Luring me with all the people I love above all else – 3rd September 2020

Now is the time of change. After a long sticky summer and apparent death to all plant life suddenly the rains come. Despite the cooler temperature the humidity rockets making one wish for the drier heat of summer. After a week or so of the rains, those apparently dead plants now threaten to destroy everything built by humans, house swallowed up by jungle. Thankfully, the snakes go and hide from the rain; somewhere…they are always hiding. We call the gardeners, they do their work but it looks like they need to come back again the following week, the week after and so it goes.

And soon the rain deluges. Not much thought seems to be given to drainage. Perhaps it’s just an inconvenience for a month or two and not worth the investment but a lot of shoes get wet or you may choose to stay at school until the water has eventually seeped away.

Some creatures have little care for the foibles of the weather. They always find the right spot.

At the tail end of the season we head to a hot spring where we can soak our legs for free at varying degrees of insane heat. Kids play and splash in the 30 degree water while we suffer in the 45. No one is even close to the 85 degree water – who would be!? Predictably, whilst we are there, it starts raining. Later, at a restaurant, I can’t feel my legs. They are either relaxed or in shock. Either way, the no-feeling is good.

As if to signal the end of the rainy season (after a brief 6 to 8 weeks, though thankfully much more rain than last year) critters emerge.

Weird hairy caterpillars bumble about and the snakes make a reappearance. One morning as I’m leaving for work I’m surprised to find a couple of small crabs standing guard in the driveway. Amy says they usually live in the rice fields but to me it seems so weird to see crabs about 500kms away from any coast.

And so it seems the rain has ended until next July. We get out and pay a visit to the border market town of Mae Sai and shop for more socks and underwear and visit our favourite cafe/bar/restaurant.

This parrot announces our arrival like a door chime fog horn and I jump out of my skin. Other birds step out but thankfully don’t squawk.

The cafe is hidden away in a market, down a hallway that then opens out into this fantastic courtyard of artwork and decorations. All sorts of obscura adorn every space. In a shed area the owner keeps his batches of homemade hootch though he tells us that he was recently fined one hundred thousand baht and forced to pour it all away.

However, he disappears off somewhere for a few minutes and re-appears with a couple of bottles of plum shoju which are duly purchased. He remembers us from our last visit back in October and doesn’t seem to phased about his fine and lose of illegal merchandise. In fact the cafe is only open for 4 hours a day and I’m not sure anyone goes there to eat.

He potters around rearranging things, happy to chat about life but also happy to be alone by himself. He owns the whole market area and can easily survive of the income from rent. Nice life.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the toilet paper at DeLanna. Sometimes I forget to take paper to the bathroom at school and have to sit and wait for my bum to dry. Luckily, today the timing was right and I could use the facilities at DeLanna.

To-do list

  • Compliment someone ✅
  • 7-minute workout again ✅
  • Write a blog post during the day ✅

It’s now the 21st! I have gotten busy with my normal routine things but also added some yoga practice to my day. As well as home workouts, meditations and Thai practice getting a bit longer as I get better at them.

I’ve made myself busy again but I am also mostly happy these days. Writing here has gone by the way for now. I’ve even committed to some Thai lessons on Tuesday afternoons.

There are still some feelings and emotions that I would like to explore further but I’ll not push myself with them much at the moment. I will try to write here more often – maybe focus on particular things.

Adventures will await you – 31st August 2020

Nice dreams but don’t recall. Sleepy – wake up. Tired, learning time just now. Slow reactions.

Already thinking about class. It’s fine, I’m enjoying it. I’m enjoying everything. Keep going.

Get fit – don’t push it. Healthy body, healthy mind. Enjoy everything – there’s no time – there is lots of time. Full days, things get done. Balance. Washing and reading. Cleaning and music.

You did good. You do good. Chase away the snakes!

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to grab coffee at school, even though it is not tasty it does the job and gets me going.

To-do list

  • Compliments and awards ½
  • Savouring
  • Random act of kindness ✅
  • Thank you mantra ½

A good couple of days. I notice that I have been talking a lot – a little bit like I’m on a high and just want to talk about stuff and I’m hoping it’s not a bipolar type high that is followed by a low.

I woke up at around 5 am this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep because I was thinking about classes and students. I really don’t want to get so involved with them that it keeps me awake. I remember what it was like before when I was working in Primary. I’m really happy with all the positive interactions I have with the students – they make me laugh a lot.

We have Monday and Friday off, so another nice long weekend. Tomorrow I really want to take some time to savour something.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Memorial for Tim Smith – 25th July 2020

Crave fun, brave sun, he keeps the world as his disguise
Slave hung, brave sun, the leader of the starry skies
From the tops of the trees
To the bowels of the Earth
Swings from pillar to post
‘Cos he’s here
And now
And now
He’s here

24 Cardiacs tracks randomly selected by iTunes, in memory of the genius of Dr Tim Smith, The Leader of the Starry Skies.

….never mind the war, take me home again
For the last time

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have some energy this morning to ride my bike to get coffee. Great little exercise for me.

Defenders of the world we make believe in – 5th February 2020

This morning’s breakfast was interrupted by a special cat delivery of a small baby bird. Once extracted from her mouth the bird attempted to fly away but couldn’t get too far. Some missing feathers, some blood and maybe a broken wing. Better the delivery was already dead. Now we will guiltily try to nurse this baby back to health or comfort it to its demise.

When bleeding lizards and frogs are delivered we simply throw them back in the long grass. What makes us more sympathetic towards some animals over others? In the same way, meat eaters think it’s disgusting to eat cats and dogs. Why I can justify eating fish to myself?

On returning home in the afternoon, the baby bird had indeed demised. The killer (pictured above in gentler days) strutted around oblivious to Amy’s admonishments and sadness. It was dinner time. “Feed me!”

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to see the sunrise over the hills. This morning I videoed it for a couple of minutes. It was beautiful.

To-do list

  • Always keep a look out for photo opportunities ½
  • Finish week 5 Coursera ½
  • Write new blog post ✅
  • Buy a small cutting knife somewhere
  • 3 acts of kindness ½

After waking up feeling reasonably well, doing some squats and meditation, I enjoyed my breakfast and videoed the sunrise.

I felt a little dizzy but nothing too bad. I sat down at my desk at school and without even realising, sat reading, coughing and sneezing all the while. Kru Noon gave me some ginger and lemongrass tea and honey and lemon water for which I was grateful. However, my symptoms just got worse along with an annoying headache.

As I was at school already I decided to do my lessons and go to the doctor and get checked up at 2.30 pm. My first lesson deteriorated and I totally lost my temper with the class. It had the desired effect of shutting them up for a bit but I don’t think it served any of us very well.

I calmed down for the next two classes but couldn’t wait to leave. The doctor said it’s just a common cold and gave me some medicine but I decided not to go to school tomorrow as I have to be well to drive to Chiang Mai on Friday. So, all alarms off and time for a good sleep, hopefully.

I got some bits and pieces done today but just ended up watching a movie when I got home. It was Burden of Dreams. The story of the making of Fitzcarraldo. Both films are great and it’s amazing how the story of the movie is replicated in real life.

Tomorrow I won’t push myself too much.

From the ground and in the air, it’s a fabulous spectacle – 2nd February 2020

Oh! I went riding around in the hills and valleys again today and I savoured every minute of it. The cool morning air countered the sun and heat, the sky white with mist and smoke, though thankfully not the thick cancerous smoke that will soon be with us every day until rainy season. Every paradise humans have found required a garbage dump.

I’m surprised I’m energised this morning after a 7 hour drunken sleep, woken somewhere in that time by Indian indigestion. I guess the two coffees kick-started me well enough so as soon as I got back from the cafe I hopped on the bike, no destination in mind.

The locals stare curiously at this white-haired monster screaming through their quiet village daily life but return the big smiles I beam at them. Spread the love. I get stuck behind what may have at one time been a truck but has been mangled into a new form so as to navigate its territory. On the back, two old uncles cling on to the stack of metal merchandise, though one is drunkenly singing and dancing to the traditional Thai folk music blasting from the rigged up PA system. The audio system far more important than the vehicle, which drops bolts and parts to the ground as it bounces around. It’s just turned 10 am.

Finally, I turn off and deeper into the hills through dirt tracks, some familiar, others new to me. Besides the divots and bumps, sleeping dogs must be navigated, their nerve holding much longer than mine.

Eventually, time to turn back, sore butt yet soaring thoughts. For brief moments in time it is wonderful to be alive. Let’s seek them out.

Suitably invigorated I set about the task of finally moving the stack of bricks that has been sitting in the middle of the garden for the past two years. They had become so familiar that they were practically invisible now. Every now and then I would be reminded by the cats sitting atop the stack, surveying the garden, waiting for birds to fly into their mouths.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the garden and half the clothing I used to wear has decomposed, my sweat probably had eaten through the fabric. Stacking 12 blocks at a time into the wheelbarrow I soon regretted not having gloves but whatever, time to toughen up these dishwashing hands again.

Nearer the bottom of the stack, I started to notice discarded snakeskins so thought to be a little bit more cautious, particularly as the blocks have 3 deep pockets through them. And finally, in the bottom of the pile, a small shy snake tasting the air with its tongue from within one of the pockets.

I carefully removed all the other blocks, keeping a good eye on the snake in its home. At one point it decided to make a break which gave me chance to capture a photo which I could get an ID for the snake later on Facebook. The snake exchanged one pocket for another as there was nowhere else safe to go, just open spaces around.

I figured I’d give it some time to chuff off on it’s own accord but then realised the nearest place of solitude was in our room where Amy teaches. Not the best option. So it was, pockets facing away I carefully picked up the whole block and chucked it over the fence into the deep scrub and long grass outside. Situation dealt with.

Godspeed….

Through the Facebook group, I discovered the snake was a highly venomous Thai spitting cobra. In our ignorance of its existence until this day our cats and I had been lucky and likewise, today this shy, delicate yet deathly dangerous beast let our relationship end without grief. I just hope our relationship has ended permanently.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful at my ability to bounce back and be positive again. I remember a time a minor thing would play on my mood for many days.

The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times. The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.

Mihaly Csikszentmihali

To-do list

  • Hang washing ½
  • Cut grass at front ✅
  • Record new TCRAH ✅
  • Write blog entry as if abducted ½
  • Finalise more details for WDS

A quieter and much more enjoyable day today. Time goes too quickly though. I wrote a different blog entry today but want to explore that idea about feelings of loss of freedom.

Tonight I will savour more about my trip to Japan.

Tomorrow’s lessons are all planned out though I need to be prepared for the unexpected as always. Our daily schedule will be a little different in that we have to take the car for service and Amy can’t drive. We’ve planned ahead though so it should all work out. If anything does go awry then remain calm.

Things I could have done better today was maybe not going for coffee in the morning. I had told Amy I would hang the washing when I came back but she had already done it despite her busted arm. She wasn’t upset at doing it but I missed an opportunity to be helpful. Tomorrow I will try to consider more opportunities for acts of kindness.

I wish there was no stopping me now – 23rd January 2020

Stuff that really makes us happy
– wanting the right parts of what we already want, activating your signature strengths

Character strengths are ubiquitous, fulfilling morally valued, not able to diminish others, opposite of a negative trait, trait-like, measurable, distinctive, paragon, prodigies, select absence, institutionalised.

Signature strengths = most essential to who you are, where you flourish most. So, seek out a career with your signature strengths.
Practice = use of your top strengths in a new and different way every day
Using top 4 strengths are best

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the kids who greet me with happy smiles in the morning. I can appreciate the connection I have with them.

The only thing that can ever truly destroy a dream is to have it come true.

Mark Manson

To-do list

  • More exam preparation.
  • Be curious about someone today. ½
  • Run after work.
  • Start booking flights.
  • Think, shut up, speak if it adds. ½

Didn’t achieve so much this day and I put that down to alcohol consumption and lack of sleep. I actually felt OK in the morning but ran out of energy around 3pm. The day was quite enjoyable – I really do enjoy the connection I have with the kids.

Ellen called in the evening. She was upset at Rob (her on/off boyfriend) again and I tried to soothe her and calm her down telling her much of what I’ve been learning myself. We are all at different stages of our journeys.

Tomorrow is the last day of camp – it’s been fun though useless for the students. I’m fine with the break.

Tomorrow I need to pull things into some focus and maybe just concentrate on a couple of things and drop the others. I love to learn but maybe just taking in too much from too many places at the moment. I really have to book these flights tomorrow too! And follow up with venues!

To say the first things on my mind – 5th January 2020

Philosophical Meditation

What am I currently upset about?
What am I currently anxious about?
What am I currently curious or excited about?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch the daybreak as I drive over the mountains to Chiang Mai. It was very beautiful.

From commonplace book

How many things that seemed at the time beautiful and inaccessible to me have since become insignificant, and the things I had then are forever unattainable now.

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy pg 870

To-do list

  • Wake up at 5 am with a big smile ½
  • Help Dad with driving to and from Chiang Mai ✅
  • Talk with Ting about her life in the UK ½
  • Think about more things you like about Hayden and if there’s time, write them into the questions journal
  • It’s a long and wearisome day for everyone – be conscious not to complain. ✅

I didn’t wake up with a smile but I put one on my face when I read my list in the morning.

So, I ended up driving both to and from Chiang Mai. I was in a bit of a daze but I did manage to ask Ting a little bit about her life back in the U.K.

I didn’t complain today, that I remember, but I think it’s easier to recognise when you are not complaining than when you are.

Despite having six hours of driving and thinking time I didn’t think about Hayden but when I got home I saw that he is doing some fundraising for RFS in Australia. I know he has a good and kind heart. I must call him soon. I’ll put it on my list for tomorrow.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #14 – 30th November 2019

Music from Effigies, Cardiacs, mr sterile Assembly, Charlottefield, Goblin, Charming Hostess, Palberta, Lungfish, Yugen, Subway Sect, Helta Skelta, Hatfield and the North, Churn Milk Joan, Radio Delhi, Midori, Positively 13 O’Clock, Boy Wonder, Blood Brothers and Human Expression.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to the staff at the hospital this morning who took care of Amy after she fell over and hit her head. Nothing serious thankfully.

Undreaded courage all the time – 11th October 2019

Two minds. Thinking mind and observing mind. Separate them, recognise negative emotions, own them and let them go!

My situation: about to start a new job which may have some of the problems of the previous ones. What advice would you give to someone in this situation?

Even as I write this I can see that my worry is about something that hasn’t happened. I don’t need to think about things in this way. I think I understand how I could have coped better in my previous situation so I should be able to deal with them in the event that they do happen again. Prepare and plan carefully to do the job as best you can but do not invest so much time and effort that it completely overrides everything else.

Balance!

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful this morning for having this space to sit in, the coffee I am drinking and the sun and rain for making our trees grow. I will grow with them.

Mr. Right says ‘what is a sin in difficult times?’ – 8th June 2019

Last entry in this journal was 11th August 2003.

Things change a lot in 16 years. One thing that doesn’t though, is a parent’s concern for their child. Sometimes I wonder how I can be so much more for other children than I can for Hayden. I guess I just wasn’t there enough.

I won’t beat myself up over this though. Not like I might have done in the past. I can’t change the past. I offer myself to Hayden but I think sometimes he’s afraid to ask, doesn’t want to bother me. Same with his mum. We’re both busy for sure but I don’t think there can be a time when I would refuse to help.

His mum and I have different ways to deal with these things. We try the best with what we have. I do wish I could’ve been more involved in raising Hayden, not particularly in formal education but in life education. I think I set him a good example in many aspects and while I worry about where his motivations are coming from, I consider how useless I was at his age and how things have come right for me since then. I needed certain people to push or pull me in the right directions.

We thought we had no future get here we are. I do wonder the future for the next generations though. With the whole world at our fingertips, it feels like the starry-eyed wonderment has dissipated. It’s no surprise the attitude of each generation might feel this way.

It’s not my fault but I try to offer hope and a positive outlook as much as I can.