Tag: Anton Chekov

Shall We Put Out The Fire? – 26th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Is there good reason to fetch water
To quell the house that’s burning?
A reason to continue living oughtta
Be something that’s worth learning

inspired by Existential Comics 487

Today I’m feeling:

A little dizzy but more enthusiastic than yesterday. I’ve stuck with the half tablet of sertraline again today and hope I can maintain it by taking tramadol in the mornings to keep me boosted up a bit.

Today I’m grateful for:

The strawberry sellers from the mountains are back outside 7/11 with a lot of juicy fresh fruit at ridiculously cheap prices. Tomorrow I’ll pick up some coconut ice cream from LungChom and get fat again like I did last year! Ok, well I’ll try not to do that but I am looking forward to that mix of ice cream yoghurt strawberries and a dash of chocolate toasted muesli.

The best thing about today was:

Finally finishing the Anton Chekov 100 short stories collection. It took about three months as I was generally satisfied with just reading one story a day and some stories were only two pages long. The stories themselves were all enjoyable to excellent though.

Liu Cixin’s Death’s End next, to finish off this awesome sci-fi trilogy.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My main computer is having problems again so I’m struggling to get some things done with it at the moment, such as using the app that I practice guitar with. I need to back up some files and reinstall the operating system again to see if that fixes whatever the problem is again. It worked last time, about 18 months ago and I hope it will work again. I could do with this machine running for a few more years.

Something I learned today?

27th Feb 2023 – I went off looking at things to consider something useful that I learned today and got so distracted that I forgot to update here.

How did I show kindness to someone today?

Apart from the three boys at Utopia (Art, Boss and Gong), I didn’t meet anyone today. I didn’t show kindness specifically, and nor was I unkind. After arriving home at 9.30am I haven’t talked directly with anyone. Except for conversations with four of my M2 students in LINE where I’ve been asking their ideas about future jobs and I have been encouraging them no matter how wild their dreams. I’ve also put suggestions forward for backup plans too.

I took this picture on my January bike ride because finding this lake was a little unexpected at the time. I came across a few like this and they looked like old rock mines and the blast holes had since filled with water. No new pictures today. It’s been dull and grey all day.

And Then… – 10th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

At the vanguard, the pinnacle
No longer an unknown fuzz
It doesn’t get better than this
And then it does

At the peak of the mountain
After setting the world on fire
Nowhere left to go after this
And then someone else goes higher

Supersonic humanitarian jets
Speed help to any disaster
Always first on the scene
Until someone else goes faster

Everything pushed to the limit
Achievement no longer a buzz
It doesn’t get better than this
And then it does

Today I’m feeling:

Rundown and a little bored and unenthused.

Today I’m grateful for:

The Mama noodles, egg, onion and dried protein from Oasis that formed my dinner. All the people involved in making, packaging, buying and selling and delivering these separate ingredients that made into my kitchen, my bowl and then my belly.

The best thing about today was:

I’m not in the best of moods today though purely due to tiredness. I did feel better after eating and did then enjoy reading another Anton Chekov story ‘Ariadne’ which at one point describes that deep emotional love of connection with another body that one must savour completely. I also got absorbed in another chapter of Affluenza in the evening too.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I couldn’t force myself up and out of bed this morning. I ate a weed gummy a couple of hours before going to bed last night and was maybe feeling the lingering effects of that. Consequently, I was late to get to school, which shouldn’t really be a problem this week though.

I went for coffee and struggled through adding more blog entries before heading back home and lazily watching some videos and finally hopping into bed with all cats present. I quickly fell asleep but also quickly woke up again which surprised me. I was still tired but suddenly I was no longer sleepy.

I could feel myself getting grumpy during Amy’s calling at dinner time. She was a little emotional about missing our cats and was also a little drunk and talkative. She happily talked whilst I prepared my food and ate it and I’m glad I didn’t let my own emotions take over and cut our conversation short. I felt a little better by the time we said good night.

Something I learned today?

Apparently, cats get whisker stress if their food bowls are too deep and bend their whiskers whilst eating. I watched our cats eat this afternoon and our bowls are good for them. This was information in a video about things to do to keep your cats happy. We pretty much do them all and our cats exhibit the behaviour of happy cats.

What was the highlight of this week?

Undoubtedly it was walking up to Khun Korn waterfall and jumping into the water. This week has been relatively quiet so this was an easy choice.

I took this picture because Tigger is so happy in this house. He has so many spots he enjoys lying, sleeping or rolling around. Today I had to give him another shampoo clean to help with his skin problem and afterwards he went straight out into the sun but was already rolling around in the dust and leaves.

The Black Monk – 5th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Approaching from the horizon
Shrinking as getting nearer
A cloud-like hallucination
With a face forming clearer

And words whispered soft
Agreeable to the heart
The mirage matters not
As it hastens to depart

Soon a regular visitor
To discuss things of great import
To soothe a troubled soul
Where madness is said to cavort

And to banish the monk black
Is a mistake of pure vanity
As real life makes its attack
Upon one’s prevailing sanity

So despair visits the garden
For one more forming of breath
A reminiscence of loving times
Before submission unto death

inspired by the Anton Chekov short story of the same name

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and run out of energy during the day.

Today I’m grateful for:

The water from the ground that is down there somewhere in the earth and finds its way to the pipes in our house so we can drink wash and feed our garden. I don’t understand how it works and I hope it never stops working!

The best thing about today was:

Riding my pushbike to Utopia and back this morning before it got too hot was a pleasant little exercise that my body and brain enjoyed.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The only things out of my control today were trivial and inconsequential and were handled by just getting on with it (as my mum would say).

Something I learned today?

From an online video, I learned what to do at Thai police checkpoints. Be calm. Don’t offer money but wait until the police want to deal and then negotiate. The Thai Tourist Police number is 1155. Don’t go to the police station. You are entitled to record the officer’s information and film them inspecting bags.

Reflect on a meaningful experience I had this week.

It has been nice to see the two students I helped get antidepressant medication appear to be improving, at least from what they are telling me. Another one that confides in me though still seems to be struggling. I talk to them when I can but can only help so much.

I took this picture because P’ti fled out the door at Utopia as someone came in to buy coffee. Art caught him and sat him and the bench where P’ti spied on birds in the field like a Kilroy!

Weil, Weil, Weil – 28th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There’s a moral obligation to provide
The more power, the more the obligation
Punish those with their authority
Cheating at a higher level of corruption

Yet these moral rules never applied
As they’d level the field for all to play
Perhaps we do not have moral principles
As Simone was want to say

inspired by an Existential Comics page about Simone Weil

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and dizzy, swaying between depression and happiness

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy’s mum and dad again, bringing me food and watering the garden when I had no enthusiasm for cooking/eating or any kind of effort. I need to water daily now as the ground is getting so parched but I haven’t had the energy for 3 or 4 days.

The best thing about today was:

Reading a lot – it was the only thing that felt satisfying. I played guitar for a while but got frustrated easily. I almost finished updating one book of writing into the blog and started preparing my old poems and lyrics so that felt like I achieved something today. For the afternoon I savoured a few more Anton Chekov short stories, a couple of chapters of Affluenza and a couple of issues of Touch and Go. I was reading to get inspiration to write some poems but my brain is still muddled from medicines though I did finally manage to squeeze out four lines.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I video-called with Amy a couple of times during the day. She had been out drinking with her flatmate and was in a happy mood. Unfortunately, I wasn’t but I told myself that I was happy to see her so happy and she did look attractive to me with her big laugh and bright eyes.

Something I learned today?

Through reading today I must have learned lots of things but perhaps they are not particularly significant as they reinforce things that I already know or believe.

What am I looking forward to in the coming year?

This is not something I’ve really thought about. I expect this year to be similar to last and that would be fine for me, I really enjoyed last year. I do look forward to Amy coming back and trying her hand at running a business here and that would entail some changes with the house and that would be an exciting development. But if that doesn’t happen I know everything will still be fine.

I took this picture because this weird plant that seems to grow easily around our cactuses (it may even be a cactus) sported some flowers I found today. The root of the plant grows at crazy angles, sometimes even turning a full 180. I’ve stuck them against some fencing to hopefully encourage them to go straight for a while!

The Sinners – 24th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Cold eyes watch the quiet shuffle
Into the box of hungry confession
A crust of bread, two glasses of water
A dogmatic ritual obsession
Mary and St John aside the cross
Glare ominous at this loathsome boy
Bowing down, accepting absolution
Returning soon cleansed with joy

*based on Anton Chekov’s In Passion Week

Today I’m feeling:

Happy though I have a runny nose and feel a little run down.

Today I’m grateful for:

My students Nice and Stamp keeping me up to date with their classmates’ news and gossip, though it made me a little sad to see them all splitting up at the end of the semester.

The best thing about today was:

Getting my work permit sorted without any waiting time or problem.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Baitoey decided to tell her mum that she went to the hospital and that I took her. Her mum then called the school to ask if they knew about this and eventually Kru Tongjai contacted me about it. She said that she has to be informed if any of her students go outside the school just in case anything happens, which I understand. The thing is that I didn’t know who I should have contacted at the time and I wondered if Baitoey would have still wanted me to take her to the hospital if she had to tell Kru TJ first. I knew it was a delicate situation and could cause me trouble but I considered Baitoey’s trust and health first.

Something I learned today?

Talking with Nice today she told me about her own battles with her mental health and showed me where she had cut herself on her arms. She also mentioned that she didn’t know what to believe about Boss and Baitoey because they have a history of being flexible with the truth. It did make me consider that perhaps they had lied to me but I don’t think so. Even if things weren’t quite as they said they are still obviously having issues and maybe not sure how to express themselves.

What values will guide my choices this year?

Fairness, kindness, understanding. As generalisations at least! What choices will I face? There are none of significance on the immediate horizon.

I took this picture because it was the last one before my battery ran out, taken at the Kasalong Restaurant, PB Valley on Saturday. No new pictures today.

Trouble At The Freezer – 2nd January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The ice cream
Was delicious
I ate it all
While you were out

Don’t be angry
Your loss is minor
And I know
You love my tummy

Despite your upset
We both know
It will
Happen again

You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecendented in the history of the world, bu then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.

James Baldwin

Today I’m feeling:

Happy, relaxed and somewhat renewed energy. I’m wondering if that’s because Amy is leaving again this week? I’ve found it more difficult to do the things I usually do when she’s not here (playing guitar, reading, listening to music ) and maybe I slipped into some lethargy and laziness, instead just watching videos online. It does feel more physiological though but I guess it’s all connected.
Today I’m grateful for:
Anton Chekov’s short story ‘Ward No. 6’. I read it this morning after my coffee and it wowed me a lot and made me question certain things. One paragraph, in particular, resonated deeply as often happens when writing reminds you of your own life. I will reread this one again.

The best thing about today was:

The ease of showering Tigger. Amy and I were both surprised at how compliant he was to get covered in soapy water. He wasn’t happy but we didn’t get cut to bits as we thought might happen. Thankfully the vet had managed to cut his nails yesterday too. Tigger feels softer again and the rough skin is clearing up too. Of course, after showering and then drying him, which takes the most time, he went into the sun and started rolling around in the dirt again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy got a little grumpy with me today when I’d forgotten to give Tigger his medicine after dinner. I called him and he came in from outside. I gave him some more food but then Amy dropped something that crashed to the floor frightening him and he ran off before I could give the medicine. I chased after him but he ran outside and into the darkness where he is impossible to see. I came back in knowing that he’d come back in before I went to bed but Amy was still complaining – to herself, in Thai, thankfully – so I just ignored it and about 15 minutes later he came back in of his own accord and I was able to nab him and give him the pill.

Something I learned today?

I’d forgotten to search Antioch Arrow until now and can’t find any meaning behind the band name though I didn’t dig too deeply.
I did learn that Hayden has applied for another job, this time cleaning. I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s never been the cleanest person but, like myself, I’m sure he’d be more inclined to better clean for other people when getting paid for it.
I know I learned other bits and pieces today but it’s a struggle to recall things. I want to be more present when learning something so I can recall things better. Or perhaps it’s that most information is just useless knowledge and hence easy to forget.

What daily habit will help you feel healthier, fitter, and more alive?

I’m old enough to know these things by now. But knowing them is different to doing them. Back on the horse tomorrow, so to speak.

Art took this picture because every day he posts a picture to promote Utopia as being open. I end up in them about once every 6 weeks. This one is really nice though with the morning sun coming through the window.

The Year Of Truth – 1st January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Is this the year that truth may be heard
Instead of a story being sold?
Is everyone prepared to stand by their word
In order that the truth may be told?

If you are not happy it’s your own fault.

Ivan Alexyevitch, A Happy Man by Anton Checkov

This is how it will be from now. As the last year ended with death, so the next has begun. Amy’s high school friend Nan’s dad died suddenly at 3am this morning.

As I saw children, teenagers and uni students’ energy from their night’s cavorts I want to warn them to enjoy life when they can but also to start preparing for this time. I never thought I would see this age but I’m glad I have and now I must suffer its death and decrepitude.

So, beautiful children, whether you are ready or not, it’s coming.

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and relaxed

Today I’m grateful for:

The people at Dasa Books in Bangkok for allowing me a few days’ grace with ordering books as I wait to get paid. I’m finding lots of interesting bits and pieces and look forward to reading more this year.

The best thing about today was:

Playing with the two little kids in the restaurant at lunchtime. They were super cute and engaging and entertained the other customers and the kid’s parents who were the owners. As it was a buffet Amy and her mum and dad could stay longer and eat drink and talk more. Everyone was happy with clown Shaun, the child carer.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Almost everything got disrupted today. We took Tigger to get a shower at the professionals but twenty minutes later they called us to come and get him because they were scared Tigger would bite them. Never mind. Amy wanted to try and clean him straight away but I said no cos I know how much trouble it’s going to be and soon we were supposed to be going out for lunch with Amy’s mum and dad. We were still waiting at midday so Amy called her mum and found out her dad was sleeping. We were getting hungry and told them to hurry up. Finally, they came and we went to the restaurant and Amy and her dad got drunk. Amy had planned an evening out but that was cancelled after Nan’s father passed away last night so instead we were off to the first night of the funeral. Even that, finishing quite quickly I was hopeful to be home in good time but Amy wanted to eat again so we’re here now at a khao tom restaurant. But I feel fine with everything, able to go with the flow much easier than before. And driving home felt smooth and relaxing like I was manipulating a video game. I wonder what it is that made this day ok for me but others not so much. Enough water, something I ate, enough sleep or the cool weather? I wish I knew.

Something I learned today?

From watching the Little Chinese Everywhere YouTube channel I followed Yan to Antakya in Turkey and learned that the people there (like anywhere I guess) are curious and friendly. There was French and Syrian influence as well as a mix of religions and so it was I learned that this city used to be called Antioch. Perhaps tomorrow I will learn what the Antioch Arrow was…?

What goal would you like to accomplish this year?

I’d like to recover my fitness and still get to 75kg this year. Having covid seems to have set me back on this in 2022… or I’m using that as an excuse. I think I’m getting a little less tired now though it seems to catch up with me by the end of each week. I hope to push on through again, get back into the routine and exercise habit again.

Amy took this picture because I asked her to and also because it’s not easy for me to see what these tattoos look like. Anyway, the idea was to post a picture on the Nomeansno Facebook group but my post was declined because I don’t have a picture in my user id. I haven’t had one for a couple of years now since cutting back on using FB and I do understand the reason the group rules require users to have pictures but still I was looking forward to showing off. Haha. I also realised that this tattoo is now ten years old already. I also wanted this picture because I’m considering getting the dancing punk covered up with the cover art from the Birthday Party’s Junkyard and wanted to see how feasible it might be. Also, if it is what I actually want.

Tall Poppy – 10th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

At first, we like a winner
Until boots are filled too high
The smell of musk becomes too much
And needs to be demoted to ordinary guy

Nothing really belongs to us but time, which even he has who has nothing else.

Baltasar Gracián

Today I’m feeling:
Lethargic
Today I’m grateful for:
Samuel Beckett (again). I watched about half of Endgame with Michael Gambon and though was enjoying it very much it just made me think that reading it would be a better experience. Its absurdity is very English and reminds me of Vivian Stanshall, Gormenghast and Cacophony-era Rudimentary Peni. Philosophically dark and disturbed, tinged with my favourite laughless humour. I’m grateful to be English!
The best thing about today was:
Reading Anton Chekhov’s short story called A Happy Man. A simple text with a very obvious ending but the set-up was nice and satisfying. I think I felt comfortable knowing what was going to happen and enjoying the happiness of the happy man in question. It’s a reminder for us to be happy in our times of distress and discomfort.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I woke up tired and though could have spent the day productively resigned myself to a three-hour afternoon nap. It was a nice day to have been doing something but I found myself absorbed in nice dreams. I wondered if it was possible to just keep dreaming after you die.
Something I learned today?
I learned about a friend and their story (though told to me second-hand) and can empathise with their behaviours which I dislike. They are in a situation which is a little similar to one I have experienced a couple of times in the past and was difficult for me to deal with but I know now how to avoid arriving there. It’s not really my place to offer advice though I will try to help by perhaps directing their thoughts to other things instead. Distraction can be a good use of time as things may sort themselves out without any action necessary.
What’s the weather like?
This rather dull small talk topic I mention often when writing perhaps because it is still curious to me. Growing up in England the weather was strangely important, maybe it is everywhere. I’m nostalgic for the extremes of English days as they would bring excitement to the mostly dreary bitter days. Now I’m living in opposite-land though more often comfortable at a lack of having to consider what clothes to wear. This morning though I was slightly bleary-eyed, sitting in the sunrise and considering how perfect this day was. I felt awesome.

I took this picture because sometimes the things I plant are out of control. I like this tree at the front, I’ve never seen anything like it and have no idea what it is. Its branches grow in weird directions and its flowers are bright red. Amy wants to cut it back but I’m interested to just let it be and seeing how it develops. I know we’ll probably have to cut it down completely at some point if we build more. Behind are the trees Amy’s mum planted before we built anything, now tall and wide and the tallest is now completely overwhelmed by a climbing plant that has a smallish beginning down by the entertainment area. Again, I’ve let it go wild and enjoy the excellent shade it gives and the gorgeous fat buzzing bees its flowers bring but there’s a chance it will stop the tree from getting enough sun. I figure I will cut it soon though it will undoubtedly make a return.

Blues Understanding – 7th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Confront suffering
By making peace with the world
Whilst fighting against it
Embrace it wholeheartedly

Structure, inseparable
Death and suffering
Within lies freedom
The contradictory idea

Accept injustice as real
And never stop fighting against it
Every path is correct
With the blues understanding

1st Jun 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Colour Challenge

Your complicated parts are your best parts. They are what make you interesting and special.

Tarzan Kay

Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
Google Drive and being able to store my files for lessons there and then to adapt them to suit my schedule and plans. Having this in place has made life more flexible for me and waste less of my precious time.
The best thing about today was:
Being back in the classroom, into the thick of it, enjoying what little control I have over my students. I’m sometimes surprised they ever listen to me at all. A good start to a three-day week for me.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I discovered about ten of my students did nothing for my class yesterday and when I discovered that they had the ability to do it but just that they didn’t even bother I was a little frustrated. In the end, I pushed, prodded and encouraged them and tried to show them that with a little effort, they could achieve more. I didn’t let frustration overwhelm me.
Something I learned today?
I learned that Nay at House is 30 years old though she could still get away for 19. With her poor English and my poor Thai, we used Gui as a translator and expressed our opposing opinions on fair and tan skin and our reasons for them. No deep insights from this exchange or anything standing out especially today though I’m trying to force myself to recall things that I have read in previous 24-hour periods and finding it a struggle. I was desperately trying to remember the Chekhov story I read last night which inspired me at the time and eluded me today. Coincidentally, it loosely ties in with today’s prompt about earliest memories as the story, Grisha, was about seeing the world through the eyes of a toddler.
Write about your earliest memory.
I’m not sure about my age with some of my memories but they revolve around being maybe from 4 to 8 years old in Whitehaven and I have a few different memories from then and can’t pinpoint which would be the earliest. I also know that I lived in a small hamlet called Blencogo before Whitehaven and I have a vague recollection of the house and garden there but can’t be certain I’m getting them mixed up with other memories, including one when visiting around that area in my mid-20s. I will write more about my early memories at some point.

I took this picture because this is student Amy being smart and thinking that no one will be upset by giving the wrong finger. I threatened to show her mum but she said she was not scared of her mum, so I said I’ll show her dad who I have met before and she was a bit more concerned about that! It was all in good fun though and Amy has grown up a little in the last few months and is very capable of doing my work.

Rose-Tinted Tears – 21st November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Not understanding consequences
The future impossibly vast
Fire the only guide
With no lesson from the past
Naivety is nature
For kitten and the pup
A world set in wonder
To drink from this cup
Bitter-tasting tears
Wiped from cheeks so red
Whispered-coated rumours
Of words perhaps not said
Blind lead blind in battles
Swords laid to the heart
Voices deepen in anguish
As the youth set to depart
Wisdom-thickened skin
Hardened by the aches
Practised and repeated
Then learned from those mistakes
Where did they go
Those sadder lonely days?
Reminders of a time
Enjoyed in so many ways.

The truth I believe is that silence – like darkness – is a little unnerving but unlike darkness, the apprehension comes not from the fact that it conceals but in that it reveals.

Thomas J Bevan

Today I’m feeling:
Exhausted, a little happy but a little down.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy being back in the kitchen and cooking up a storm. Before we got home we went shopping and found some vegan pork belly cubes and Amy cooked them and they were delicious.
The best thing about today was:
Chilling at House after a reasonable first-thing morning class. The kids were fairly well-behaved and most got their work done. I got a few things done whilst drinking coffee and enjoyed relaxing.
What book are you reading right now?
Quite a few different ones but the main one is 100 Selected Stories by Anton Chekov. Only just started yesterday but the first two stories were great.

I took this picture because everyone loves a chilled dopey dog. Tokyo can get pretty bitey but I’ve learned to keep her happy and she’s often found like this.