A little tired and still with a croaky throat. I don’t feel as sick as I did at the beginning of the week, though. I didn’t sleep so well as my hips were aching again. If it’s not my neck, then it’s my hips!
Maybe I’ve been lying down too much this week, though and need to get back to moving again.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 7
Today I’m grateful for:
Receiving some of the things I ordered online today. Cat food, granola and kratom.
The best thing about today was:
I was happy to find out today that Amy’s health check turned out well. I should get mine done, too; they have a special price deal until the end of the year.
Also for receiving an overseas vinyl order, plus possible distro to Germany and Japan. I need to get back into my room and packing stuff to ship.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The plan was to go to Big C after running Amy around at the hospital so that I could get some more Duocets at the pharmacy there, but the doctor wasn’t due there for another three hours.
They told me that he’ll be there all day tomorrow, though, so at least I can pick them up then. I’m down to the last one.
Something I learned today?
Big C is stocking the yoghurt I like now, so if Makro runs out, I can try there too.
I took this picture because these seed pods are pretty unusual to me and stood out in the driveway.
Sore. My back and knees are complaining after stressing them yesterday whilst cleaning out the sink drain.
Today I’m grateful for:
The parking guys with their whistles at Makro. I don’t know why they are necessary or why they blow their whistles so much as it’s impossible to understand if it means anything. I almost ran the guy over because I had a clear reverse behind me and he was the only thing in the way!
The best thing about today was:
Spending a few hours in my room, catching up on reading, sorting music, downloading and listening and then practising guitar. I want to spend more time doing this but I still don’t really enjoy being in that room anymore.
Something I learned today?
The average age of a Ukrainian soldier right now is 43!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I followed up with Earn, asking her the same question as I did about six weeks ago – Tell me five things you like about yourself. Her answers are better than last time. Less focused on looks and more focused on feelings and emotions.
What is a happy memory from my childhood?
I’ve lots of snippets of memories that are not particularly happy or sad, just things that happened. Some may have felt ecstatic at the time such as playing football at school or tragic like the time I cracked my eyebrow open on the edge of a step but at this distance, they are just events. I consider my childhood to be memories until I was about halfway through middle school, pre-pubescent. After that, I consider myself a teenager until I was forty!
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 11. Lead the Way. When you find yourself in a situation where everyone looks at each other, it’s time for you to lead. You’re a leader when you decide to become one. There’s no initiation or a title. Just a decision.
Before going through teenage depression I thought that I could be a leader. After that though, I mostly wanted to keep my head down though I still had a selfish streak of arrogance which popped up from time to time.
Whilst doing DIY punk things in Sydney I never felt like a leader but did hope that I was an inspiration for others and I can think of two friends for sure who did take something from what I was doing and ran with it themselves.
Now, at school, in Thailand, I consider myself the same. Not as a leader but as an inspiration. I want to inspire my students to become the best of themselves. I don’t work for prizes and awards and I don’t want to be managing other adults. I don’t want to lead people in such a way as to tell them what to do. Rather than leading I just want to be doing something. Anything. Just do it.
I took this picture because this was one of the few super cute kittens that were jumping around, playing and sleeping on this spirit house at the Night Bazaar last night.
Right now you are feeling so sad and down about life. One week ago today you took little Kim to the vet where they told you she would have to stay overnight. By the next day she was gone and on the following day you buried her next to the garage.
That first week without her has been hellish. With Amy away in Australia, herself suffering the sadness along with the inability to comfort each other, it feels like double emptiness. One little cat had made such a great impact on your own little life.
You try and fill the space with Cap and Tig but their own individual personalities don’t cut it. They have their own thing going on.
Along with all this is the terrible air pollution burning your eyes and giving you headaches. When you read this it will just be a memory and hopefully you are enjoying the clean fresh air at the end of rainy season and looking forward to winter. Don’t forget this though. This shitty air will come again. Be prepared.
As the ghosts of Hellcat still haunt you, slowly this pain will dampen and I hope that all you have now are the best memories of little Kim Chi and all the love she brought to you. Like all that you’ve lost in your life – mum, Steve, Kimi – they were special.
This is hard to write. I’m sitting here in Utopia feeling a little like not wanting to go home and be surrounded by the memories. It’s the holidays now and not wanting to go out into the foul air means staying home and subjecting myself to the constant reminders of that bright-eyed little one.
I hope you are feeling better mate. Shaun from the past
Today I’m feeling:
Aching all over. Old muscles must’ve been activated yesterday. I slept well enough and woke up before my 8 am alarm but feel like today may need a nap to catch up fully.
I was dizzy drinking my coffee and have come home and got back into bed! I don’t feel sleepy, just tired.
Today I’m grateful for:
Yesterday! Despite my tired body, I feel great, especially after a two-hour top-up of sleep. Slowly I’m feeling (and seeing) the benefits of my exercise habit.
The best thing about today was:
I enjoyed playing guitar today and ended up playing for about an hour and a half. I didn’t do a whole lot of anything else much otherwise though. No exercise at all today. Give my body a chance to recover.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Around 2 pm I decided to go out to the shop next to Utopia to get my favourite dish, Lard Na, but when I got there the lady said she’d run out of the crispy noodles. She provided a solution in Thai that I didn’t understand but agreed to and waited with some trepidation. But I shouldn’t have worried because the thick rice noodles she used she had added an egg too which had gone crispy and tasty, all buried under the usual sauce, tofu and veggies I like.
Something I learned today?
I watched a couple more episodes of The Making of Apocalypse Now and understood more the parallels of the history, the movie’s story and the making of it. The crew went through their own kinds of hell to make it possible. Quite an impressive feat and one of my favourite movies.
What do I hope to achieve someday?
100? To wake up with no aches? Recognition, immortality, legend?
Complete 100% satisfaction and happiness?
I feel like I don’t have any real goals set to tick off any achievements and now I pass the mantle on to Hayden and my students. They have potentially more future ahead of them than I do and my hope is that they achieve some of their dreams and wishes.
I took this picture because this little buddy was pleased to see me again and quickly presented her belly for rubs.
What did I learn today? The student reminds themselves What do I need to unlearn And take down from the shelves? What did I forget today That must be revised and relearned? To fight against the Illiterati Some books must be burned
inspired by a quote by Alvin Toffler which I’ve immediately forgotten!
Today I’m feeling:
A little slow to go and tired. I was exhausted last night and fell to sleep quickly but woke again once the aircon switched off and due to aching shoulders from exercising.
Today I’m grateful for:
The polio vaccine that I was given when I was at Bransty First School. I have a slight memory of receiving vaccinations here every year or two and not really understanding what they were for but they were serious business. It may be childish recall but the needles back then seemed to be as thick as a pencil and as expected they sure hurt a six-year-old’s skinny soft flesh. I never knew anyone who had polio but many of the adults around seemed to and told of its blight.
Reading an Ian Dury biography today told of how he contracted polio from a swimming pool in 1949 and all the problems he suffered whilst growing up. It was not until 1954 that a vaccine was finally created and which I would be given about 20 years later.
Whilst there may be some scepticism about a fast-tracked covid vaccine I scoff at people who refuse all vaccines for whatever reason. I understand a friend’s reluctance about vaccines when her brother died after an allergic reaction to one and I’m sympathetic to that tragedy but that cannot counter all the positive effects of vaccines for the 99.9% of people who it has saved from experiencing severe health issues.
The best thing about today was:
Getting a fair bit of reading in. Some more Midnight Library, the first chapters of the Ian Dury bio and finishing the first part of the Clive James bio. I even spent some time in the hammock for the first time maybe for the whole year.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I ran out of energy, as often happens on Saturdays these days. I submitted to an afternoon nap after trying to put it off. I woke again just as it was getting dark and haven’t really woken up properly. I think I’ll be back in bed again soon.
Something I learned today?
Amy got home safely from the gay bar she was in last night. I had fallen asleep so wasn’t able to video-call and accompany her home. She also told me that her dad seemed to be doing ok and they thought there was no cancer spread though that’s not 100% confirmed yet. So long as he recovers and Amy’s grandmum can hang on then our plans she be fine to go ahead.
What situation is asking me to be courageous or brave right now?
Maybe not sure if brave or courageous might be the right words but I have to get my head around the fact that Amy will be back permanently soon. That will be a shift in routines and make me busier than these last couple of years. I’m already struggling to get things done that I enjoy each day. If I think about sacrificing anything it will be watching videos in front of the TV which is what I usually want to do to wind down a little.
I took this picture because I liked the way this ice was sitting in the glass and liked it even better with a black and white filter.
Finding a stash of whiteboard markers in the teacher’s room as both of mine ran out yesterday. I was hoping to squeeze the last drop out of them until the end of the semester as new ones are usually hard to come by at this time of year. I was surprised to come across a pencil case with at least four new markers in. I was kind enough to leave two!
The best thing about today was:
With letting the M2 kids have free time today to allow those that wanted to go to Big’s funeral I enjoyed sitting with them and watching them entertain themselves with games, drawing and dancing. I was happy to let them divert their thoughts though many of Big’s class were still subdued.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
There had been mention of some kind of conference this weekend that teachers would attend though both David and I had only heard it second-hand from other Thai teachers.
As usual, communication here is shithouse and I was quite prepared to just ignore it and claim ignorance. However, as we’ve had lots of free time with sports week and scout week I made a last-minute attempt to get information by sending a message to our department head, Kru Nu. She replied but only gave the location, nothing about times or agenda. Oh well, it’s better than nothing I guess.
The Chinese whisper is that registration is from 8am to start at 9am so I reckon I’ll get there close to nine and grab coffee at House on the way.
It’s annoying that one of the cats has sprayed on my bed right near the pillow and I was hoping to be able to wash the sheets this weekend. David also told me he had to cancel plans too. As we always say, this is Thailand.
Something I learned today?
I saw a crazy video of a train line in the US that is in the same state as the recent accident there (Ohio) and holy shit I couldn’t believe that a train could even travel on it. The lines zigged and zagged and dipped and rose and looked well in need of repair.
Later I read that there have been four derailments in the last two weeks, at least one of which also contained hazardous material. Along with a video of an overturned road tanker spewing toxic gases into the air, it’s what you’d expect in a third-world country.
What details am I noticing right now?
The powerful thudding bass from either Yerm or more likely some villager’s PA where they may be singing karaoke or Thai luk krung songs. I can only hear the thuds.
I’m sleepy and may even skip my shower. I can still smell the fabric softener in my Government Issue t-shirt despite having been wearing it for a week (though only usually ten minutes a day).
I can also smell the candle burning in the bedroom to counter the smell of cat spray on my bed.
I can hear the whir of the fan in my computer and in the power supplies for the camera system.
I can feel the crick in my neck from lying down while writing this. Also the ache in my wrists.
I’m also noticing the phone battery is about to run out.
Good night Jim Bob.
From the vaults, I took this picture last month on my bike ride. Just looking at it again now makes me want to go again!
You’re either winning or learning Embrace the struggle and pain Push through your muscles burning Get back up and do it again
Title appropriated from Robert Greene’s Daily Laws
Today I’m feeling:
Happy, relaxed and a little sore in my right side chest from when I came off the bike yesterday
Today I’m grateful for:
My aching body reminding me that I am still alive, reminding me of days past when wounds and pain were a part of everyday adventure.
The best thing about today was:
Having a long conversation in LINE with my student Mee after she told me she doesn’t know why she is alive. I talked about a lot of different things with her such as the dichotomy of control and methods of improving self-talk but the thing she really took to was different things to do to distract herself from spiralling out of control with negative thoughts. I told her about the FutureMe website and she immediately went off and her future self an email. It will give her a spark, something to live for, just to receive her own email after she has forgotten about it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Waking up in the night to the sound of one of our cats throwing up. I was just hoping it wasn’t on my donna but when I woke up unfortunately it was. Amy’s doona was still hanging from last night as well as the week’s clothes but there was nothing else for it except to wash my doona and hang it over my drying clothes and hoping everything would get a chance to dry. It did.
Something I learned today?
The beginning of the Jam’s Start is ripped off from the Beatles’ Taxman, a song I don’t think I’ve ever heard before until today.
If you could have 2 wishes, what would they be?
Wishes again? Ok, let’s play.
I have the power to grant people two wishes.
Any wish anyone makes can have no negative outcome for anyone or anything now or in the future.
I took this picture because I have to shampoo Tigger to try and clean up his skin from a fungal infection. But as soon as I’ve finished he, smartly, goes out into the sun but then rolls around in the stones which is how he gets the infection in the first place.
This week there’s music from Outside In, Deerhoof, PFM, The Small Faces, This Heat, Debile Menthol, Quizz Kidz, Magma, MC5, Lightning Bolt, The Vibrators, Unsane and The Shades.
Brain Dump
Fed cats but forgot to check KimChi didn’t eat Cap’s food. Cap’s so lovely – follows Amy everywhere. So fluffy and gentle. Kim teases him all the time and Tigger seems to hate him! Which cat am I? Tigger the hater – Kim the teaser – Cap the gentle. Which do I want to be. Of course. Be like Cap.
Half Man Half Biscuit on mental jukebox. On the ‘roids. Five-minute workout. Feels good but not yet inspiring enough to do a 10 or 20-minute workout. Don’t need to push it anyway.
I read – can I act on it? Practical things yes, but mental things? The result of performing practical things will bring me towards the mental things. I will spend my whole life doing this.
Ache in shoulder. Cateran. *
Time to watch a movie today? So many great movies. Sometimes feel like I don’t have time or concentration to watch movies anymore but that’s not really true. Painkillers or not today? Aching eye – tired from screens probably. Do eye exercises?
*reference to The Cateran song Ache from the album of the same name. I believe the line sung is ‘ache in clover’.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for getting out of bed with my alarm this morning and doing my morning routine when I could have ignored it completely. I feel good for it.
To-do list
Get up and do your routine – no excuse ✅
Drill and put up pictures ✅
Sort out visa in the afternoon
Find yoga video and Jordan Yeoh (?) video
More blog posts ✅
Easy day but went too fast. I pushed myself to wake up and get up this morning and did about 90% of my usual routine.
Went for coffee, watched the Swans game, went to Big C for lunch and shopping. Feel pretty good today.
Reading some old diary entries from 1994 seems to show me that I understood many of the things I’m going through now back then. Feels like even after all that time I still didn’t learn from it. I’m not beating myself up over it – just noticing. I need to stop thinking and reading and start doing.
The mountains at the back of our house run in valleys, sometimes into the distance or in parallel ridges. In this picture, a valley running off towards the west, and its surrounding mountains were bathed in sunshine, the bright greens bouncing into the sky.
Scanning to the left, the air turns thicker and a battle is brewing for territorial dominance. The clouds are too heavy to keep their water and it drops onto the leafy jungle, turning into wisps of mist. Dark rolls around the skies, dragging the clouds down from above, stirring a big soup with deep rumbles and sudden flashes.
This one will deliver.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be surrounded by caring people that can help need realise my potential.
Brain dump
Drain pipe fell out – who will fix? I can try but I think needs glue – we don’t have.
Social Distortion on mental jukebox for no reason other than it matched my rhythm of lifting weights. What else can I get out of my head this morning? Noisy frogs – but none outside our entertainment area now – have snakes gone – maybe?
Sore butt sitting here yesterday for too long – back – a little ache lower left – arm feel well used.
Now! Now! Now! Not the before, not five minutes – breakfast, school, videos – but now?! Surrounded by things I love – even snakes and frogs. Beautiful grey sky! Rain rain rain – not like UK. Beeping from UPS – what happened – who knows? Okay – Thai and meditation because I don’t know what’s in my head at the moment really.
To-do list
Compliment – silent wishes – smile ½
Laugh and enjoy making videos again ✅
Squats/exercise/stretch ✅
Remind yourself about listening ½
Keep up with learning Thai ✅
A bit more activity at school today as we did the video in the morning and that was fun compared with the past week or so of just sitting around and reading.
George was, to my mind, quite overbearing this morning, when he said he thought I should exercise more and that he was only saying these things because he cares about me so much. He sounded sincere in his words but I felt a little negative about it. George feels like a father figure and he speaks with authority but sometimes it has the opposite effect – as he has experienced with Bee too – and it can make people just want to be stubborn and do the opposite – or just to think ‘Stop telling me what to do’.
But I recognised these thoughts and feelings and wondered why I was so negative towards them. Just thinking about this for a while actually took away the negativity. George can be right in what he is saying and it is still ok for me to not accept his advice about it.
I also think it wasn’t completely justified as I feel quite fit and healthy these days and don’t feel the need to be really pushing myself too hard with lifting weights and working out in such a determined manner as he does.
Anyway I was proud of myself to not let it effect the rest of my day at all and was curious about my feelings.
Set up for a night with fate Seeing someone on a blind date You know it could be love or hate So excited I just can’t wait But I maybe in a state Get out before it’s too late
Wonder
Wonder stuff from the wonder boy Wonderful Wonder-full Of shit Knew everything about nothing But never failed to impress Wonderful Wonder-full Of shit Knew something about everything Something more Nothing less
Settle Down Lads
I beat up me mates At the match last week Got real pissed And a curry to eat Even though England can’t play Great Britain’s gonna have it’s day Hooliganism will lead the way Britain will be great some day Settle down lads It’s the second half Out on the streets Let’s have a laugh Kick his fuckin’ head in One-nil Smash his fuckin’ face Two-nil Britain will be great one day
Ache
Argh – good clean fun Shower – bullets from a gun Thorn – in my side Born – screaming inside I-ache Argh-ache
21 Later
When you take a test It is for courage and strength Not for trust and emotion When they are obsessed Power is length and breadth And deeper than the ocean 21 Hiroshimas later Will we have learned our lesson? 21 later
Bough
Frank Bough Don’t scoff He needs the money Selina Scott Should be shot Now that’s funny
Shame You Died (4 D Boon)
You brought love to the world Gave us some kind of hope When the chips were down You could help us cope
Not Much
Not much going on right now But they say a lot is too much I’d like to try and walk alone Don’t want your god-damn crutch
Follow That Car
High speed chase Hand to wheel embrace Sweat pouring down your face Tyre rubber burns Sixty mile-an-hour turns Crashed – caught – learned
1994ever 