“One of the marvelous things about poetry is that it’s useless. It’s useless. ‘What use is poetry?’ people occasionally ask, in the butcher shop, say. They come up to me and they say, ‘What use is poetry?’ And the answer is, ‘No use.’
“But it doesn’t mean to say that it’s without value. It’s without use, but it has value. It is valuable.
“And the first people that dictators try to get rid of are the poets and the artists, the novelists and the playwrights. They burn their books. They’re terrified of what poetry can do. … Poetry encourages you to think for yourself.”
The picture is from the Drawn and Quarterly book by Anders Nilsen ‘Poetry is Useless’ – I’d like to read that one day!
25th Mar 2024 – Although I didn’t really write much myself here I submitted this to the Living Poetry page.
Return Voyage
All the striving, the work, the living Has brought me to my lifelong dream What now that I have nothing to be giving Just floating by, on my way downstream What for me? A challenge, just because? The journey is far better than the arrival A brain stimulation, a stress all a-buzz Life – is it anything more than my survival? A challenge now I must myself set To instil my life with some meaning I’ve found myself before and never forget I must no longer neglect my dreaming A journey like this may only be complete On return to the place that I came Those from which I ran in defeat Though I know I will never return the same
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to the colony of ants that ingeniously built a huge nest behind our washing machine without us noticing. It’s amazing to see – they bought in bits of mud to build the nest, millions and millions of tiny pieces to make a huge pile in the corner. Unfortunately for them, we are going to remove it this afternoon!
Woke up early and thinking about school and teaching. Maybe I don’t need to push so hard – I don’t want to be thinking so much about it. But I enjoy it and get a kick out of watching kids grow and learn. Why I didn’t do that for Hayden? Guess I did what I could. Circumstances didn’t always help.
Fatman Report
Weight: 79.1kg Resting heart rate: 54
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for access to YouTube to be able to watch interesting and thought-provoking videos. It’s my own private learning.
Back with the ants. Life seems to be involving them in one way or another as each day passes. I guess we gotta share this place.
Another visitor we will be sharing time with.
One dinner time, as Amy was preparing some fabulous dish that I forget now as it’s not really relevant to this story, she told me to serve myself and heat up some rice from the fridge. I grabbed the container and a plate and went to the table, plied the lid off and saw little black dots on the rice which looked like it may have been mould. I decided to wait. In Amy’s parent’s house, copious amounts of rice are made daily, whether it’s used or not, some kept out, some in the fridge and a fresh lot in the rice cooker.
I called out to Amy and said there was ‘black stuff’ in the rice. She asked if it was mould, and I said maybe or maybe ant eggs. She came to have a look and declared it was just tiny ants. That’s ok then. I picked around the black bits as best I could. Amy estimates she would have probably eaten well over 10,000 ants by accident in her lifetime.
The following night Amy’s dad offered me a dish of red ant eggs with veggies to which I declined. I also spied the tub of rice from the fridge and noticed that one of the tiny ants in there was still moving. I bet those things can live all the way through your body.
The ants are everywhere in Amy’s parent’s house, anywhere where some form of food can be found, though not sure what’s in the bathroom that entices them, maybe flecks of toothpaste and dead skin. I’m wondering how we can keep them out of our house.
Which leads me to the second ant story. As I was watering the garden I’ve been pulling out weeds, loosening the ground with water so I can pull up as much of the roots as possible. I find this strangely satisfying. I’ve been careful to look out for snakes and other little beasties and then I came across an ant’s nest, less than ten feet from our kitchen.
The ants were possibly disturbed by my watering but were running around in a bit of a tizzy, some of the carrying stuff that I couldn’t quite make out. I went and told Amy about the nest and she didn’t think much of it at the time saying if we need to we can get rid of them with ‘chemicals’.
So I went back to watering and weeding, noticing that the ant action had died down mostly, with just a few scattered wanderers scurrying about. That was when I felt an almighty sting on my finger as I was pulling up a weed. I let go of the weed and pulled up my hand to find one of these little bastards attached to my finger. I quickly brushed it off as the pain intensified and I wondered if I needed to go to the hospital or something serious like that.
I pissed and moaned for a bit and carried on watering and after a while, the pain subsided. It did make me think though that if a bunch of these ants had decided to climb up inside my shirt or shoes, that would be something a little more worrying and potentially dangerous.
Later, Amy saw a picture I took of the ants and proclaimed ‘Oh those ones are nasty – we need to get rid of them’. We’re looking for ‘chemicals’ now.
PS – the feature picture isn’t connected to this post. It was taken when I managed to duck out from Amy’s parent’s house on my pushbike. I enjoy just riding around the small sois (streets) nearby and getting lost before finding my way again.
12th Mar 2023 – How cautious I was at the time, still not knowing what was dangerous or not. Now, ants and lizards, in and around the house, are just normal. We never did get any chemicals.
Another busy week of back and forth. I’m slowly getting into the rhythm of the hours and the days. A weekly rhythm is illusive still but that’s fine, most days I have no idea what day it is. It’s a big change from sitting around in an air-conditioned office, staring at a screen for 12 hours at a time, though I do spend a bit of more time looking at my phone these days.
One time last week Amy came to me laughing after having talked with the electrician at our house. Apparently, he had heard, from someone around in the village, that I was a professional football player from Australia! I can guess that this came from the village store where I’d been a total of once at that time.
I trekked up there again to buy beer for our workers after one long day where I did a lot of back-breaking weeding. There’ll be more of that to come for sure, barely scratched the surface. Anyway, I managed to convey that I needed 12 cold beers and that they were all for Amy, whilst I was just having a yoghurt drink. They complimented me on the house and then said how hot the weather was. Well, it’s small talk but I’m getting there slowly when I’m allowed off my leash. I wonder what gossip that visit generated as I trudged in in my boots and sweat-ridden clothes. We shall see.
Talking about being let off the leash, whilst I’ve been happily driving around in Amy’s mum’s car, or dad’s truck, I was granted permission to ride the motorcycle. Usually just at night when it’s quieter and we never go too far anyway. Amy had been riding with me on the back and I think she was finding it hard to control with the extra weight, better to let me ride instead.
I think she almost changed her mind on the first few runs though. The motorcycle is somewhat dilapidated and the front brake doesn’t work at all. It took me a while to master the gear changes, whilst also using the gears to brake half the time. I decided we’ll get an automatic bike when we get round to getting our own. Much simpler. I need simple these days.
Sometimes, Tigger is chill. Sometimes.
The weather has been pretty good as far as I’m concerned. Even on the hot days, it wasn’t too much of a bother but I know it will get much more sticky and hot next month. The evenings, as the sun is setting, are perfect. We rode out to the old airport where folks young and old walk, run and ride up and down the runway, to get a bit of exercise in. Has to wrap up before the sun disappears though as there is no other light there at all. A few vendors have figured it’s a good place to make some money on water and various other drinks.
We walked past a group of about 30 teenage boys playing football, shirts vs skins, and I watched them for a bit, noticing the topless fat boy at the nearest corner. A few seconds later the ball came his way with a long floating kick from midfield. This was his chance for glory. But he had his back to the ball and facing towards us. His team all screamed at him, ‘Fatty, wake up and stop checking out the farang’s wife’, talking about Amy. Everyone laughed and we kept on strolling.
We met up with Goi, one of Amy’s old school friends, as we were walking and they chatted whilst I called up my cousin Sharon to see how she’s doing back in England, now that things are not quite so frantic with her looking after my mum. She asked if I felt bereaved and I said I didn’t really, things have just been too busy to even think about it too deeply, though I was always reminded of mum whenever I took photos of unusual plants and flowers. Sharon said to send them to her instead which I had planned to do anyway.
Later, when Amy and I were having dinner, she told me about Goi’s life and her worries about health, money and the future. Similar to another friend who is also raising a child, around 8 or so years old each. We are sympathetic to their situations as they ask about ours and why we don’t want kids. For us, the answer is obvious, we don’t want to have the same worries and concerns that they are now having. For some reason, it doesn’t make sense to them.
After the football incident, we are also constantly discussing the fact that some people around they city stare at us – a lot! We can understand people’s curiosity but some people literally gawp, mouth wide and follow us as we walk past. Foreigners are not that uncommon around town or even out in the countryside these days and we think maybe it’s because Amy doesn’t look like the traditional Thai girl a lot of foreigners seem to go for. I decided that next time it happens I will softly say in Thai, ‘Excuse me, what is it that you are staring at?’ The only downfall to this plan is that if they answer, I probably won’t be able to understand.
Whilst our garden is a constant battle against weeds, our next challenge will be the constant battle against insects, particularly, ants. Ants are everywhere in Amy’s parent’s house. Whatever is built they will find a way in. I don’t have anything against ants, as far as I know, none of them are dangerous, the thing that freaks me out with them is that sometimes, in low light and I’m not wearing my glasses, it looks like the walls or floor are moving and I’m reminded of tripping on mushroom tea. And it makes me want mushroom tea! The ants and the weeds will take over this world. They are unstoppable. We planted 5 small Jacaranda trees this week. Fingers crossed they take root, survive and maybe in a few years time even flower.
Industrious and hard They get everywhere They’ll float on your drink They’ll get in your hair Armies of ants Coming from their nest I wish I was an ant I think ants are best
The Week That Was
Record of the week: Protectors – Macintosh Man (live), Spizzles – Scared
18th February 1985 Went to work. Was all right. Mike’s not here – good. Beat Ian at darts. Found out Subhumans is on Frinday – same as Void. Tried to organise getting up there. Alan (J+J) told me about rooftop Hotel gig on April 9. Went out but no one was about. Have to give out leaflets at YC (Wimborne) if I see Subhumans. 6
19th February 1985 Got up and pulled a muscle in neck. Went to work for morning but comae back at lunch time – it’ll have to get better soon. Went to sleep for about half an hour. Stayed in tonight. Can’t remember anything else about today. 5
20th February 1985 Didn’t go to college but went to Wimborne. Drew some money out. Tired to find Wayne. Didn’t. Went to Poole. Won 6 quid at amusements. Went to Setchfields. Bought 6 LPs, 1 12″ and 1 7″ for 4 quid. Went to Our Price – got a couple more records. Got bus back. Mum brought me home. Sung for a while. Scott came in while doing so. Went to YC. Vicki Hiscock was there and not with Jasper. 7
21st February 1985 Went to work. Brian was doing bulk. Fucking lifting off GGL-4 windows on me fuckin’ own. Day went by without anything happening. Piwi went home cos he’s ill. Went down Gaunts at night. Me and Muz and Burt thought we saw a burglar. So me and Muz looked about. Jasper came out. Saw some weird lights and shotgun noises. Pretty weird. 6
22nd February 1985 Today was pretty boring. Did a fucking hard test. Piwi wasn’t here. Martin and Largey went home. Rung around to find out if gig was on tonight. Got bike back at last. Went to Wimborne. Void aren’t playing. Met Ian – went down town.Wayne Lovell threatened to beat me up. Went to Football Club. Protectors were ok. Sold 2 singles – which weren’t bad. Simon Toms joined Royal Marines. 6
23rd February 1985 Went to town with tape recorder. Put couple of posters up. Drew money out. Wayne had had an accident so I still ain’t seen him. Got 2 videos out. Came back. Pissed around down Gaunts for a while. Played tennisn with Jamie and Bennett. Went down Muz’s. Got money back for videos by charging everyone who came in. Warriors – good. Quadrophenia (seen it before). Fuckin’ foggy tonight. 7
24th February 1985 Took videos back to Wimborne. Went down Gaunts. Japser’s being a shit. Bennett’s been fucking around on my bike so I’m gonna get him. Pissed around up at the common. Got done for being on private land. Went back to Gaunts. Jasper came out but just stood around. We pissed around though. Came back at 5.30. Had a bath. Invasion of the Body Snatchers is on tongiht but fell asleep. 7