The golden age has been and gone We danced those glorious times away Left exhausted after the final song The fat lady now has nothing to say
Revival is just a nostalgic fail That feeling cannot be repeated At least alive to tell the tale Yet feeling sad and defeated
Today I’m feeling:
A little tired and unmotivated for most of the day. A good reading day. I feel like I might be able to force myself to do a little workout after talking with Amy and before eating something.
Today I’m grateful for:
The tool (name unknown to me) that was lying around the garden (used previously to try to break down the termite mound in the front corner of the garden) which I used to dig out the tough grass that the gardeners were too lazy to get out from in between the bricks outside the kitchen. The temperature around 5 p.m. is nice now so I’ll try and do a little in the garden. This ended up replacing my exercise for the day.
The best thing about today was:
Reading Clive James’ biography about his childhood in Sydney. He lived in Kogarah which is just a suburb away from my first Sydney home in Allawah. Although I only recognise a few of the places he talks about I can get a feel from my own memories of the area.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My motivation was lacking today and whilst I did a few things I hardly feel like I accomplished anything. I suppose I don’t need to feel like I accomplished things but I often feel like there are lots of things I could enjoy doing but can’t push myself to get up and go.
Something I learned today?
The city of Birmingham in the UK has declared bankruptcy. Things don’t seem too great there at the moment.
What are the most important moments in my life?
Boiled down to basics this would be moving countries and meeting the girls that I would spend my life with, for better or worse.
My old friend Fatty would often criticise me for changing my behaviour when I had a partner and from his perspective, I’m sure there’s some truth to that. I guess because of my father dying I felt my life was missing something and subconsciously knowing that one day my mum wouldn’t be there anymore, I held on closely to my girlfriends.
In my mind, I can kind of divide up my life into who I was with at the time. These people are obviously important to me.
I found this picture online because I was chatting with Baipad about pets and she said she liked border collies. Smart dogs. I still pine to have more animals but not knowing what the future holds makes it difficult.
Where did your confidence go? Now is the time that matters When the body began to grow Your self-belief just shatters
Open for manipulations And unable to see your abuse Dealing with the situations When you think that you’re no use
Ahead lies a trail of tears Never knowing where it’s going Unless you overcome these fears That are stopping you from growing
inspired by a struggling student whose name may translate to something like ‘blade’ or ‘propeller’
Today I’m feeling:
Tired and stuffed up. Last night I was getting a sore throat but that seems ok today. Now it seems to have moved into my head. I didn’t sleep well and when my alarm went off I sent a message to my students that I wouldn’t be at school and went back to an extra 3 hours of bad sleep. My body is aching from all the exercising I’ve been doing too, maybe pushing too hard (but the results in the mirror are inspiring). I’m grateful for a day off and time to go and check the dental clinic at the hospital.
Today I’m grateful for:
To meet the little pregnant cat at the shop next door to Utopia that was sitting quietly on the mat and either contemplating life or watching the traffic. It’s about 60% white but then the rest is a complete jumble of every other cat colour you ever saw. A quarter of her head looks like Tigger and elsewhere are small patches of Kim-ginger. What a family tree this kitty must have and due to soon add further to the sad abundance of cats looking for homes.
The best thing about today was:
Doing very little. The chocolate protein milk I drank was nice and, pulling out some weeds, being about as much exercise as I got today, felt satisfying. Nothing over the top as a stand-out highlight and despite being tired, dizzy and lazy, the day was enjoyable enough.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Last night before going to sleep I told myself that despite having a sore throat and feeling tired I would get up with my alarm and exercise and if I still felt bad I would go back to bed. In the back of my mind I knew that there was little chance of me getting up and doing this and that is indeed what happened. I don’t yet have the thought control to overcome the easy way out though also feel I should respect what my body is telling me. It is tired for a reason and not just laziness. Today I have already decided to go to school tomorrow and that means exercise in the morning. As my mind is already anticipating being at school this is more likely to happen.
Something I learned today?
It is Nong Fah’s birthday today. Happy 14th birthday to a smart kid. I only knew from her Facebook post wishing herself a happy birthday. Kids seem to do that a lot. They maybe don’t set their profile up with a birthday or with the correct date but then when it comes around they want people to know and to soak in some best wishes.
What work do I enjoy doing?
At one point or another, I’ve enjoyed all the different types of work I’ve done. The work isn’t usually an issue, it’s the systems, people and chasing of profit that make it difficult, uninspiring and frustrating.
In some ways, I’m jealous of those who have utilised their creativity to be able to work at things they love and be able to earn enough money (or be satisfied with their struggle) to survive. In other ways, I’ve been happy to keep the money-making separate from the things I love to do.
At this moment in time, there has been some convergence between the two as I’m very satisfied with the work I’m doing (teaching) and getting financially rewarded enough.
Quote: It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. – Henry David Thoreau
I’ve looking at this quote for many days not being sure what to write but Fah’s birthday has provided me with the inspiration. You can see from the picture that she is a pretty girl but she is not a standout amongst the crowds in the school or even in her class. What attracts me to her is her personality, smarts and common sense. It’s not about maturity as such, as she still acts in common with most 13/14-year-olds. To look at her is one thing, what I see is another.
What I see when I look at my wife is our history of 15 years and everything that that means to me. The good times, the tough times, the fun and funny times. Travels, experiences, companionship, love.
When I look at attractive young ladies I’m only looking at a picture, I don’t ‘see’ anything beyond that. When I look at Amy I ‘see’ her completely. On the outside, we are no longer the handsome or beautiful people we met but have travelled together beyond the superficial. Whatever the future holds it won’t be spoiled by anything that could merely be considered a picture.
I took this picture of the birthday girl from one of her online videos. I’ll send it to her again in ten years’ time (if we are still in touch) and we can reminisce about the days we are having now. Students for life.
Why did she think she was unlovable? I know she deserved much better than me It hurt us both at the time But the right thing to do to set her free
Then it was I who became unlovable And I myself chose to believe Eventually, we both came to realise It’s only ourselves we deceive
A true story.
Today I’m feeling:
As predicted I had to get up a couple of times in the night as my guts gurgled and my ass burned and I had to skip my usual alarm not getting up for another two-plus hours at around 9.30 am. The grey outside had maintained the same level of brightness that it still seemed early morning. I skipped a shower and went straight for coffee, still wary that caffeine may soon trigger some kind of explosive action from my rear but so far so good.
When I got home I found that our clock had stopped last night and discovered that I had an extra hour and a half of day left. Bonus!
Today I’m grateful for:
Grabbing some soft serve ice cream at the little stall near the market which happens to be next door to where my student Baipad lives. I looked into the shop, which is a hairdresser and saw what must have been Baipad’s little sister running around. She was totally a mini version of Baipad which is saying something as Baipad is already short. She looked super cute.
Anyway, the ice cream was yummy.
The best thing about today was:
The grey skies never lifted for the whole day and rain is forecast 100% for the next eight days too. So it’s difficult to say what might have been the best thing today beyond such usual things as reading books and reading comics. That’s OK. It wasn’t a bad day by any means.
Oh, I just remembered I spent a couple of hours watching the football this morning too. That was pretty good as we won in a tight game with the Giants. With three games left, there is still a slim chance we can make the finals but it means winning every game and other results going our way.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Weather-inspired lethargy set in early. I just went with it.
Something I learned today?
China’s natural gas and oil reserves are deeper than other countries forcing them to drill the deepest holes ever and pushing their technological advancement at the same time.
What are three small victories I’ve achieved lately?
I’d somehow like to think that I have won over at least three lazy naughty students recently but should probably only count that as one.
I’m struggling to think of things I might consider victories. Life might be a battle but moving forward doesn’t feel like victory it just feels normal. Perhaps as a good life should.
Slow improvements to learning Thai and playing guitar don’t feel like victories because that’s the natural outcome of practice.
Victory also feels like it implies that there is a loser too.
Are there three losses that I’ve accepted recently? I don’t think so.
Rista took this picture last week because she wanted to see the camera quality on my new phone. This is her and Namkhing, who everyone seems to love. Her English is very poor but she will happily try when I push her which is a positive as far as I’m concerned. Perhaps this is part of her personality which others find attractive. Posting this picture as, unsurprisingly, I didn’t take any today. With the forecast, I’m wondering when I might take more again.
A feisty fighter frustrating friends Not caring, not coping, on the go A teenage tearaway telling tales Pushing against the urge to grow
Parental problems, proving pain Mistakes one day surely repeated Hardened heads hiding hopes A life from which has been cheated
As water wearies, wild and winding The ground becomes less stable Forming floods for fallow fields Leaving nothing to eat at the table
Inspired by a conversation with a student whose name translates as Water 16th May 2024 – Submitted to Word of the Day Challenge
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and tired again. I feel good when I’m pushed and have to do things but when I get free time I start to feel tired.
Today I’m grateful for:
Arriving at school and then finding out there is an art event and students don’t want to study but also not bothered about the event too! I just gave them a little work and then talked with small groups of students about their futures.
The best thing about today was:
As mentioned above, talking with some of the kids today was interesting.
Mangkron said he wants to be a farmer as that is what his family is involved in. I was a little surprised as most kids talk about being doctors, gamers or idols.
I was happily surprised about Baipad who has a clear idea of what she would like to do and also has a backup plan. Her and Apple were also able to understand and consider options that might not exactly match their wishes but are in the same direction.
Ozone shocked me when she started talking about software programming and also design work of some sort. Underneath her quiet exterior, she has things happening it seems.
A number of kids simply answered ‘Well, my parents want me to do this’ to which I had to remind them that I asked them what they wanted to do. And my purpose was to get them thinking about this, which many are already and whilst comforting them that they still have lots of time to decide that if they can’t figure out something to do by themselves then surely someone else will do it for them.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
With only really another full week left of classes, the kids have already switched off. I do want them to come to my class though, even though we may do just a little work. I’d like to get them to do more talking as above. Perhaps they will open up a bit more now they are more relaxed.
Either way, I’m not going to stress too much about their behaviour from now.
Something I learned today?
I’ve been powering through the Kishore Mahbubani videos on US-China relations and liking his even-handed approach to the situation. The videos were made in 2020 when Biden became US president and there was some hope of a less hostile relationship. I’ll find some other videos of his which are more up-to-date after I finish this series. Any kind of possible military encounter between the two countries is going to be a disaster.
What is one goal I have for the next month and how can I work towards achieving it?
Goals are overrated. Just keep doing and being the best I can be. So my goals as such are just to get the things done that I have to such as taking the cats for their annual checks and vaccines. I’ll try to get a couple more tattoos and spend more time reading and writing as well as planning for next semester’s classes.
I took these pictures because today was an art event at school and these student pictures caught my eye.
The rain makes the dragonflies dance Across the green rice field sea Stalks quivering under droplets weight Bent to the breeze in a quiet tango Four rainbows beam from the mountain Tin rooves announcing progress Animals seek out shelter Yet the bull remains, unamused
Recorded and mixed at the Slaughterhouse January-February 2022 Mastered masterfully by Carl Saff
♥Juju, Steve, Cruel Nature, Lucie, Audrey, Gyeong-ryeong, Fai, George, birdbath, Ingue, Simon, Shaun, Tenzenmen, Seb, Dan, James, Tong-ann, Yuting, EBSN and my Mum
Today I’m feeling: Happy and relaxed. Today I’m grateful for: The coconut shop that makes delicious iced coconut water drinks. They are delicious but disappear too quickly like good things are supposed to. The best thing about today was: As I was walking to the coconut shop a school van pulled up, the door opened and I heard ‘teacher!’ and it was my student Baipad, who I found out lives next door but one to Black Smooth cafe. I think there are a couple of other students in my village but Baipad is the first I’ve actually seen around and all because I decided to walk instead of going by motorbike.
I took this picture because it was only by chance that I saw these strange star-shaped flowers on this cactus. Pretty and pretty interesting.
Too many bananas, papayas and lychees I got passionfruits stacked up to my knees Chillies and pumpkin grown from spat-out seeds On every speck of dirt, even amongst the weeds
Mulberries hang over the neighbour’s fences I pick his mangoes to save on expenses The land of plenty, these abundant times We can’t even eat all the goddamn limes
…our age cries out for the redeemer personality, the one who can emancipate himself from the grip of the collective ‘psychosis’ and save at least his own soul.
Carl Jung, Development of Personality
Today I’m grateful for: Making it through the day without too much stress despite feeling tired and dizzy. The best thing about today was: Was briefly talking and joking with Nong Cake. She is still a smart kid. She was preparing Thai and Japanese flags for Japan day tomorrow and I made a joke that the Thai flag was for Italy and she immediately understood and said that the Japanese flag was for Indonesia.
I took this picture because this is what my students drew on the board before class started. Baipad and Jan claimed responsibility and which was a little surprising though I know Baipad loves drawing. The picture made me laugh and then I teased them that I would show the head teacher and they begged me not to.This is Trevor’s picture but of the same sunset that I was looking at last night. It was mesmerising.
1994ever 