The City Of The Dead – 6th December 1995

On the back of the city they ride
The demons attack from each side
Despair weaves its path
Through the warmest of hearts
Eating away at your very soul
Cold wings flutter about your face

Can you feel it?

Greed winds its way in
Through the thickest of skin
Til everyone is touched
And the big sell is a rollercoaster ride
Straight to hell

We’re all part of it

Death lurks each street
Searching for souls to eat
With a big wide grin across its ugly face
Along with despair
To lay good men bare

Have you had a taste?

Disease runs riot
When people lie quiet
Its foul stench forcing you to wretch

Can you taste it?

Madness takes a grip
Follows your every trip
Through the torture and torment of lies
The cries are of woe
As we watch people flow
Down and down into demise

Real Discipline – 19th October 1995

I wanted this to be the real thing
I wanted it to finally be the real discipline
The discipline
That I had been so well preparing myself for

I needed something to be real
I saw all things
I saw all people around me
Falling apart
Caving in

I needed the discipline
I asked myself how long
I was going to live this lie
How long was I going to let myself down
And blame someone else

Finally, I kicked through the wall
It was like a junky
Busting through the scar tissue
That keeps him from hitting
It was like slashing through the womb
With your teeth

Lies make me weak
It’s the lies that are killing me
The lack of discipline
I was killing myself and I didn’t even see it
I couldn’t even feel it
The dead painless days are over

10th Aug 2024 – I’m guessing that I had been reading a lot of Henry Rollins around this time and was struggling a little bit.

(Unfinished) Tragedy – 26th August 1995

Everyone’s life is tinged with tragedy
There’s no escape if you are alive
It comes in all different forms and faces
And the challenge is more than to survive

To face this fact with head held high
Continue forward, always striving

13th Oct 2024 – Not sure why this never got finished but what’s interesting about these words is that I knew then, the right way to live and be content but it still took me another 10-20 years to figure things out! Maybe I just wasn’t getting enough practice at the time.

Rob writes – 31st May 1995

Hope you haven’t been overdosing on all that ‘feeling’ I was trying to put down in my letter! 

I’m at work now – 3.05 pm on Saturday 13th May. I can look out of my window, and see the blue skies and the sun shining on the trees, which partially hide a few houses of Anchorage Road housing estate. The portacabin I work in though is cold – it’s in the shade of a two-storey building right next to it. 

I’ll no doubt write you more factual things next time. – like the Queers pulling out of their UK tour; seeing Offspring at Brixton Academy – going up in a chauffeur-driven transit (!) with Carl Barry, Dareen, Ashley, Rob Turne, Chrissy and a few other people; going to the Bradford 1-in-12 club last weekend with Rich, Paul J, Hohn Hartsteen, Q. Rob, Matt from Romsey, Andy from Bournemouth, Karen, Vikki and three Winchester guys; or maybe even a few words about how the band is going – we’ve got nearly five songs now and the enthusiasm everyone shows towards it is amazing! 

Did I tell you I usually get to Australia every day now – every time I write my diary up of the holiday – everything’s so clear – I made loads of notes which I’m slowly writing up – it’s gonna be an absolutely huge account!
Love
Rob

30th Jan 2024 – I wonder what Rob wrote in his diary? I didn’t remember about Rob keeping a diary but I know Rich ‘The Encyclopedia’ kept one fairly religiously. I was always curious about what he wrote!

Surf’s Up With Shaun – 1st May 1995

Originally printed in the May edition of the STE Bulletin

Sat on a train station in the middle of nowhere, with the sun beaming down from a beautiful blue cloudless (+ ozone-less) sky. What better place to sit + philosophise in these moments spent waiting for the train.

For those who are interested + I know some of you are, Bronwyn + I got ourselves married on March 5th, a beautiful ceremony amongst some of our beautiful friends (we only wished that more of you could come over to share the experience with us because we miss you all greatly).

It was so cool to have an English ambassador over, that’s Mr Rob Callen (of S.T.E. fame) with all the news + gossip we’ve been missing out on since we left. We had several great lengthy discussions, just like we hadn’t seen each other for a week or so + needed to catch up (+ we caught up pretty quickly thankfully, as time was short – time is always too short when you stop + think about it).

Rob coped really well with all the people that he had to meet + this is something that I’d like to comment on. A lot of my new friends + relations have mentioned to Bronwyn just how well I’m coping with this glut of new people. I guess it could be an overwhelming experience for some people + easy to hide away in your own little world + think that it would be easier to deal with it later + then hope the time never comes.

Now I have to say that I’ve met lots of people here, whose ideas + politics do not correspond to mine + probably the main area of possible contention is with religious ideals. A lot of people I have met (now friends + relations) are involved in their churches in one way or another + are in themselves, deeply religious. I guess this is where things have been easier for me, in that no one is preaching or attempting to convert me. This has meant that there has been no contention to speak of, despite the possibility of it. This has led me to understand that people, even people that I don’t agree with, are basically human.

For instance, while Rob was over here, we found several things that we didn’t agree on. Does this mean that I should shun him + refuse to have him as a friend? How narrow my view of the world would become – missing out on all those great ideas (no matter how ludicrous!). So why should I shun a person, a human being, for their beliefs + ideas, even if they weren’t already a friend to me – that possibility will always exist if I choose to keep my mind open. After all, I have a voice + if someone starts to become overbearing, I can ask them to stop or change the subject.

I have a friend here who I met through college. He’s Dutch, 74 + lived through the Second World War. One of the first things he told me, while explaining Australian politics to me, was that he is, what we in England would call a Tory supporter. If I’d cut off our friendship there because I disagreed with his political persuasion, I would never have heard how he survived tuberculosis in a concentration camp + how he sought to escape to England.

These stories + indeed any story you are told, are tales of life + are learning experiences. All information is learning + by purposely cutting your possibilities of information (by rejecting people for their beliefs), you are losing your will to understand + also run the risk of becoming close-minded.

OK, so what about the fascist Nazi, who beats you up in the street for looking like a ‘black loving queer’? It’s not easy to accept this point of view but step back + see the human underneath, see his weakness + find something in that person that you do not hate.

Hate is the most powerful negative emotion a person can feel + hating in return, is not going to find any real long-term solution. Put down your prejudice (including your CRASS + RUDIMENTARY PENI LPs) + open up your mind.

Just remember it’s OK to disagree but it’s wrong to hate. Hatred achieves nothing except the continuance of hatred – something I’m sure we would all like to see an end to.

Finally, some surf news to justify the column title. A cyclone hit Australia while Rob was here, the east just catching the tail end of it. This meant rain, rain + more rain – Rob only saw about 4 sunny days (it’s still warm enough for shorts + a t-shirt though) but this also led to 15-foot waves + some awesome though violent surf (which tragically drowned a man too). During the quiet moments, Rob got out there on the board and caught a few waves, Which I’m sure he’ll be telling you all about.

OK, gotta go, my train’s here – write y’all to x Alanna St, Terrigal, NSW 22xx, Australia.

(In his accompanying letter, Shaun felt certain that some people wouldn’t agree with his view, I know I (Rich) don’t share all his points + to this end, he positively encourages a reply!!)

31st Jan 2024 – I remember this walk to TAFE to study every morning, after catching the train from Gosford. I particularly remember walking behind a pretty girl that I was, one, too shy to talk to and two, still happily in love with Bronwyn. She looked like how imagined an Italian girl to look and her dark black hair was tinted to the red shone when the bright hit it. Strange the little details one remembers. I wonder what life that girl ended up having. I hope she’s happy somewhere.

Rob writes – 1st April 1995

Hi there!

I’ve just gone round Chrissy’s to show her the photos – yeah, they’ve come out and are pretty cool! (Although one whole film didn’t come out – bad news man!) 

Amanda’s going to a party today, so was really restless and punched and jumped on me all the time! And Rebecca’s gonna have her picture taken today – professionally done.

I’m gonna get a few photo albums to chuck the pictures in so I can show everybody. I’ll send you some over when I get the chance. 

My writing routine which I set myself is already shot away but I’m gonna try harder next week. Sorry for writing just about anything – there’s so many distractions – 5 minutes to scribble this rubbish, then off to Southampton post office to post this. They don’t close til 5 o’clock so thank goodness for that, otherwise you’d never get anything from me.

See you when I come over again (whenever that is!?)
Love
Rob

30th Jan 2024 – Even a slow news day was appreciated in those pre-internet times.

Me and you – 10th March 1995

For us both, this room was all that existed. The only things outside were the stars and the soft night air that twitched the golden curtains soundlessly.

Our whole world was here and in those slumbering hours before daylight, the world outside had no meaning.

The candle flickered gently, pulsing shadows to the ceiling and door. My half-opened eye registered the few drips of wax that ran the candle’s length to rest in a hardened pool on the cupboard. It felt like much time had passed though it seemed not to be passing at all. The candle flickered again.

The sweet smell of her hair caught my nose and my love appeared to me as a ghost suddenly there. Until that moment we were as one – I had not moved to feel her presence – perhaps she did not exist for those moments. And now I felt her with my whole body and soul. I felt my long arm wrapped around her, across her chest, our hands joined gently by her face. Her long smooth back rigid against my chest and stomach.

I softly kissed her neck, not with passion or haste – the tender kiss an angel deserves while resting in my wrap. Our legs parallel down the length of the bed, her feet resting on mine. I push my toe into the arch of her foot – every touch to her skin a thrill to my heart.

Ella is still singing out quietly from the speakers and I doze back to sleep to those luscious tones.

Later, minutes, maybe hours, I see the candle again – not much melted – time is not in our new world. My love stirs and moonlight catches her cheek, pale and phosphorous – the dim air explodes with stars. She turns to me and comfy’s herself to my body. Her warmth and glowing rising from her legs, through her torso, into our chest to share ’til the end of time. I kiss her forehead with the force of a feather resting on the breeze. My lips buzz spectacularly.

Rob writes – 1st March 1995

Hey, more writing space! 

I went round Jon and Selina’s a few days ago to pick up the PA that Jon used for Thirst! They’re moving to a house just behind the Jackpot cafe, where Selina works in Portswood. I think it’s next week actually. 

Basically, Dave’s been a bit of a jerk sometimes (well, only when he gets drunk to be honest) – especially with bands staying at their place. There’s been occasions which I won’t bother to go into, where Selina’s been fuming and then so pissed off with everything, and Rich said he’s not going over there again until Dave leaves and sorts himself out. 

He just gets lonely sometimes I guess, and frustrated – well, he did throw a bottle at me down the Crown and Sceptre last week – I just stormed off….

Well, that’s all the scandal for now – apart from Selina having her hair cut shoulder length.
See ya
Rob

30th Jan 2024 – Dave was always ok when I met him but seemed to be a sad, bad drunk. Sadly he didn’t manage to sort himself out and I believe he committed suicide sometime in the next couple of years.