hope the rest of the week continues like this.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Somehow I’ve ended up going through the day without eating a meal. I’ve had a few snacks but perhaps the heat has tempered any hunger. I’m wondering how this might affect my mood tomorrow. I need to consider my eating habits and how it can change my mood.

Something I learned today?

I read about the Drowning Child thought-experiment about how we might choose to help someone in need right in front of us but not even consider them if it is out of sight. Or more provocatively that we might choose not to help them because we can’t help everyone. Also to consider if we should try to save someone if they have a life ahead of them as opposed to someone nearer the end of their life. It reminds me of someone who saves another person from drowning but themselves drown during the action.

I think I would be someone who tries to help someone who is struggling right in front of me. It would depend on a lot of factors many of which could even make me freeze with fear at the time. I can struggle with making fast decisions sometimes.

Did I make a good decision today?

Some days, yesterday for instance, just feel like they have you beat. Today I woke up with a different feeling and it’s difficult to pin down why. I took my computer to Utopia and pushed myself to do some work. This was a positive step. After coffee, I came home and much as every other day during this holiday watched some YouTube videos. But by the afternoon, still feeling reasonably ok, I again pushed myself along to take advantage of this slight upswing in mood and decided on an afternoon coffee but taking the long way there. With the slightly improved air conditions, things felt a bit less oppressive than in recent weeks. Sun was actually breaking through to cast shadows on the ground. Of course, this meant the heat was trapped and pushed the temperature up to 40 degrees and the feeling of it being even hotter. The daily promised storms still haven’t arrived and even the tokays have given up asking for relief. It’s too hot for mosquitoes.

Anyway, whilst the decision to get out felt quite natural and normal it was definitely a better choice than staying at home today.

I took this picture because the sky is clearing a little to produce some colour in things again. These blooms stand out around this fishing lake. I’m not sure of the type of tree but it has long bean-like seed pods like an acacia.

Misery Comedy – 18th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Not like Beckett, not absurd
It’s just as English as the word
The saddest laugh I ever heard

Rolling laughs don’t come from rolling hills
No pearly whites penetrate the mills
More bitter than the bitterest pills

And only laughing when it hurts
The summer wine no longer works
Born amongst the miserable jerks

There was a time when some British comedy TV became too dour even for me. Last of the Summer Wine and Only When I Laugh are referenced and remain memorable for their misery! I was self-aware enough to realise that watching these shows made me unhappy. I just wanted to laugh at something funny, not at something sideways.

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and useless. The grey of the sky is getting me down. It’s not like the grey of a cloudy sky. That sky moves and promises. This sky is dead. I woke up tired and have napped twice since. Everything feels pointless. No inspiration. No movement.

Today I’m grateful for:

My memories of Murray and myself philosophizing with our teenage imaginations at the bottom of the school field. We looked up at the sky and stars and had no idea how inconsequential we are.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing reading Death’s End. What an awesome book with big crazy ideas. Onto some lighter reading next with Michael Parkinson’s biography.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My positivity has fallen down today mainly due to tiredness I believe. My PMT or low point of my circadian rhythm.  Perhaps I napped my way out of it.

Something I learned today?

I read today that China has offered to mediate between Palestine and Israel in a search for peace in the Middle East. It’s difficult to imagine that it might work but if both sides can see the benefits of increased prosperity perhaps there’s a chance?

What place holds special meaning to me?

There are too many to mention. Today I feel like I am not living my life. My memory feels like a story I watched on TV rather than events that actually happened to me. The places in my memory are still there yet the actual places are not. They exist but are not the same. Sometimes it’s better for a memory to be repaved over with concrete.


I took this picture because as I was riding home from Utopia the mountains were more visible than in recent days and it can be seen how dry the jungle has become out there. The cows and bulls offered a perfect foreground.

Funhouse Mirror – 17th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 8 Comments

Looking at my twisting reflection
This is not real
Even on closer inspection
It’s just not me, I feel

Is this copy worthy of duplication?
Is it even a fact?
A mirror-to-mirror demonstration
Repeating all I lacked

I am bewitched by my own distortion
Will the real me please step forth?
Invested in psychological contortion
Searching for magnetic North

26th Apr 2024 – Submitted to dVerse OLN #360

Today I’m feeling:

Fairly positive, and cared about yet still with a nagging cold in my psyche.

Today I’m grateful for:

Nong Nut and Nong Fon for making and giving me food today. Nut made a delicious cheese, cream cheese and spinach bake along with some banana cake, yoghurt and more jam. Fon made her best sourdough bread yet and was delicious, toasted with cream cheese.

The best thing about today was:

I felt quite blissful as I was talking with Amy whilst sitting outside. I could smell food cooking coming from somewhere instead of smoky air for a change. The trapped heat in the house was not present outside with a comfortable cosy feeling of warmth. Another day has passed quickly with the feeling of little achievement though relative satisfaction. I have to remind myself that this is what life is. I don’t need to be jumping out of aeroplanes or be popular to know that I am alive.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I still haven’t got back any enthusiasm for listening to music. Apart from playing guitar a few times I haven’t purposely listened to any music this month. I know music can take me away but it can also bring focus right inside my head and I still feel like I want my senses dulled. I’m still in some kind of mourning. I’m getting used to Kim not bring around now and it even feels like she never existed, like she was a dream. That’s sad but maybe my way of coping. Where does the love go that you gave? It feels like it just evaporated.

Something I learned today?

Robotaxis have been given the go-ahead in Beijing. It would be weird to be in a car with no driver but still have a steering wheel and watch it moving. Why not just get rid of the wheel too? Anyway, the future is here. Where is it going? By the time you read this, you’ll be able to tell me.

What am I looking forward to this week?

I’m looking forward to having finished sorting out the hundreds of vocabulary cards that I started making last month. I’m enjoying the process of putting them in order after they all got mixed up during the process of making them. It’s one of those huge tasks that I enjoy as I watch it slowly get easier as it nears completion.


I took this picture yesterday because I like leaving these little models around amongst our little plants around the entertainment area.

Pit Ponies – 16th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Bandaged eyes for a holiday treat
A walking cough on coal-black feet
Animals and humans linger in shit
The bray and the neigh, murmurs the pit

Air to breathe, relaxed underground
There echoes the ever-tapping sound
Fathers tell sons to break the chain
Close the gates on working man’s shame

Time has turned the tide around
A union broken and unknown freedom found
Damocles laughs and makes some bank
The pit ponies nostalgic for the sulphur stank

Today I’m feeling:

Not too bad today but not particularly inspired either. Enjoyed starting to read the Brix Smith book whilst at Utopia. I didn’t want to stop so ended up drinking 3 coffees instead of my usual two. Amy’s brother called to come here so I’m waiting for him now but I can’t drink more coffee!

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy getting home safely last night and then for her flatmate who consoled her today when she cried over our lovely Kim Chi. I still miss her terribly but I’m getting more used to her not being around. Amy told me she was excited to come back in July to see all our cats but now her trip is tinged with sadness too.

The best thing about today was:

I really enjoyed reading today with the Brix Smith book at Utopia and approaching the end of Death’s End at home. I will miss this sci-fi series but have many other cool books to get into next.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

There are times I feel fatalistic about the future but I also know that making uncomfortable changes usually brings about a renewed sense of accomplishment. I have been happy with the way things had been going until the shock of Kim’s death rattled me.  At this point, I don’t know what’s coming. Amy is pretty unhappy to be leaving Australia and has such a negative attitude to being in Thailand again that I’m not sure how long it will last. I know she wants us all to be together but prefers it not to be here. Going back to Australia together in the future feels really up in the air to me. I have no idea what I can do there for work. Amy is keen on the idea of opening a restaurant which I’m not quite in the right frame of mind to attempt. A lot of time, money and stress will be ahead of that. Can I submit to that to make Amy happy?

Something I learned today?

I watched a magic video that showed how to make small objects float using a very fine thread. It’s a neat trick that maybe I’ll practice one day and show my students.

What are the details of my daily routine?

Right now, in the holidays: get up around 8.30, feed the cats, shower, ride to Utopia, drink coffees and read, go home and read (different book), watch YouTube videos, eat (depending on how hungry I am), video call Amy when feeding the cats, water the garden, sometimes play guitar, watch more YouTube, read more, watch Netflix, shower, get in bed, read books and comics on iPad, sleep. I’m not spending much time listening to music since Kim died; I’m not quite in the mood for it yet.


I took this picture because the ceramic figure reminds me of Amy and this is one of her cactuses that I haven’t managed to kill yet. I had to force myself out to find something to take a picture of today.

From 30,000 Feet – 15th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The view from above
A bomb or brain
An expanding universe
Must always remain
The view microscopic
Each atom crucial
The future in our hands
Exploded brutal
The view in the mirror
Pauses for reflection
Thumb on the button
Ending perfection

Today I’m feeling:

A little flat still but better than yesterday.

Today I’m grateful for:

The special Royal Canin food that Cap and Tig can eat. It’s expensive but at least it gives them some variety as they don’t have many options due to their health conditions.

The best thing about today was:

Taking my time watching the Swans play well against Richmond. I felt relaxed once we took control of the game in the fourth quarter.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Cap has to drink a supplement once a day. It’s just 2ml and has to be done with a plastic syringe into his mouth. He hates it though especially as it sprays down his throat. As I tried to administer it, Cap quickly moved his head, so I sprayed the liquid into my hand and onto my pants. I just laughed. I’ll get you next time Cap!

Something I learned today?

The one thing I can quickly remember was reading about a Thai guy (one of 9 siblings) who makes around 3 million bagels a year in New York. He works about 100 hours a week and also owns a restaurant. He has an arranged marriage and his wife is still in Thailand. I’m kind of fascinated with New York but not sure if I ever really like to go there.


I took this picture last week because I thought these mini houses, basically just studio apartments have a pretty interesting design and despite my 5 years riding around here I’ve never seen these before and they are probably less than 500 metres from home.

Broken Isn’t Bad – 14th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Broken isn’t bad, here we are again
It’s our destiny, what we’re made for
There’s no hiding from our inner pain
For some, it’s what they’re paid for
Scabs are formed around scrapes and cuts
Dizzy heads are spun amongst the stars
Feeling cheated and going nuts
These deeper wounds will form your scars

Today I’m feeling:

A little flat and a little bored. Missing that crazy cat.

Today I’m grateful for:

Free time. Netflix. YouTube. Books and comics. It’s a lazy day.

The best thing about today was:

Watering the garden whilst on a video call with Amy. It got me up and about instead of lounging around and napping.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I couldn’t keep my eyes open this afternoon so had to succumb to a quick snooze. I’m not motivated at all today. That’s ok. I know there are days like this and things will pick up again.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video about the cost of living in Bangkok and was shocked at comments saying they thought 200,000 baht a month was about right for someone single in their 20s or 30s. I know that’s not my demographic but to compare I live on less than 30,000 baht per month and the locals are getting around 9,000 for many jobs.

What is my favourite way to relax?

My favourite way to relax is after working hard. Right now I’m relaxing from one relaxing thing to another and it’s not my preference. I need the juxtaposition between effort and rest.


I took this picture because I’m having to pour my love into Cap and Tig. Cap loves to be close by though usually just out of arms reach. Though he’s usually lazing around he rarely seems to be in a deep sleep.

No Bricks, No Mortar – 13th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Keeping up with the Joneses and Smiths
Established in a canyon of glamour
Here are built the legends and myths
The counters to the sickle and hammer
There’s no volunteer to be the clown
As it’s just the beginning, just a starter
Their crushed dreams are raining down
Like confetti from a busted pinata

*Last two lines are a paraphrase from a sentence that stood out in Brix Smith Start’s biography and the inspiration for the rest

Today I’m feeling:

Better each day. I’m getting there. Today though Amy asked me to call her when I got up and when I did she told me her grandmum was rushed to the hospital after passing blood. In her 90s she still has a good brain but a failing body. 

Today I’m grateful for:

My phone’s alarm clock and my smart idea to set 3 alarms 15 minutes apart to help get me out of bed a little earlier. I’d like to get back into the rhythm of getting up early and sleeping earlier again.

The best thing about today was:

Talking for an hour with Hayden on the phone. As he gets older and has more life experience we can talk about many issues and subjects these days and I enjoy our conversations.

Also messaging with Echo in LA and catching up with her again which I try and do every 12 to 18 months.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy asked me to go to the hospital and visit her grandma in the evening after she’d been moved to a private room. The only problem is that today is the first day of the Songkran celebration and the traffic in the city was crazy. Whilst on the way there Amy called and told me to go home. It had taken her brother two hours to make the usual ten-minute drive from home to the hospital! As I’d been stuck in traffic for 20 minutes already I thought going home was a good idea too.  I enjoyed driving anyway as it gave me a chance to listen to more podcasts.

Something I learned today?

I learned that Echo is a ceramic artist and recently held an exhibition in LA, examples of which I could see in her WeChat Moments. I never knew that she was doing this and still not clear if she can live off her art but I’m quite amazed at her ability and pursuit of this.

What things are in my control today?

Some of my thoughts. Some of my actions.


I took this picture because I’ve never seen these fruit (or nuts – I’m not sure which) turn red before. This is on one of our palm trees. A quick search tells me they are foxtail palms (and they are fruit!)

Hometown Postman – 12th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A town all snowy white and middle-class
The drunks tell stories often repeated
Shufflers trapped in a cul-de-sac torture
All plans for their children defeated

A week in the sun by the sea
Swap cardigans for sunburned backs
Strange behaviours set tongues wagging
Is this the life that everyone lacks?

Enter no more the green and pleasant
Ruined by the hardest-working poor
Facing fists of fury on walking home
All desperately banging on the door

The drizzle drenches the pavements grey
Children too bored to stomp in puddles
Tugged by the leashes of all that glitters
Out of reach of all of these muddles

Excitements distract along the terrace
Dogs fight cats, cat fights dog
A word of wise from the blinders
Submit oneself to pointless slog

13th Apr 2024 – Shared to Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge – pointless
10th Oct 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – hometown

Today I’m feeling:

A little more positive and upbeat. It’s not time that heals our grief, it’s the forgetting.

Today I’m grateful for:

Sight. My eyesight is suffering a little these days perhaps from the dodgy air, lack of sleep and constant looking at screens. But I can still see. If I had to choose between losing my sight or my hearing I would choose losing sight. I would miss reading but could still listen to audiobooks. I think I would really struggle emotionally if I couldn’t listen to music though.

It still feels like yesterday that, as children, we were all warned about listening to loud music would damage our ears so much that we would go deaf in our old age. And that watching too much TV would lead to early-onset blindness. I had to start wearing glasses when I was around 26 years old and my mum had to wear hearing aids from perhaps her 50s onwards. So I guess I’m doing all right so far.

The best thing about today was:

Brushing Cap and Tig whilst they purred in pleasure. They have been getting more attention from me now Kim is gone. They are still fussy about being touched or picked up but if they are in the right mood it does seem as if they are reciprocating my love.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Right now Netflix isn’t working for me. Just as I’d like to settle back and watch some more of the series Dark. It’s not like there is nothing else I can do so this is only a mild annoyance. I’m aware it’s also a very first-world problem too.

Something I learned today?

Apparently, there is a weird law here in Thailand that makes it illegal for politicians to sing and dance on stage during an election. This came to note because someone called out the current Thai PM for doing exactly this recently. The annoying thing about the article discussing this was the fact that there was no indication of why this was a law. Presumably, it made sense at the time it was implemented. It may even make sense now if it was explained. Like any law in Thailand, it is fairly flexible and depends on who broke it as to whether any action would be taken.

What are 3 things that bring me joy?

Nothing is really bringing me joy right now. My positive emotions are not that strong I guess. The emotions of grief and sadness are much easier for me to tap into. I’m bouncing back slowly but it does make me think why can’t I be prone to happiness and joy instead? They are all just emotions.


I took this picture because this is our infamous red sun as it sets behind our blooming frangipani. For most of these days, the smoke is so thick that if the sun can be seen at all it can be stared at directly without a problem. That’s something I’d prefer not to be able to do for the sake of a clear sky.

Get Hit – 11th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

On a journey through time, we get hit
In the end, we all get what we deserve
Not the answers we wanted to hear
Cling steady to the shore, hold your nerve
The messages are all around us
Knocking at the doors in the night
One view in the mirror, full of fear
The other, a grimace of delight
The game plays a man in a collar
Against the promise of avoiding the pit
In the end, we all get what we deserve
On a journey through time, we get hit

Today I’m feeling:

Calm and a little deflated. I don’t think I got to sleep until past 3 am so it was difficult to get up this morning. My whole cycle is shifting but I’d prefer to be getting up early and sleeping earlier.

Today I’m grateful for:

There being 19 more days of holiday. I hope I can get myself back together in this time. I’m vaguely optimistic about the forthcoming semester.

The best thing about today was:

It took me a long time to get to sleep in the early hours this morning but I did enjoy the transition period from lucid dreaming into deep sleep.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I don’t have much to contribute today. I’m not so enthusiastic about anything. Nothing bad or out of control has happened. It’s a little boring. I feel like I’m just wasting time at the moment which isn’t really a good state of mind to be in. 

Something I learned today?

There’s a punk rock museum in Las Vegas. I’m conflicted about it. It’s fascinating and grossly commercial. It has a typical North American promotion that feels greasy.


I took this picture because this is the fishing lake opposite Lake Hill Resort that has changed so much since I got here. This picture is from last week. Still no new pictures as it’s difficult whilst there is so much smoke in the air and everything is so dry and grey/yellow. Everything and everyone is waiting for rain.