Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

Google It – 14th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Just give me the answer
I don’t want to think
The end result the same
No waste of pen and ink

I don’t want to learn
Just want to jump the queue
Find the fast way forward
And the easiest way through

Smart enough to cheat
I’ll copy from the best
And when the time comes
I’ll just bluff the test

If I end up in the field
Painfully planting rice
I’ll remember those times
At the top were really nice

Today I’m feeling:

Smooth, content. I didn’t get enough sleep last night but it hasn’t put me in a bad mood, more like a dream state that I’m gliding through.

Today I’m grateful for:

The lady that always serves me at Oasis. She recognises me now and knows that I like to add sugar, vinegar and pickled chilli to my food.

The best thing about today was:

Relaxing a little into my classes today and enjoying the interactions with everyone. I was also heartened to receive small Valentine’s gifts from my old students as well as stickers from my current ones.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy called me and was annoyed and upset. I’d been to the hospital to see the psyche but I didn’t wait around to get the meds as there were too many people waiting. I knew I could come back later when it was quieter.

At some point, the hospital called Amy’s number because I hadn’t collected the meds. Amy’s phone diverts to her mum here in Thailand and then she calls Amy. I don’t know why no one calls me!

Amy checked on the camera and thought I wasn’t at home as I’d kept the doors all closed because of the air pollution but I was in the living room eating food and watching TV. When she called she wanted to know where I’d been and talked in an accusatory manner and this annoyed me as I was feeling very good until then.

Anyway, a little while later I’d worked my mood back into feeling positive again and called her at our regular time. She was tired and still a little grumpy so we didn’t talk long. Everything will be fine again.

Something I learned today?

I’ve read a little about a serious train derailment in Ohio that caused a huge explosion of dangerous toxic chemicals and that it hasn’t got much coverage there as the US focuses its media towards its coming war with China and having its population on board with that idea. Some reports have said that the effects of the situation are worse than a nuclear reactor meltdown!

I can feel it will soon be time to disconnect from news again soon. Everything is just seemingly fucked everywhere you look.

What makes me laugh?

Really there are not many things that make me laugh as such. I still enjoy comedy etc but that has a purpose to make you laugh. So the main thing that makes me laugh is, of course, my students. They make me laugh when they are happy and playful but also when they are angry and emotional.

I took this picture because the morning sun burns red through the haze on the horizon.

Not Succumb – 13th February 2023

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Do not succumb, my little friend
Little girl, let’s see the end
Together, hold my hand
By my bed you’ll stand

You must say goodbye to me
This is as these things should be
It’s far too soon for you to leave
Whilst there’s still air for us to breathe

The pain of living is our guide
To put our suffering to one side
To share our dreams and our mistakes
To laugh at all our mischief makes

So stay with me, my little friend
Even though we can’t depend
On each other to fix our pain
We’ll walk ourselves beyond this rain

Today I’m feeling:

Ok, though a little out of sorts

Today I’m grateful for:

All the staff at the hospital that pointed me in the right direction to find Mee. Despite language barriers, we could work things out with some words and pointing.

The best thing about today was:

The best thing today was watching Nong Fah helping Nong Ninja with his reading. She comforted him and helped him with some words. It was so sweet to watch and I was very impressed.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Getting a message from Mee from the hospital that she tried to kill herself last night was a bit of a shock. She had talked about her problems with me before but I was hoping she wouldn’t go this far. I think it was a cry for better attention from her family but it’s difficult for me to fully understand her situation.

I went to the hospital to see her and was happy to see her friend Petch there with her. I didn’t really know what to say though. It is hard to express the knowledge that life is long and can easily change for the better in the future. She really needs professional counselling but I’m not sure how easy that is for her to access.

Something I learned today?

It’s not ‘feed a cold, starve a fever’ but ‘feed a cold and a fever’ and whatever, drink lots of water.

What do I enjoy about keeping a journal?

It’s good to get stuff out of one’s head by getting it down on paper. The main thing I enjoy though is looking back at things that were going through my head previously and noticing if I’ve managed to grow and move on since.

I took this picture because as I was walking down the street these blooms stood out against the smoky grey skies.

I received a photo from Mee this morning showing her in hospital and when I asked her what happened she said she tried to kill herself by taking an overdose of pills. I’m not sure how seriously she wanted to die though she’s talked about it before, or if she really just wants to wake her family up to her mental health problems.
From what she told me before, the medicine she is taking isn’t working and I had advised her to talk with her psychiatrist about changing it.
Anyway, after my class I went on a search of the hospital and found her. Her aunt was sitting with her and Petch was also there comforting her in bed. Mee was still groggy and in pain and obviously, we have difficulty talking because of our language skills but I wanted her to know that I cared about her and to see that other people care about her. I asked her not to leave us and hoped she’d feel better soon. There wasn’t much else to say so I left, hoping she appreciates my visit.
I messaged her later telling her I would visit again tomorrow and let me know if she wanted anything.

On Anger – 12th February 2023

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Why is it cold in winter?
Why do I get sick at sea?
And why the hell do the people
In the street keep jostling me?

Today I did some things wrong
And maybe I got some things right
What can I do better next time
I’ll reflect on that each night

inspired and borrowed from Seneca

Today I’m feeling:

Good. A little nervous to get back into the classroom but it will be good to get back to it for the last five or so weeks of the semester.

Today I’m grateful for:

My step ladder and broom that allowed me to get to the leaves on the coverings of the outbuildings so that I could clean them up a little. If I want to complete the job I need to get up on the roof again. Not sure I’m quite ready for that adventure.

The best thing about today was:

My mind. From waking til bedtime my mind has been happily occupied with restful and positive thoughts. I even stopped myself a couple of times and thought ‘hey, I feel good!’ Could it be down to a good eight or nine-hour sleep? Can I convince my brain to get eight hours more often as perhaps my aim of seven hours is not serving me best?

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

All good today perhaps because I have been thinking about my classes tomorrow and how to counter the risk of them getting out of control. I’m not sure I’ve done enough but tomorrow will tell the tale.

Something I learned today?

Yesterday I learned that there is no border crossing between Turkey and Armenia. Something to do with the two countries not having good relations though I don’t know why.

Today I read Fukuyama’s The End of History essay which was written in 1989. It was an interesting read that in hindsight has perhaps been proven not to be quite as predicted. I would like to see his reflection on it now.

What brings my life meaning and purpose?

My thoughts are the only things that can bring my life meaning and purpose. My thoughts may drive me to action and those actions will be assigned meaning and purpose by my thoughts. And my actions and thoughts will be assigned meaning and purpose by others, though they may not be the same.

I took this picture because this is the friendly happy cute dog at the shop next to Utopia where I’m getting LardNa for lunch before heading to Daytripper again to hang out for the afternoon.

惊弓之鸟 – 11th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

The shadows hold wicked smiles
The potential for evil convinces
Birds startled by bowstrings
Plucked by the hands of princes

Memories engrained with fear
Of the terrible bowstrings twang
Paralysed in body and mind
In a world that no longer sang

To live in fear of life
Is no way to live at all
Fly high up into the skies
And don’t be scared to fall

Chinese Proverb
20th Mar 2024 – Submitted to #Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge Smiles

Today I’m feeling:

Reasonably content though still a little tired.

Today I’m grateful for:

The car service only costing a little over 1000 baht though I’m curious about what they actually did. At least I can see they cleaned the car.

The best thing about today was:

Spending the afternoon watching Kishore Mahbubani’s US-China relations course whilst sitting in Daytripper again. There was a group of Chinese students with books open learning Thai yet practising speaking Japanese and playing English word games. Hearing them talking reminded me of my travels in China.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Despite me sitting in the same building as where my car was being serviced, instead of talking to me the service people called Amy in Australia two times to say this thing needed fixing and that thing needed fixing. Amy would then call me asking why they weren’t talking to me to which my only reply could be ‘I don’t know!’ She was getting annoyed but there was nothing either of us could do. At least they didn’t do it again after she told them to just talk with me cos I was there!

Even with our differing languages, we could still have worked things out but they seemed reluctant to even try. No one told me anything about the work they actually did so I just paid the bill and said thank you, then left. No big deal.

Something I learned today?

Sydney is building another harbour tunnel that was originally planned to be completed by 2026 but the method of construction was changed after the project had already started. It will now complete in 2028 instead but it will supposedly be cheaper. It will be tolled too and ultimately lead to there just being more cars in the city. One day I will go back and marvel at all the changes there.

What do I need right now?

I need to pick up something to eat for dinner tonight. If I decide on something before going, the store will invariably be closed so I’ll just have to go and look around.

I took this picture because what’s not to like about sitting in a cafe overlooking newly planted rice fields during golden hour?

And Then… – 10th February 2023

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At the vanguard, the pinnacle
No longer an unknown fuzz
It doesn’t get better than this
And then it does

At the peak of the mountain
After setting the world on fire
Nowhere left to go after this
And then someone else goes higher

Supersonic humanitarian jets
Speed help to any disaster
Always first on the scene
Until someone else goes faster

Everything pushed to the limit
Achievement no longer a buzz
It doesn’t get better than this
And then it does

Today I’m feeling:

Rundown and a little bored and unenthused.

Today I’m grateful for:

The Mama noodles, egg, onion and dried protein from Oasis that formed my dinner. All the people involved in making, packaging, buying and selling and delivering these separate ingredients that made into my kitchen, my bowl and then my belly.

The best thing about today was:

I’m not in the best of moods today though purely due to tiredness. I did feel better after eating and did then enjoy reading another Anton Chekov story ‘Ariadne’ which at one point describes that deep emotional love of connection with another body that one must savour completely. I also got absorbed in another chapter of Affluenza in the evening too.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I couldn’t force myself up and out of bed this morning. I ate a weed gummy a couple of hours before going to bed last night and was maybe feeling the lingering effects of that. Consequently, I was late to get to school, which shouldn’t really be a problem this week though.

I went for coffee and struggled through adding more blog entries before heading back home and lazily watching some videos and finally hopping into bed with all cats present. I quickly fell asleep but also quickly woke up again which surprised me. I was still tired but suddenly I was no longer sleepy.

I could feel myself getting grumpy during Amy’s calling at dinner time. She was a little emotional about missing our cats and was also a little drunk and talkative. She happily talked whilst I prepared my food and ate it and I’m glad I didn’t let my own emotions take over and cut our conversation short. I felt a little better by the time we said good night.

Something I learned today?

Apparently, cats get whisker stress if their food bowls are too deep and bend their whiskers whilst eating. I watched our cats eat this afternoon and our bowls are good for them. This was information in a video about things to do to keep your cats happy. We pretty much do them all and our cats exhibit the behaviour of happy cats.

What was the highlight of this week?

Undoubtedly it was walking up to Khun Korn waterfall and jumping into the water. This week has been relatively quiet so this was an easy choice.

I took this picture because Tigger is so happy in this house. He has so many spots he enjoys lying, sleeping or rolling around. Today I had to give him another shampoo clean to help with his skin problem and afterwards he went straight out into the sun but was already rolling around in the dust and leaves.

Together We Rise – 9th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 3 Comments

Once again, I was told I was free
That I could be whatever I wanted to be
So I told of the things inside my head
That had filled me full of existential dread

Then I found that so many people didn’t agree
I was called out and threatened constantly
I never thought just because of words I said
Made people so upset they’d want me dead

I realised freedom does not mean free
What’s freedom to you is not so for me
A common line must be towed instead
If you wish to lie in a settled bed

But is it possible for us to agree
That opposition is the end of you and me
We don’t need to succumb to lies we’re fed
Together we can travel the road ahead

2nd Jun 2024 – Submitted to Ragtag Daily Prompt

Today I’m feeling:

Productive if only for household chores. Not sure I’ll be able to stay awake this afternoon.

Today I’m grateful for:

An afternoon cappuccino to keep me awake through the day but hopefully not so much that I can’t sleep tonight. I went out to Daytripper to enjoy it and watch the Kishore Mahbubani online course videos about US-China relations.

The best thing about today was:

A sense of achievement from sweeping up leaves, cutting back some climbing vines, preparing for cleaning off the roof, washing bedclothes, cleaning Kim’s room and getting everything ready for her to spend her nights in here again. I enjoyed doing it all.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’m here in Kim’s room writing this and I can see that the fuckin’ ants are out of control. I wonder if this is why the doesn’t like to sit directly on the floor. I sprayed ant killer in one corner of the room where I could see them coming and going but there must be many different colonies here all vying for their pieces of territory and the pull of Kim’s food bowl.

Kim is sitting watching me and wondering what the hell is going on.

Something I learned today?

The US voted no at the UN to make food a human right. They voted no to the Convention of Rights for Persons with Disabilities. No to the Convention on the Rights of the Child and against the resolution ‘combatting Nazism and contemporary forms of racism.’ The US sure likes to be different.

What emotion am I feeling right now?

Lethargy as my body winds down from the activities of the day. My mind though is still busy but that will soon wind down too. I also have a feeling of anticipation looking forward to jumping into bed with fresh clean sheets. My body is already experiencing the sensation, I’m looking forward to it that much.

I took this picture because new sheets, new sleeps. Almost summer.

百年羞耻 – 8th February 2023

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The body was weak with a cancer at the heart
Viruses found a way in to rip it all apart
Poison took hold and began to stake a claim
So began the one hundred years of shame

Infection spread to disable all the limbs
Antibodies form and internal war begins
Now a puppet left to play in a rotten game
Raped and tortured by a hundred years of shame

Slowly, slowly the body returns to balance
Both yin and yang improve upon their talents
Heads held higher to rise above the strain
The beginning of the end of a hundred years of shame

Now the muscles flex, the body’s lesson learned
At unity with the brain, power has returned
No matter the want, things are not the same
Since the end of a hundred years of shame

Today I’m feeling:

Content and energised. A long walk in the jungle and a dip in the freezing water under the waterfall really got my blood flowing.

Today I’m grateful for:

Aing and Now paying for my lunch which we had at the restaurant in the stream. All the food was delicious. Spicy seafood salad, Tom Yum soup, veggie fried rice, deep-fried fish and squid.

The best thing about today was:

Getting under the waterfall and having the air sucked out of my lungs. It was freezing and invigorating and I felt cosy once I got my shorts and t-shirt on again. I should sleep well tonight.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Last night I found Kim had a scratch on her head and was limping again, presumably from fighting, so I decided to keep her in again. I really want her to enjoy the freedom to be outside but she just can’t stay out of trouble. I’ll start putting her back in her room at night again from tomorrow.

Right now she’s in our walk-in where she’s content to recover as best she can. She still seems happy enough and is eating fine. Hopefully, she gets better soon.

Something I learned today?

There was an earthquake in Turkey and Syria a couple of days ago and China has already got people on the ground there helping. In comparison, the USA has sanctions in place for Syria which hampers Western allies’ possible efforts to help.

Syria is already crippled by civil war and US military involvement as well, removing their oil to be kept in a safe place ie. the USA!

I’m coming to respect China more and more every day. I just hope they can avoid getting dragged down by the bullying tactics of the West.

What is a word you feel that too many people use?

Taking this question literally, the word is probably ‘Mine.’

I took this picture because this was the destination for today. Khun Korn waterfall. Aing and Now said they wanted to come here as they never did during the time they were studying in Chiang Rai. They’d been busy until today so today it had to be. Just by chance, at school this morning, I met Kru Mai and Kru Karn waiting to be picked up and I guessed they were going camping with scouts. I asked them where the campsite was and it was also at Khun Korn! So I made sure to go and surprise my old students whilst visiting. They all told me that they weren’t having fun but it looked like they were really!

Almost – 7th February 2023

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You became the master of money
And accumulated great wealth
Became a master of muscles
And maintaining physical health
But that final puzzle piece
Is still hidden as if by stealth
Couldn’t master your mind
Couldn’t master yourself

18th Apr 2024 – Submitted to Word of the Day Challenge

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and relaxed, waiting for the sun to drop so I can do some watering again. I’m hoping for an early rainy season again but I think this year may be long and dry, unfortunately.

Today I’m grateful for:

Manus at the post office for always being helpful and friendly and trying to help me remember the Thai word for ‘registered’.

The best thing about today was:

A long chat with Amy about different ideas and plans for the future.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I had just gotten on a roll with updating more blog entries when Fui came to House and we started talking. I’m never sure how long he will stay but I decided I had no hurry today and we ended up chatting for about 90 minutes. We often go over the same things but we learn a little more about each other each time. At points, I was keen to get back to what I was doing but I told myself to relax and enjoy this time.

Something I learned today?

You can buy a cock ring called the Tally Wacker that counts your thrusts when fucking. I’m not sure if it syncs with your health devices but maybe 100 thrusts equals a calorie?

What is one lesson I am learning right now?

We’ll have to generalise ‘right now’ a little because if taken literally all I’m learning is what I can remember from ‘around’ ‘right now’!

I’m learning a little how to relax and even be bored again. This week involves a lot of TV and reading, playing guitar and listening to music. Much like many other weeks but interspersed with even less teaching than usual.

It’s taken me a long time to learn to relax and in the back of my mind, I’m confident that when the time comes necessary I will be able to get right back on my game again.

I took this picture because I wanted a different angle to look at the garden. I like this mini bamboo plant that apparently cats like to eat. Not sure ours ever do though. The leafless frangipani has more focus than the other trees near it which are also now losing their leaves. The frangipanis are just starting to show leaves sprouting through now. You can also spy the tops of some of our cacti too.

Letter to future me (sent 7th Feb 2022)

Dear FutureMe,

It’s the 7th of February 2022 and I’m sitting in the cafe, Le Paradis, next door to CRPAO, where I am currently an English teacher. It’s scout week and us farang teachers have nothing to do for this whole week. I’ve decided to clock in, show my face and go home again unless anyone wants me to do anything.

I’m feeling pretty happy these days. Amy has been in Australia for a week now and has gotten herself a job already, which she will start in March, after travelling to Albury and Adelaide first to visit friends.

Tomorrow I will go to visit Bruno and Nut for dinner and on Sunday Aing and Now will come to stay for a few days, for Aing’s graduation ceremony. She will look around the area with the intention to start some sort of business here, which is great news. It will give us a local cat sitter that we can trust!

By the time you are reading this, it’s possible you are no longer working – that might even happen as early as the end of the semester in March. Whatever happens, it will be ok, though I’m enjoying having access to almost all my income for a change.

I am still thinking too much about George and the way he is treating me but I am slowly able to push it aside, made easier by just avoiding him at work. I don’t feel anything bad towards him. He obviously feels hurt by my actions towards him, which in my mind have been fairly minimal and understated. He seems to have a higher expectation and can’t deal with that not being met. At least that’s how see it, with the little that I managed to get out of him to try and find out his true feelings.

Everything I accuse him of, I can accuse myself. It doesn’t matter. We’re just not compatible but I don’t let that interfere with staying polite.

I have written many times about my ability to keep myself (my mind) occupied and I don’t easily succumb to loneliness. I would rather be alone than struggle to maintain a difficult friendship. Perhaps this is something that I will improve on in the future but I am happy with myself the way I am. Real, good friends will find their way to each other.

Do I want to tell you anything? Just keep going. You’ve done so well to get where you are now. This year is looking bright to me, right now, with so many possibilities. Some will happen, others will wait.
I’ll go and make some music.

PS – look at your blog for this day in the past, over the years. Do you notice anything?

FutureMe – take it easy.

Ritual Of Panic – 6th February 2023

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There’s no rest for the wicked
And no rest for those of virtue
Adrift in a world that never sleeps
The feeling of dread is gonna get you

Gasps of dismay at faint sleights
A skin now brittle and thin
This ritual of panic has become
The default state to be in

Today I’m feeling:

Relaxed as no classes today but maybe too relaxed as I’m sleepy.

Today I’m grateful for:

The wide variety of food available especially on market days like today. I got some deep-fried fish with riceberry rice and chopped unripe mango covered with chilli fish sauce. My mouth is watering as I’m writing this!

The best thing about today was:

Sitting in House for 3 hours drinking coffee and adding blog entries, finishing off the old diary with my gig list.

Tomorrow I start adding 1983 entries and consider figuring out other gigs I went to after 1992 which is when I stopped writing them down.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing has needed to be completely in my control today. It has passed by reasonably uneventfully!

Something I learned today?

The French live 6 years longer than Americans on average and work fewer hours and produce one-third more than the British. I’m not sure how this was calculated, or even true, but I’m siding with the French against my own birthplace!

What do you think gets better with age?

I’m going to treat this as what gets better as I age and that is wisdom. As it should. There’s something wrong if you are not getting wiser.

I took this picture because the dry winter has ignited a growth spurt in our cactuses. They are going crazy.

The weekend disappeared in some kind of rush of nothing in particular.
Domestication took over as I cleaned up around the house as Aing and Now arrived on Sunday morning and I should at least make everything presentable somehow.
And the biggest chore at the moment is watering the garden daily as it is so dry.
Amazing how quickly months and months of rain can disappear even in winter.
I happily received a nice online order with the release of the Ad Interim album and anticipating another release from a cool band from Istanbul that approached me recently.
And, in my endless search for interesting music, I found a band called Focusrights whom I felt immediately compelled to contact though they weren’t able to commit to anything.
I still get off on the feeling of discovery of music that gets my heart pumping.

The Black Monk – 5th February 2023

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Approaching from the horizon
Shrinking as getting nearer
A cloud-like hallucination
With a face forming clearer

And words whispered soft
Agreeable to the heart
The mirage matters not
As it hastens to depart

Soon a regular visitor
To discuss things of great import
To soothe a troubled soul
Where madness is said to cavort

And to banish the monk black
Is a mistake of pure vanity
As real life makes its attack
Upon one’s prevailing sanity

So despair visits the garden
For one more forming of breath
A reminiscence of loving times
Before submission unto death

inspired by the Anton Chekov short story of the same name

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and run out of energy during the day.

Today I’m grateful for:

The water from the ground that is down there somewhere in the earth and finds its way to the pipes in our house so we can drink wash and feed our garden. I don’t understand how it works and I hope it never stops working!

The best thing about today was:

Riding my pushbike to Utopia and back this morning before it got too hot was a pleasant little exercise that my body and brain enjoyed.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The only things out of my control today were trivial and inconsequential and were handled by just getting on with it (as my mum would say).

Something I learned today?

From an online video, I learned what to do at Thai police checkpoints. Be calm. Don’t offer money but wait until the police want to deal and then negotiate. The Thai Tourist Police number is 1155. Don’t go to the police station. You are entitled to record the officer’s information and film them inspecting bags.

Reflect on a meaningful experience I had this week.

It has been nice to see the two students I helped get antidepressant medication appear to be improving, at least from what they are telling me. Another one that confides in me though still seems to be struggling. I talk to them when I can but can only help so much.

I took this picture because P’ti fled out the door at Utopia as someone came in to buy coffee. Art caught him and sat him and the bench where P’ti spied on birds in the field like a Kilroy!