A roll of the dice With a careful nudge Generals in sync Will refuse to budge The game of Risk Is a risky game Must be ensured It’s played the same Rules are manufactured Out of thin air Top of the pecking order Keeps the lion’s share Disorder is maintained To keep challenges at bay If you want to win the game It must be played this way
Today I’m feeling:
Cautious. A little dizzy. Not unhappy or negative but not quite right. At only 11 am, I’m feeling tired and sleepy already.
Today I’m grateful for:
A new deodoriser I found at HomePro that seems to work quite well. There’s a bad cat pee smell on the sofa though I can’t find exactly where so I’m going through spraying the deodoriser on the sofa bit by bit.
The best thing about today was:
Being able to look out of my window and see the mountains clearly again across the rice fields. It makes me feel more connected to the world.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Despite trying to fight it I napped/lucid-dreamed through listening to a Black Midi CD. Thankfully it wasn’t long enough to stop me from getting into bed before 9 pm. I think my general lack of motivation and enthusiasm is going around in ever-decreasing circles with my tiredness.
Something I learned today?
I found out that Earn at House will leave on Saturday to go and study at a university in Bangkok. Her English is pretty good and though she’s not shy, she’s also not chatty. A little like myself I think.
What are some words that best describe my personality?
Yes, I can suffer symptoms of depression and be happy at the same time. And I also feel that though I’m a little unimpressed and uninspired at the moment I’m also a little optimistic along with it.
I took this picture because this year we may end up with enough lychees to eat, rather than the insects or birds getting them all.
Under the waterline Is where dignity remains Invisible to others The pleasure and the pains
Behind the smile Is where the psyche trains Inside the mind Words to the self explains
Not all thunder Brings along the rains Under the waterline Are made the unseen gains
Today I’m feeling:
Slept well last night and feel ok today though not particularly motivated. I’m hoping that will return next week when the kids are back at school.
Today I’m grateful for:
7-11 food. Although I’m a little negative about 7-11 because there are way too many stores nearby I’m glad that they at least give me an alternative for a quick microwave meal that can stave off my hunger.
The best thing about today was:
Dropping by to see Bruno and Nut and being offered lunch. It was good to catch up with them though they were hungover from a long day of drinking yesterday. They were feeling a bit slow and I didn’t really have much to update them with so I didn’t stay for too long. It made me realise that I’m not used to communicating after five weeks being mostly at home by myself. I know my mood will lift once I see my students again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
On Telegram today I got a notification that my old colleague at the cafe in Woolworths, Joy had just joined so I sent a message saying hello. I got a reply but it seems like it’s not her and I got an angry message asking if I was a scammer. It got me thinking that we have years and years of old contact numbers kept in our phones and computers that many people will have gotten new numbers and then after a few years those old numbers get recycled. What feels like a strange world that we live in will just feel normal to the younger generations and then one day they will get to feel like this too.
Something I learned today
I started with the Thai app again mainly just to busy my brain. I also want to try and do a little more meditation again so registered again with Smiling Mind.
What is something I wish I had known when I was younger?
Everything, obviously. There’s no point wishing for something that can’t happen.
This is my cartoon face. Or more precisely, a younger me’s cartoon face. I’ll do a current one soon.
No movement, no promise Woke up tired again The sky has gone grey Dead and uninspired
Today I’m feeling:
In the morning I was feeling pretty happy. We had a Songkran ceremony blessing the director (or he was blessing us, I don’t know) and folks were having fun splashing water around. I got home around midday and, despite three coffees, I’m starting to feel sleepy as these early mornings are catching up with me already. I must resist the urge to sleep though.
Today I’m grateful for:
My former teenage self for reading books. For some reason, I never really thought of myself as a reader. When I was young it took me a long time to finish a book. On going through my diaries from 1983 and 1984 though I can see that I was reading a lot more than I thought. I can even remember the feeling of reading certain books though the story has long gone. I always saw my mum reading so I guess that influenced me more than I realised too. I surprise myself – when I think about it.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling pretty good at school with all the other teachers for the ceremony. I was able to do some online searching for lesson ideas on my phone whilst they did all the Thai speeches. The atmosphere was pretty positive despite the heat. My shirt was wet with sweat even just sitting still.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
This was actually last night though the result was this morning. Last night was the roughest storm so far and it ripped up another sheet of our roof over the entertainment area. It rained so hard and heavily that the gutters overflowed and in the garage, the water was overflowing into the underside of the roofing though thankfully not into the rooms (from what I could tell anyway). There were even hailstones pounding against the windows. I found the damaged roof this morning and wondering how we can fix this. There’s nothing much that can be done about the weather except to know that it will happen again one day. Thankfully not much was damaged that hadn’t already been in last week’s storm.
Something I learned today?
I watched a video arguing that English shouldn’t be compulsory in Japanese schools because very few students succeed in learning enough of it. They were arguing that it wastes time for those students who are more interested in learning something else. It made me wonder about Thailand. My friend Fui, who I often see in House, always talks about education here. He has sent three of his four kids overseas to study knowing just how bad it is here. He agrees that students should be failed and be held back a year as other countries do rather than just passing everyone. Thailand must look good on paper but the only people it is fooling is themselves.
What is going well in my life right now?
In general, I can’t, or shouldn’t complain except right now I don’t feel particularly enthused about anything much. That will change I’m sure. So, really, everything is going well. I’m very lucky.
Pavlov’s fish. I took this picture because these fish are in the pond outside the cafe at school. Were they there before? I don’t remember. Their reaction to me leaning over to take a picture was to beg for food. Sorry fish.
I am a stupid computer An unsteady machine Each morning rebooted Memory wiped clean I make the truth Out of evaluations Processing external data From multiple sensations I am a dumb animal Programmed to suffer Reset in sleep mode Emptying my buffer
Today I’m feeling:
I woke up before my alarm, my brain already switching on and into work mode. It was also 30 degrees at 6.30 am and the fan wasn’t doing enough to keep me cool. Now, I’m a little tired, though my mind is active and busy planning for this coming story.
Today I’m grateful for:
Chatting online with a teacher from last semester that left for a new school to get a better salary. She was always nice to me and approachable for a chat. We wished each other well.
The best thing about today was:
Figuring out I could watch the Swans replays through the computer but connected to the TV. Now I can watch us lose in widescreen.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I was informed today that I will be a homeroom teacher’s assistant this semester and given a little idea of what might be required of me. This may disrupt my morning coffee plans but I’ll wait and see next week. It is likely that actually I won’t be required to do much or anything. Either way, I’ll make the best of it. I want to do my best.
Something I learned today?
I found out various things today so it seems I did learn some bits and pieces (see above). I also just received an email from Sharon answering my question about when our grandparents passed away. As I’m trying to piece together various parts of my past it helps put a little bit of order back into the chaos of memory.
What three things do I need to accomplish this week?
I need to get my body clock back in sync with work hours. I need to knock out as many lesson plans as I can for my classes. I need to get as much information as I can about timetables, homeroom teachers and getting information sent out to my student’s parents to help me.
I took this picture because the cats are melting into the floor.
It’s been a while away from writing in this book. I’m not too worried about that as I’ve been adding a lot more on the app instead but it is nicer to write with a pen. There’s nothing much to add that can’t be found written already. Today is the return to school, though it appears mostly this week will be clock-in, hang around and go home. I’ll spend some time at House doing some lesson planning though I’m a bit cautious as I’m not sure how my new versions of my plans are going to work until I actually start in the class. Whatever, I’ll figure it out. This morning I found out I’ve been assigned to M 1/7 as an assistant homeroom teacher and as Kru Wave described the duties to me I thought to myself, ‘That’s probably not going to happen.’ It all sounds good in theory but kids are not going to listen to me, even if they understand. One good bit of news is that the M1 (grade 7) classes only have 28 students which is a small improvement. I’m sweating like a motherfucker as I write this and starting to smudge the page. Well, here we are again.
Lives filled with mediocrity There’s a half-hearted yes Missed golden opportunities Because mediocre is no stress Anything that needs doing Must be done all the way And if it doesn’t feel right Then saying no is ok
Today I’m feeling:
There’s tension building in my body. Had no real problem getting up at 6.30 this morning as I prepare for battle. Slowly I will build up the discipline to fight the days again.
Today I’m grateful for:
A video call from a chatty Amy this morning as I was sipping coffee at Utopia. Amy looked cute and cuddly and I really enjoyed her enthusiasm for life. I miss her being here a lot. I’m quite happy by myself but sometimes I need her to pick me up.
The best thing about today was:
Finishing the Michael Parkinson biography and the Netflix TV series Money Heist. I enjoy the feeling of finishing something knowing that I can move on to something new. Tomorrow it will be getting back into the swing of working again and starting that whole schedule again. I already have the next book lined up, Sapiens but not sure what TV I might get into. I might not for a while as I enjoy reading more.
I also got the music playing all day again in the kitchen, something which I hadn’t been doing since Kim left at the start of this holiday. This holiday hasn’t been very enjoyable at all unfortunately though perhaps it was fortunate that Kim didn’t go in the middle of the semester. I wonder if I would’ve handled it better or not?
Soon Amy will be back here and we will change all our room arrangements again. I’ll accommodate what she needs to feel comfortable again and also enjoy the changes.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I talked to Amy this morning she asked if I had talked to anyone about getting the aircon fixed yet and I told her that I would go to the shop tomorrow and talk with them as it would be easier than on the phone. (Strangely it seemed to be working ok again last night though not quite 100%) About ten minutes later she called me back and said that she’d talked to her mum and that her mum had someone who could come and fix it for cheaper. Cool beans. I asked if that would be today and she said probably not. That was ok, whenever. Another ten minutes later she called again and said the guy wouldn’t be able to come for another two weeks so better if I just go to the shop! If you sit and wait long enough in Thailand everything twists and turns until it just ends up as it was. No stress (anymore!). I’m pretty sure that when I go to the shop they won’t be able to come quickly either as everyone’s aircon will be breaking at this time to overuse.
Something I learned today?
I saw that protesters in the UK were arrested without having committed a crime. This was due to it being King Charles’s coronation on Saturday. I think the same would happen in Thailand too.
How have I been holding myself back?
I’ve been holding myself back somewhat due to Amy not being here. As I’m here taking care of the cats I haven’t been able to go to places that I might’ve liked to, like Malaysia, again. It’s the situation holding me back as opposed to any internal thought processes keeping me down. I make the best of the situation as it is. Having said that, if I felt strongly enough I could have arranged for the cats to be taken care of and gone off for a time too.
I’ve been thinking about how much the pandemic fucked up things. I’d only been in Thailand a short while really and was still finding my feet. I was excited to go on tour around South East Asia now that I was living here, establish contacts to repeat the process every year and then it all got cancelled and with Kimi’s passing around the start of the pandemic it really took the wind out of my sails. I don’t feel like I can get the enthusiasm back up to go through the organising process again and I feel out of the loop with what’s going on around the region. Maybe a suitable opportunity will come up that will kick me into action again though I’m not particularly looking for it right now.
I took this picture because I saw a million insects on one of the stems of this plant and when I touched it they all flew off and into a flying formation where they looked static. This is my attempt to photograph them though, of course, it didn’t work but I like the resulting picture anyway.
Hot. It’s hot. This is Thailand. What did I expect? The aircon stopped working in the bedroom last night and the temperature never dropped below 28 degrees. I slept fine though. Tonight I may have to sleep with the window open and have the fan next to it, weakly sucking in cooler air from the night. In the meantime, I have to contact someone to come and fix the machine.
Today I’m grateful for:
My portable hard drives that allow me to save and move files around from one place to another. When my crusty cranky old MBP stopped recognizing one of the drives I was able to swap things around and get things running again with a freshly formatted drive. I think I may be at the point now where I just don’t need any more drives. I’ve slowed down my music consumption a lot recently and I have too many movies to ever have enough time to watch.
The best thing about today was:
A general feeling of well-being. Perhaps the only thing that really stood out was riding back from Utopia and going on a convoluted path home. The sun’s heat was like a blanket around my skin with the breeze being just enough to stop feeling crispy. I slowed down a little to savour the feeling. The mountains looked like a photograph from the 70s, all washed out due to the hazy air, enough blue sky shimmering through from above to highlight the depth.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It was time to start a new book whilst sipping coffee at Utopia so I had a quick scan of the shelves at home. I use my Utopia time to read music biographies or music-related books. Yesterday I finished Dave Simpson’s The Fallen. Now it was a choice between SNFU or Rollins Broken Summers. I opted for the latter. As I start reading I get back into Henry’s groove quickly and easily. He’s a maniac. I respect his attitude a lot. I see parallels with myself in his words though I’m totally softcore in comparison. As I keep reading I realise I’ve read this before and not too long ago. I wonder whether to ditch it and swap it tomorrow. However, the strength of the writing keeps me intent to follow along as he prepares for another tour of duty. I feel compelled to bring his attitude back into my thinking as I prepare for my own lovely little war in the classroom over the next couple of weeks. I need to get back to some discipline. Cut the flabby excesses of lethargy.
Something I learned today?
I’ve seen a few videos of people telling jokes to make each other laugh and if they do they lose a point or take a drink or similar punishment. Sometimes they are fun to watch. One popped up and the thumbnail looked like a guy I vaguely knew back in Sydney so I watched it and sure enough, Rodney Todd in all his afro-hairy glory!
What is something I can’t live without?
There’s nothing beyond air, food and water. Without other things, life would certainly be uncomfortable. It’s like people who lose everything in house fires, they find that their lives still go on. I’m thinking about Kim Chi today and how sad I still feel about losing her. But here I am.
Where are you, Kim Chi? Why are you not here? I miss you so much.
Another day of life spent in the shadow of the sun This is a wasteland of the free that I’m running from How to remain calm when surrounded by the storm? The nail gets hammered down in order to conform
Today I’m feeling:
It feels stupidly hot today. I’ve been in aircon on full for much of the afternoon. I finally felt good enough to drop a half of acid again, which probably isn’t helping with the heat for sure but it’s been a nice gentle happy dose that has seen the time cruise by nicely.
Today I’m grateful for:
The two new cups that Art has at Utopia that he uses for my cappuccinos now. They are Japanese and feel very nice in the hand and I can also feel that the coffee comes out smoother than in my old cup, which I liked too, it’s just different.
The best thing about today was:
With the little dose, I ended up playing guitar for a couple hours, until the B string broke which isn’t so bad as it will finally force me to change the strings.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Time does funny things when you’re dosed and I ended up not eating a proper meal today which is good news for tomorrow but I got by today on snacks, candy and lots of water and coconut juice. Lots!
Something I learned today?
I learned that Lenovo is a Chinese brand and heard about some of its history. I knew they were connected with IBM in some way but got a better idea of how they kind of merged parts of their business.
What is my idea of the perfect vacation?
I generally feel like I’ve been on vacation for the last five years even though I’ve been working most of the time. Would a perfect vacation involve doing some other kind of work? Perhaps. The tour I had lined up for 2020 with World’s Dirtiest Sport would have been the perfect kind of vacation as I’d arranged it to go places I haven’t been before. It would’ve been work stress and fun all at the same time. It’s hard for me to even think about vacations now. I’m happy to go anywhere and enjoy the travel but don’t really have any set ideas in my head. I’d still like to look around the rest of Asia. Europe and the US aren’t really up on my list of interests these days. There’s Africa, the middle east and Latin America out there but they seem far away.
I took this picture because a couple of nights ago whilst watching TV I heard a little whine from outside and Tangmo had come to say hello, sitting patiently outside like a ghost dog. I’m not sure if he stayed around all night as he was also in the garage in the morning.
No amount of wishing No amount of tears Will bring you back to me I have no choice I must face my fears Moving on soldierly
The Soldier Brave
I always told myself that It was you and me against the world But in reality, it was only me We stood together Until we fell apart Now I must soldier on, bravely
Today I’m feeling:
Feeling ok. I’m not convinced enough to say feeling good yet. As Amy feels recently, it’s difficult to have fun, to laugh, to smile, and to feel good.
Today I’m grateful for:
Not falling through the roof when I got up there again to try and reset the damage from last night’s storm. The wind was so strong again that one of our trees now bends in a different direction. Just as I’m writing this tonight’s storm has arrived though just rain at the moment, no wind to test the roof. We need to pay someone to come up with a better solution in the future.
The best thing about today was:
I’ve been enjoying the Bad Friends podcast on YouTube and getting into its rhythm of humour. It feels like a little celebrity gossip show and the hosts get annoyed at superficial first-world problems. It’s making me smile enough to remind me what it is like to make light of your own problems no matter how big or small.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I fell into a deep afternoon nap for more than an hour and I’m worried that I will be up late again tonight, force myself up early again tomorrow and then be tired again in the afternoon and the cycle continues. Still, this is tomorrow’s problem.
Something I learned today?
I watched some videos of folks reviewing the latest AFL video game. It looks ok though I don’t think it would be something I would play these days. Even with all this free time for the last few weeks I only played for a couple of days and that’s it. The thought of playing is interesting but the reality, not so much.
What does happiness mean to me?
Just now I was playing guitar as best I could ( which is terrible, but I don’t care) to Volcano Suns ‘Room With A View’ and singing along as loud as I could. I felt pretty happy in that moment.
I took this picture because I was greeted by these guys as I opened the gate this morning.
What are you really afraid of When you’re afraid of what you’re told? Are you really afraid of These things you can’t even touch or hold? Or are you afraid that your dreams Will crumble at the lies that you’ve been sold? Keep those dreams beside your bed Unable to sleep on your mattress of gold
Today I’m feeling:
In the morning I was tired from getting up too early so instead of an afternoon nap I went for a morning one instead!
Today I’m grateful for:
All the artists and musicians I’m currently working with on upcoming releases for tenzenmen. Things have slowed down but I’m still happy to be helping musicians make music that I really enjoy.
The best thing about today was:
Wanting to play guitar. I just haven’t had the feeling for this past month though had been forcing myself every couple of days even if just for five minutes. I did about ten minutes in the afternoon but then felt compelled to pick it up again in the evening.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Eating lunch at the restaurant I was happy with green curry salmon and a side dish of cabbage in fish sauce. I was enjoying the spicy sauce and went for a spoonful of the cabbage which I happily chewed up like the cows outside my kitchen window, grinding the vegetable into a swallowable pulp. However, the chilli suddenly induced a sneeze which I managed to catch with my hand without too much damage. But then I felt another coming and I stupidly tried to hold my nose which didn’t have the desired effect of killing the sneeze. Instead, the sneeze manifested and forced air out of my mouth along with its contents! Chewed cabbage pulp hit my hand and sprayed in a wide arc over the table and onto the floor. I quickly tried to clean myself and the table, thankful I don’t think anyone saw what happened. I picked up pieces off the floor after finishing eating trying not to show any guilt. I think I got away with it though I’m giggling and embarrassed at the same time.
Something I learned today?
Today I learned that it is Cap that pees on the folding mattress as I caught him in the act. All this time blaming Tigger; though I had my suspicions. Amy was concerned when I told her as this behaviour is often a cat’s way of saying there’s something wrong. After coffee, I can back and set up the litter tray and stick him in it and he started peeing immediately. I put a tissue under him and could see that there was no blood which is usually an indicator of some problem. Then he went and sat at the sliding door and looked out at Tangmo who had come into the garden when I came home. It was then I realised that yesterday Tangmo had chased Cap into the house and so maybe Cap was reluctant to go outside to pee and decided that the mattress was the best replacement. Recently I’ve been leaving the gate open overnight so it’s possible Tangmo has been here during the night and maybe chased our cats inside from time to time and made them afraid. I noticed Tigger being indoors more recently and I thought it was just due to the heat but perhaps it’s all connected with Mo. I wish he was a calm dog and could be friends with our cats, but we don’t have much choice as he’s not ours. I’ll be keeping the gate shut more now though.
What is happening around me right now?
I’m sitting in Tid Doi Tid Din having just finished some lunch. I needed a full food hit to keep me going today so ate green curry salmon with rice and cabbage in fish sauce. Not sure if it’s enough to buck my energy up but at least it’s a fresh range of vitamins and minerals.
I’m sitting at a corner table next to the window and near the door. Outside, cars and trucks speed past on the highway only about ten feet from where I’m sitting behind big plate glass and in the cold air conditioning. Outside looks hot and I can’t decide if I want to go to Daytripper to see if they have banoffee or not. I’m enjoying the aircon as I see students on motorbikes (3-up) at the U-turn burning their bare exposed legs in the sun or on the bike’s exhaust.
There are not many customers here but enough to keep the staff on the move. This restaurant is kind of attached to the hotel behind it from which it draws most of its custom. I haven’t been here for about three years though do very occasionally order delivery from here. It’s expensive for the students and across the highway I can see a plethora of white shirts and black pants and skirts in the local food shop with 30 baht plates.
The environment inside is appealing, a mix of modern with traditional wood finishes and floors. The wall opposite me is lined with rows and rows of bottles of wine and beer and by the door the clunky PC and keyboard that controls everything.
I took this picture because I’m treating myself to lunch today.
Made to be broken, a businessman’s dream Failure point unspoken, a money-making scheme Shiny new things, a feeling that is funny A bottom line sings when rolling in the money
Today I’m feeling:
Reasonable. I’d like to go for a bike ride but it’s so hot with high UV plus the air is still a little hazy so views from up the mountains aren’t so clear. I feel like these April holidays are kinda useless.
Today I’m grateful for:
The step ladder that I use around the garden. Today, to cut back the vine and fold back part of the roof that got messed up in the last storm. It seemed urgent as the skies darkened and distant rumbling approached but then just as quick the clouds disappeared and bright a scorching sun came out. Looks like I’ll have to water again this afternoon.
The best thing about today was:
The neighbour’s kids all came into the driveway to ride their bikes whilst I was watering the garden and they all laughed and played when I sprayed them with water. They’re all between 6 and 9 years old. Full of life and energy, full of hope.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Came back for morning coffee to find that Cap had thrown up on my old 1984 diary and songbook. Perhaps not too much damage, though a lot of the diary was written in tiny felt tip which is already hard enough to read so there may be even more illegible writing there to strain my eyes. What can I do? It’s one of the reasons I’m working to get all this digitised as quickly as I can.
Something I learned today?
The 2nd biggest bank in the US has gone under. I don’t really know what this means, like what happens next or why it happened in the first place but it seems to be occurring often right now.
What has keeping a journal taught me?
As a daily habit, it has helped me get thoughts out of my head, whether good or bad and into paper. When I review these over time they give me an idea of my long-term growth.
I took this picture because I think it reflects my disorganised appreciation and annoyance with living in Thailand. It’s messy and uncoordinated yet looks appealing and attractive. This little stream runs at the back of the shops and market on the university side of the highway. The other side to home.
1994ever 