Tag: argument

Melt – 7th March 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

No melt off
Here in the tropical East
Hell’s getting hotter

Submitted to Haikai Challenge

Today I’m feeling:

Exhausted despite a long sleep.  I don’t feel good after arguing with Amy last night.  Amy also doesn’t remember some of the things we discussed last night but just remembers that she’s upset.  

She forgot part of our plan this morning for taking Cap to the vet and heading to get the truck first.  It was annoying to me as it triggered another argument last night and yet was forgotten by the morning.  

I feel dumb even writing this down.  

I should be more patient, more forgiving, more understanding.  I should be better than this and I don’t know why I behave the way I do sometimes.  

As I was drifting off to sleep last night I was reminded of what I told Baipad when she was having problems with her mum, that we ‘save our worst behaviour for the people we love the most.’  I want to change that.

Today I’m grateful for:

My job and this school, today organising a great graduation event (at least after all the boring parts were completed anyway) for grade 9s and 12s, some of whom we won’t be seeing again.  

I could feel that the students were in a celebratory mood but also with a slight tinge of sadness as life will change for them all in the next couple of months, whether moving on to university, high school or a job.

The best thing about today was:

Definitely the atmosphere in the school.  It was a relaxed party time for everyone.  

I had a lot of fun with some of my monkey students and couldn’t believe what time it was when I thought about leaving.  A few kids were also keen to introduce me to their parents. 

Days like this make the grind worthwhile.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Only a couple of minor and inconsequential things that were easily dealt with.

Something I learned today?

Starbucks is having to lay off workers as the company is being boycotted for its support of Israel.  Good.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I took Amy (and Cap) to pick up her truck and she will take Cap to the vet.  Between us, at some point today, one of us needs to pick up her mum from the hospital and take her back home.  

If I’m available then I will do it, no problem.  However, as today is the M3 and M6 graduation ceremony I don’t know exactly what times I will be able to get out.

What moment from today do I want to remember?

I want to revel in the happiness that my grade 9 students were feeling for completing their first three years of high school. 

It hasn’t been easy for them or us as teachers as they were particularly affected by pandemic restrictions and having to study online for much of their first semester together.  It took them longer to bond and get into the swing of studying once back in the classroom.  

I can still remember them and their immaturity, slowly changing into young men and women, slowly figuring out their places in their world.  It’s a fabulous feeling and I really enjoy watching it.

Some photos will help me remember too.

I took this picture because Sarah is the funniest monkey. She was a problem to deal with in grade 7 but she found her way and can still have fun but also learn some things too.

We got that attitude! – 10th March 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful to my students this semester. They made me laugh despite driving me so crazy!

Now, you’re in this argument. In the middle of it, take a deep breath and ask yourself ‘What do I want right now?’ My hunch is the answer is NOT ‘I want to argue!’

To-do list

  • Just Dance
  • Mark exams and complete grading ½
  • Record TCRAH
  • Meditate (Inner Engineering)
  • Sort more CDs (about halfway done now!)

I ate a lot of blue cheese yesterday and it woke me up during the night with bad diarrhoea so I ended up sleeping almost until midday.

After lunch, I started marking exams and it was around 7 pm by the time I finished so didn’t get many of the things done that I wanted. However, I feel like I still achieved things and completed tasks that had to be done.

I enjoyed marking the exam and thinking about all those different personalities in my class. It really sucks that the system has let the students down but it is what it is. I have to figure out a way to find myself happy within it.

I thought today that I can’t change the world – the ideal of youth – so I can only change myself.

Tomorrow, I hope to dance!

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #23 – 1st February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Music from 65daysofstatic, Stormy Six, The Controllers, Kerosene 454, Jawbreaker, Die! Die! Die!, Death, Minutemen, Beefeater, Red Cross, Necros, Hanadensha, Versus, Au Pairs, The Paper Chase, Blast, Soul Inc.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see my friend Fern again.

Take a good hard look at people’s ruling principle, especially of the wise, what they run away from, and what they seek out.

Marcus Aurelius

Weight: 80.3kg
Resting heart rate: 44

To-do list

  • Record TCRAH/upload. ½
  • Put together card for Kru Noon.
  • Do more drawing practice.
  • Do the Coursera meditation. ✅
  • Enjoy evening with Amy, Aing and Gus.

Well, looking at these five challenges it seems like I didn’t do much yesterday!

I did spend a bit more time reading as I was diving into the book about a girl’s abduction and trying to imagine myself in her position. I wanted to try to write down being there and all the thoughts going through my mind.

Later, I compared it with being a prisoner within your own mind – a place we can never escape.

I sorted out more CDs and feel that that task is getting closer to completion.

By the evening and time to go out, I was feeling very relaxed and happy.

As we were driving to the evening festival Amy got upset because I didn’t drive the way, the direction, she wanted. Her anger got more and more and I felt very embarrassed in front of Aing, Gus and Nu. There was no real need for it and I tried to brush it off as best I could.

Unfortunately, I was only able to do this for a short time until I felt sadness and anger too. I had to go and sit by myself for 5 minutes and calm my mind. I felt better when I returned but by then I was exhausted. Amy had a few beers and was happy though I was worried that she would drink too much and start getting violent with me again.

Things were ok though Amy was getting louder and I just felt like I wanted to be somewhere quiet. The noise of the festival was relentless, from every direction and incoherent. It gave me a headache. I tried to constantly talk myself in a positive headspace but it just got worse as Amy loudly tried to put me down in front of the others again. I couldn’t/didn’t want to have an argument in front of others and Amy knew this and used it to her advantage.

We got home and things had calmed down until Amy came and started on me again. I was tired and cranky by this point and bit back and we went to sleep unhappy with each other. I feel like there is something else behind this behaviour, not just a desire to try and control me.

I’d like to talk with Amy about this but will have to find the right time and try not to just get into another argument.

Something else that has been bothering me is Amy always talking about how all the money is with her and everything is in her name. At first, it was just a bit of fun but I’m not amused anymore. It feels like a fascist hold over me. I’m ok for her to take care of all that stuff but I don’t need reminding of it every week.

Again, I think Amy is not happy these days and doing these actions to compensate. I’d just like to see her happy and positive again – preferably without alcohol.

I’d rather be happy than right this time – 1st February 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It was a shock to me, so wound up and heart rate spiralling.  I could feel myself losing control, unable to think clearly and put the words together succinctly.

Mostly, I am very calm and chilled.  Most people’s drama and excitements don’t affect me much – they often seem so petty and inconsequential.  I am not a fan of conflict – I just can’t deal with it calmly.  I recall a particular instance of being accused of always running away when I get into an argument with my then partner.  Damn right I did, she was way smarter than me and could still put together a coherent thought whilst screaming her disapproval at me.  I had to run away and calm down before putting out an olive branch of regret.  Sometimes too early, and I had to run away again.

But, sometimes, in a couple of my work roles, I have felt the need to stand up and say my piece and call out the stupidity I see around me.  And so it was yesterday.

The circumstances are not particularly relevant because, of course, now, I can also see how petty and inconsequential they are.  What stood out to me in the post-conflict situation was how I felt and I struggled to deal with it.  I took a walk and called Amy, though I didn’t discuss what happened with her, just needed some soothing re-assurance of normality.  I checked my heart rate and that was still high, even about an hour later.  I wasn’t re-living the event and going over it so much, cos I was right, goddammit!  I think perhaps I was concerned about the possible escalation and continuation of the conflict for the rest of the day but that never eventuated.

Of course, as I slept that night and occasionally woke, that is when I started replaying the events in my mind.  And the titular lyric came into my head.  Now, if I could just put it into practice!

I used to think that justice had to rule for happy lives, but now I’m not so
Sure at all

…you’re either wrong or right and life will go on either way, whatever
You chose….

Weight: 85.9kg
Resting heart rate: 50