I am so happy and grateful for my psychiatrist who prescribes me my medicine. Can I live without it?
Forgiveness is choosing to not let negative events of the past define how you feel about someone or something in the present.
Mark Manson
To-do list
Finish Chinese drawing.
Eye-gaze practice – so difficult! ½
Stay calm. Talk less. ½
Staple exam papers. ✅
Focus on colours today ½
Stayed calm but talked quite a bit with Said and George.
Occasionally focused on colours and tried to remember about eye gazing. It’s really uncomfortable though!
I stayed calm during a difficult lesson this morning but some of the smarter kids had a great idea to go outside and finish the lesson and it worked out really well.
My other lesson was fine and I spent a couple of hours talking with George. I really look up to his way of thinking and want to push myself to end up like that too. I found myself interrupting him in conversation sometimes though and must try not to do that, and to really listen to what he is saying rather than just waiting to say the thing I want to say.
I felt a bit rejuvenated after that though not having any proper lunch made me tired as I got home. I did, however, feel some relief at it being the end of the working week for me.
Tomorrow I will use the time on the plane to read and meditate.
The cacophony of modern life also stops us from listening. The acoustics in restaurants can make it difficult, if not impossible, for diners to clearly hear one another. Offices with an open design ensure every keyboard click, telephone call and after-lunch belch make for constant racket. Traffic noise on city streets, music playing in shops and the bean grinder at your favourite coffeehouse exceed the volume of normal conversation by as much as 30 decibels, and can even cause hearing loss.
Kate Murphy (New York Times, Talk Less, Listen More)
First, please quiet the noise in my head.
The events of this past week have put me in a spin. Even as the sadness recedes somewhat, images pop up randomly, memories flicker; a pre-tear feeling appears in my chest and throat but is soon countered by my rationality and tucked back away.
While my mind wanders less there is a lack of clarity around my thoughts. A directionless, purposeless meandering. This is a different feeling to the one I was experiencing previously. Where I could sit in my class and concentrate with students running, shouting and screaming. Now it drives me crazy.
All this adds up to limit my engagement, to cloud my listening ability. I can hear but I’m not listening.
Listening is a difficult skill to master. Made even more complicated by the sound-byte outrages of social media culture. I don’t feel that I have ever been able to listen properly. I want to practice the quietening of my own thoughts and be more fully engaged, whether in conversation, in watching videos and movies and to attempt that euphoric emotion when really listening to music.
I keep reminding myself to talk less, to shut up a little. Not to jump into what I want to say, to make my point or to win the argument. Just listen. And think.
Damn, this was hard to write today. It’s probably reflected in the scattered approach and execution. But every day I accept the challenge. Put words down on paper. Get thoughts out. Think, until clarity.
Hello and welcome to inconclusive arguments in today’s conference we have a psychologist, a guru, an athlete, a freak, a scientist, a dictator, an anarchist, a mass murderer, a composer, a human vegetable, and a complete outsider. let’s open the discussion with you, er huh what gives? that look of revelation on the athlete’s face – the complete outsider is the centre of attention – just what is the human vegetable doing to the psychologist, the freak is eating the mass murderer, o my god terrifying vistas of reality and our position therein are being opened up to us all, this is the worst thing that’s happened to mankind and in the studio they’ve opted for a new dark age but your commentator has gone stark staring mad.
New Dark Age by Rudimentary Peni
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have put myself on a better path. It’s a struggle but it will be worth it.
To-do list
Speak less – listen more – do not complain ½
Write a blog post ✅
Check George’s lesson plan again ✅
Do body scan and breathing concentration ½
WOOP ✅
A slightly disrupted day lessons-wise but at least it meant I only really taught one lesson so it was very easy.
I took some time to read before we went out for dinner and then later meeting Bee and George. Had a few drinks together but got the feeling that everyone was a little too tired to really relax and fully enjoy the night. I, myself, really struggled to get some thoughts out on the blog and I was writing about how confusing and unclear my thinking has been since Kimi passed.
I also started reading more about the Stoic contemplation of death which is something more on my mind now.
And now, slightly hungover, it’s a little difficult to find words.
Today I will attempt to remind myself that I may die tonight in an effort to push myself back into the moment.
“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.” —MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 11.18.5b
I’ve never been a manly man. Well, I say that, though I can remember trying to be one from about ages 11-14. Then I started getting bullied a bit at school and realised I wasn’t ever going to be a strong boy physically.
Not me but you get the idea…
I retreated into my mind but taking resentment and bitterness there. I filled myself with seething hatred for everything around me, confusing what I considered personal injustice with larger injustices of the world. Everything was against us. It was us and them, whoever us was and whoever they were.
I dove head first into the moshpits of punk rock. Besides my mother, punk really was a rock for me to hold on to. Sometimes I clung too tight but eventually I found my way.
Justice and fairness are still amongst my top character strengths, thankfully along with curiousity and gratitude – those two came later.
These days I’m trying to calm my mind to bring some inner peace but the tunes of yesterday still rattle around from dawn to dusk. This inner noise is it’s own sort of peace, it’s familiarity calming, the anger gone.
Man is spelt big M.A.N. it’s the letters of the law, Man is spelt big M.A.N. that’s who the law is for.
– Crass
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the supportive teachers around me. They have helped me cover a lesson today and it was easy to stand once I found the right person to talk with.
You can’t learn what you think you already know.
Epictetus (paraphrase)
To-do list
Arrange someone to manage the class I miss. ✅
Make another blog post around an article. ✅
Ride bike to get a haircut.
More Coursera/another DIY article. ½
WDS – follow up on BKK and Yogya shows. ½
I’m starting to feel comfortable and relaxed at school. Able to deal with unexpected conditions, which seem to arise often. I still feel connected with the students but not so intensely involved. I will do what I can for them and try to prepare a good plan for them for learning but I’m going to over-invest my time, even though I do really love to push myself and always think to do the very best I can.
Without the pressure and expectations from the school for continuing with them next semester I am enjoying all the situations, good and bad, and I realise now that this is how I should try to feel all the time at work.
It’s just occurred to me this idea in opposition, of being a very organised person and having to work in a very disorganised environment. Instead of a strict organisation of ideas for lessons, I should have an outline plan and then be ready and organised for disruption. So, a good solid base to work from and then prepared to add on to it. Work smarter.
I talked a little bit with Kevin today and he was surprised at my involvement in music.
I also managed to complete deleting about 90% of my ‘friends’ on Facebook. Most of them are unnecessary for my day-to-day and if either I or they wish to connect again for any reason we are still able to but I’d like to think of myself using Facebook as opposed to Facebook using me. Communicating in short sound bytes is not effective and nuanced, becomes frustrating and just making me anxious about useless things.
I want to concentrate more on writing on my blog – that gives me a deeper satisfaction. It’s not particularly important if anyone sees it or not – I just want to go through the process, forge a habit, think better and ultimately feel better.
I really want to learn to meditate in an effort to calm my mind. My mind is no longer busy with negative thoughts but quite often with useless thoughts. I just want to calm those down if I can.
I also want to learn to practice the things I have been reading about and put them into action. This is far more difficult than expected and I’m hoping that just by continually being exposed to them that it will rub off on my day-to-day actions.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to manage myself and my time and be adaptable to sudden changes. Today I got given an extra class which could have been annoying but it was perfect as it is for a class I will miss on Friday so having to do the class now means those kids won’t be behind.
From commonplace book
Without knowledge of what I am and why I am here, it is impossible to live.
Levin, Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, pg 908
To-do list
Think, then speak.✅
Do something nice for someone.
Start putting together exam questions.
Help Boyan with ideas for English camp. ✅
Practice gratitude about the school. ✅
I caught myself a couple of times and chose to stop talking and let the other person speak. At the meeting yesterday I was pleased that Boyan chose to want me to work with. He’s not an easy person to make an impression on so i felt a little flattered that he felt I was OK enough to work with. He came primed with an idea in the morning and by the end of the day we had it all fleshed out and ready to go.
I spent a good bit of time writing out why I’m grateful for the school. That was tough but I managed to fill a whole (small) page.
Ran out of time for exam questions but have everything else for the semester completed now. I also picked up the grade 6 books and have challenged myself to write a week’s worth of lessons from those (at least). Even if I don’t end up teaching that next semester it is still good to keep planning.
In the morning I got given an extra class which became quite fortunate as it meant I could complete the full week of regular English classes which wouldn’t have happened as planned as I’ll be away on Friday. This potential negative turned out to be very helpful and I handled it well. The students were really happy to see me too which made me feel good.
My general negative thoughts from yesterday have all disappeared today and I have noticed myself being more comfortable around the kids again. In some ways, not being able to hug or touch them has created a little distance which has made me care a little less about them. Maybe by care less, I mean more detached. This is probably a good thing for now.
Today I also wrote a little more to Lachlan and received audio files back from Jochen – it was nice to hear his voice again. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to edit it all yet but I’m looking forward to the challenge.
Just by chance, as I was reading Anna Karenina a perfect passage stuck out to me and became my first entry in my commonplace book (see above).
Tomorrow we have some sort of Buddhist ceremony event and I’m not sure what we are required to do and if it involves doing some sort of ritual thing. I’m undecided about whether to refuse or not. I asked George about this a couple of weeks ago and he said he would just do it – who cares? I read today to copy the actions of people you respect so thinking that that’s what I will do.
I also hope to clear out a bunch of emails that I’ve had sitting around. They are not important but challenges that may take a little time to do – I’ll see if I can print them out and do them that way.
I am so happy and grateful for everything that tests my patience. I have learnt to remain calm through most things and I think I’m getting better at it all the time.
– kind-hearted – caring – talented at drums and music – artistic – generous towards his friends – focused on his favourite hobby – keeps himself hydrated – values justice – charitable
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to the ‘bad’ kids in my classes. The ones who test me, the ones who make it difficult, the ones who push my patience to the limit. They are helping me grow.
To-do list
Compliment people.
Do not complain!
Write week 15 lessons.
Write to Pentti – let’s get that dialogue going again.
Watch the next Thai video – study Thai.
Enjoy dinner with Amy’s family – talk more with Amy’s mum.
Play with the kids at lunchtime – it’s good exercise.
Did it list
Drops/study Thai
Stayed calm but had to leave one class quickly in order to remain calm – they were a real test for me today.
Complimented a couple of students on their work and getting questions right.
Tried not to complain but that is so hard, bring it into mind more often to succeed.
Wrote to Pentti and Lachlan.
Talked briefly with Echo – so good to hear her voice again – she is much more confident in English now.
I am so happy and grateful to Mim, Fong, and Cake. They make me my coffee every day when I’m at school.
5th May 2021 – The coffee shop (Wynn) didn’t even have great coffee. Teachers were not allowed to leave school during work hours but this shop is just the other side of the road outside school. It would take 5 minutes to walk there, buy a coffee and walk back which I would do two or three times a day. At the end of the contract, they cited this as the main reason that I wouldn’t be rehired. Needless to say, they had a high turnover of foreign teachers. There’s a real tug-of-war between Thai administrations and foreign teachers. To me, the Thai request for foreign teachers to assimilate to the Thai way seems to indicate that theirs is the best way, but even I, as a non-professional teacher, could see that it wasn’t the best way, and having come from another country (to use as a comparison) and wanting to do the best job possible for the students – it seems inevitable that not many foreign teachers are happy under this system – unless they just take the easy way out. Why don’t I take the easy way out? It’s just not in me. I take the path of most resistance. It seems like the system of education here is purposely designed to keep people stupid. Achievements from Thai institutions are meaningless overseas because they know the situation here. Anyway, talking to the three girls in the coffee shop – even just inane chatter – became my 5 minutes of daily bliss while working at this particular government school.
To-do list
Study Thai/Drops.
Compliment people.
Prepare for your mad Monday.
Play with the kids at lunchtime.
Did it list
Studied Thai/Drops.
Managed to stay calm all day.
Calmly changed plans after breaking a tooth and having to go to the dentist.
Hugged the kids after punishing them.
After a late night last night and an early start this morning, today has been a bit of a zombie-like feeling. Instead of feeling tired and grumpy though I felt calm and collected. I knew that eventually I would get home and be able to relax and here I am in bed now at 8 pm. I will read a little but sure to fall asleep soon.
Today I found one of the students guiltily copying work of another student. He puts a lot of effort into avoiding working and running around finding someone to copy. That effort could just go into thinking.
When I told the teacher who was teaching them they just shrugged it off as if it didn’t matter and I noticed this made me feel a little miffed and I’m considering why.
I have something against this student due to his laziness and maybe I just wanted him to be punished. On the other hand, maybe the teacher has the right attitude. If the student can only learn to copy then he will discover the appropriate reward in his future.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the things that made me smile this week. Mostly it was the students, sometimes the cats, always Amy and sometimes myself. I smiled because of the simple things in my life that make me happy.
To-do list
Compliment a teacher and the students
Clear more emails and tabs!
Do something nice for someone.
Write to Jochen – same idea as with Aaron.
Study some more Thai.
Can you meditate today?
Did it list
Positive encouragement for students.
Stayed calm – only raised voice to be heard.
10,000 steps without realising.
Under 81kg today.
30 squats and 30 weightless shoulder presses.
Tried to be positive when talking with Boyan.
Took time to play with students.
Wrote to Jochen.
Called and encouraged Ellen.
Tried to call Echo.
Wrote some more relevant thoughts to Lachlan.
Read more online, closed some tabs but opened many more!
Cleared many emails.
Finished watching Happy!
Sorted new music files.
Studied a little Thai.
Today I tried really hard to be mindful of the things that I wanted to do. I wasn’t able to achieve all these things but having them in the front of my mind was a good exercise and something I will continue to practice. I gave quite a few students verbal compliments and confidence boosters and it was nice to get some positive feedback from them too. I might have to consider streamlining some email lists I’m on as I’m starting to get a little overwhelmed with so many things that I would like to explore.
It was a shock to me, so wound up and heart rate spiralling. I could feel myself losing control, unable to think clearly and put the words together succinctly.
Mostly, I am very calm and chilled. Most people’s drama and excitements don’t affect me much – they often seem so petty and inconsequential. I am not a fan of conflict – I just can’t deal with it calmly. I recall a particular instance of being accused of always running away when I get into an argument with my then partner. Damn right I did, she was way smarter than me and could still put together a coherent thought whilst screaming her disapproval at me. I had to run away and calm down before putting out an olive branch of regret. Sometimes too early, and I had to run away again.
But, sometimes, in a couple of my work roles, I have felt the need to stand up and say my piece and call out the stupidity I see around me. And so it was yesterday.
The circumstances are not particularly relevant because, of course, now, I can also see how petty and inconsequential they are. What stood out to me in the post-conflict situation was how I felt and I struggled to deal with it. I took a walk and called Amy, though I didn’t discuss what happened with her, just needed some soothing re-assurance of normality. I checked my heart rate and that was still high, even about an hour later. I wasn’t re-living the event and going over it so much, cos I was right, goddammit! I think perhaps I was concerned about the possible escalation and continuation of the conflict for the rest of the day but that never eventuated.
Of course, as I slept that night and occasionally woke, that is when I started replaying the events in my mind. And the titular lyric came into my head. Now, if I could just put it into practice!
I used to think that justice had to rule for happy lives, but now I’m not so Sure at all
…you’re either wrong or right and life will go on either way, whatever You chose….
I feel calm. I have a sense of loneliness with anticipation. Anything could happen. I’m calm but I want it to happen now. Right now. If I have to make it happen then I will. I know I can do anything – it just seems strange to have no one to share it with.
26th Dec 2021 – As we look back it’s strange to imagine that these words are from 20 years ago. The emotional intensity is still immediate, yet I’m now somehow detached.
At a low point, despite feeling calm, I was still agitated and anxious about the future. I had been through a handful of years at an extreme high, now was the time to deal with the hangover.
TLJ had often mentioned to me that I always seemed to feel that I needed a girlfriend or a partner and, despite my denials, it was true. I needed that female figure, that mother replacement, in my life and it felt like a constant search.
It wouldn’t be for another few years before that feeling would change and, at the same time, finding the long term partner that I had been seeking.
1994ever 